It was late 2009, and it was time for the New Year’s resolution, and the corporate chap had his list of “shit to do” by the end of 2010. One of the “shitty things to do” was “move out of the flats”, “attempt to buy a plot of land” and many other shitty things, but way high on the list was “get an MBA”. These guys graduate in numbers more than those Makerere under-grads, one of these days they may cause traffic jams too!
But when they return to office, what the heck exactly do they add to our society? I know: Words!!
MBA’s are just impractical chaps, they are not really a threat at the work place, but in case u want to know a chap with an MBA, don’t look out for the improved quality of work, listen to the bugger, and look out for following words in the conversation;
Synergy, Going forward, Learning curve, Core business, Touch base, Game plan, Value added, Benchmark, Go the extra mile, The big picture, Movers and shakers, Trailblazers, Fast track, Empowerment, Win-win situation, Think outside the box, Fast track, Proactive and reactive, At the end of the day, Terms of reference, Mindset, Feedback, Let’s un-pack this, Client – focused, Put this to bed, Knock – on effect, Process improvement, Make a business case, Skill set, Downsize, Gap analysis……..
The bu chaps on internship learn the hard way, they be like “damn, I want to be this guy”, but worry not, those are just words, as if a campaign.
Another thing MBAs “bring on board” is e-mail etiquette, so if you are an intern, prepare for some shit;
These days as u may or may not realize, an MBA must have a blackberry, that way, they can get email even when they are in the bar signing off credit, and way late in the night, helps “maximize time management and project synergies”, whatever that means, just sounds MBA-ish…there are emails called “stinkers”, these are polite ways to tell u how bullshit u are, for e.g;
If the MBA is not happy with “your team’s” work, you will not get an email saying “u bullshit punks should join PPP and know u are doing nothing…”, but u’ll see something like “I’ll be happy to sit with you and your team and share my experience and expertise”. See, that didn’t hurt, MBA’s learn shit!
MBA’s can even subtly assure their bosses, those punks still pursuing “a professional course”. They can tell the bugger he’s a complete fool without saying much, the email will just read “No point in rushing in where angels fear to tread”, only difference is they will not quote the original author, coz they don’t know much shit, just book smarts!
As an intern / temp / fake boss with “professional qualification”, do not bother replying an MBA, it’s a much sweeter rebuttal as this will piss ‘em off, they still want to show their prowess. If you mess and reply, u will get something like “..if you bothered to read the previous mail, u will note that u clearly missed ……..” so don’t do it!
At the end of the day, don’t stress yourself with these ego-tistic buggers, at least u are still on earth, no chance of u ever crushing down!! The laws of gravity always work!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Let's go green.......5 thou notes that is!!
So u have suffered, thrown your sweat around and tears after a couple of riots and u have finally made it to the pinnacle of society, and now u are a “big person”, complete with a driver and bodyguard, and now u are suddenly expected to act super human….
Stop wondering what am on, it’s the MP’s! Last week they (all 500 of ‘em, including those for disabilities) woke up to a normal politician’s day, campaign posters greeting them in their bathrooms while they brushed their teeth with local herbs from the nearest witch to help the buggers win the next elections….they then dressed up in their polyester ties ( a favorite with MPs born before 1960) and walked to the bank to see how their bus loans were doing….
“Mama mia santa maria!!!...” they all exclaimed as they saw their loans had drastically reduced to levels they had last seen while they were still honest and noble hard working citizens of the land! “How the hell did my loan reduce by 20 million??? I hope there is no computer error like Barclays did in 2008!!”
“No Sir, the government has been kind enuff to credit your account….just for for the sake of just!”
“What!!! Are u sure? But I am not NRM? Is this for the King’s bill?? Walaye am voting for it!!! Fuck principle, the only principle I care about right now is paying off the loan principle!!! It’s so on!!”
Speaking of the King’s bill, I feel sorry for these chaps (gifted to lead by nature). If that guy ever messes up and grabs a hoe to show his “subjects” how to get outta that nagging pest “poverty”, he shall be charged with “promoting a certain bullshit party, they use a hoe right?”. These guys are not supposed to use lamps in their homes, despite the massive load shedding, “u’re now supporting that other lamp-wielding bugger, get an inverter bitch!!”
The people to implement this bill have been “oiled” with 20 million, so what about??!!
Speaking about “oiling”, the other day as I was just wasting time driving around looking for proggie, being a public holiday and all, I unlash my phone to make a quick plan for goat's meat, and this was in a deserted Naguru area near Kembabazi’s joint. Seconds later, a mobile patrol pick up came racing down the road, I was pretty sure some bank was being robbed right ahead!
I slowed down and moved off the road so these “rescuers, sworn to protect and to serve the helpless” were on their way to “put out of action” these vices of society, the thugs! Instead of the punks driving straight ahead, the guys parked right in front of me, guns corked on the ready, I started thinking, “shit, maybe I robbed some stuf while I was drunk, this is it, my nightmare comes true, jail and shit…”
Out comes the lead lumpen, pistol holstered on his rugged second hand belt straight from a stall that survived the fire in the Owino market…"Ello, u know why I’ve stopped u ello….u have commited a very serious crime ello…u were talking on the telephone”
“Yeah yeah, how much is the fine?”
