Wednesday, December 30, 2009

2009!..Over and Out!!

It’s only 31st, one day left to end this year, which means you have one more day to commit suicide, or u’ll be seeing the SAME wife next year, except Tiger Woods, and Bebe Fool, if he has another album to launch and needs a silly exuse for a song with lyrics like “♪Shit, she has gone again, mummy of my kids, please come back and cook, the saucepans are dirty as hell, and oh, the bedsheets too…..what?? miss yo love?? never mind, the chick I was sleeping with when you caught me is still giving me lots and lots of that….just come cook for the kids preeeaseee!!!♪”

The year 2009 has been one incredible year, lets just lay back and look at what makes it ballistic;

For starters, it is the ONLY year that is in between 2008 and 2010!

It’s also the ONLY year that is EXACTLY 100 years after 1909! What a marvellous wonder!

It is only in this year that it was announced that the lifetime expectancy of a Ugandan chap has increased to 51, and NSSF announced that the age to get yo dimes, IN FULL, no questions asked, is…well….55!

Oprah winfrey announced she was ending her show….a year from now (2k9), chicks cried more than when MJ died!

Big Brother ended, oh, it had also started in the same year, but the end made us forget it had started….what am I on?

The Uganda Police burnt more weed in 2K9 than ever before, Catholic priests were heard whining about where they would get more herbs to make incense that makes believers get high and throw more dimes in the offertory baskets!

Christ the King introduced baskets with slots for the money, no more picking “change”, and NO COINS, except the 100 bucks that can still fit! (How do I know, I heard some chaps talkon’ bout’ it bitch!!”)

A certain church, of a certain backdoor pastor we know (pun intended) introduced a bankcom ATM machine right at the entrance!! The technology to collect dimes is UP TO DATE, however the Bible they use remains the one for 312BC!

Disclaimer: I only do what I do best, which is why I do very little!

Sshhhh.....Silence! God at work!!

It’s an early Thursday morning, the scene is heaven, the camera zooms in through clouds and smoke (incense and weed, Abraham is smoking his 900 year old self to un heard of heights on a rolled joint) and we zoom in to the big Guy, God, and am not on that bible chap, see that’s a bullshit creation of a bunch of talented authors, but the supreme being, Jah Rastafari, Allah, God, the guy we have no clue about, is the chap am on!

He is seated typing away, programming newly born creatures, and how they shall behave in their lives.

See, thing is, God is an IT technician. When chaps create programs, like blogspot for example, they sit their nerdy be-spectacled asses behind computer screens and feed instructions for what the program should do and look like, u can try this at yo desk;

Open “notepad” on yo pc, really, if u don’t know notepad, drag yo ass back to S2 or something; type Wscript.Echo(space)"Wat it is punks, get off my screen!" then save as “hello.vbs”, then under where it says “save as type”, it’ll be showing *.txt, click that arrow and click on “All types”, then save on yo desktop. Close that, go to the desktop and see the shortcut, then click it to open, u have just programmed something (for the non-nerdy ones out there!)

So what happens is, programmers use some words to direct the computer on what to do, it’s called a “programming language”, so if someone says “Java, Visual basic or C+”, tell him to go fuck himself with his Christmas tree, coz that’s no big deal, and while he’s at it, he can violate the goat he is gong to slaughter for the new year’s! (That’s how pissed I get with these nerdy punks, talking big words and stuff!)

What they do in a nutshell, is type out the words, for example;

If

X is Integer

Y is Object

Then

VAT is X + Y * 18%

Else

VAT is Nil

End If

About a million of these commands are issued to the computer such that if you type in something, then the computer is ordered to do the next step, which is multiply what you typed by 18%, and voila, u have the amount to pay for VAT. But the punk IT chap will feel like Jesus for making yo life easy.

In the same way, God creates chaps by giving them a series of commands, for example, this is how he created the following chaps;

Teddy Seezi Cheeye

If

You See Global Fund Dimes

Then

Steal them

Else

Wait for your trial

End If

Justice Ogoola

If

You receive Global fund dime thieves to prosecute

Then

Read them a poem as a judgement

Else

Write a poetry book about it

End If

KCC Employees

If

You see a pothole

Then

Pour sand in it

Else

Just leave it to grow wider

Bobi Wine

If

You see more than 2 people

Then

Attract their attention, in whatever way u can

Else

Your day will be fucked

End If

So just think about yourself, and know how u were created, coz God has some templates he just throws on anyone, the ability to beat these templates, puts you above the rest, for example;

If

Creation is a woman

Then

Must go to salons every Saturday

Else

Will feel low self esteem

End If

And also.....

If

Creation is a male

Then

If exposed to boobs, blood will flow southwards

Else

He becomes a boy-chasing pastor

End If

So that’s my story of creation!!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The other side of Xmas!

“Christmas celebrations were disrupted at Bibia in Atyak Sub-county after about 50 herds of elephants invaded the area.
Amuru District speaker, Mr Micheal Lakony, said on Sunday that the elephants came from Nimule in South Sudan and destroyed crops in several gardens.
“People did not sleep and Christmas became like a funeral,” he said. He said the attempt to meet the Sudan Consulate in Gulu to find a solution for the animals was futile.” Monitor Online

So the Speaker wanted to meet the Sudan consulate. For what?? Lets just see what would have transpired;

Speaker: Sir Mr consulate I am here to report chitijens of yo country, erm, 50 of them to be exact, that have been wrecking mayhem in our countrymen’s gardens..

Sudan chap: What? What rebel group is this? I can swear to you our government is not behind these attacks, we condemn them and vow to do everything in our power to bring these lumpens to book!

Speaker: No sir, this is not a rebel group, but 50 elephants from sudan. We would like to know why your immigration department granted these vicious creatures visas to leave the country, and why they were seen carrying Sudanese passports!!

Sudan chap: I think we can reach a decision here, just expel them and stamp on their passports “ALL COUNTRIES EXCEPT UGANDA”, worked well with South Africa.

Speaker: OK!! But since we killed one of them with chloroform the other day and feasted on it like a wedding at Munyonyo, we’ll just do the same for the rest, hope your country wont mind us eating it’s citizens!

In more weird news;

Christmas spelt doom for a man in Amuru district (why is all this news from the SAME DISTRICT) when a cow he was leading to the slaughter chamber kicked his hand, and the knife he was holding dived straight into his neck, killing him instantly!

We’re still not sure if the cow went ahead to chop him into ribs and other pieces, fix the pieces on skewers and called all other cows for a bar-be-que.

And finally the big one on the big day, Presidential Advisor on Security matters in Buganda (never knew they had one, oba for what? Riots?) Brig Kasirye Gwanga, opened fire on followers of God’s son Hezu (Jesus in Mexican) coz they were yelling for the neighbourhood, moreover just yelling bullshit! (He just shot in the air, three times, and the believers scampered like roaches when the light is turned on! They had in essence denied Jesus, Like Peter after the cock’s three crows)

A few of them, who looked pissed, gave the Monitor a few thoughts, “he may be a soldier but before God, we are ALL equal”. But since they were murmuring, to the extent that the reporter had to keep bending his ear to their mouths to get the words they were saying properly, looks to me like they are definitely not equal!

The Holidays!!

The holidays, as they call them (well it’s just 1 bloody week, that’s like leave) mean that we get to spend very precious seconds (about a trillion of them) away from those nut-cases, aka bosses!


The last time I was with a member of this species (Bosses), the punk had told me (after requesting to be off till Feb 3rd, it’s the HOLIDAYS goddamit!!) “Younga man, when I was yo age (they always try to be philosophical), I loved my work, which is why I have climbed the ladder to get where I am, there was no time to rest. Bill Gates once said, at a conference in San Fransisco (like it matters where the hell he said whatever the hell he was going to say), a man’s wealth is measured by the time he spends on increasing the value of his resource (Okay first, that was some bullshit, makes no damn sense, and second, Bill Gates only talks about micro-chips and shit!), in other words son, I need you back here on 27th Dec at 8am, not 7.55, not 8.05, but 8. And remember, you are entitled to my opinion!” Punk!

So the precious seconds are spent watching movies and avoiding relatives, what with their same bullshit of;

“Ehhh, hello, long time”

(Yeah, long time indeed, what’s the answer to that greeting)

“Well done”

(What’s the answer to that as well)?

“Merry Christmas and happy new year!”

(Ahhhh whatever!!)

