A new phenomenon has hit town, and, as usual, its straight outta Europe. This stuf has come in form of a “disease” known as “shopaholic disorder”! Apparently this disease is catching chicks faster than gonorrhea, diphtheria, diarrhea and any disease than ends in “….rhea”.Shopaholism, the disease, has been classified as an addiction that is equal to, if not worse than smoking, drinking and stealing government funds!
According to some psychologist whose name you don’t really care to know as it adds no tangible value to your ballistic self, this strange disease is often caused by depression, stress, loneliness, anger and the need to be accepted.However, our resident psychologist, whose offices are located in my sub-conscious, refuted these allegations. She said (nice, my conscience is a chick) that shopaholic stuffs are caused by a sudden influx of dimes, probably from some deadly commission one received because she connected the guys that are going to repair street lights to some KCC hyenas.
The psychologist (the real one this time) added that shopaholics need to seek immediate attention from qualified doctors, but was hesitant to add that she was actually talking about herself, and her phone number will be availed if you read the entire article.
What help?
Let’s see the scenario (with the so called qualified but bored psychologist):
“Hi Doc, munange I haven’t been feeling well lately, nga I have been shopping things like a problem! I have more Uchumi receipts than pictures of my family in my sack/handbag! I am confused, please help!”
Addicted resident!
“Well Ms Addicted Resident, this disease is creeping into our corporate culture lately. What you can do however is, just follow my 6 step procedure, which I have clearly written in my book that you will have to buy from the counter on your way out, “shopaholics – the miracle cure, if this shit works…..its a miracle bitch!!”, I clearly explain that u can do the following: Don’t move with your ATM, go tell the bank to shove it up theirs, coz you are saving: Track every penny saved, even that dime for orbit: Ask your spending self, is this a need or a want? If it’s a rolex for a campus toyboy, it’s a need, spend it bitch: Avoid temptations, and not that bible shit, but Uchumi shit: Ask for help, and pay me while you are at it – spend more to learn how to not spend more: Seek professional help – that’s me again, pay up bitch:”
If it were my turn to help this maggot, here’s the deal:
“Woman, u have a what? Spending habit? Coo, let me help. First of all, draft a letter to that silly employer of yours detailing to him how you are making too much money it’s making you sick with a strange disease that makes you feel like spending all of it!
Next, ask…nay, beg the nice incorruptible masturbators at URA to increase your PAYE to 50%. What’s this business of cutting off ONLY 30% yet you don’t need this dime! It’ll be a first, but you know you are trailblazer u spendthrift chick you!
Next, get that ATM card and throw it in a river. Write to the bank and tell them you will no longer withdraw that monthly salary “cause yo ATM and you have divorced, due to irreconcilable differences"! That money can always be deducted as “bank charges”.
Just in case yo daddy is Sam Kutesa, disown the guy! “Daddy, yo money is making me sick!” is a good way to part with him.
Finally, if you are having spending problems “just because you broke up with some lumpen”, using mobile money, send dimes to 077X-XXXXXX, coz that’s my number bitch!
And another finally……..stop whining that you have too much money and cant help it but shop! What kind of bullshit is this? It’s not a disease! It’s what we all wake up for!
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