The Uganda Martyrs.......the story!!

It’s a pubic…….public holiday today, and all ye corporate chaps are only TOO happy to be away from that ever nagging punk, the boss, what with all his bullshit targets and “inspirational” talks, well of course unless you are the boss, sorry for portraying you thus!

What we corporatal chaps do is look at the calendar of 2010 in December 2009, and start counting the days we shall be off, and wait impatiently to have that day off, I mean who cares what the damn day is all about? What we do care however, is that it falls on a Wednesday night and Iguana is “off the chain” on Wednesday nights!

Anyway, today is martyrs’ day. A day when 22 or so little disobedient punks had their souls sent to the very God they had been praising, sooner than He had probably wanted, for they were burnt up like goat ribs at a stand outside the Kyadondo rugby grounds before He had officially “called” them! Now, since u are just blasting for having a day off, I take the liberty to tell u exactly why u should know about the people that have given you this chance to be away from the office monster!

It all began in around 1877, now that’s a freakin long time ago! Some chaps known as protestants, these were guys “protesting” the Catholic beliefs, mbu u cant get a chow as a priest?? They said “fuck that shit, we want to marry chicks from our congregations, we protest this bullshit, so we shall start a similar religion, with the same bible, heck, we shall even have the same kumbaya hymns in church, but as for us, a chow is a chow, we are getting married bitches!!”.

Anywho, the protestants fell in Ug in about 1877, and found a king, named Mutesa 1, a real political strategist, forget Kagu and his stuff! They gave him a some mirrors and shoe polish, and he was like “god damn!! U guys are genius…I can now chi my che yef…u are welcome, do what u gotta do!”

In 1879, the catholic white fathers also fell in, calling themselves missionaries (no relation with the missionary position…..or is there???) led by a one Father Simeon Lourdel, no wonder the SMACK chaps were generous enuff to give him an entire dormitory block, while the rest were named after our local martyrs, like Kiwanuka house. Around the same time though, the Muslim guys also fell in, oba Ibn batuta if I recall. Mutesa played these chaps around like Bukenya and the mafia……”they took photos of my paw paws……...i swear I never said that!”, and this was for political gain. You just have to wonder why a king had to haha like this for political gain, its not like there were elections or donor money or silly opposition chaps in IPC!

Anywho, the locals were too excited with all this Jesus kabozi and the Bible, they were hooked to it like chicks to “La Tormenta”, discussing the varying emotions of this bible thingy like boda boda chaps around a Bukedde newspaper! Mutesa got pissed off with this new God guy, and kicked the white missionaries out of the country ……….for 3 years….u thought Amin was the first?? But this didn’t help matters, chaps got even more into the Jesus thing after the expulsions, that the white buggers had to be invited back!

The “teachings” of these white buggers really got into these locals, can u imagine they even renounced polygamy?? Jacob Zuma would be fuming if he were reading this, matter of fact, he would burn down the Namugongo shrine again! Refusing to marry 7 chicks?? Who the hell are these lumpens??

One of the most active converts, a one Joseph Mukasa, named after the chap that chowed Mary, after the Holy Spirit Him-u-selef had done tha damn thing and got her tummy bulging with the Christ, served as the King’s personal attendant, as if Amelia Kyambadde, you gots business with the King, go thru him first! He brought “faith” to many of the bu boys that used to serve the King, “pages” they called ‘em. Mutesa died around this time, and his son, Mwanga took over as new king.

The new King’s advisors, and these were not like our “advisor on economic policy”, “advisor on youth” and the hundreds of others we have, but these were like 5 or so trusted chaps. They told the king that this Joseph character was promoting another king, some chap called God, instead of his own local one. Mwanga, pissed off like an opposition politician, sentenced this chap to death. There were no bullets, so they slashed him with an axe, washed it and returned it to the chap that slaughters goats for the neighbourhood!! This was to be an example to the rest.

The “pages” got even more big headed. It is alleged that the king used to chow their bu small behinds, like Catholic priests in Ireland and Boston. So they made vows not to let the big man touch them again, “mbu it was un-christian”. That allegation is actually from this very story I am copying from, but you might have thought I knew my history shit, kumbe am just adding on things. This Joseph guy had told the boys to reject giving sexual favours to the king!! Now av totally hahad! It used to be said that these martyrs were burnt coz they were gay and were spreading this gay bullshit, to the annoyance of the King, who put their asses to sleep via a huge bon fire, and now that they mention it, in a history book thingy, I am beginning to believe this theory, however, that’s a different story, lets stick to the copying and pasting, shall we!

Anywho, Charles Lwanga took over the now deceased Joseph’s jobo, as if Goodluck Jonathan. However, he also took his faith a little too seriously. A pissed off Mwanga gathered this group of un-repentant and un-apologetic little punks and asked them to choose, “either with us, or against us, bitches!!”, they chose against!

There was no time for a parliamentary probe and that appeals bullshit, the sentence was done, and these guys were to be killed off like their “La Tormenta Bible” hero Jesus! They were too happy, talkin shit “we forgive u with all our hearts”….”we go in peace, u shall be judged by sijui the lord”…..”where we are going is a much better place, there are 60 virgins waiting for us” but this was to no avail. The last stamenet is still used by “martyrs” everywhere today, but kweli, who the hell wants a virgin?? Let alone, 60?? (Apart from Mswati!)

They were tied with ropes and led to Namugongo like cows heading to the Old Portbell abattoir. They were then wrapped around in dry papyrus reeds like fried eggs in a rolex, and burnt like illegally captured ivory, elephant horns that is!

So, what lessons do we all learn from this???

NEVER FUCK AROUND WITH A HUMAN GOD!!!!

Jesus tried it, we all know what happened. There can only be one King at a time!!

(at least that’s what I learnt)