So you avoid those characters coz of the monotony of the same greeting, and settle for the telly where non-stop movies with a Christmas theme are order of the day, like the movie of a chap who “hated Christmas” but by the end of it, he loves it! (yawn yawn)

However there will always be an American movie, where those selfish capitalist war-mongering punks will always try to convince us how “bad” they are. Like that 1997 movie Red Corner by Richard Gere where the chap is a businessman in China, just like these chaps here in Kikuubo that own Supermarkets, then he gets in some shit in China and has police chasing him down the streets after he has disarmed a chap that was trying to kill him in a cab, so he somehow gets his ass on top of a shanky buiding (or is it hut, it’s China in a US movie u know) then he sees an American flag about 7 buildings away (shanty ones at that) and makes a run for it, never mind he still had handcuffs tight on his wrists, and he probably saw a Ugandan flag just next to him but didn’t give a damn about the stupid thing.

Long story short, he jumps over the roofs, and runs all the way to the “mighty empire” embassy and jumps down the road! What? U said what? Broken legs? Oh no, remember the bit of “he’s American?”, okay, so he jumped down, dislocated his shoulder, grabbed it and popped it back then raced to the gate of the embassy where they opened the gates for him. And no, ALL the motorbikes that were chasing him for some reason appeared to be moving soo bloody fast, but they just couldn’t get this handcuffed chap, those silly Chinese, or rather, those super ballistic Americans!

The Unit (a series) didn’t fare any better (in my books, even though they clearly don’t matter), well these guys had their friend kidnapped in Iraq, and like a thousand angry “insurgents” ready with camcorders and blackberrys to film this guy and post the stuff on youtube, asking for a million or so dollars, and for the unconditional pulling out of US troops from Iraq, and oh, a bonus request for Israel to end the Gaza siege the second they view this clip. But since these are just a thousand gun wielding angry Iraqis, the Americans just need to send 5 of their “black hit squad SWAT team”, and to our amazement, they rescue the guy – and kill 999 guys, they just leave one to tell the story to the entire country, and to their kids, grand kids and great grand kids – DON’T MESS WITH AMERICANS, even if its just 1 chap!

Long story shorter, much shorter, I settled for a weird series from India, named “Mumbai calling”, a call center in India serving calls for chaps in the UK. One of the call center agents got a call from “Wembley”, the guy wanted to know the specifics of the latest phone, Indian chap goes; “it’s got 2G, 3G and the Bee gees, plus it has Blue tooth, Red eye and Brown nose” Well, u get the point, yaar! No? (that’s how Indians speak) “It’s very hott outside, no?!”

Sunday, December 27, 2009

How to get an Xmas break of 2 weeks!!

One of the disadvantages of having a laptop with easy access to the net (wireless) is that every time the TV gets annoying (which is like every second an ad shows), we resort to the net for a distraction, and end up posting a thought or two before returning to ads, that’s my excuse, what about all the fellas that can’t keep their paws off facebook??

It’s probably Monday, and you are back in that boring workplace, but it’s cool today, coz the boss is off till 4th Jan, so you had to drag yo ass to work ‘stead o ‘im!! So, I am here today to give you tips on how “you , yes you, can be the boss, and get 2 weeks off next time!”

There is some Ugandan so-called motivational speaker, Muhe…something, annoying bugger that wears lip gloss, has books all over the counter shelves of Aristoc and writes a “motivational” column in the Monitor. To hell with that bugger!! What is he saying that we haven’t heard already, “follow yo dreams??” that is so cliché.

I am therefore organising this “webinar”, which shouldn’t be confused with a certain luganda word. I will be here selling 30 tickets and a certain pastor we all know (names withheld because we all know the name) shall pay for all of them thinking the offer is some other crazy shit, so its “seminar” on the web, pastor!

So, here is what you need to do to give yourself that oomph, that confidence to be a manager;

10 – You like not doing anything, just be at yo desk typing posts on your facebook wall and updating your profile picture, then once in a while check on yo employees.

9 – You don’t think of “plan” as a 4 letter word, it’s a process goddamit!

8 – You have no trouble telling others what to do.

7 – Work fascinates you – you can sit and watch it for hours.

6 – You like “sweating the small stuff”, and giving “attention to detail”

5 – Your favourite line is “what would branson do?”

4 – Your Bible is “Rich Dad’s cash flow quadrant”

3 – Your favourite horror writer is Donald Trump

2 – Your breakfast is an orange and a pineapple slice

1 – And the big one, the job getter – You enjoy having people despise you for just doing yo job!!

Once you have these qualities, you are ready to have a 2 week Christmas break!

*bits copied from some book I was perusing!

Floetry in Pint-ville!!

I walked all the way to a bar

To be fair, it wasn’t that far

My first order was for food

They said it wasn’t that good

Coz all they had in the kitchen

Was nuttin but bones of chicken

I instead settled for a Bell

Though the last time I drank it I fell

And that story I’ll never tell

For it makes me feel like hell

On seconds I may tell is as well

Since its quite a pretty tale

Twas a beautiful Monday morning

All Christians were still in mourning

Their saviour had died that Friday

Resurrected and disappeared that Sunday

This Monday was still an Easter

I walked to the bar and asked the Mister

For a Bell and ice cold Twister

He gave me a crate of Bell to drink

Till my head span and stopped to think

I tried to leave but tripped on the chairs

Fell all the way down the concrete stairs

Drunkards just watched me agape in stares

I thought it should only be fair

If they could also fall and the pain we share

So today am getting another pint

Hoping I won’t fall like the last night!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas Blues!!

Whoever invented the internet, and the laptop with wi-fi connectivity, bless em, and may their birthdays be re-named “the REAL Christmas”, not this other BS! (Funny, the day is so “Holy” cant get my rotten oblongata to type BS in full!)

Anyway, if it weren’t for youtube and time to post a few rumblings up in here, this would have been a day as ordinary as the last 20 christmas days or so we have peacefully enjoyed since the post election violence of the Luwero jungles. It is so cliché, that today’s happenings allover Ug are as predictable as this;

24th Dec – Little boys from the Naguru slums shall be moving up and down carrying branches off Balsam Fir trees, the real name for the christamas trees here, which by the way serve 2 purposes, coz on the 1st of January, residents of Arua light them up and run while dragging them on the roads such that the flying embers create “fireworks”. The Naguru boys sell each “tree” at say 3k bucks. Posers and corporate buggers that have just received Christmas bonuses in the amount of “their monthly gross salary” shall be seen over-filling the Game Stores parking lot to procure an artificial plastic Christmas tree, with decorations to match.

Midnight 24th – Very religious chaps shall be seen trekking to Christ the King church where they shall be lining up to kiss the feet of that Jesus statue that imposes it’s presence over the believers. Others will be seen queuing at the statue of Mary, which is protected by a gate, and just holding on to the gate in a spiritual trance. The rest of us, who be going there due to “family pressure”, were saved by the genius that opened a bar at the car wash / parking lot of the church! We strongly adhere to the core principles of seventh day absenteeism.

23rd – The rest of the chaps pile up at bus stations, although the luckier ones opt to service their cars at the nearest gas station and head to the village to remind the rural folk there what it means to live a good life. Chaps be chilling as the village folk run over themselves to impress the “summers” from the city, by fetching water and dressing in their new-ish t-shirts, so they could probably get a coin or so from these rich city folk!

25th – D Day! One is left pondering what all the fuss was about in the first place. The city gets virtually empty, a bad day for street beggars and pineapple sellers at traffic lights, they usually stay home cursing this God fella and his son’s birthday. DVD hawkers and boda boda chaps in their wisdom, go to churches to try and earn something. The boda chaps go to transport (and kill a few believers in the process in accidents) while the DVD fellaz be hawking the story of Moses, Jesus and Ben Hur. Speakin of which, who the hell is this Ben Hur fella? Never heard o’ im in Exodus, Leviticus or any another story from the Authors of the world’s bestseller, the Holy one.

25th – Again! Chaps be eagerly awaiting the soccer game that’s going to show. In the village, they first go to church late, but being the dime-laden characters they be, they are ALWAYS offered a bench at the front, where a poor family is usually and hastily evicted to take their broke asses to the back, or better yet just leave the church premises altogether, “I mean, how much tithe are they shoving in the basket goddamit!!” At bout 6pm or so, they head to the nearest hotel and force the manager to cut the Boney M BS (there it goes again) they have been playing for their usual customers, and switch on Supersport 3, coz Man U is on, punk!

25th – Uganda’s biggest network, if we are to actually believe their words, will show “Sound of Music”, at exactly 3.30 pm. Before that, u will be bored, ALMOST to death, by “Christmas Carols from Our Lady of Council Sister’s Choir”, where the sound of the piano will drive you to almost breaking up the TV set, but since you haven’t “hang” with the parents all year, u just cut yo losses! At 5.30 pm, they will screen “Roots”, again, for the 50th time, and when that “tape” starts chewing on itself, they will quickly bring out the “Shaka Zulu” re-run! At 9pm, ALL the networks will air the day's news, and guess the first story........"32 babies were born on Christmas day, at Nsambya hospital, 12 babies were born, including 3 triplets and 2 twins"....3 triplets and 2 twins????

