The Thesis!!

A thesis: A treatise advancing a new point of view resulting from research; usually a requirement for an advanced academic degree……and that’s according to that dictionary chap.

When Ashy said she was bogged down by this thesis thingy, I thought it was some religious stuff, but my friend encyclopaedia corrected me, stating that the religious thingy was theology, not thesis. As a professional lounger with a pass degree to show for it, the hardest work on paper I have ever had to do was called dissertation, and that cost me 70 thou bucks to get done with (that’s what I really worked hard for, the 70 thou!).

Since the Prez Museveni was recently given an honorary PhD from Makerere and Mugabe got his from some uni in Washington, I know I will also get a PhD without writing this intellectual stuff, heck, even Gordon Wavamunno, that chap that dropped out in P4 has a PhD, honorary of course, and they say money cant buy shit, this guy purchased a freakin PhD. In P5, we learnt that fish have gills, and since this Wavah chap never reached there, he has no freakin idea how fish breathe, he just knows it can come as fillet sometimes, but he has a Phd godamit!! All I need now is to figure a way to get dimes and I shall be a Doctor, or better yet, write my own thesis, and here’s what it’ll look like.

THE CO-RELATION BETWEEN PINTS AND IT’S
EFFECT ON THE TAX COLLECTED

BY

SOME CHAP THAT REALLY WANTS THIS DEGREE THINGY

A THESIS SUBMITED IN PARTIAL FULFILMENT / BUT IF SHIT JAMS,
IN TOTAL FULFILMENT, OF THE BALLISTIC PhD IN

QUANTIFIED BEHAVIORAL PATTERNS OF DRUNKARDS
AND THEIR EFFECTS ON THE ECONOMY, IN TERMS OF DIME

UNIVERSITY OF STUDIES, KATI KATI

2010

Approved by: Jackson, the head bar chap.

Abstract:

(the stuff that shall be subtracted from the main stuff, as if a ki summary)
The study shall show that the taxes collected from drunkards in form of the dime they spend buying pints fetches a ki surcharge of 18% VAT, plus the profit we pay the bar owning chaps that they shall return to u government punks as income tax at the year’s end, therefore closing our bars at 10pm affects you, silly mongoose legislators.

Table of contents:

Well, the table I am using right now has a laptop, calculator and a desk calendar, and oh, a ka glass with some pint in it. Those are the contents on my table.

List of figures:

There are no figures, just words.

Acknowledgements:

Well, where can I start. First off, ad like to send massive big ups to the crew that play ol skool videos at Iguana, ya’ll inspired me to stay up till late, and oh, just before I forget, ad like to send a shout out to the Professor of this Doctorate, u chap, u are too bright, u should take up a career in the Ministry of Finance and earn real dimes, why waste time lecturing and earning groundnuts, sorry, the word is peanuts. And as a by the way, I would also like to thank whoever paid fees for this damn course.

Glossary:

I will have a couple of apples, bread, milk and jam……shit, that’s grocery!! To be honest, I have no idea what a freakin glossary is, will just wait to get rich, and win this PhD outright, or better yet, start a guerrilla war and be on the path of Mugabe, I just wont kick out the white guys, coz the honorary degree is usually rescinded…phewks, finally, a big word, rescinded!

Appendix:

The thing that is usually cut out when we eat too many stones, which is why you should settle for packed rice like Tilda or Basmati, this shit in sacks from Nakasero market will mess u up, the doctor will be signing appendicitis on yo health form, ya, the one you shall be sending to AAR for a re-imbusrsment.

Chapter 1:
How pints create dimes;
During happy hour, research, my research which am printing right now so u give me heavy marks, has shown that Africans buy pints by the crate, which means 24 pints times 18% VAT goes to the government fund. Since this drunkard bugger shall be bored at the happy hour bar, he / she shall make a phone call for back up at the bar, where the phone company shall take 18% VAT on the call cost. His friend shall drive to the bar, but shall first buy fuel, where government earns 700/= off each liter he has paid for, bet u didn’t know that, professor guy! After this, in a state of highness, he shall want to go to Ange Noir to shake off the day’s stress, and thereafter, head home. Matter of fact, whenever there are riots, ONLY bars operate as usual, drunkards don’t give a shit, just like constipated people, they too don’t give a shit!

Now let’s look ate the highest sources of revenue to be stolen by government chaps, and see their relation to the story above;
1 – MTN pays the highest tax, because the drunkard called his buddies for a pint.
2 – Shell U pays second highest, because the drunkard drove to the bar and a disco.
3 – Nile Breweries squeezes in at number 3, no reason required.
4 – Ange Noir, surprisingly comes in before Caltex and Total, because of drunkards.
5 – Britania Industries – now where the hell have these juice and biscuit making punks come in from, spoiling the entire argument being dissected, freakin teetotallers!!

Chapter 2:
Professor, if you really can’t see how we drunkards are pushing this economy, then I give up. It’s all good, al buy yo stupid doctorate……wait what? you liked it? Am chooo chowiii I said it’s a stupid doctorate, I was playing. Now, if you can kindly send this thesis to those public fund – munching geese going to close our bars at 10 pm and advance our cause…..sench u punk! Now go read something, u have a new student coming in…am out!