The extremes of personal hygiene!!

I was watching an old Kevin Spacey movie, K-PAX, where he claimed he had fallen in from another planet. He was immediately hauled off to a “Psychiatric facility”. He asked “you think am mad?”, and Doc was like “no no no, we don’t use that word anymore, we say “ill”. Talk about political correctness! A woman isn’t fat, she is big-boned! But that’s for another day.

In this “illness facility”, there was a guy that felt that “everyone stinks”, so he just couldn’t live in the outside world. This got me thinking, it’s very easy to get this disease, coz here’s the list of the stinkest persons that live around us!

Taxi conductors: These goons emit a stench that would put a conglomerate of rotten eggs and sulphuric acid to shame! The saddest bit of all this is that u have to get into physical contact with these skunks as they slide over that door and let you squeeze your way under their rotting arm pits to your dusty seat. The first whiff of air you breathe in that has been in contact with the surrounding areas of the arm pit is strong enough to knock your lungs into an asthmatic attack, never mind you had never gotten asthma before.

House girls: Looks like these wenches from the village spend entire hours plotting how to kidnap the boss’s kids, and forget to hit the showers. These very useful persons reek of a stench that beats that from a sewer truck that is emptying the sewage tank in the backyard! When they mop the corridor, the area stays smelly of arm pit for almost 25 minutes, u be calling that chick that is coming home begging her to wait abit, so she doesn’t think you smell like a security guard that has just returned from night duty!

Bar Waitresses: Like their cousins the house girls, these chicks seem to work all night and drop dead on their beds as soon as they reach their cribs, then they wake up at exactly 4.30 pm, splash water on their faces and hit the streets coz reporting time for work is 4.45pm. These chicks serve you pints and leave a trail of that smell of a familiar emission of fermented arm pit sweat! Only a cold pint can treat this disease.

Pump attendants: With all the money they make after cheating customers, one would expect these thieves to at least be decent in public, but no. On top of being smelly, they also add a twist to the stench, a deadly combo of sweat, fuel and used engine oil! Luckily, their girlfriends are waitresses, so no one complains!

On the contrary, there are persons that are too clean! Pastor Sematimba is the best example. This guy even calls the chaps at Johnson’s Powder and gives their R & D teams tips on what their next best seller should be;

“chi kati chi kati, this is Se Se Se ma-timba on the mic….sorry, on the phone. Is this Johnson’s powder company….man y’all dudes need to sort me out. Is there a powder that I can use while am showering? What y’all cats need to do, is come up with this powder that is also soap, u see, am addicted to cleanliness, I should be diagnosed “ill” y’all”

I don’t know if its nice, but guys that use strong perfumes piss me the hell off, and most of them are…..corporates. They be going for training in Dubai and buy a shelf of perfumes and give some of us sinutic characters sleepless days….and nights when we are at bars. A simple deodorant will do!

End of today’s sermon on “world cleanliness day”.