26th – Boxing day - Who buys presents in Africa? Well, this day is supposed to be the day when chaps open up the gifts they received, but as u may or may not realise, chaps here only buy Christmas Cards!! That’s just about it! This is one free day to relax.

So anyways, there goes anatha day, with no sense whatsoever, except for all ye chaps that be working ssoooooooo extremely hard all year round, this is yo ka chance to meet up with the folks!

Time for UBC!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Xmas Break!!

Happy Holidays to all ye chaps that have been giving me backup up in here (Ms Drama, Ashy), and the rest of you buggers I keep meeting and you be like “that was some crazy shit you posted today” and I just be in shock “you mean you know my shit??? Now, pay for these pints if you don’t mind!”

Lets cap off this year, before the dreaded campaign season begins, and FDC chaps start throwing stones all over again! Let’s resume from September.

Septmeber, this was filled by a surge in ritual murders by chaps looking for a quick dime by chopping off little boys parts for sacrifice to their gods. Chicks were seen rushing their young ones to Salon Sparrows to get their ears pierced and rings in far to reach areas, so they could not be sacrificed in case they were kidnapped while playing “mommy and daddy” in the old and un-used dilapidated building outside Buganda Road P School.

7 Ugandan cricketers saw the light (and snow, and skyscrapers, and dimes, and fly-overs too) and ran off from their team mates after playing a tourney in Canada, they are currently cleaning shit off old people and throwing out the garbage from homes.

Kony Rebels moved to the CAR, a country near Sudan, and mutilated chaps like they used to do here in our backyard. These chaps don’t need visas and air tickets to move within Africa it seems, and we don’t really know why they have beef with CAR.

Sep 30th, Kabaka Mutebi and HE M7 finally met at State House to drink some chai and talk about how to probably share power. It was all plastic smiles and dishonest handshakes as the 2 moved around watching their backs to see if any knife had been drawn for a final stab! We, the confused and scared chaps still have no clue what these 2 guys yapped about, but it was probably about the new upcoming movie “Avatar”, because even Mwenda still doesnt know anything!

October 7th, Somalia’s junior Defence Minister was arrested on suspicion that he was going to blow up a few things here and there, until they clarified he was on an assignment! He probably looked like some chap on the wanted list, THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE!

15TH, the gay bill which has rocked the world (except Uganda) was introduced in parliament. Blokes ranging from US Prez and even the Pope, were heard opposing it, coz the bill said gay chaps should be hang, and probably shot after they had died, just to be sure their ghosts don’t hang around town! The Famous Pastor who had issues turning water into wine, hasn’t yet commented on this touchy issue, but we are as if sure of his comments!

Somali terrorists threatened to send Ugandans to heaven (or hell) earlier than anticipated, by blowing them up to minced meat, and probably feeding them to Marabou Stork. This was due to their being pissed at Uganda’s continued presence in their not-so gifted by nature territory! Uganda’s president responded that “he has fought many battles and won, and this too!!”

Nov 10th, General Kazini was clobbered to death, by a mere woman! This is not chauvinist, but this chick wasn’t even a Private for Pete’s sake! Apparently he was beating her up! Lydia Draru, the killer chick, had come out of her house to announce to her neighbours how she killed the General. She was probably wailing “excuse me, excuse me, anyone who can hear, I interrupt your morning programmes with this special announcement, I HAVE KILLED HIM, now that was it, you can return to normal programming!”

14th, announcement by nudist employers Zain that R Kelly, that other star of his own nude show, although his show had a 3rd co-star, urine, shall be performing in Kampala next year. Big Deal!

23rd, Land Bill passed, and all this despite the little cups of tea shared by the big men sometime in October. Taxpayers dimes spent on teabags and tea spoons went to waste when this bill was passed despite it being a “big issue” at the meet.

December is still on, only a fool would do a roundup yet we still aint done yet, but since I am a fool, well, what the heck, let me be a different one for now!

Blending in the Cultures!!

There will always be cultural and political differences whenever you move to a new community, like if you live in Kampala, then you go see those ancestors in Katawki, u will be pissed when they keep feeding you shit, like there is no food where you’ve been; grandma first brings roasted maize, “take yis wanu, its veye chweet…” she fumbles trying to speak through her toothless gums (harsh??? shya, we shall also get there, leave mi alone), sori folks, that was my conscience telling me its usual un-called for bullshit!!

Before the last grain is off the roasted maize cob, grandma than walks in with a steaming dish (metallic stuff from the 1980 steel factory that still existed) of boiled potatoes and half cooked beans, with large salt crystals still showing on the beans. The food comes and at first glance, you think its some sizzling pork from Faze 2, kumbe they open it and the steam sends you to a temporary daze, like some rugby chap that just got knocked the f*** out! Your stuff of “am full” falls on deaf ears, and I don’t mean that grandma doesn’t want to hear it, but SHE’S DEAF GODDAMIT!! (Piss off conscience, but we shall get deaf too).

Anyway, before u know it, grandma gets those bu boys that usually live with her, probably rejects from one of her useless sons that didn’t have a dime to purchase a condom, and tells them to dress up they are going to church to pray for that guy that lives 3 hills away from them, who died of ringworms, and this is when you know that Global Fund dimes actually kill people when stolen.

The kids come out dressed to kill, with a t-shirt written on “G Unit” and khaki shorts that you sent to the village when you were done with Kitante Primary School, and “Umoja” slippers, only worn when going to church! (F* Off conscience, we may get broke too!)

Seeing village life opens your mind (however silly it may be) to the fact that life has so many dimensions! Which is why its very hard for one to move cities, or villages for that matter.

Our young brothers in Kigali (A fatwa may be issued on my ass for typing that) are so different it may take a full year before one actually settles in (depending on one’s social index projections) coz these guy’s don’t play around. If you drive around, you MUST have a fire extinguisher in yo car!! If that stuff applied in Kla, guys would be emptying their extinguisher powder on boda boda guys that be riding like roaches fleeing from doom!

You must also have a reflector, incase you run out of fuel and yo car is stuck in the road. Here, we just go to the nearest tree, gather some branches off it and spread them a meter from the car. If it gets dark and you don’t see these leaves, sorry but the accident that you will cause will mean I get to have company as I wait to be towed away!

For those that want to get married, Kigali is it! There are few places for “clando” activities, plus, there’s only 850,000 inhabitants of the city, compared to Kla’s 3 milli, so everyone knows yo stray ass. If you don’t have dimes to fly her to Kla once in a while (the clando chick), STAY ON ONE NETWORK PUNK!!

The pint life however is ballistic, for the first week. To be more precise, Kigali is like Bugolobi, so assume you are new in Bugos. The first night, you will be blasting at Catch the Sun, like a problem, you will wish you never went back. The next day, you kick off early at Gabs, it gets boring, so you go to Zone 7, and you meet half the guys that were at Catch the Sun, then day 3, you hit Bead For life, and get excited how there are “many places” to hang, then you finally move to Bamboo Nest on Day 4, by this time you have been meeting the same chick, and you think you like her!

Day 5, “erm, Paul, where haven’t we been yet?”

“Sorry bro, but that’s all the places, back to Catch the Sun now”

So if you work there, remember that afore-mentioned chick that you liked? Now, marry her, coz if you stray at Bead For life, her friends will “report on you!”


(No offence Kigali chaps, but It is wat it is!! Happy Holidays PUNKS!)

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Road trip to Kigali!!

The journey itself is freakin bullshitty, depending on how you get there, lets use the bus scenario.

Time check, well, there is no more time check, these days buses leave throughout day and night, but the 9am trip is the hardest. Chaps leave right on time (the only thing that’s probably done on time in East Africa), and when you get to Nateete, u be praying there is no riot for some shit.

The road to Kabale, the worst stretch of 500 km land known to man, is so fucked up, being on this bus is the same as being on a roller coaster, just that this roller coaster lasts 7 hours or so. Thankfully, these buses don’t stop by the roadside, so that smelly hawkers with expired biscuits and boiled eggs don’t jump onto the bus to sell their crappy un-healthy stuff to these passengers, those things are for the weak buses.

Nigerian movies show on these metal transporting devices, aka buses, and they put the volume so loud, you find farmers lining up by the roadside to atleast watch a 30 second clip of the movie as the bus whizzes by them, they return to mulching their yam gardens as they wait for the next bus! We chaps that be posing with i-pods, loaded with 300 of the hardest ol school jams, don’t get to listen to them coz this movie volume is louder than the earphones goddamit!

The boarder, hussle. U get out and all the 60 other passengers are lined up at the immigration place, the sun is so hot but u gots to stand with chaps and brave the heat. Some old woman from Congo will always come up with her immigration form and ask u to fill it , coz she cant write, all she does is give u her passport, and smile.

