Hey!! Put that down!!! That's the salad fork punk!!

When the British left East Africa in 1962 after walk-to-work protests by Obote (Akena’s dad) and Kenyatta (Uhuru’s dad) turned violent, they promised they would be back, and they are, but they are disguised as a Ugandan company.

Etiquette Consultants is a fully fledged Ugandan company that was set up after it was noticed that many Ugandans were embarrassing their nation whenever they travelled overseas, or whenever they became rich and had no clue how to act rich, most especially ambassadors and as of recent Mayor Ssebagala.

Complete with a Business & Social etiquette coach, their first assignment last Friday was to send out invites to chaps to come and learn how to wine and dine like a real rich person of importance, never mind all this inflation that’s keeping us from buying dessert forks, this is how we actually behave in supermarkets.

“yo, supermarket attendant, how much is a fork?”

“Sir, we sell the whole pack, it has the salad fork, then the dinner fork, then the dessert fork”

“Bitch, I just want to eat my beans, just get me the middle one and let’s get this over with”

The etiquette theme was arranged under the moniker, “Miss Manners Uganda”, who cordially invited many company representatives, especially the un-civilized ones, seeing as mine was invited, to a “3 course dining etiquette experience” at Reedfield restaurant, yes, it exists.

Reedfield restaurant, like the name suggests, is not the kind of place you want to go to if your 3 course dinner consists of a rolex, then splash mango, then a tot of Bond 7. Nope, it’s the kind of place that makes you feel broke and lost. Located in Nakasero, it has the hallmarks of a British upper class household, well organized tables with a thousand napkins for every occasion;

“Sir, u seem sweaty, here’s the sweat napkin….no no no, not that one, that’s for placing on the laps during dinner, and please don’t do that, it should be folded in half after opening then gently placed on the lap, is there any other question I should answer before you mess up the place???”

The event was interactive, with the etiquette coach taking us villagers through lessons on manners, so one wonders what exactly the parents used to talk about when they said they taught us table manners. The most they did was say “don’t eat while standing, the food will go to your legs”, so what about the dessert fork mom??!! Why didn’t you tell us that stuffs??

Meanwhile, if you don’t have that 50 thousand to learn table manners, no worries, al teach ya the most important rules, so when u get rich, u can thank me with a BMW X5 or something for saving you embarrassment, now peep this;

If you are a chick and are into all that make up bollockery, do not attempt lip sticking yourself while at the table, I don’t know why, but bitch, just don’t play that! Go to the kitchen or something

If you are the host of this bash, yo ass shall be the last to serve, you greedy punk you! Wait for the guests goddamit!

When you are being served, receive the dishes from the left side, and calmly serve yourself and pass to the right side, even if it’s your mother-in-law on your right side, just do it.

Now don’t play wise ass when u are trying to eat your salads, there’s some physics to it. If the salad is served as the main entrée, use the dinner fork or the entrée fork, and please don’t ask what entrée means. Otherwise, use the salad fork, and please try and smile, this is serious bidnes!

When using a finger bowl to clean yo manicured paws, place the finger bowl and the doily on the upper left side of the place setting after swimming the fingers through the bowl, this clears space for the dessert plate.

And by the way, in case u bring those little nut case kids mbu they are on holiday, they should stand behind their chairs until all adults including Moses Goloola are seated, and please set the dinner napkin to the left side of the setting after yo plates have been cleared from the table after eating.

With all this stuff, I decided to stick to the rolex. The rules are simple, and few, just 3;

1 – Get rolex from Sula, and u can keep standing the whole time.

2 – Unwrap while eating and hailing that boda chap to take you home.

3 – Throw used kaveera by the roadside, it may be yo left side, or right side, upper left side, or right in the road, we are poor and don’t give a rats ass.

Anyone still up for getting rich?

Living through Load Shedding a.k.a The Dark Ages

With the constant load shedding, it’s extremely hard to stay at home (and study the science of “how candles really work”) and also become the first human to calculate “the speed of dark” while at it, which shall soon be discovered in Uganda at this rate.

Going to the bars is no longer cool. Bar owners are sick of Pastors being the only business people driving around in brand new cars, so instead of feeling pity on us “patrons” (who the fuck calls someone a patron, what are we, old chaps?) they are also increasing prices like crazy. Recently UBL and Nile breweries increased their beer prices by 202/= (wonder how they came up with the 2/=) but bar owners shot up by 500/= (while “up market” posers increased by 1,000/=).

They claim it’s because of DSTV and Generator fuel price hikes….i kinda believe them.

So if we are going to spend money because there is no power, what better way to really spend it than go to the movies!

Because it’s an experiment, I had to go alone. You don’t want to go with someone to Cineplex on an experiment (of the VIP seats: for if you eat a frog, eat a bloody LARGE one damn it) and get embarrassed when u start unleashing 5 thou notes hoping they count to 60 g’s! Meanwhile, the ka ballistic brown brown is checking her bu nails waiting for the ticket, never to offer to “help”, so much for women emancipation!

Anywho, over to the counter to yell at the chick inside:

“VIP seat bicth!! How much shall my wallet part with??”

“It’s 30 thousand Sir”

“Whoa…..does that come with fries??”

“No, but it comes with a free drink…oh, and a snack of your choice”

“You mean like a pizza?”

“No, erm, we have pop corn, crisps and some other snacks”

“Now that’s something…..could you hold on a second while I call my date, I think al take the ordinary seats….2 please”

So much trouble just to watch “Bridesmaids”, al experiment with the VIP when “Austin Powers: The Prequel” is ever made.

