When the British left East Africa in 1962 after walk-to-work protests by Obote (Akena’s dad) and Kenyatta (Uhuru’s dad) turned violent, they promised they would be back, and they are, but they are disguised as a Ugandan company.
Etiquette Consultants is a fully fledged Ugandan company that was set up after it was noticed that many Ugandans were embarrassing their nation whenever they travelled overseas, or whenever they became rich and had no clue how to act rich, most especially ambassadors and as of recent Mayor Ssebagala.
Complete with a Business & Social etiquette coach, their first assignment last Friday was to send out invites to chaps to come and learn how to wine and dine like a real rich person of importance, never mind all this inflation that’s keeping us from buying dessert forks, this is how we actually behave in supermarkets.
“yo, supermarket attendant, how much is a fork?”
“Sir, we sell the whole pack, it has the salad fork, then the dinner fork, then the dessert fork”
“Bitch, I just want to eat my beans, just get me the middle one and let’s get this over with”
The etiquette theme was arranged under the moniker, “Miss Manners Uganda”, who cordially invited many company representatives, especially the un-civilized ones, seeing as mine was invited, to a “3 course dining etiquette experience” at Reedfield restaurant, yes, it exists.
Reedfield restaurant, like the name suggests, is not the kind of place you want to go to if your 3 course dinner consists of a rolex, then splash mango, then a tot of Bond 7. Nope, it’s the kind of place that makes you feel broke and lost. Located in Nakasero, it has the hallmarks of a British upper class household, well organized tables with a thousand napkins for every occasion;
“Sir, u seem sweaty, here’s the sweat napkin….no no no, not that one, that’s for placing on the laps during dinner, and please don’t do that, it should be folded in half after opening then gently placed on the lap, is there any other question I should answer before you mess up the place???”
The event was interactive, with the etiquette coach taking us villagers through lessons on manners, so one wonders what exactly the parents used to talk about when they said they taught us table manners. The most they did was say “don’t eat while standing, the food will go to your legs”, so what about the dessert fork mom??!! Why didn’t you tell us that stuffs??
Meanwhile, if you don’t have that 50 thousand to learn table manners, no worries, al teach ya the most important rules, so when u get rich, u can thank me with a BMW X5 or something for saving you embarrassment, now peep this;
If you are a chick and are into all that make up bollockery, do not attempt lip sticking yourself while at the table, I don’t know why, but bitch, just don’t play that! Go to the kitchen or something
If you are the host of this bash, yo ass shall be the last to serve, you greedy punk you! Wait for the guests goddamit!
When you are being served, receive the dishes from the left side, and calmly serve yourself and pass to the right side, even if it’s your mother-in-law on your right side, just do it.
Now don’t play wise ass when u are trying to eat your salads, there’s some physics to it. If the salad is served as the main entrée, use the dinner fork or the entrée fork, and please don’t ask what entrée means. Otherwise, use the salad fork, and please try and smile, this is serious bidnes!
When using a finger bowl to clean yo manicured paws, place the finger bowl and the doily on the upper left side of the place setting after swimming the fingers through the bowl, this clears space for the dessert plate.
And by the way, in case u bring those little nut case kids mbu they are on holiday, they should stand behind their chairs until all adults including Moses Goloola are seated, and please set the dinner napkin to the left side of the setting after yo plates have been cleared from the table after eating.
With all this stuff, I decided to stick to the rolex. The rules are simple, and few, just 3;
1 – Get rolex from Sula, and u can keep standing the whole time.
2 – Unwrap while eating and hailing that boda chap to take you home.
3 – Throw used kaveera by the roadside, it may be yo left side, or right side, upper left side, or right in the road, we are poor and don’t give a rats ass.
Anyone still up for getting rich?
2 comments:
*DEAD!
..Can I pretty please refer Ms.Manners here? Am sure she will die laughing too..
clearly yo version of events is quite entertaining, and she can unleash her English Teacher's eye on you.
No problemo........
Post a Comment