Enter the office, and these stamp-wielding big bellied civil servants be drinking black tea, with half a doughnut on the side plate, and a copy of the day’s newspaper half open, he looks at yo passport, looks at you, like you owe him some dimes, then lazily stamps the thing and throws it back at ya “I just did u a favour u little punk, now move along”, he seems to say!

No man’s land, 100 chaps following you with foreign currency and small calculators “my rate is better, how much do you have”, these chaps look like buzzing blue flies from a latrine, one wishes he had doom to spray them off!

After the pleasantries of having the passport stamped by the Rwanda chaps (they are an equally boring bunch like their Uganda counterparts), you head to the bus, where EVERYTHING has been removed from the bus, these chaps don’t play. U be like in a court house heading to jail as u all line up to re-enter the bus and point out yo lugguage, the chap opens it and checks virtually EVERYTHING in the bag. Any polythene bag is emptied, the contents dropped on the road, so you have to pick them up.

Some chick, bambi, had her bu panties and a few tampons thrown to the ground, she almost fainted with embarrassment, now that chap who was vibing her had lost the steam! After this humiliation, you are allowed to proceed.

Kigali is too quiet for the average chap that has lived in the rest of East Africa, we guys go crazy till morning, in Kigs however, u can have police come to your house at midnight and tell you to shut down the party, “it’s too noisy at this time!”. There are like 6 or so clubs or bars or hangouts, which can be a total blast if you are chilling here for like a week, that’s a bar a day.

The freedom to talk shit is still limited, owing to the events of the recent past, tempers can still flare and chaps unleash the un-forgotten anger that is still ebbing in their souls, thus a repeat of the 1994 occurrence, so even I am scared to type some shit, some security chap may be playing with google and lands on my shit, and this will be the last post!!

So, due to the circumstances mentioned above, I will say;

My, this country is TOO ballistic, there are NO potholes, there are BALLISTIC people, the police are VERY nice, the bars close in time so we go home and sleep instead of being a nuisance, the town is ORGANISED, and I will tell EVERYBODY about it!!

Over n out!!

Ze Srii Aza Manth-ez!!!

Well well well, it’s one of those mornings that look like a holiday, owing to all this Christmas stuff goin around, and yet you are in office, bambi, sorry!! Now since the year is coming to a crisp end, and news reaching this desk, or rather the phone next to it, is that the Venue has opened after being refurbished into a 5 star bar, so if you don’t have a loose 7 thou for just 1 pint, never mind it tastes EXACTLY the same as that Bell at Mama Toffa’s container in Kawuku, don’t drag yo broke ass there, mbu it’s happening!

July

2nd, Zain launches Zap! Big Deal! When these guys of Zain said they were bringing something new, advertising in newspapers that “something big is coming from Zain”, we thought they were sending more nude snaps of their CTO in action with intern number 2, kumbe they were just copying what MTN had done a month or so earlier, punks!

7th, MJ, King of Pop and also King of little children’s behinds, who had died in June (how the hell didn’t I see this), was lain at some stadium in the Who S of A for final prayers, before he finally goes to heaven to meet more little boy angels!

21st, lousy chap Akon, who had jammed to go to Kenya 5 times, and postponed his visit to Ug 3 times, accepted that he had a kid with a Ugandan chick, Awori something, which came as a very big relief to this Awori babe, coz she had been dying to be in the news.

On 26th, The Sinan talk show, hosted by Faridah, shocked the wits out of normal chaps when she hosted a working prostitute on her show. This prosti wasn’t playing around, and was mentioning very nasty things. She said mbu sometimes she encounters very large men (she meant their member’s) who after doing the damn thing with, she has to go look for an open clinic for treatment!! The chick, also said she got her first kid at age 13, and had 5 kids by age 19!! Well, since she has experience in the chowing area, I bet the best job for her would involve chowing, what the heck, let her stay in the damn prostitution business!

August

Olara Otunnu, that 57 year old man with no wife and kids, returned to Ug after almost 23 years. He had expected to be welcomed like Gaetano, but unfortunately no one had ever seen his bed-minton matches on live Tv, let alone him just being with a chick! He was later quoted as saying the Government planned to call him gay as a smear campaign, and have introduced the anti-gay bill so he doesn’t stand for President!

Around 26th, professional music plagiarists / thieves, Mowzey and Radio stole yet another song and beat, Bread and Butter from some broke artiste called Arafat, who claimed he didn’t have money to promote his song first! They had earlier done a similar song to some Zambian, and anatha to some Nigerian, and the beat for the Zuena song came from P-square. What a bunch!

September

For 2 days or so, we stopped watching Palestinians throwing stones at Israeli police to catch our very own Kiseka Market chaps, throwing stones (and used condoms) at riot police. Broke chaps, who really didn’t give a rat’s ass whether the Kabaka did what or what, needed some exercise to erase the bad memories of the brokeness they be lounging in. Political analysts (or just people that want to be seen and heard on radio or tv) went on all radio stations claiming to dissect the root cause of the conflict between the Kingdom and Government, forgetting the simplest of em all, CHAPS ARE BROKE BITCH!!!

10th , as a result of these punks mentioned above, some 4 radio stations had their mics un-plugged, and we are not talking of them having a show in Club Silk, sponsored by Club Beer, that’s a different un-plugged, these were switched off indefinitely, till they say those three little magic words to the Govt, “am choooo chowi!”

18th September, the GREATEST day for any male (except a certain Pastor we know) Pole dancing was introduced in Kampala. It wasn’t exactly a night to remember, as all these things we copy from white chaps are not done well. Strecth-marked chicks who had no business showing off their cellulite skin in public were the so-called entertainers, they tried out their shit from 10pm to 11pm when they gave up due to exhaustion, then the MC, with no shame, told the audience to go try it out, never mind its they who paid to watch!

Finally, this Tusker Project Fame thingy was taking place, and was oddly being watched by more people than thought. A Kenyan chap named Debarl (this has to be a stage name) was the last chap evicted by end of this month. The MC asked him to do one more song before leaving the house, which is quite like saying “Erm Debarl, since you are leaving the house, please sing for us one more song just to remind the public why they don’t like you!!!”

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Christmas - In the eyes of a grande IDIOT!!

Christmas time is a festive time - a time for parties and presents and songs that we all love, except for Bonny M and their ♪feliz navidad♪ bullshit, which I for one got tired of in approximately 1994, and which now causes me to dislocate my forefinger stabbing the car-radio button every hour or so. Usually Capital FM starts this mess on November 25th-ish!

In these day’s when Pastor’s (They are many), Apostles (Mitala), Prophets (Kakande) and Bishops (TD Jakes) have hijacked religion and monetarized every aspect of it (Buy my inspiration book and cd at only $25, or come for my seminar instead, $10 a seat), and some Pastors (Kayanja) even tried to emulate the Holy One, or is it Ghost, who turned water into wine, by being creative enough to smuggle it instead thru their lakeside palatial homes, the real story of Christmas is fading into obscurity, as these afore mentioned buggers will be selling Christmas message cd’s instead of reminding us what the hell exactly it is we are celebrating.

If the Anglicans were not poking their snotty noses over their Bishop’s bedroom windows to figure out which entry points they use for their relaxation with their significant others, maybe they would be preaching the real message. I happened to take a break today from meeting foreign dignitaries (Indian shopkeepers I was chatting with in Bugos) at about 11am to stroll to aristoc and pick a book to whiz the rest of the day by, knowing full well that all members of the public were at work, my my, when do people work?? There was a long queue, like the one of MP’s waiting for the 5 million bucks bribe at Mosa Courts a couple of years ago to lift the Presidential term limits.

Anywho, the Christmas message even in Africa is soooooo lost, judging by what chaps were buying at aristoc. Get this, and no offence to anyone that buys this shit, but there was a fountain that was spraying white crystals into the air, onto an artificial snowman dressed up as Father Christmas, while the Snowman was ringing a bell, and that was what chaps, many of them Africans, were queuing up to buy! No comment.

A christmas card I found at some desk had on the back, “Hallmark, manufactured using pulp from managed trees, for every tree cut down, at least one is planted!” So we shouldn’t really give a shit about the Christmas message within, but should buy because these guys are so nice they will replace your tree! Let me remind you of the original Christmas story, as we knew it!

Somewhere in Bethlehem, where today Israelis are making minced meat of Palestinians, there was a ballistic chick called Mary, she was too ballistic, even God couldn’t resist, and she hadn’t been on ANY sexual network since she was born, so God sent some flying chap, an angel called Gabriel, to tell her she would get pregnant soon, with a man-child called Jesus. Gabriel didn’t attempt to pull a ki fast one on her, coz God used to see EVERYTHING goddamit!

