Do you pay yo taxes?? Well i try....atleast!!

I've just been registering for a TIN, e-tax style. U see, as a professional lounger with a licence to chill, sometimes we need to make a dime, I mean the utility bills wont magically stop looking for me like a search warrant from a Grade 2 magistrate’s court!

Hence the need to be “tax compliant” in order to hammer a couple of deals here and there.

The process is quite interesting, you use the computer to get your details to URA, that way at least you can lie to a computer without it noticing the body language and investigating further.

Did I say lying, sori, I meant “clarifying”.

The first step is to tell the damn thing yo name, the Sir name and the other one, first name, that one from the white people in the bible thingy.

Then , she asks you for the amount of money you earn, yearly income. Its at this point that a pop up window appears saying “SERIOUSLY!!!! FOR REAL!!!!JUST THAT??!!” and you be like “Fuck off, it’s for true god damn it!”.

She then proceeds to gather information pertaining to your expenses, and after typing in this stuff, she asks, “will you please remove amounts relating to alcohol and tobacco, these cannot be reduced from taxes liable…….” Then I be asking, if a car takes fuel and it is an expense, in the same vein, the body takes fuel / alcohol to keep in shape”, “bullshit” she replies, “take it off”.

She then asks me if I had any other sources of income. I inquired if sending emails purpoting to be Sani Abacha’s son asking if I can send money through your account as a source of income…she refused to reply, “idiot alert” the pop up said!

It is at this point that I scattered to the FAQ’s page to figure out what to deduct and avoid giving my dimes to the hyenas at KCC’s road maintenance division, and here they are:

If cockroaches ate your socks, you are allowed a claim of not more that 60% of the amount the socks were worth, within the financial year of income being declared.

You may not deduct condoms and birth control pills, for you are depriving us of future sources of income, you selfish abortionist bitch!!

You may deduct wages for the shamba boy, gate chap and that broke chick that mops the house and irons the clothes, God knows how they need that ka dime.

If your household property, particularly chairs and wardrobe furniture was destroyed by a pride of rodents probably from the neighbor’s house because yo broke self has no food (hence the feast on the wood), you are liable to pay this amount, coz you are an irresponsible punk that failed to buy rat poison, this is a punishment (and a present to the government)

In case your expenses are more than your income, make sure your name is Bebe Cool or Micheal Ezra, coz we sure aren’t taking your shit! URA giveth, URA taketh away!

And that’s how I became “tax compliant”.