What would Jesus do..........at yo wedding!!

“Toot toot tooot tooot….” the phone message tone went off, it was an early Wednesday morning, and the jam was piling up outside, coz it was 7 am, just after that over-rated eclipse. A phone is the most powerful tool, coz no matter what it is you are doin, you will always want to check what the message is. Tales have been told by Bernie Mac (RIP) of his time in the midst of a chow when the chick’s phone rang, and the bitch answered it, and was like;

“hello, what am I doing,…errm, nuttin……oooohhh…. what’s up?!!”

The urgency of this message therefore dragged me out of the sticky sheets to search for this nuisance, then opened tha damn thing, and found one of those “8008” thingies;

“We have attended ALL our friends weddings, now it’s our turn to have ours; U are therefore invited for Punk X and Punkess X’s weddings meetings this Thursday at Conclave Gardens, when you reach the Fene tree on Ntinda road, branch off to the right and drive till you see an old bus, that’s the place, bring a friend, u punk!!”

Since the bugger actually helped out at some wedding you were in charge of, you drag yo ass there, then see the budget, big shit I tell ya’. Decorations, filmography, music, venue……things are damn expensive these days, even the chick that places balloons around, in the disguise of “decorations” charges 5 million bucks these days.

The bible, the closest we have to that guy God, tells tales of large weddings, heck, even our very own ancestral tales have it that weddings lasted 6 days or so, matter of fact, when a prince married a chick from another kingdom, the 2 kingdoms would join up, so Kagu’s kid should marry Kibaki’s kid and all this Migingo bullshit shall be solved, just like that.

If only Jesus was present these days, guys would be booking him like those chaps that speak at introduction functions, coz this guy would single-handedly deal with all this craze of wedding meetings.

All one would need to do was to bribe some disciple, so he would bump up yo name on the list of weddings Jesus would attend, it wouldn’t matter that security at yo wedding would be tight, all yo phones would have to remain in yo cars, and the cameras would be confiscated by Jesus’ PGB chaps at the entrance of the wedding venue, which is probably the only thing you would be paying for, 6 millis for Munyonyo.

After confirming that Jesus would attend, you would then have to buy a few drums of water, and make sure they are different, some boiled water, some distilled water, some river water and some mineral water, that way, when the guy casts his fingers in magical jestures and turns the water into wine, you shall have different flavours, sweet white wine, dry white wine, sweet red wine and dry red wine (by the way, you wont have to pay corkage for this stuff, coz it’s already in the drums).

The next step would be for you to dash down to Hot loaf and buy some loaves of bread, then send some chap to Anderita beach to fetch you a couple of fish, 2 nile perch shall do the trick, coz with these, Jesus can feed 5000 people!

Now, with the food and drinks covered, there’s the matter of the church fee. Forget that shit. In yo midst, Jesus will not only pray for yo bloody wedding, he will go ahead and heal those old chaps that have found their way to the wedding, a double blessing, heck, he may even raise some chap that died and really wanted to be at the wedding, a Lazarus of sorts.

So fellaz, if you have already accepted Jesus in yo life, hope these miracles worked for ya!