Without even going to Dr Ssali’s clinic, like that 57 year old of 2 months ago, Mary got preggers, as The National Enquirer would have proclaimed, had it been there. Her husband Joseph, who every chick must want by now, I mean yo virgin chick gets pregnant, by anatha dude, and u stay with her??? Howly??? Anywho, this Joze character took Mary to his ancestral home in Bethlehem so she could get to Dr Ian Clarke’s IHK for a caesarean, but it seemed God jammed this stuff, mbu it was not yet time for that technology to hit the streets, so they instead went to an inn somewhere. Mary, bless her, gave birth to a bouncing bundle of joy, and placed him in a manjor, which is a feeding thingy for sheep, it was late in the night, so Jose couldn’t rush out to get pampers and SMA gold, so they instead wrapped him in bands of cloth, and Mary did the breastfeeding thing, she knew Dr 90210 would do the implants some later day! (real blasphemy shit going on here!)

A star arose in the east, and we are not talking bout a star like R Kelly, but the shiny thingy in the sky, and appeared to three wise guys who then travelled to Jerusalem bearing gifts for this new celeb kid. The gifts they bore included Gold (probably from Kisangani) and stuff called Myrrh, which by the way is some kind of chewing gum, which means that the Uchumi Jerusalem stores were still open and anyone that bought Gold got a complimentary Eclairs to go with! Mary fed the Eclairs to the sheep!

So this kid grew up to spread the word, told it like it was, fed 2 thousand guys on 2 loaves of bread and 5 fish (without a single wedding meeting), turned water into wine at some bash (even paid the corkage), walked on water (David Blaine failed) and even brought some chap from the dead (he probably hadn’t finished clearing his banjas). Unfortunately, he was rounded up like an opposition party leader, tried for high treason (at least they didn’t add rape) and sentenced to hang on the cross with 2 low level burglers (probably iron bar hitmen)!

His followers however insist that he died for our sins, but the Romans that hang him say he was claiming to be a King of the Jews, yet he was in their territory (Kayunga!)

So while u buy cards, just know it was becoz of the brave guy whose escapades have been mentioned above.

PS: If the pearly gates of heaven are actually there, I see some chap reading to me this stuff, and kicking my ass to some plane in flames written on “Departures: Final boarding call: Destination: HELL: Return time: NEVER”

April and May 09 - Oh what a bummer!!

The year is almost ending and we were just on March. Lets do a double month here shall we, April and May, here goes;

A survey done in April showed that online shopping was low in Uganda. Let’s see why. After Nigerians scammed many Ugandans with that crap of “Mo nem is Chuu Achukwu, I om a kozin to Soni Abocha, sond me yo e-mail odress and bonk occount details and we sholl share de monny equally!” After that shit, who will return to the internet for online anything?

Dream galz split! If anyone had known that this could actually still be a news item on the archives of a country’s history, they would shudder with so much shame, even Nsaba Buturo’s statements will seem like a better option to read!

April 16th, the fire-spitting, or is it saliva spitting IGG Justice Faith Mwondha, who had become a ball and chain around the neck of any chap that was in charge of even the slightest dime was re-appointed as IGG and her deputy sent packing to idle-land, also called indefinite leave. The IGG, who had refused to be vetted by those thieving buggers, also known as MP3 players, or rather MPs, had insisted she had been chosen by God (a personal and family friend) and could only be vetted by Him.

Down South in SA, the chap who washed his belongings with hot water to avoid catching the real cause of these numerous “get off the sexual networks” ads, a one J Zuma, was on his final campaign trail, and got a surprise visit from the man whose wife waited 27 years for him while in jail only to be divorced like a bad skin disease, on the 28th year, a one Nelson Madiba the Hardest!!

28th April, Nakumtt Oasis launched, but unfortunately, the corporatal beer guzzlers and party blasters were pissed to the core, when they went there and found that all investments were geared toward escalators, banks, a large shopping mall (like we don’t have many) and silly coffee shops! Where is the cinema? Where is the bar? Where is the disco?

Sunday May 2nd, rally driver Riyaz Kurji drove off the course drawn on his map and into an anthill, unfortunately, not even the airbags could save him. He died instantly.

On 8th May, Orange (those Quality-minded buggers) announced that Shaggy was coming to Uganda. Their expatriate staff were so excited they were going to see a superstar for the first time in Africa, while the locals were like twakoowa!! Insiders were overheard opining that Shaggy, who was returning to Kampala for the 23rd time (he first came with the NRM government) had a secret family in Entebbe that he was coming back to see, but disguised it as a concert!

Well, as u can clearly see, no news is boring news, 2 months of total bullshit!! When are the riots reaching?

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The dime is in Communication Bitch!!

Looks like the radio station business is booming, like a freakin nuclear bomb on a test from Iran! Last time we checked, there were like 156 licensed radio stations, and the Uganda Communications Commission has just moved into one of the most ballistic buildings in Bugolobi, meaning they are making a killing in terms of currency points. These pumpkins have the audacity to kumanyiira taxpayers by putting a sauna and gym in their premises, and wait for it, the big one…..a day care center for children of the chaps that work in there!

How important is this crap? A sauna for the workers? And just opposite this building, ok not exactly opposite, but in the vicinity, is the ONLY free drugs for all clinic, in Kiswa, and since the doctors don’t have a day care center, they are off on Sundays, so if u are a rioter, housemaid or boda boda lumpen, never get malaria on a Sunday, otherwise it’ll be yo last headache!!

So how can you….yes you, the enterprising fella, cash in on this communication blitz, well you just start a radio station too. What did u say? I cant hear you? How to run it? Simple, just follow these guidelines;

1- The morning breakfast show: U will get a noisy guy, and a noisier chick to present on this show, and once in a while throw in a 3rd chap just to make it look as if you actually care for the listener’s lousy views! Make sure these guys forge topics every morning, and pretend to the public mbu someone has written a letter and is seeking advice. Always let it be about love, coz as said before, men and women are totally different species, so the guy will always have a different opinion on the matter from the chick, this will make listeners think that they have “chemistry” so they will keep calling in! Forge a story like “erm, this letter is from Stella, now Stella says her boyfriend is still in love with his first love and he cant make up his mind, what can I do?”

Lady Presenter: Stella, do yourself a HUGE favour and leave that idiot alone…

Guy presenter: But honestly, let her give him time to think about it…..

Both: Callers, what do you think? The lines are open 0914-222222 call in now!!!

Now that’s what I call fast cash!

2- An easy phone number: Keep the listeners calling in by getting an easy to cram number from the million phone companies we have, so when the morning show buggers say “call in and advise Trishia on this problem”, chaps have the number off head, and by the way, u receive a dime for every call made to this number! So make it 0914-222222

3- Lunch hour request: Around this time, most corporate buggers have gotten a small break from that dictator/terrorist also known as the boss. At this time they like to listen to a particular song before they go back to the terror squad known as office, they will definitely call in at this time.

Scenario: Hi, this is Patrick, please play for me the song “we shall overcome” by Don Williams, for my listening pleasure. Ka ching, dimes in the cash till!

4- Evening drive: This show also usually has 2 presenters, but in most cases 1 loud bugger is good enuff. Don’t bother the people in Finance with requests to buy more CD’s, just make these guys read the newspapers and come up with the day’s topic, then people will call in like a problem, gone are the days when Rasta Rob played more music, and even Mitch tried, but these days, talk, talk and more crappy talk, cheaper for you, the radio station owner!

5- Late Date / Late night drive / Midnight love: This is the final show you will have to present to your listeners. Just get a guy with a deep voice, if you cant, get a chap and put him so close to the microphone and set it to some computer program called “voice interchanger”, available from all software pirates in any of the plazas in town. Get some broke campus chicks and give them airtime, chips and chicken and a free kabiriiti phone and instruct them to keep calling to air out some imaginary problems that this deep voiced fella will dispense some advice on! In about a month, REAL people with REAL problems will start calling in too. Investment? Chips, chicken and airtime – results? Very good!

If advice followed above works, then you shall be receiving dimes from all these advertising chaps in tow, and your license fees shall construct a swimming pool for the employees of the Uganda Communications Commission. Good Luck!

What it do....March 09!!

March 09, a very weak month at the pearl. Well, lets see what happened anyways!

March 5th, now that’s how bad March was, there was no news from 1st to 4th, but on 5th, an LRA top dawg, a one Kwoyelo, was harvested like a drunk grasshopper from the jungles of the Garamba Forest in the Congo, he was roasting elephant meat! This punk was flown into Entebbe aboard one of the army’s military choppers, and disembarked looking like a demented witch that had just fallen off it’s blazing broomstick, coz he was all strapped in tubes of water dripping right into his bloodstream since he had a couple of bullets lodged in his intestines. He is still in custody.

