Mo Money.....Mo Pints!!

Prices of common stuff are going high, like Bobi Wine after smoking his breakfast! And it ALL starts with fuel. Petrol has sky-rocketed to 2,700 bucks a liter, that’s a hell lot of dimes. Unbelievably, even punks that sell beer, a commodity whose cost prices last increased when the current President was serving his First term in office…..and that’s a freakin long time ago, have also raised their prices.

A silly bar out of town that barely gets 5 people everyday, is also selling a pint at almost 3,000 bucks, they should shut these bastards down at 10pm! But wait, at the Serena, a pint is 7,000 bucks, and that excludes the freakin tip! Shit…we’re dead!!

Watching NTV Kenya the other day (thanks largely to cable) was a parliamentary proceeding, the MP’s, who obviously knew they were on TV, and who obviously knew that cable had brought it to the living rooms of KIU, were “demanding” that the government slashes electricity tariffs, immediately, no those of those of sijui cabinet sub-committee going through the “demands” again! Unfortunately, NTV K had hired a muzungu man, with an accent that’s twice the heaviness of Seanice, that morning show host that says “duh” and “cant nobody do that no more”, giving us the false impression that we are in LA, just before a cloud of dust hits our eyes like a freaking mudslide with no water in it……erm, where was we, ah, the commentator on NTV Original, yes, he ripped into the MP’s like they do to government coffers, this character was like;

“First off, Kenya’s dam that has been producing elec since….well, about the 1940’s, has had the same capacity, meaning they had to bring in generators, which by the way use gas, that’s erm, diesll’ 'n shit. The increasing world prices of fuel mean that the cost of runnin these gensets shall obviously be high, unless of course the MP’s slash their salaries and this buys the fuel, which they obviously won’t…….”You could cut “Kenya” and paste “Uganda” and the exact same scenario would play out.

The price of fuel impacts on transport, coz lorries fetching those cows whose legs be dangerously dangling off the back of the truck, causes the price of meat to go up, and so does the charcoal and other stuff, meaning food becomes more expensive.

Taxi chaps also do the same, and landlords not wanting to miss out on this new craze, like thongs in the late 90’s, also increase prices. The only punks that NEVER join this bandwagon, for reasons we have failed to understand, are corporate bullshit employers and their contracts! So if you signed a 5 year contract to earn “………… (insert little dimes here) shillings per month before statutory deductions and any other bullshit losses you may cause the company, directly or indirectly through yo negligent and incompetent ass”, it wont matter that a beer used to cost 2,000 bucks when you joined the company and it’s now 3,000, just figure some other shit you have to sacrifice, for example u can lay off buying mobile phones for that ballistic campus chick named “Rihanna”, that’ll be a start! Go for “Getrude” instead, she’ll settle for a salon appointment at Wandegs, riot or no riot, and you are game. Plus, the whole salon experience will cost you just about 2,500 bucks, way less than a pint. I mean what the hell does Getrude need, just a charcoal stove and a freakin hot comb, and she'll feel twice as ballistic as that little “Rihanna” bitch, after having her hair, and bits of her scalp burnt like roasted pork at a stand outside Kyadondo rugby club! But word of advice,never let her use yo pillow, coz that hot-combed hair stinks like used socks godamit!! With some steam on 'em.....

Water, on the contrary, is the only commodity whose prices never seem to go up in a way that will impact on yo life….and yet some punks still default on water payments! How are u going to default on a monthly bill of 8,000 bucks? Seriously! U belong with rioters (and boda riders with no helmets, and diseases like "scabies", that shit of the 70's that just doesnt leave some lumpens alone)! That’s just 8 rolexes, and those don’t even have cabbages and stuff! And u default! And these are the guys u will find at Cineplex with 3 bu chicks, nga they don’t even have water at home. Sometimes they just use a roll on and go to work, u can usually sniff ‘em out at lunch time when the kasana has come out blazing like Nobert Mao thinking he has finally made it! If water had been expensive, it would have been hard for Jesus to turn it into wine, coz no one would be willing to give up their water “for some experiment by some stray magician guy”.

What if instead of oil, water was the thing? Only the chaps in Sudan would be suffering, oh and the Karamoja chaps too. That Ahmadinajad chap would never say “nuclear” in his life. Ghaddafi would be “the queen of queens” and the king of Bunyoro would never talk shit, mbu “the Ankole people should rise up for their kingdom!”. This chap was happy with the 1994 Pajero the government had given him, till they told him he had oil in his backyard. Heck, the chap was elected “the chairman of the kings” recently! The shit oil can do for ya!

If water used to power cars, chaps would be selling plots of water at the Pacific Ocean. Property masters would have an office in the middle of Lake Victoria. Taxi touts wouldn’t exist. The war over Migingo would be so on. Fish would be praying to God everyday “save us from extinction sir….the humans only think of themselves…those sons ‘o bitches!!”

Well, after all is said and done….money makes the world go round. However, unlike the popular saying, more money, more problems, wisely used, the saying is ammended (as if some parliamentary bullshit) to Mo Money Mo Pints!! But less electricity, and fewer campus chicks…..so spend wisely, before 10pm when the bars close!