Lent!!

When the white man came into Africa, in the dark days known as colonialism, he first came using a disguise of being a missionary, spreading the word, till we were distracted enough to let ‘em be our supreme rulers. They distracted us with an amazing story of some chap that had an entourage of 12 men, following him like he was “50 cent” and they was “the G Unit crew”. He however was a jew guy, and said he was their king, and made a triumphant entry to Jerusalem one time, as if Besigye or Gaetano from South Africa back to Ebbs, a day still known as palm Sunday, not Besigye’s, but the King of the Jews’.

This triumphant entry shit kinda got to his head, and he decided to tour Rome as well, to convince the Romans, led by a one Pontius Pilate (the NRM candidate), that he was the true leader, and he wasn’t going to accept a power sharing agreement where he would end up as “the official leader of the opposition”, he said he was King of the jews godamit, no more no less.

In a bid to hold onto power, this Pilate chap didn’t even bother to call parliament to amend the constitution, he ordered for the immediate arrest of this Jesus guy, and tortured him like a chap who had failed to account for CHOGM dimes yet no guests had stayed at his hotel, and ordered him to carry a huge cross across town, like a Kikuubo porter ferrying a sack of slippers to a waiting truck going to the Congo area!

After mugging this cross thing all the way up the hill (this guy had all gifts, including mugging stuff up a hill, even Jack and Jill came tumbling down the damn thing), he was nailed to it like a staff memo on the company notice board, crowned “king of the jews” with a bunch of thorns for a crown and left to bleed to death. It is believed that all this stuff was on a Friday. However, on Saturday, he kinda woke up, and started laying strategies of how he was going to make a quick escape from his tomb, just like Besigye did on his way to SA. On Sunday, the plan worked, catching the CMI Roman guards that were assigned to his tomb unawares, and showing the serious cracks in the intelligence organisation of the Romans, their boss was probably sacked, and sent to the USA as a military attaché, as if Leo Kyanda!

These series of events have since been followed adequately by we the chaps that were confused by the missionaries afore mentioned, and we take this weekend very seriously, coz it’s the only 4 day break we shall ever get from those ever nagging bosses, of course except for the times we shall have election related violence, that’s a 7 day break.

In a twist of events, the missionaries told us that we would have to start celebrating this day 40 days prior to the nailing event, on a Wednesday, named Ash Wednesday, which brings us to a question, where is Ashy? She could be fasting reading the damn blog! Anyhoo, on ash Wednesday, believers head to their local church where they sing praises for the beloved Hezu, as we call him in Spanish, and later line up before the priest, this time not for Holy Communion, but for the chap to grab into a bowl of ash, and make a cross on yo forehead. If you don’t apply some Nivea cream the moment you get home, you shall be attacked by a bout of acne, some rare black pimples caused by corroding the skin with left-overs of firewood!

After this ceremony, you, yes you, the ashy fore headed fellow, shall be required, by law, just like how you pay VAT and NSSF, to forego or rather sacrifice or better yet fast, something you ultimately love. Previously, chaps used not to eat meat on Fridays, and this was at least a reasonable requirement back in our day. But the ever rigid members of the church, those boring piano-playing chaps of the religious establishment, whose only source of joy is seeing people suffering (ever listened to their sleep-inducing sermons?) saw that we were not suffering enough by avoiding meat, and changed the whole requirement level (like how they returned graduated tax, we were not suffering enough). Now they increased the suffering base (like tax base) to anything you enjoy, not just meat.

Several people have been seen avoiding alcohol in the past couple of days, mbu they are fasting. Preachers have been heard to say that you should fast so u get to know your spiritual self better. I did! I discovered after all this, that deep down within my internal organs, especially the stomach, that there are some rather irritating side effects of fasting, known as ulcers!!! My spiritual self is the stomach ulcer, never to go without a meal next time!

Other unapologetic preachers were heard saying that since people in the village never eat meat,it should not to be the only item on the fasting menu. Villagers are now not supposed to eat raw cassava every Friday. They were seen dumping their party cards (catholic party) and defecting to the Church of the latter day pintists and cassava growers! Who dares take their raw cassava tubes!

Therefore, after all is said, it will only be a matter of time before we get to palm Sunday, when chaps shall be seen holding palm leaves all over the place, no questions asked, and heading to their favourite prayer cribs for a sermon about how this guy died for our sins, and the sins of the CHOGM hotel owners. Awaiting the 4 day blast!