The ICC, having missed the chance to nab Kwoyelo since he was not on their warrant list, got so pissed that they were going to be bored this year, and instead issued an arrest warrant for Sudanese prez, a one Omar el Bashir, on March 6th. He was baptised by the ICC Chief Prosecutor as a “war mongering punk that should be brought here to white man’s land so the blacks wont be killed”. The Sudanese officials of course, in typical style, showed the middle finger to international reporters, when asked to comment on the issue. They are still holding it up!

6th – Dreadlocked bugger Bebe Cool made a Bebe Fool out of himself when he announced that his Hummer was on the Mombasa – Nairobi route heading straight to his rented 3 bedroom house compound. This was despite the fact that his Range Rover had just been attached as collateral for a debt of about 20 million bucks, which is the same amount a Hummer fetches in just taxes alone, but since the Hummer hasn’t arrived, guess it was good publicity for his next album.

About 3 days later, as in 9th, should have just typed 9th instead of feeling cool, mbu 3 days later, who types this shit? anyway, on ze 9th, a cargo plane carrying supplies to Somalia crashed on take off at the Ebbs airport. We still don’t know whether it hit a pot hole or was trying to dodge it when this happened, but since this is the grand country of pot holes, we don’t need the black box to figure this out. And since only the black box survives plane crashes, why don’t they make the ENTIRE plane a freakin black box?

12th March, Orange telecom launched. The CEO had these wise words for the anxious clients-in-waiting, “you should not expect lower rates but you will get better quality in terms of value”, a statement that pissed off boda boda goons and houseboys allover the country, “coz they don’t eat quality BITCH!!”, which explains why they missed the Shaggy show to launch this company!

Since there was NO news in March, no riots, no Olympics, just nadda, the final piece of news came in the form of “City socialite and wannabe model Judith Heard got twins”, like we give a rat’s ass!!! Who the hell is this socialite bitch and how much does she give back to the community? And why the hell do people care what’s going on in her life? She should be taught how to use twitter, and leave our papers for more constructive stuff, or better yet, move to the US and hang with Paris Hilton and her small bu dogs on her palms!


Out with March ’09!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Feb 09 - The happenings!!

Feb 1st really had no news, and that’s why no one was really surprised when the headlines of that day were “George Obama arrested on drug charges”. His claim to fame was that he had the same father as the chap that is now the US president, never mind he lives in a shanty part of Nairobi. Why was this news??

On the 7th, the mighty visionary Kagu, decided to sell 117 of his cows at an auction and the loot was to be used in government projects. Project coordinators were seen celebrating coz more free money for them to embezzle was coming their way. Apparently these cows were gifts to the prez from chaps within the country, they probably wanted tax pardons or some free acres of land in Lugogo, coz who the hell gives a rich guy gifts?

On 10th Feb, one of these buggers that keep calling themselves “ba upcoming” a chap called Omulangira Suuna, released a song praising new US head honcho, Obama! He was definitely taking a cue from chaps that have made a killing mentioning the name Juma Seiko in their songs, or G Wavamunno! However, the American President was too busy watching America’s Pop Idol, that this song didn’t get his attention, oh, and also the fact that it was on a writable CD, couldn’t play on Air Force one!

On the 12th, Tusker Project fame winner, a one Esther Something, said she had finalised her maiden album, 11 tracks to be precise. It’s December, and we don’t seem to have heard the “hits” she claimed took her long to produce. Her manager Straka, who wedded herself to a hospital bed just here last week, was helping her with composing her luganda songs, they were probably about how to plan for weddings!!

A cabinet re-shuffle took place, 16th Feb, and chaps that had no constituencies were dropped from cabinet, like a bad habit. Suruma of the temangalo fame, Mulira of the blackberry fame and some other chaps we really don’t give a shit about, were re-assigned to other duties, and told to get constituencies of their own, which may probably explain why these chaps want many districts these days. The president’s wife, an owner of her own constituency, benefited from these new developments!

25th Feb, Owino market was up in flames, like a school dormitory block! Here’s the fun bit, The Fire department, just a couple of feet away from the market, couldn’t put out the fire because…..wait for it……wait for it…..here it comes…….just a sec……they had no water!!!! It took a private company, Firemasters, located 40 kilometers away to come put out the fire. A yellow bus that happened to be passing by got itself a meal of stones from the angry traders, why? Coz that’s the freakin ruling party colour, and they were pissed with whoever was in charge!

Phewks, the month is finally ending, but ofcourse with a few bangs! Prez Kags “the ballistic visionary” M7 donated 1 billion bucks to the Owino market traders to re-build whatever was left of their burnt-up existence. He had probably raised that dime from the afore-mentioned auction, damn, that went well, we’ll all need to get the phone numbers of these auctioneers, 1 billion for a few cows, damn they are good!!

The King of Buganda also donated 5 million bucks, he probably hadn’t got the time to auction anything! He is a nice fella however. The froggy voiced singer Chameleon offered half a million bucks, he had probably spent the rest on medical bills on his countless fractures, never mind these chaps pay him in the millions to see his ass perform, and all he could return was a miserly half?

Ghetto pretender bobi swine, sori wine, had the nerve to say he was donating 10 million bucks, more than the king! Chaps had started ululating when they heard the legendary “wait……it has some conditions. See this here Cadillac, am putting it up for sale, if I get the 10 million, then it’s yours, but just know that in my heart, 10 million has burst to you guys, now, who wants to buy a crappy shiny silver car??” 10 months later, the swine is still driving it! How we forget!

And finarry, on 28th, MTN brought mobile money. So that meant that now you cant hide anymore from that Uncle that keeps showing up from Ibanda for fees for his 13th born kid. Now the bugger will simply say “I have been missing to see you in office ALL the time so I have been suffering trying to look for fees, but now MTN has brought you right to my doorstep, so whenever you see my beep at the beginning of the term, please send 100 souzand sillings, sench u very many”……Out with Feb!!

Co-habiting woos!!

Men are a TOTALLY different species from women, which begs the question, what the hell is wrong with Pastor K, and Archbishop Robinson and oh, all those fucked up priests!

Living with a chick though can be a daunting task for we species, coz the rules of engagement (not the fiancé thingy) are from a totally different globe! What’s with the toilet seat being left up? For the sake of the Ibanda chaps, lets explain.

The toilet has a cover, and a seat, so while peeing, the chaps have to lift up the seat so that he doesn’t sprinkle his un-wanted smelly liquids onto the seat, coz that’s property of the chick’s ballistic behind.

Fine, guys put up that seat and go about their bizness, but all hell breaks lose when the chick goes to the facilities and u left the damn seat up!! My goodness, its like a cat whose tail has been stepped on! Chick’s fur beez standing up straight as she rages on about how un-couth yo lazy ass is, cant put the seat back doen??? Who the hell do u think you are??

Then of course the argument starts, and trust chicks to always remember stuff of ages ago, she beez like “no wonder Maggie couldn’t stand yo ass!!” We are left no choice but to say “that was 21 years AGO, and we were in Kitante!!!”

The worst of course is the ego burster, the killer punch, the shit that drives guys to bars. See, you have just finished eating that ballistic katogo from Romalo, and you dumped the plate in the sink, and went back to blast on a pirated copy of 30 rock, its new godamit, clarity don’t count here! Then she walks in, mama mia!!

“You good for nothing BASTARD, cant you wash yo plate, do I look like a slave to you???”

“Look, the maid will wash them”

Then the punch, un-called for, you be still in the argument then she goes;

“pre-mature ejaculator!!”

So we all congregate in Gabiro, to maturely DRINK PINTS!!! If we had Tiger Woods dime, we would just buy a huge ring every time we forgot to wash the plates, and oh, give up our careers too!! Way to go Tiger, on the solution to this predicament.

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to matters described above are PURELY coincidental!!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

January 09 - In a nutshell!!

So the year has come to an end, you can know this because the bored chaps at Sanyu FM have started playing Christmas songs already, and the chaps at the New Vision are asking you to write to them who did what, for the year 2k9.

At this here blog, we are going to re-coup the happenings of 2k9, since that’s the fad these days, who are we not to jump into the bandwagon!

January:

The year began on a horrendous note, no fuel. In January 2k8, rioters in Kenya, who were quite displeased with the way Kibaki had firmly entrenched his behind at the Presidential chair in the Kenya State house, started burning anything that moved. Truck drivers responsible for ferrying fuel to Uganda were beaten up, and their fuel sniffed by the rioting goons. In Jan 2k9, the excuse was that the pipeline was being repaired. The fuel scarcity meant that all Kampala posers parked their Hummers at home and borrowed the Premios for safety.

Gas station owners, especially those little unknown ones increased prices to 15,000 bucks a litre, which pissed off boda boda chaps. People would be driving around town and whenever they saw a queue, they simply joined, only to reach the pump and hear “its over”, so chaps used more fuel, looking for fuel!

