The credit crunch is nothing like Nestle Coco Crunch, not sweet. This blog, that used to be updated on a daily, has been hit by the global economic crisis, with internet cafes upping rates and all were happy when a 700 billion dollar bailout was announced by the US senate, we thought it would trickle down here but wapi! Germany announced a bailout for its banking industry, Japan for its car industry, and Uganda announced a massive bailout for its Ministers of Security and Finance from the jaws of the censure industry!
What Ugandans wanted was the bailout of the country’s roads, or former roads, but the line minister was like “fuck it, they’ll get used to it!”
You never realise how bad a ride is in Kampala till u take a taxi! It all begins as u stand by the “stage”, which is a spot by the road where a minibus can manoeuvre a way to get slightly off the road, allowing the cars behind to come to a screeching halt and dodge the backside of the taxi that stops without warning!
The conductor opens the door and there’s only one spot left, the front row, where he lets u sit then proceeds to move u over so u share the little seat by the sliding door! He then says “we sikeemu awo”, “push yo-wa selef over”, “Extend”! Now u are squeezed up on the seat, then by some bad luck, the chap behind u wants to pass over some money to the conductor, so the conductor raises out his arm to fetch the dimes, and emits the WORST smell EVER!!! These guy’s armpits have a smell so foul they make sulphuric acid blush! Chemistry lab assistants would be so pissed to learn that there’s actually something worse to torture students with, that they haven’t yet concocted! Wonder why conductors never get malaria? Coz mosquitoes die on impact! Autopsies by Dr Anopheles Mosquito show they were poisoned by nerve gas, produced by a human! It’s the natural DDT!
If businessmen would find a way to can this smell, they would make a dime! We would walk into supermarkets and be like “shop sales lady, do u have a can of conductor’s arm pit?” “Am sori, we run out”. That’s when u reluctantly be like “Ok, al just take Doom, or Farco rapid kill!”. Speaking of which, am wondering what blokes came up with a name like Farco for a repellent! U go to a supermarket and be like; “Can I have 1 fuck-o please” “What size do u want, we have medium and large, what are u, see we really like u guys who take the message seriously and don’t spread around disease” “Slow yo horses there cowgirl, I want a bloody spray, FARCO”
Where was I before this mosquito stuff, ahh, the foul smelling chap! U know, according to Dr Mohinder Suresh, ya, that guy in “heroes”, conductors have superpowers, they emit this odor to make people pay more than they should, therefore mis using their powers, he is still working on a cure, which shall be discovered when the series is eventually cancelled, I mean u don’t expect the guy to give us the solution! We may stop watching Heroes and reluctantly watch Big Brother, the silent killer!
Before long in the taxi, some chap says “maaso awo”, “eyes there”, “stop me there”, and everyone has to get out to give him way, then we assemble ourselves back in the minibus before anatha crappy “eyes there” just 2 minutes later! U get fed up of the nonsense and decide to walk the rest of the way, so u hand the DDT emiting chap a ka 5 thou, he gives u back less money, u protest, he raises his arm, which disorients u and sends u in a dizzy spell, u then say to him “Look, if thought u could just play around with me like all those other chaps u cheat……..u were RIGHT!! Am off to the bank to get a car loan!”
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