Well well well, it’s one of those mornings that look like a holiday, owing to all this Christmas stuff goin around, and yet you are in office, bambi, sorry!! Now since the year is coming to a crisp end, and news reaching this desk, or rather the phone next to it, is that the Venue has opened after being refurbished into a 5 star bar, so if you don’t have a loose 7 thou for just 1 pint, never mind it tastes EXACTLY the same as that Bell at Mama Toffa’s container in Kawuku, don’t drag yo broke ass there, mbu it’s happening!
July
2nd, Zain launches Zap! Big Deal! When these guys of Zain said they were bringing something new, advertising in newspapers that “something big is coming from Zain”, we thought they were sending more nude snaps of their CTO in action with intern number 2, kumbe they were just copying what MTN had done a month or so earlier, punks!
7th, MJ, King of Pop and also King of little children’s behinds, who had died in June (how the hell didn’t I see this), was lain at some stadium in the Who S of A for final prayers, before he finally goes to heaven to meet more little boy angels!
21st, lousy chap Akon, who had jammed to go to Kenya 5 times, and postponed his visit to Ug 3 times, accepted that he had a kid with a Ugandan chick, Awori something, which came as a very big relief to this Awori babe, coz she had been dying to be in the news.
On 26th, The Sinan talk show, hosted by Faridah, shocked the wits out of normal chaps when she hosted a working prostitute on her show. This prosti wasn’t playing around, and was mentioning very nasty things. She said mbu sometimes she encounters very large men (she meant their member’s) who after doing the damn thing with, she has to go look for an open clinic for treatment!! The chick, also said she got her first kid at age 13, and had 5 kids by age 19!! Well, since she has experience in the chowing area, I bet the best job for her would involve chowing, what the heck, let her stay in the damn prostitution business!
August
Olara Otunnu, that 57 year old man with no wife and kids, returned to Ug after almost 23 years. He had expected to be welcomed like Gaetano, but unfortunately no one had ever seen his bed-minton matches on live Tv, let alone him just being with a chick! He was later quoted as saying the Government planned to call him gay as a smear campaign, and have introduced the anti-gay bill so he doesn’t stand for President!
Around 26th, professional music plagiarists / thieves, Mowzey and Radio stole yet another song and beat, Bread and Butter from some broke artiste called Arafat, who claimed he didn’t have money to promote his song first! They had earlier done a similar song to some Zambian, and anatha to some Nigerian, and the beat for the Zuena song came from P-square. What a bunch!
September
For 2 days or so, we stopped watching Palestinians throwing stones at Israeli police to catch our very own Kiseka Market chaps, throwing stones (and used condoms) at riot police. Broke chaps, who really didn’t give a rat’s ass whether the Kabaka did what or what, needed some exercise to erase the bad memories of the brokeness they be lounging in. Political analysts (or just people that want to be seen and heard on radio or tv) went on all radio stations claiming to dissect the root cause of the conflict between the Kingdom and Government, forgetting the simplest of em all, CHAPS ARE BROKE BITCH!!!
10th , as a result of these punks mentioned above, some 4 radio stations had their mics un-plugged, and we are not talking of them having a show in Club Silk, sponsored by Club Beer, that’s a different un-plugged, these were switched off indefinitely, till they say those three little magic words to the Govt, “am choooo chowi!”
18th September, the GREATEST day for any male (except a certain Pastor we know) Pole dancing was introduced in Kampala. It wasn’t exactly a night to remember, as all these things we copy from white chaps are not done well. Strecth-marked chicks who had no business showing off their cellulite skin in public were the so-called entertainers, they tried out their shit from 10pm to 11pm when they gave up due to exhaustion, then the MC, with no shame, told the audience to go try it out, never mind its they who paid to watch!
Finally, this Tusker Project Fame thingy was taking place, and was oddly being watched by more people than thought. A Kenyan chap named Debarl (this has to be a stage name) was the last chap evicted by end of this month. The MC asked him to do one more song before leaving the house, which is quite like saying “Erm Debarl, since you are leaving the house, please sing for us one more song just to remind the public why they don’t like you!!!”
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