Christmas - In the eyes of a grande IDIOT!!

Christmas time is a festive time - a time for parties and presents and songs that we all love, except for Bonny M and their ♪feliz navidad♪ bullshit, which I for one got tired of in approximately 1994, and which now causes me to dislocate my forefinger stabbing the car-radio button every hour or so. Usually Capital FM starts this mess on November 25^th-ish!

In these day’s when Pastor’s (They are many), Apostles (Mitala), Prophets (Kakande) and Bishops (TD Jakes) have hijacked religion and monetarized every aspect of it (Buy my inspiration book and cd at only $25, or come for my seminar instead, $10 a seat), and some Pastors (Kayanja) even tried to emulate the Holy One, or is it Ghost, who turned water into wine, by being creative enough to smuggle it instead thru their lakeside palatial homes, the real story of Christmas is fading into obscurity, as these afore mentioned buggers will be selling Christmas message cd’s instead of reminding us what the hell exactly it is we are celebrating.

If the Anglicans were not poking their snotty noses over their Bishop’s bedroom windows to figure out which entry points they use for their relaxation with their significant others, maybe they would be preaching the real message. I happened to take a break today from meeting foreign dignitaries (Indian shopkeepers I was chatting with in Bugos) at about 11am to stroll to aristoc and pick a book to whiz the rest of the day by, knowing full well that all members of the public were at work, my my, when do people work?? There was a long queue, like the one of MP’s waiting for the 5 million bucks bribe at Mosa Courts a couple of years ago to lift the Presidential term limits.

Anywho, the Christmas message even in Africa is soooooo lost, judging by what chaps were buying at aristoc. Get this, and no offence to anyone that buys this shit, but there was a fountain that was spraying white crystals into the air, onto an artificial snowman dressed up as Father Christmas, while the Snowman was ringing a bell, and that was what chaps, many of them Africans, were queuing up to buy! No comment.

A christmas card I found at some desk had on the back, “Hallmark, manufactured using pulp from managed trees, for every tree cut down, at least one is planted!” So we shouldn’t really give a shit about the Christmas message within, but should buy because these guys are so nice they will replace your tree! Let me remind you of the original Christmas story, as we knew it!

Somewhere in Bethlehem, where today Israelis are making minced meat of Palestinians, there was a ballistic chick called Mary, she was too ballistic, even God couldn’t resist, and she hadn’t been on ANY sexual network since she was born, so God sent some flying chap, an angel called Gabriel, to tell her she would get pregnant soon, with a man-child called Jesus. Gabriel didn’t attempt to pull a ki fast one on her, coz God used to see EVERYTHING goddamit!

Without even going to Dr Ssali’s clinic, like that 57 year old of 2 months ago, Mary got preggers, as The National Enquirer would have proclaimed, had it been there. Her husband Joseph, who every chick must want by now, I mean yo virgin chick gets pregnant, by anatha dude, and u stay with her??? Howly??? Anywho, this Joze character took Mary to his ancestral home in Bethlehem so she could get to Dr Ian Clarke’s IHK for a caesarean, but it seemed God jammed this stuff, mbu it was not yet time for that technology to hit the streets, so they instead went to an inn somewhere. Mary, bless her, gave birth to a bouncing bundle of joy, and placed him in a manjor, which is a feeding thingy for sheep, it was late in the night, so Jose couldn’t rush out to get pampers and SMA gold, so they instead wrapped him in bands of cloth, and Mary did the breastfeeding thing, she knew Dr 90210 would do the implants some later day! (real blasphemy shit going on here!)

A star arose in the east, and we are not talking bout a star like R Kelly, but the shiny thingy in the sky, and appeared to three wise guys who then travelled to Jerusalem bearing gifts for this new celeb kid. The gifts they bore included Gold (probably from Kisangani) and stuff called Myrrh, which by the way is some kind of chewing gum, which means that the Uchumi Jerusalem stores were still open and anyone that bought Gold got a complimentary Eclairs to go with! Mary fed the Eclairs to the sheep!

So this kid grew up to spread the word, told it like it was, fed 2 thousand guys on 2 loaves of bread and 5 fish (without a single wedding meeting), turned water into wine at some bash (even paid the corkage), walked on water (David Blaine failed) and even brought some chap from the dead (he probably hadn’t finished clearing his banjas). Unfortunately, he was rounded up like an opposition party leader, tried for high treason (at least they didn’t add rape) and sentenced to hang on the cross with 2 low level burglers (probably iron bar hitmen)!

His followers however insist that he died for our sins, but the Romans that hang him say he was claiming to be a King of the Jews, yet he was in their territory (Kayunga!)

So while u buy cards, just know it was becoz of the brave guy whose escapades have been mentioned above.

PS: If the pearly gates of heaven are actually there, I see some chap reading to me this stuff, and kicking my ass to some plane in flames written on “Departures: Final boarding call: Destination: HELL: Return time: NEVER”