“It’s not that simple ello, first, u are going to drive behind me to Jinja Road, I will then hand u over to the senior traffic department officer who will charge u with this very very serious offence, then u will go to court and I shall be the one to tell the judge about this criminal activity u are engaging in, but first, give me your name so I can jot you down in this crime journal here…or, and more importantly, u can talk to me like a man!!!!”
“Phewks, maybe I give u some fine then we forget about all this….like the 20 million for MP’s”
“Sir, u are the kind of co-operative Ugandans we like to deal with ello…. Now we were going to go through a very long process ello….just give the kitu kidogo and we all forget about this!”
“Here is a new crisp green 5 thou note!”
“Thank you Sir, u know u could have caused a very nasty accident on this completely traffic-free road, talking on phone is a very serious crime, but since u have paid your fine, which i will ensure gets to the treasury ASAP, fare thee well and go multiply….sori, that’s from church, I am the choir master deya ello… go thee well and enjoy the holiday!”
“Laterz punk!!”
And that was my contribution to our country’s un-enviable corruption index, shya, as if am the only one doing it!!! Remember, It begins with you…..or is it “it stops with you!!”, whatevs, corruption rules!!
Stop wondering what am on, it’s the MP’s! Last week they (all 500 of ‘em, including those for disabilities) woke up to a normal politician’s day, campaign posters greeting them in their bathrooms while they brushed their teeth with local herbs from the nearest witch to help the buggers win the next elections….they then dressed up in their polyester ties ( a favorite with MPs born before 1960) and walked to the bank to see how their bus loans were doing….
“Mama mia santa maria!!!...” they all exclaimed as they saw their loans had drastically reduced to levels they had last seen while they were still honest and noble hard working citizens of the land! “How the hell did my loan reduce by 20 million??? I hope there is no computer error like Barclays did in 2008!!”
“No Sir, the government has been kind enuff to credit your account….just for for the sake of just!”
“What!!! Are u sure? But I am not NRM? Is this for the King’s bill?? Walaye am voting for it!!! Fuck principle, the only principle I care about right now is paying off the loan principle!!! It’s so on!!”
Speaking of the King’s bill, I feel sorry for these chaps (gifted to lead by nature). If that guy ever messes up and grabs a hoe to show his “subjects” how to get outta that nagging pest “poverty”, he shall be charged with “promoting a certain bullshit party, they use a hoe right?”. These guys are not supposed to use lamps in their homes, despite the massive load shedding, “u’re now supporting that other lamp-wielding bugger, get an inverter bitch!!”
The people to implement this bill have been “oiled” with 20 million, so what about??!!
Speaking about “oiling”, the other day as I was just wasting time driving around looking for proggie, being a public holiday and all, I unlash my phone to make a quick plan for goat's meat, and this was in a deserted Naguru area near Kembabazi’s joint. Seconds later, a mobile patrol pick up came racing down the road, I was pretty sure some bank was being robbed right ahead!
I slowed down and moved off the road so these “rescuers, sworn to protect and to serve the helpless” were on their way to “put out of action” these vices of society, the thugs! Instead of the punks driving straight ahead, the guys parked right in front of me, guns corked on the ready, I started thinking, “shit, maybe I robbed some stuf while I was drunk, this is it, my nightmare comes true, jail and shit…”
Out comes the lead lumpen, pistol holstered on his rugged second hand belt straight from a stall that survived the fire in the Owino market…"Ello, u know why I’ve stopped u ello….u have commited a very serious crime ello…u were talking on the telephone”
“Yeah yeah, how much is the fine?”
“It’s not that simple ello, first, u are going to drive behind me to Jinja Road, I will then hand u over to the senior traffic department officer who will charge u with this very very serious offence, then u will go to court and I shall be the one to tell the judge about this criminal activity u are engaging in, but first, give me your name so I can jot you down in this crime journal here…or, and more importantly, u can talk to me like a man!!!!”
“Phewks, maybe I give u some fine then we forget about all this….like the 20 million for MP’s”
“Sir, u are the kind of co-operative Ugandans we like to deal with ello…. Now we were going to go through a very long process ello….just give the kitu kidogo and we all forget about this!”
“Here is a new crisp green 5 thou note!”
“Thank you Sir, u know u could have caused a very nasty accident on this completely traffic-free road, talking on phone is a very serious crime, but since u have paid your fine, which i will ensure gets to the treasury ASAP, fare thee well and go multiply….sori, that’s from church, I am the choir master deya ello… go thee well and enjoy the holiday!”
“Laterz punk!!”
And that was my contribution to our country’s un-enviable corruption index, shya, as if am the only one doing it!!! Remember, It begins with you…..or is it “it stops with you!!”, whatevs, corruption rules!!
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