Little Rascals!!

Its always easy to know when the little rascals are back for the holidays……….No no, sori, let me introduce the story again!!

Its always easy to know when the little buggers, the simple bastards, the cheap pumpkin heads are back for the holidays! First, there’s that un-ending traffic jam, then the whole town gets full of empty biscuit boxes and sweet covers, éclairs to be exact! This we usually tolerate, but our boiling points reach peak levels when the little nappy heads invade our bars; rugby club, Al Zawadi and Fat Boyz become scenes similar to a Lil Wayne video!

The little idiots always move in gangs, as if to scare the bar men to give in and offer 80% discounts on their favourite 80% alcohol-content liquor! They then proceed to the parking lots, or the middle of the road, in case the bar in question is Al Zawadi, from where they proceed to unleash a torrent of abuses to any chap who dares drive through the road!

The simple bastards then give themselves permission to break the empty bottles of the liquor they have been drinking, on any unlucky piece of metal, that could have previously gone by the name Mercedes, BMW or Toyota Corolla!

They yell out garbage like “lets go to Silo”, then all 20 of them squeeze into this tiny car, which usually has a message stuck on the rear of the seat belt “licensed to carry 4 passengers”, but not these lumpens, they somehow make miracles of the 20 thousand shillings they all have amongst them! How they get into Silk???? Still baffles the average corporate employee!

An average kid will buy 1 rwenzori mineral water, which he will cling on to, like his entire life depended on it, for an average of 4 hours, or just until he gets a break when u, yes u the rich one, decides to take a pee break, and then the rascal swoops in for the kill, that bit of the beer which u hadn’t poured into your glass yet, and scoop it off the table with the precision and speed that falcons and eagles use to catch their prey! His claws will cling onto his prize and his face will beam with a smile of a hyena that snatched a buffalo hoof from that lone lioness!! This scene was sooooo nice, it had to be explained in symbolism!! So now we can call them hyenas, vultures, wild animals!! They should be filmed for Nat Geo Wild, and screened on a Sunday afternoon with the rest of the planet’s deadliest animals, for that’s what they are!

A typical day’s life of the vulture goes thus;
4pm: “Dawg, waaaddduuuuppppp!!!!! Man I gots some cheddar from pops, av hollad the rest of the cats to meet at Fatty’s!! (Am sori people, that’s Fat Boz!) But I haven’t clack that dwanzie Timo, mbu his digs is far, and he doesn’t have the tash for Fatty’s!! (Interpretation again – I don’t understand that dude Tomi, he says his home is far and he doesn’t have the right gear for Fat Boyz! ((don’t ask how I know, yes, me the old chap in this story!!))”

6pm at Fatty’s: “Yo dawg, do u see that chap at the counter with a full pint, that’s my target, am getting me a Bell!!! What’s yours?? Dawg, today am in the mood for punch, al take the chick to his left!! In the meantime, lets be hugging onto this mineral water, or they’ll kick us out of here!!”

Fellaz, if u ever lost a pint while on a wee wee break, it’s the HOLIDAYS bi-a-acth!!

It is my proposal however that we call in that chap who sacrificed a kid for his building in town, we can HAPPILY offer him these pumpkins, he said he wants them between 15 and 21, PERFECT!!!

Just the other day, I happened to be part of the Legal aid team helping poor criminals that cant afford legal fees, and no, I wasn’t the lawyer in question, I had actually returned the lawyer’s car that I had earlier borrowed, and waited for him inside the court, so somehow, a little lumpen, a BUDONIAN I must add, had been caught drink driving and had been brought to court!

Here’s how it went;

Little Lumpen: Yo judge dawg, me and my cats from England were at ……….

Legal Aid Chap: England?

Lumpen: Its our house, ddduuuuuhhhhh!!!

Legal Aid Chap: U live in England?

Lumpen: No fool, that’s our house, um, its in Buddo!! How can’t u know it? EVERYONE knows Buddo!! So anyways, I was with my cats hollering at the squeezes whoof whoof!! We were blazing on free swallow at fattys when all of a sudden……

Judge: Get this crazy young fool outta my chambers!! I sentence him to 3 weeks garbage cleaning at the Mulago roundabout!!

Legal Aid Chap: Um Judge, we the Al Zawadi fraternity would like to extend this ruling to about 2000 others of his kind. Please pass this ruling unto them too, and u shall be indicted into the Bar Men’s Hall of Fame!

Judge: Granted!!

Oh how we wish!!