Re-incarnation explored!!

Human peoples are blessed with minds that enable us think, unlike silly baboons and smelly cats. In the forest of our minds, we conjure up all sorts of imaginations, some of which we force upon others, in the belief that we are right, for example, religion. As we wonder through this intricate web of imagination, we always end up in unknown territory, the shit we want to know but just can’t, for example, what the hell do women exactly want?

That question however is for another day, as the mind today reached another destination that is up for thought, what the hell happens in the after life? Some characters think we first go to the clouds and meet some St Peter chap who has a blackberry with all our data in it, and based on these, he either gives you a ticket to meet 70 virgins or you go to hell – literally!

How about re-incarnation?

Imagine if we are re-cycled? But that wouldn’t explain the population growth, since we are now a lot more than previously. But then again, many animal species get extinct, maybe they return as humans, and immediately concentrate on becoming politicians, coz only wild animals behave like they do. So, imagine if there was re-incarnation, this is what would happen to you.

Dog!

You are sent back as a canine. If you were previously a man, this should be no problem, coz according to our sisters, “all men are dogs”, so we just return to resume normal business. However, if you were a chick and return as a dog, this is what awaits yo ass;

Begging: As a dog, if you don’t live near a garbage pit, yo miserable life shall be spent wagging yo tail at Bamboo nest hoping that the human chap throws a bone at you. Some nasty humans will lace these bones with tones of chilli just for their amazement as they see you roll on the ground like a crazy hyena on heat! You will fight for chicks, and this time they are actually called bitches, so you must be ready to endure scars, that shit of buying the bitch ice cream and taking her for a movie then you get sorted, fogit about it! If you are strong and win the bitch over, you will get stuck to the chick after that chow, and start wondering around like a pair of confused Siamese twins whose parents were cousins, your erect member will be stuck to this bitch’s ass all day, get trouble crossing the road and shit! Speaking of getting stuck, this God character should enable women to tie up rapists like this. You be there blasting and she just ties up, then goes “ok that’s it, we are going to the police station. Don’t try anything silly coz al just tighten up, let’s move punk!!”

Pig!

If you commit many sins, St Peter will send you back to earth as a pig. If you thought a dog’s life was, erm, gone to the dogs, just see the shit our porky relatives go through.

You shall be the filthiest living thing known to civilization. One of your favorite meals, believe it or not, is your own shit! Talk about zero expenses on sewerage! But for some weird and very strange reason, you shall be one of the tastiest animals known to civilization! Probably eating your own shit is good for your predators, coz nothing beats a ham sandwich, Rise and Shine pork, Frankfurters, sausages, sausage rolls, sausage kebabs…….shit, the list is endless!

However, you shall have one of the biggest controversies known to man, coz the guys that like to feed on your fatty ballistic self are humans, but then again, the animals that detest you the most are….u guessed right, humans! They usually call themselves muslims. They will never shake the hands of those that have just had a delicacy of one of your ancestors, heck, they won’t even use a plate that has ever held one of your cousins! We just don’t know why!

Cow!

When you shit, your dung is known as bullshit!! Stop smiling, that’s not a compliment! When you return as a cow, it’s both as a punishment and a ki deadly blessing! If St Peter reads that you molested 14 year old……..no, not chicks, 14 year old bottles of wine, ‘stead a letting ‘em get to the required 25 years to taste ballistic, your ass will be dragged back to earth as a cow in Rukungiri. You will be picked up by a rag tag gang of very un-hygienic lumpens on a Fuso truck and tied up like a common criminal and ferried to Kampala for slaughter. While in transit, your horns shall be tied to the top of the truck such that in your quest to find balance, your hooves may end up hanging on the side of the truck – for 6 straight hours. Luckily, you may not reach the slaughter house alive after all this torture.

Howsomever, if you are lucky, you shall be sent as a cow to India! These nuts believe that cows are re-incarnations of their ancestors, this is de javu, coz we are assuming exactly that right now! The Indian hindus don’t eat cows, they just watch over them till they are old then send them to an elderly ranch where they spend the rest of their miserable lives eating grass and watching the sun set! If this isn’t the life you want, then you need to get a grip on shit!

Cat!

If you are really lucky, you shall be sent as a feline friend to some old white chick who broke up with her husband after killing him. She then inherited all his wealth and has no one to speak to. This wench will leave all her property to you in her will, and you will be pampered like a spoilt brat till a pack of dogs eventually finds you and sends your 9 lives back to the clouds for re-incarnation.

This time round, you may return as a wild cat and spend the rest of your 9 lives begging for milk and eating dirty rats!

Cockroach!

This is probably the worst punishment. Humans will step on you, leave you in pain, but you just don’t die! You just be limping around the house like you were Bebe freakin Fool! You will live so long you may even understand English and start reading the spray cans on our bathroom shelves and talk to your relatives “peoples, looks like we are having a Doom shower tonight. This one says odorless, so be sure this punk is going to drown us on this one this time. Say, I preferred the Farco rapid kill, that shit tasted salty and crispy, let’s see what this Doom shit does, ready guys, get the chemical gas masks, here comes the idiot” is all you may be saying.

Personally, I want to return as King’s son. People just kneel for you as if you paid their school fees! They give you free dimes and even protest on your behalf, while you, you just chill! If you are Mswati’s son, you will beg the Lord to never kill you, what with all the virgins you get a year! If you are African royalty, chaps will lay down on your path so you just walk over them, breaking a couple of spines in the process, but it’s all good , they love it!!

If only this shit were true!

Out!