Sorry Sir...it's a security pre-caution!!

The security level has been heightened, to green, possibly from purple or magenta. At this rate, security organs (that sounds like the liver, lungs and other body organs) are going to run out of colours for the various security levels! When some Nigerian chap was caught with a bomb in his underwear (how serious could a piece of wire sharing space with pubic hair really be) the security level was heightened, even here at Bodaboda (the bar that looks like a home decoration showroom, as if Nina Interiors), bouncers were seen fondling boys testicles looking for wires in their panties, or boxers, depending on whether one was a pastor (panty-wearing fuckers) or corporatal buggers (boxer-wearing posers, how do I know, it’s the commonest gift from chicks these days, on these chap’s bdays).

When the Togolese footballers got themselves a bus ride through a hail of bullets, the security level at Iguana was increased, the Iguana bastards put 2 security men at the entrance with all sorts of gadgets to check we pint-loving chaps. And the level should have been reduced, coz why would these Togolese nuts drive into Congo? Even Kagu stopped at the border goddamit!

Going to the airport these days is such a disaster, and am not talking of the chaps that be leaving, am talking of the chaps picking up people. It used to be that when one was leaving, he would go through about 3 different checks, and the most one would do in the name of being checked was to remove a belt, meanwhile if you were just dropping someone, you would just walk downstairs and chill at the Crane cafeteria, no checks. Unfortunately we are now living in a global village, also known as United States. When the US bastards increase their security bullshit colours, we are quick to copy and paste. These days dropping someone off at Ebbs is crappy. The entrance to the terminal has a super sensitive machine, even a metallic button makes noise, so avoid wearing jeans, coz these bastards will think it’s a wire in the boxer, kumbe it’s just yo button.

Avoid having stinky feet, coz these days the shoes have to go off, kama what or what! If you are the bling bling kinda fella, a super retarded little midget that thinks Lil Wayne is a cool cat, yo gonna be in for the roughest ride of yo life, coz all that fake shinny shit on yo wrists, plus the large clock with a spinner hanging on your neck will have to get off, you’ll just be talking nonsense mbu “dawg dawg, y’all peeps need to chill me y’all, calm the fuck down man, this is how I roll dawg, I aint gonna blow shit up y’all, that steeze is for punk ass mo fos!!”

Just here 2 days back, an Air Uganda flight was re-called while en-route to Juba, apparently this was after a warning from US security agents. What’s with these guys, now they are tired of scaring their own people they have jumped on our shit! Am sure the shareholders of Air Uganda are still cursing these US buggers for making them waste fuel.

Some chap was saying we should stop using colours to grade security levels, coz colours don’t scare shit outta anyone, they should rank the threat by STD’s. So if a Nigerian punk, having failed to get dimes through your email, decides he wants to meet 78 virgins in heaven after blowing yo asses to smithereens gets caught with funny looking wires in his pants, and they are not earphones for his i-pod, the security level should be heightened to gonhorea, that way chaps will be like “ok, he may have a bomb, but we’ll survive at least”. Then if the threat is like the real deal, where the suicidal guys have even sent the dimes they received to their family, and now the family has bought an escalade to pose mbu now they are rich, then the threat should be put at full blown AIDS. Now that will scare the crap outta guys. They will be seen repenting for having been an active member of a sexual network, with nuns!

Alternatively, they should stop giving that horny royal bastard Mswati any more virgins. That bastard doesn’t need them, suicide bombers do! Apparently the promise of 78 or so virgins when they get to heaven after blowing themselves up, in a crowded place, where at least 1 american is present, is what gives them the nuts to do this shit. So if they could be persuaded to go and start new lives in Swaziland, they wouldn’t have to do this shit, that way we can walk in and out of bars, airports, buildings in town, without ever exposing our smelly socks!