We're Rich Bitch!!

ALL this time I had NO clue we were this rich, am talking about Uganda, the pearl of dimes! It was announced early today, by none other than the richest in the pearl, the Foreign Minister, a one Sam Kuteesa, that we were joining the bandwagon of rich individuals and nations in donating money to Haiti.

Not to miss yet another opportunity to be seen on the front page of the newspapers, at whatever cost, lousy but somehow commercially ok as-if musician Bobi Swine also added his name to the list of chaps doing something for Haiti. Just like the last time when the lumpen promised Owino market traders 20 million bucks, if any fool dared buy his over-rated bunch of metal with weed leaves all over it’s dashboards, full and well knowing no one would buy it, this pumpkin has promised a concert at the end of next month, when ALL this fracas will probably be over, proceeds of which will go to Haiti victims, yes, ALL the 200,000 shillings that’ll be left over. Clown!! Well, he got the front page he badly craved, now he is on to the next circus parade.

Back to Uganda, and their lousy and rather miserly contribution. Watching CNN last week, the list of contributors was a Hollywood thingy, with Angelina “big lips” Jolie and her adopted son Brad Pitt contributing 1 million dollars, George Clooney, Matt Damon, Bill Clinton and some other characters you don’t really give a shit about also raising dimes in the region of a million dollars each, heck, even chaps through their phone networks sent dimes to Wyclef Jean, until they said he was using that same charity to organise his last few concerts, hence him coming out and crying like a little baby wanting more SMA gold, at a hastily arranged press conference.

As the millions in dollars were still racing in, and featuring on CNN and other big networks, Uganda, not wanting to miss a chance to also be counted among the “who is who” of the world, today woke up with their own BIG announcement, a donation to Haiti.

Al Jazeera, BBC and CNN Inside Africa quickly called up Emirates Airlines and booked first class tickets to send their international correspondents to hurry up and be the first to cover this event, so they could let us, the viewers, be the first to know! White chaps with television equipment were seen taking lifts up and down the Serena hotel setting up their systems, attaching mics to their ears so they would transmit the happenings LIVE goddamit!!

It was around this time that the Hon Sam Kuteesa walked into the room, with a swagger that would make Bill Gates quiver in the knees, like a servant (Ofwono Opondo) whose master (Kagu) has just walked in.

Then the announcement!

“Thank you all for coming, as u know, we have always been pan-africanists, and we shall always stand by our brothers in their hour of need…..”

Christian Amanpour’s assistant was seen frantically trying to get a hold of her boss, so they could stream this announcement live.

“Well, unlike Senegal, we shall not be calling Haitians to come live here, but through the African Union, we can always find places to accommodate those that want to leave Haiti and come to Africa. It’s with this kind heart from the people of Uganda that I announce a contrution of 100,000 US Dollars to the people of Haiti……”

“What?? Excuse me Sir, I’m Hossan Hassan from Al Jazeera, I think I heard that wrong, did u say 100 million US Dollars?”

“No, 100,000 US Dollars!”

“Sir, George Clooney, alone, contributed 1 million Us Dollars, is this your personal contribution?”

“As I said before, this is the contribution from the kind hearts of 33 million Ugandans!”

“This is some bullshit, we just spent 200,000 US Dollars to come for some announcement of 100,000 US Dollars!! Am outta here!”

What mattered was, we were on TV, international TV! When chaps were literally STARVING to death in Teso last year, all they were told was to eat mangoes and steal food from neighbours, I guess that 100,000 Dollars wouldn’t have helped much, and that Bobi Swine fellow didn’t even hastily organise a concert, what a bunch! WBS just doesn't cut it, now does it?

For God and my TV!