Letter to the president from an MD!
Hello Mr Prez,
I don’t know if u really rememba me! I have been the MD of GLLP, a ki-ballistic organisation that takes dimes from all unsuspecting members of the working class, by charging tithe on their monthly incomes, 15%, to be exact, then they can access it when they reach 55 years of age, neva mind the average death age is 45!
U may be wondering how we keep ALL this left over money for the chaps that die at 45 and don’t collect! WE INVEST!! Part of our investments include wetlands, public schools, a hospital, squatters on the land and a few other bright investments, which rise up before their walls collapse!
Now I recently got a problem, with some of yo-wa buddies, MOFPED, and some other private investor! Now this private chap, who has no bodyguards whatsoever, has never had a public office, not even LC1, exerted on me untold political pressure! The chap showed me a map of your house! Do u know how this scared me?? He told me Diana uses the third bedroom to the left of the corridor, Natasha used to use the one adjacent to the guest house while Muhoozi always slept in a tent outside! Sir, this REALLY scared me!
Can u imagine sir, he even showed me his phone book, and your name, His Excellency, was there?? The mobile number, landline and even the warid line you use to Bang KB for Free after loading any amount of money the day before! Sir, he even started living in my office, he moved in with his KO mosquito net, which he set up on my office couch, sir!
Sir, I was so scared, I had to do what he wanted, just send to him the 11 billion shillings we had saved from all the chaps that couldn’t make it to 55, not with all these accidents caused by the poor roads that were not fixed, probably as a direct result of these guys wanting us to accumulate this 11 billion!
Sir, the MOFPED, aka Minister of Finance, Planning and Economic Development met me at the Warid launch, he was with his wife, and he called me aside, he told her to leave us alone so as to discuss some important shit, sorry,… issues sir! He told me that he wanted to buy a bank! I said “woololo”, that is impossible, I pigaad the nduulu, but nobody heard! This sir, was political influence, and taking worker’s money for personal gain! Anyway, I just allowed, and passed the bill to the investment team!
Actually daddy, even when I was in the board meeting, he called me and I told him I would report on him to you! He said mbu, I had to buy shares in his bank! The people I was sitting with on the board, even them they go to church with MOFPED, that means, they shared the money!
Me I was only left me alone, daddy, please help!! They are going to sack me!!
Ugandan hospitality
U ever gone to Naalya or rise n shine for pork? Of course u have, sori I asked! Now as soon as u park outside, 4 chaps come running to u, as if u were in that “wavah water” ad, and all the villagers are so happy to see u, back from the UK, and they be like “what did u bring us?”, and the chap unleashes a mineral water bottle which excites the villagers to unexplainable proportions!! The point probably being; “when leaving heathrow airport, please pass by that duty free shop and buy lots of wavah water, if u can EVER find it!”
So these Naalya pork chaps accost u with silly stuff like “blazza, blazza, I has the good pork” then the chick is being told “sister, mummy, sister, give me yo order”. In yo mind yo like, “can u wait till we get out of the car first?? PUNKS!!!!”
This same treatment will be meted out to u if u unfortunately use buses, at the bus park. Chaps will literally lift your lugguage, to 3 different buses, assuming u have 3 different bags!
The circus goes on to your house, when u hire that maid and she keeps calling you “uncle!” The last time we males associated with that word was when used to drive by Speke Road, not that we were there by choice, but by chance, and the silly ladies of vice, aka flesh peddlers, aka female ATM cards, she uses her “pin code” and gets money out of u! Anywho, as we be driving past, they start blowing gross kisses, and shout out “Daddy, uncle, am so hot for u, remove me from here, am worsening global warming!!” U be like “damn, u chicks are bright, if I do this, al call it a fundraiser, am raising tuition for yo kids!!”
Now here u are, and the maid is calling u “uncle”! Dirty stuffs! No wonder chicks don’t trust them!
A predictable rap rhyme
Whoever invented rap, told the chaps to simply abuse each other, and they will make a dime. If I were a rapper, this would be my first rhyme;
Please don’t hate,
Congratulate,
Am the best at this game,
Al put u to shame,
But u, I don’t blame,
Caz yo lyrics are so lame,
Al obliterate yo name,
And I rise to fame,
And fans will scream my name,
Coz rap will neva be the same,
When even your dame,
Decides to use my name,
For am on a flame…
WORD!!!!
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