Around the 5th of this month, a security officer shot a cleaner at Garden City Stan Chart bank, and gave himself a dose of 1 bullet as well, ending his miserable life instantly. A note found on him claimed that the cleaner was on his sexual network, but her husband had just been released from prison so she was going back to him, so since he didn’t have 100 million dollars signed on his pre-nup like Tiger Woods so she could stay on his network, he killed her, and himself!

Musician, or is it froggy voiced artiste, a one Chameleon was knocked senseless when he had an altercation with some chap from Club Silk. It was also over a woman. The irate chap apparently followed the froggy voiced fella outside the night club and knocked him down with his car, like a bulldozer bringing down an electricity pole, leaving the frog, sorry, artiste hospitalized. He (of the froggy voice) was still recovering after apparently sleep walking his way into the tabloids, by breaking his legs after falling off a hotel balcony in Tz, an event that called for an inquiry into whether his blood stream had traces of the ganja!

On around 17th or thereabouts, Uganda Investment Authority knighted telecom company Warid as Sir Investor of the Year. Young fellas and corporates were pissed by this dubbing, because these Warid punks failed to bring in Beyonce, yet Zain had brought Akon and MTN had ferried in UB40, who are these punks who haven’t even brought at least Mr Blue??

30th Jan was the worst, pay tv pretenders GTV threw in the towel, and disappeared with our dimes! These thieving lumpens had only soccer to show on their pathetic excuse of a TV network, coz the 5 or so other channels that they had on offer were as boring as Top TV and Record TV combined! They just woke up and put notices on their doors “sorry pumpkins, but we needed this dime, do not even try to call any of our phones, they are OFF godamit, so we shall leave you with 2 wise words, figure them out, but the last one ends with off!”

Lets see what February brought, next time!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Men like em.........skirty!!!

Good question, what do men like? For starters, anything that wears a skirt as conventional clothing, ranging from the hot shot company MD to the low life house maid, depending on how many pints one has had, no discrimination on this issue.

Some men however, like the Archbishop Robinson of the Anglican church, love people in skirts, that’s a given, however, they love those men that be masquerading in skirts with names like Father, Bishop and Pope, they love em all cassock-wearing spiritual asses!

Men, that is the rest of the species with the decency to be normal, are lesbians, yes, they love chicks. Matter of fact, if a man ever caught his wife in a compromising position with another chick, he would be super excited, he would just ask his wife “please please please honey let me watch!!! please continue, I love u babe, u are the shit, me n u forever babe!!!”

However, when it’s the other way round, a chick will grab the nearest panga and slice up that gay delivery chap that is warming his groin up against her boo! These gay bastards with all their dime, trying to mess us up! How come the lesbian organisations don’t have dime to convert broke chicks into their societies? We, the normal chaps are thinking of sinking dimes into the lesbian groups, coz gay buggers are taking over, cutting our foreign aid and stuff!

Y’all must be wondering, when is the next point coming up, as in what else do chaps like, erm, sorry to bust ya bubble, but that’s just about it – chicks, lesbians or straight ones, that’s just about it!

What, did u say cars? Nah, that’s no longer an issue, fuel prices bust our bubble! Phones? What’s that shit? Unless you live in Masaka, it’s all good now! Money? Oh shit, sorry I forgot, men love their wallets BIGGER!

Lumpens be walking up to highly educated chicks seated at their desks posting snaps on facebook, drop a ballistic Samsung phone, with airtime, and their number, never to say even a word! That trick, although such a cliché, unbelievably still works. The chick beez calling, never mind she’s a hot shot 26 year old rising up the ladder of that top 10 tax paying corporatal company and the chap is a 57 year old civil servant with 20 houses, built from Global Fund dimes. First she’ll be telling her girls, “what the hell is wrong with that wrinkled ol punk, sending me a phone as if!!!”

Secretly at 12.30 am she beez calling;

“Hi, is this Honourable…………….. (insert name of a 57 year old wrinkled govt official), I was meaning to call…erm….is yo wife at home….i think I want to see you…..”

The wrinkly old thieving bugger is like;

“Aki chu a rry I was wanted to or-so call, I sent some bu frowers to yo-wa office, and air ticket to cape town, we sha-rr meeting zeya”

“Ahhhh my gash, you shouldn’t have, ok, I’ll get leave next week, then we hook up!!”

Ok, this is some chauvinist shit, but 80% of the times, this shit happens, and somehow the snaps are leaked to the internet (See Jagaza with Zain, in Cape Town).

So there u have it, chaps like dime…..erm…to get the only thing they like, BIRDS! We can comfortably say, men love bird watching! They are hyenas always on the prawl! They are lions, always on the hunt!

Disclaimer: Any similarities with actual people is coincidental! Except the Jagaza wrinkled man......BITCH!!!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Women like ?**? bigger!

"Women like it bigger.......call 0752-XXX-XXX" so goes the ad that u will find pasted on almost every thing that stands still in Kla.

We, the male folk that are still trying to figure out chicks, were left puzzled on what exactly women want bigger, although the naughty Ethics Minister, a one Buturo chap, was quick to point out that these posters were an unpleasant sight in the city, so we ruled out they had TOTALLY nothing to do with the following;

1- Car: Of late, women are driving bigger cars, Prados, Range Rovers and the all new VX are nolonger the monotony of Kikuubo hustlers that dress like Congolose Bongo stars of the mid-90's. Chicks be hooting at us boda boda riding lumpens as they make their way to the traffic lights just before they turn orange, then unleash a ki lip gloss after they have swung by the lights, surviving being caught by the red light by a whisker. Now they have mirrors on the bonnet, dashboard and the steering wheel, make-up aint a hustle no more!

2- Home / house. We know they like bigger kitchens, but that was then.....this is now!! A compound with an umbrella like tree where they can pedicure and manicure their bu precious nails while the wind gently blows through their ballistic hair is a MUST!! Bugolobi flats??? Why are u kumanyira-ring her?? Lets do this in English preaze.....why are u familiar-ing her???

3- Bag: Y'all seen those bags chicks carry these days? They like their bags...er...bigger!! Chicks got tired of coming to that house and there's just 1 towel! They be saying mbu its the trend but kumbe the bathroom slippers for the night are in. Some naughty chaps at BBQ lounge were overheard telling some chick that holding that bag is just making a statement, "willing to be carried tonight!!"

4- Shades: They have to be HUGE, like the eyes of the characters of star wars movies. These bu tiny shades of yester-year are nonsense. Women like them bigger - shades, that is!!

5- Rav4: FINALLY, something women don't like bigger!! 2 doors? She'll take it!!

So what was this Nsaba Buturo's fuss? And why the hell is he always attacking popular things!!

So women, what should the men's posters say......men like it......... (fill in very appropriate word here, we are sending this shit to the Ministry of Ethics for interpretation!)

The Life and times.......of an askari!!

As I was relaxing at the gardens of who gives a shit, the resident askari of the area walked over to ask for a ki 100 buck coin so he could get a cigarette! I used this chance to ask him about him-u-selef, and here’s the uncut and unedited version of the story, this cost a cool 2 thou bucks, and half of my lager, so here goes;

My name me am called Sylvester (I knew it, pure pre-colonial name, very common also with wheelbarrow pushers and chaps that sell braids and sugarcanes at the traffic lights). I hail from Kibibi district, Mutunyoza parish (what the hell is hail, kumbe I thought it was just in Hail Mary, full of pints! ((blasphemous punk!)) Con-ninue, priz…. My fazza, was a parish chief, at the LC1 level, incharge of education, so we were big people (wonder what the LC2’s kid will say, bigger people, perhaps?).

Anyway, my fazza he had the many wives, very many I tell you, you hear of the Mswati, my father was bigger. I was the child number 14, from my mazza, ze wife number 6! But when he passed by the way……”hold up, u mean passed away?”.......ah, u English people, did u know that that is not yo-wa language?.......”that’s for another time bugger, go on”………sench u, anyway, my fazza he passed on the way, then the wives they started to fight for the belongings!

Wife number 1 and the number 2 got very many of the lands, and they gave the childrens of them, us we were left to suffering, so I entered the lorry for the primary school, which was going to Kampala to bring the firewood, and I was the turn boy, but when I reach the Kisenyi, I jump out!

First, I used to sleep on the bus stop, there was a nice chair that was put by the people of Mango telecom. I use the kaveeras of Bin-IT, they are very big and cover me ploperly! Then I was walking one day, and saw the askari, and ask him if I want to be askari, he say I must finish P7, I tell him I finish S2, at the school, but no school fees. He tell me to follow him, and the next day, I get the gun, and the training and they put me here.

I stay with my friend, also askari, there in Kisenyi. We have a very big house, eh, even other askari they like it, we have 1 bedroom, and a bathroom outside. The rent is 14,000/= a month, so me I pay the 7 thousand, and him the 7 thousand. My salary is 45 thousand, so I walk to home, and send some money home, to build the house. The grass for the roof is very expensive, so I save 5 thousand every month, so I finish the house!

