Christmas Blues!!

Whoever invented the internet, and the laptop with wi-fi connectivity, bless em, and may their birthdays be re-named “the REAL Christmas”, not this other BS! (Funny, the day is so “Holy” cant get my rotten oblongata to type BS in full!)

Anyway, if it weren’t for youtube and time to post a few rumblings up in here, this would have been a day as ordinary as the last 20 christmas days or so we have peacefully enjoyed since the post election violence of the Luwero jungles. It is so cliché, that today’s happenings allover Ug are as predictable as this;

24^th Dec – Little boys from the Naguru slums shall be moving up and down carrying branches off Balsam Fir trees, the real name for the christamas trees here, which by the way serve 2 purposes, coz on the 1^st of January, residents of Arua light them up and run while dragging them on the roads such that the flying embers create “fireworks”. The Naguru boys sell each “tree” at say 3k bucks. Posers and corporate buggers that have just received Christmas bonuses in the amount of “their monthly gross salary” shall be seen over-filling the Game Stores parking lot to procure an artificial plastic Christmas tree, with decorations to match.

Midnight 24^th – Very religious chaps shall be seen trekking to Christ the King church where they shall be lining up to kiss the feet of that Jesus statue that imposes it’s presence over the believers. Others will be seen queuing at the statue of Mary, which is protected by a gate, and just holding on to the gate in a spiritual trance. The rest of us, who be going there due to “family pressure”, were saved by the genius that opened a bar at the car wash / parking lot of the church! We strongly adhere to the core principles of seventh day absenteeism.

23^rd – The rest of the chaps pile up at bus stations, although the luckier ones opt to service their cars at the nearest gas station and head to the village to remind the rural folk there what it means to live a good life. Chaps be chilling as the village folk run over themselves to impress the “summers” from the city, by fetching water and dressing in their new-ish t-shirts, so they could probably get a coin or so from these rich city folk!

25^th – D Day! One is left pondering what all the fuss was about in the first place. The city gets virtually empty, a bad day for street beggars and pineapple sellers at traffic lights, they usually stay home cursing this God fella and his son’s birthday. DVD hawkers and boda boda chaps in their wisdom, go to churches to try and earn something. The boda chaps go to transport (and kill a few believers in the process in accidents) while the DVD fellaz be hawking the story of Moses, Jesus and Ben Hur. Speakin of which, who the hell is this Ben Hur fella? Never heard o’ im in Exodus, Leviticus or any another story from the Authors of the world’s bestseller, the Holy one.

25^th – Again! Chaps be eagerly awaiting the soccer game that’s going to show. In the village, they first go to church late, but being the dime-laden characters they be, they are ALWAYS offered a bench at the front, where a poor family is usually and hastily evicted to take their broke asses to the back, or better yet just leave the church premises altogether, “I mean, how much tithe are they shoving in the basket goddamit!!” At bout 6pm or so, they head to the nearest hotel and force the manager to cut the Boney M BS (there it goes again) they have been playing for their usual customers, and switch on Supersport 3, coz Man U is on, punk!

25th – Uganda’s biggest network, if we are to actually believe their words, will show “Sound of Music”, at exactly 3.30 pm. Before that, u will be bored, ALMOST to death, by “Christmas Carols from Our Lady of Council Sister’s Choir”, where the sound of the piano will drive you to almost breaking up the TV set, but since you haven’t “hang” with the parents all year, u just cut yo losses! At 5.30 pm, they will screen “Roots”, again, for the 50^th time, and when that “tape” starts chewing on itself, they will quickly bring out the “Shaka Zulu” re-run! At 9pm, ALL the networks will air the day's news, and guess the first story........"32 babies were born on Christmas day, at Nsambya hospital, 12 babies were born, including 3 triplets and 2 twins"....3 triplets and 2 twins????

26^th – Boxing day - Who buys presents in Africa? Well, this day is supposed to be the day when chaps open up the gifts they received, but as u may or may not realise, chaps here only buy Christmas Cards!! That’s just about it! This is one free day to relax.

So anyways, there goes anatha day, with no sense whatsoever, except for all ye chaps that be working ssoooooooo extremely hard all year round, this is yo ka chance to meet up with the folks!

Time for UBC!