Loose Bar Talk!

The muslim community in Uganda has split into 2 factions over the court ruling dismissing charges against it’s leader. However, it’s scary to even start with muslims, cause they can issue a fatwa on your ass! We’ll wake up to a crocs classified ad “1 million dollars for the head of that infidel bastard!” Al be like “Say, I am that infidel bastard!!” And that’s when I may decide to hand my own head over, but first ask for a deposit of half the money, to be deposited at a garbage dump, which dimes I would use to make a great escape!

So now that we cant discuss the mufti’s stuffs, we shall turn our attention to bars! I be practically sitting at the bar like every evening, so I get to see all sorts of crappy chaps. Guys walk in with suits, and start chatting up the bar tenders, with crap like “see, my container has delayed at the port, can u believe I spent the whole day at URA?” The bar chick just bees like “Uhhhmm, a container like a bucket?”

Now when these guys get on the phone don’t be confused if u take them for lawyers, coz they be mouthing off stuff like “Er, I just passed the bar, and am now on the other side, am on the bench”

The most un-forgivable Ugandans at bars are chaps that start giving u the most un necessary crap, u be ordering for a pint and the chap goes;

“Man, in Europe, they serve pints in very large glasses, like a bucket, when are u guys bringing that stuff here?”

Then u mess up and talk about the bad bus ride u had to Kabale, coz the roads are pathetic, then he goes;

“Man, I hahad last week on the plane, there was this chick that kept dozing off and leaning on my shoulder, the whole 8 hour flight to Dubai. It was one of my worst. Next time am never using emirates!”

Then by mistake u ask if he will be there for that former class mate’s wedding meeting;

“Man, I may be meeting some clients in Holland, then proceed to New Zealand and probably make a stop in Sydney. Man I want to leave my job, these guys over stress me with these trips!!”

It’s at this point like u feel to go and hang with that savedee chap, coz u won’t have to feed off some zombie’s ego, but instead u will get a shock of yo life, coz Jesus’ ego will supersede this Sydney pumkin’s! U be like;

“Man aren’t u thirsty, don’t u want a soda?”

“Yes I am, but thirsty for Jesus!!!”

“Don’t u think it’ll be easier to use a mouse with that laptop of yours?”

“Dude, a mouse has a curser!!!”

“Alright punk, look, u seem to be this Jesus guy hi mu-selef, now I have bought this water here coz I have no dimes, u either turn it to wine now, or am going to call for u that guy seated at the bar? Wanna hear some outside cow-ntries stories??

He obviously fails the “kabozi” test, so I finally move on to the far corner of the bar, where by bad luck, a politician walks in. He is in the NRM, he is also a “rebel MP”. So I ask him how the retreat went, ya, that one to save those NSSF ministers. So he says that after a stern warning from their chairman, who doubles as the Prez of UG, they were asked to vote on the matter, not by secret ballot, but by hand clap! So the speaker of parliament gets up to start the vote, and goes;

“If yo happy and u know it clap yo hands……………………….pa pa pow!”

“If yo happy that they aren’t guilty clap yo hands……………….pa pa pow!”

“If yo happy and u know, that u’ll really let them go, if yo happy and u know it clap yo hands………………………………..PA PA POW!!!!!!”

Mr Chairman, the Ayes have it!! They are now absolved!!!!!

It is at this point, that I went home!