My wife is in the village, but I need to have the 4 other wives, so I be big like my fazza! The children are only 6 now, I want about 9 more, then I stop. Future? shyaa, nga us we were 14 and now look, we have made it!!

Senk u for zis 2 souzand, God bless u very many, today, am going to buy a full roast maize, for 1 souzand, everyday I buy the half a cob, but today, u have given me the blessing to eat full cob!!

Personally am out, for a full Nile Perch grilled rib – luckily the askari wont read this shit!!

Alcoholics Synonymous

Butabika Hospital

Ward 4C

Dept of Alcohol and Drug abuse

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) session

9.02 am


John: Hi all, am John..

All in unison: Hi John

John: And am an alcohol addict…..

All: Murmers across the room.

John: Well, am here today because the court sent me here, otherwise Maggie may take the kids from me, that’s my wife, that lumpen Maggie!

All: Ohhhhh, sorry….

John: Am here to let this off my chest, see it all started with global warming….

All: What…what how …..liar liar….boo..

John: Here me out fellow drunkards, and cocaine addicts, let me tell you my story!!

All: Ok…ok go ahead!

John: As I was saying, it all started with this global warming thingy. Our government stopped getting money from donors, because they had been told to reduce on their manufacturing, so they had less money at their homes, thus the credit crunch…in my wisdom, to save this country from an economic breakdown, I realised that teetotallers don’t drink alcohol, they spend their miserly incomes on a cup of coffee and some tea bags! Let’s be frank: teetotallers are a pessimistic and morbid lot. What do they care if the economy goes to hell? Their lives suck anyway, what’s one more shadow in a pit of gloom?

We drunks, on the other hand, are the very personification of optimism and hope. When the Buganda riots broke out and all shops went to hell, which businesses remained open, which group kept their wits about them and organized havens of civility and order? The bars and the drunks, that's who. Bead for Life, Zanzi and Mateos were blazing like the day was normal.

Historically, drunks have always held high the torch of hope where others fell into despair and whimpered for mercy. Sometimes it meant setting things on fire with that torch, but that was just to wake those gloomy bastards up. Yes, it is plain we must march (or stagger, if we’re really stimulated) forth and inspire the country with our natural confidence and cheer.

However, the pangs of headaches and high appetites brought upon us by the effects of dehydration have made us use up the dimes Maggie was supposed to buy the kid’s milk with, darn her and the kids, the whole bunch just cant let me be! Beer advertisers that tell us “we deserve it, after a day long’s work” and don’t tell us that it may lead to loss of Maggie and the kids, are to blame!!

All: You are in a state we call denial……..u’ll get over it if you hang in here more, and stop watching premier league, and buy African Woman more often, and move to Warid Paka Last!

John: That’s some gay shit!! Al remain Alcoholic Synonymous! Fuck that bitch Maggie, and them kids!!

Warning: Alcohol is dangerous for your health……and the kids too…..and even the wife!! Strictly for sale to persons over 18!

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Western Culture Invades Africa!!

The western culture, or can we say, the white man’s world, has caught up with us like the swine flu! Our most bored public servant, a one Nsaba Buturo, has been assuring the donors that they can keep their bu dimes if they want to, after they threatened to do so if the new bill against batty boys, aka homo chaps, is passed!

The minister of ethics, or is it for ethics, has still refused to make a statement about the state of expiring drugs at the National Medical Stores, or the many potholes that have returned to our roads just as it was in 1 BC (Before CHOGM), he has instead spent endless hours watching the Big Brother show then proclaiming “they should abolish shower hour”, oh, so he was watching too!!

This chap is wasting his time, coz the western culture caught up with us the day Shadow’s Angels became Ug’s most sought after devil worshippers (they said so). These days we do really weird shit.

The other day, I was invited for a surprise party….for a 1 year old pumpkin!! It’s possible this little bugger was still even blind, what with those Chinese eyes! (not profiling, but that’s what they look like).

This party pumpkin (names withheld, due to the sensitivity of the matter) bought Tequilla, Vodka and several cans of pints for this bash, and oh, he threw in some balloons just to legitimise the original cause.

So we were standing in the compound, eyes darting left and right, on the prawl for this guy’s wife’s young sisters that may have come for this occasion, when the pumpkin (names still withheld GODAMIT!) came out and was like, “ok guys, lets all go behind that tree, and when little Mikey comes out (shit, name not withheld, that’s the first clue about the idiot) we all jump out and scream SURPRISE!!!!

So because this chap had bought the pints, we were left no option but hide behind the tree, then we saw a little pram come out the main house, the guy putting his forefinger on his lips, signalling to us to remain still and quiet, till he reached the middle of the compound and signalled to us to jump out, well the chicks did, we disgusted chaps attempted not to embarrass ourselves and stay as macho as the way we had come in.

The kid was surprised alright, but not because it remembered it’s bday, but the noise from the bu girls was too much, shouting that stuff of “happy baffday baby, u are chooooo cute oh yech u are babay baby baby…yuk at me yuk at me...” and more crap along those lines.

Relationships these days are different, there are more divorces than wedding meetings! People no longer have fiancés but financers, where the dime ends, that’s it. Chicks of Ug (not you ballistic ones reading this stuffs) have even caught on the culture of shopping whenever they are pissed! This shit is for the movies!

Some chick said she likes this “shopping when feeling low” habit a lot, one day she saw a dress she really wanted, so she broke up with her chap, so she was driven to buy the damn dress. What happened to talking to grandma thru these issues?

Gay chaps are a minority, and like the jews, they have lots of dimes, fighting them is not advisable, however, that’s probably the only bit of western culture that shouldn’t invade Africa!!

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to the characters or scenario above is purely coincidental.

An MBA for this???

Authority makes me sick to the marrow! I never want to get an MBA or Doctorate coz that way the rest of my life shall be entrapped in bullshit I really don’t give a rat’s dirty behind about!

Reason for this rant:

Some chap told me to check on what it would take to open a forex bureau, just a ka forex bureau, but wow, what a trip to wonderland. The first thing of course was take a trip to BOU, where I was directed to the Non Banking Financial Institutions Dept, from where I was given a ki 100 page document to browse thru in my free time, then swing my ignorant self back to these offices after understanding the shit.

This document looked like that crap parliamentarians be releasing to the press, so that we think they are doing real shit;


“Office to the Clerk of Parliament: addendum to commission of security set up by Rt Hon Speaker of Parliament, by order of the Constitution Clause 3 subsection 2 b of 1978 and the 1998 act amendment as regards……blah blah blah crap crap crap….” and on and on the bullshit goes! How about simple English, punks!

Back to the forex document, the entire thingy looked like the stuff explained above, but let me break it down the way it should ACTUALLY be.

STATUTORY INSTRUMENTS SUPPLIMENT

SUPPLEMENT NO. 4


to The Uganda Gazette No. 8 Volume XCVIX dated 10th February, 2006 (No Shit!!)

Printed by UPPC, Entebbe, by Order of the Government. (Oooooh, we are really scared!!)


Cutting through the crap, here are the conditions, in no particular order, but in the ballistic interpretation;

1 – A minimum security deposit of twenty currency points, and oh, it’s non refundable, whether you get the licence or not. And by the way, in case you were wondering what a currency point is, just scroll to Schedule 1 Form B of this heavy document, like on page 83 there!!

2- Premises for an office, must be ballistic, meaning that that garage behind your house won’t do, and please don’t think about Daddy’s boys quarters.

Clause 3 Subsection 2 Part a) A Class A licence shall be issued to transfer agencies, as if Western Union.

b) Class B shall go to a forex bureau.

Clause 4 – In considering an application under subsection 2, the Bank will require the following;

i) A minimum paid up share capital of two thousand and five hundred currency points, you’ve forgotten already??? Drag yo ass back to Schedule 1 and figure out what a currency point is…BITCH!!

Subsection “whatever” of this “whatever” clause that we are sure you have already forgotten, says that if you are to apply for a Class C licence, that’s if you still remember what that is, you shall be required to meet the following criterion;

Unfortunately, we have run out of capital letters, numbers and roman numerals to use for our bullets, so we shall go with the classic dots;


· The integrity of management shall be supported by 2 referees. If we discover that you have been poking your snotty nose in places you weren’t supposed to be, consider the dimes you deposited as non-refundable in one of the very many clauses above, gone, vamoosed, swindled, disappered. Scroll back up, and confirm that clause you naughty bugger!

Too many bullets, you must be lost by now. Read the rest of the clauses later when you are feeling better. And please, don’t forget to read our Remedial measures and Administrative sanctions, and oh, the anti-money laundering stuffs, and we are not talking about washing clothes, mbu laundry, but some other financial stuffs only for literate chaps!!

Still up for that MBA?

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