Kids, judge a book by its kover

KIDS!!!

Am sure Lucifer, a.k.a satan, aka lord of the underground was a kid when God, aka the almighty one kicked his ass outta heaven, to the much more uncomfortable confines of firewalls, no, not the computer ones, the ones of hell!

Research has been trying to figure out why humans love their kids, despite all the bullshit we have to put up with. For example when they are just born and look like a cross of a Chinese and that other slimy character from Lord of the rings named Gollum, we lie to them that they are so pretty! Why?? I hav no clue!

The next sequence of events that occur in the relationship between the slimy bugger and the parents, is a nauseating experience that any first time parent will wish had never happened in the first place, coz the alarm clock will be discarded, replaced by the constant and unwarranted wailing at ANY given time of the night, by Gollum look-alike in its baby cot! Waking up at 1am, 2am and 2.30am become a part of your lives, just because “kiddie wants milk!”.

1 year later, after getting accustomed to the aforesaid punishment, little kiddie now starts to attempt to talk, and trust the mothers to learn the language so fast. The mums be like “a bujujujuuju swetetetettttt bujujujujuuuju”. We onlookers be like “what the hell is she saying?”. U can imagine the minister of state for defence is in her house playing with this little toddler, saying incoherent things like “baby bay baby u are choo cute, oh yecchhhh, u are cho cuute yech u are yech u are!!”. Then her assistant walks in with orders for more missiles, and she has to switch the language immediately to “look, we shall use the bazookas, armoured tanks and machine guns to corner them at winy kibul, then flush them out!” We onlookers be like “how do u do that? U are bi lingual?”

5 years later, the little bugger, now the life size of Gollum, attempts to start speaking, and says funny stuff, like “daddy, yuk, yuk, I did chuchu on my che-yef!!” “mommy, am sasitifaid, no more miyik”. We can put up with that at least!

8 years later, and the little buggers start lying, like our hard chap Richard Pryor put it, see he walked in the room and found the kid, and he was like
“who broke that glass?”
“huh?”
“Say, who broke that glass?”
“OK”
“So u broke ut?”
“OK, ama tell ya, u know wat happened?”
“(why would I ask?)”
“See first, I wasn’t even in here, first I was in the kitchen. Then….then, when I was in the kitchen, u know wat happened? U don know wat happened????? OK, ama tel ya! I came runnin in here, I wasn’t really runnin, rememba wen u told me not to run, when am in the house, uh ha? So I wasn’t really running, but my legs was moving so fast, looked like I was running, but I wasn’t really runnin runnin! Then when I came in here, that glass, it was already broke!! So I pushed the door, then abvkdfsgdsgfwejwe, then fell, then broken broken broken!! That’s wat happened!”

13 years later, they are pushing toys that use batteries, the stronger the battery, the better the toy, and the greater the respect in the neighbourhood! Bak in our day when we used to manually push our toys, the strongest toy belonged to that chap with the hoarsest voice, his toy was “too hard”.

But nonetheless, we were all like that once, IMPOSSIBLE to imagine!


2 - Judge a book by its cover!

We have been told countless times neva to judge a book by its cover. This elementary saying cuts across borders, and does not confine its meaning to just books, but goes on to people, movies just name it, but we are here to muse over certain “books”, in case we were to judge them by the cover.

1- Nakudata;
This is a popular song, whose title is not in contention, but the saying in the song that goes “aboogedde boogede bingi baagala tu chow-agane”. Literally, this means that haters want us to do the damn thang, translated directly, that is!

2- Memoirs of a geisha;
This was as if a hit movie, judging from the publicity it generated. But we were still puzzled why Ugandans didn’t receive it well, like “the last king of Scotland”, but probably its because Geisha is soap, with that slogan of “lasts for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever….” (crappy u think? Me too!). So its to our belief that no ugandan wanted to watch the life of some garbage piece of soap, we had already found nemo, and were not going back to the ocean to look for soap!

3- Dick Kasolo;
This can neva be a coincidence, how do u get 2 names, from 2 TOTALLY different dialects, founded in different civilisations, but both your names refer to the male genitalia! We know 2 chaps with this combo name, but that’s not coincidence, its destiny! Just know u are a dick!

4- 7 habits of highly effective people;
Unfortunately, some people bought this book to get help on how to effectively solve certain issues, like 1-“how to borrow money and get away without paying it” 2- “how to sleep with that girl in accounts, and u don’t call her the next day” 3- “how to not marry the girl from accounts” 4- “how to kill the guys who make beer adverts and say there are no hangovers” 5- “how to shoot bank sales executives who only tell u only 2 of the banks 21 charges” 6- “how to kill yo boss, and let everyone find out” 7 – “how to make the ATM machine fall in love with yo ATM card”
Instead, the damn book was telling us totally different garbage!

5- Who stole my cheese;
Apparently, this damn book is about business crap! We thought it was about this brilliant mouse that keeps stealing this guy’s cheese, and he was tryin to figure out who the hell this mouse was?

In a nut shell, judge the damn book by its cover, otherwise u’ll buy the wrong stuff!