Now it’s late to wait for someone for the movie, but the large frog still has to be eaten. Off to Dolphin Suites for an elegant drink with Mike Mukula. He usually uses the gym there (even though he has his own) and I sit at the bar, so technically, we drink together…erm, at the same place.

The menu looks reasonable, 16 thou for food and 5 thou for a pint. Well, this is some VIP shit, the mind thinks. After 3 pints and food, the waiter brings a bill of 36,600/=. Simple mathematics had told me 3 pints is 15 g’s and food 16g’s, so that’s a cool 31 g’s. So waiter, what’s the BIG idea with yo bill, punk!!????

The waiter then returns the menu, and directs me to the bottom of the page where the little words say “Prices Exclusive of VAT”. Fuckers!!!

Luckily, Warid to Warid was still 5 shillings per second, help was on the way.

Next time, al just eat a bloody small frog!!

UK: Hunter Hunted!!

The world has just become too funny!

Libya’s government, led by Muamar Ghadaffi, has just asked UK Premier David Cameron and his entire government to step down because they had “lost all legitimacy”.

Libya said, "Cameron and his government must leave after the popular uprising against them and the violent repression of peaceful demonstrators by police. Cameron and his government have lost all legitimacy. These riots show that the British people reject this government which is trying to impose itself through force. We call on the UN Security Council and the international community not to stay with it's arms crossed in the face of the flagrant violation of the rights of the British people."

In the meantime, Iran has urged Britain to show "restraint" in dealing with rioters. Foreign Ministry spokesman asked "the British government to prevent the use of violence by the police, and to engage in dialogue with the protestors and examine their demands in order to restore calm".

Zimbabwe President Mugabe urged Britain to first put out the fires in it's own house before trying to start fires in other people's houses. "Britain, I understand is on fire, especially London and we hope they can extinguish their fire, pay attention to their internal problems and to that fire which is now blazing all over, and leave us alone", Mugabe said.

In the meantime, 3^rd world dictator governments the world over have issued fresh travel advisories to their citizens intending to visit the UK. They have asked all their citizens to evacuate the country, which has been plunged in total chaos for the past 5 days, “only essential personnel in embassies may remain”, the advisory added, stopping short of saying, “that’s if we still have relations with UK and still have an embassy”.

The International Olympic Committee is also being asked, by these same chaps, to see if the 2012 Olympics may be moved to a country with no chaos, like Chad! Nations are advising their sportsmen not to go for the Olympics if they are to be held in chaotic London.

Foreign sportsmen, especially those in the premier league, are advised to evacuate their families and leave only essential staff like translators as they wait for the kick off. They are however advised to keep in touch with their embassies in case they too need immediate evacuation.

Now this is the New World Order.....coming on the heels of China telling the US to sort it's financial mess....or else!!

Sometimes it feels nice to be in the 3^rd world, we welcome the UK to our lifestyle, as we wait for walk to work nonsense, and show them how rioters are handled!

Get rich or try dying....

The rate at which we want to get rich…real quick, is quite alarming. Kla has been attacked by a socially contagious disease known as network marketing, and the ring leader of this financial circus is a company named Quest Net, who come hot on the heels of Tianshe and GNLD, which sounds like a rapper’s name. These chaps can make you resign your job for this shit.

The first thing they shall be quick to tell you is that “this is not a scam”, and they shall send you to websites with “investors” penning glorious reviews about how their lives changed the day they were introduced to this “investment of a lifetime”.

The characters peddling these financial falsehoods have been trained….really well, to ensure they get dimes from you, and your friends, so if any chap calls and tells you the following, be wary;

“Hey buddy, are you sitting down? I hope you are, coz this will KNOCK YOU OUT! Are you tired of working for a boss? Do you hate it when you have to wait for a salary? Do you want to go for holiday ANYTIME and ANY PLACE you want? Are you tired of me asking all these obvious questions? If your answers are yes, Congratulations, you are a winner and I am here to help you!

What am going to tell you has been kept a big secret by the richest men on the planet. Do you know how Donald Trump makes billions? 2 words….network marketing!

All you need to do is bring in all your friends into our company, and the money we use for advertising shall be given to you. You’ll be a millionaire in 1 year tops. How long would it take you in your current job to be a millionaire?”

Most members of this scheme are corporate employees who are actually sick of their bosses and will hold on to anything to realize their dreams. One member who has been in this scheme and has been employed by a top corporate company was seen driving around in his new ML Mercedes….he claimed “it had nothing to do with his job as a procurement manager, and that the stationary actually got lost in transit, the benz was from selling bio discs”, and he has refused to resign his job for this new lucrative venture…..we don’t know why.

Another government official who joined this scam…..erm sori, scheme, was plotting to use these proceeds from this new found venture to build an arcade and name it “Mama Nantume Plaza”. He claims he will fully finance this plaza from proceeds from “network marketing”, and swears on his kid’s graves that he did not use the money signed for Aggreko that went missing! He has also refused to resign from that low paying job at the ministry, deciding to give less concentration on that money minting Tianshe herb!

If you really want to make quick dimes however, forget this network nonsense, the only rich guys in it are the actors in their promotional videos, you could however get rich real quick by either selling cocaine, playing lotto games, betting on Uganda Cranes, becoming a politician in KCC, turning into a Ho-fessional at Speke road or simply join NSSF as the MD. These will however get you killed real quick either in prison or by suicide……but at least you tried!