We complicate life!!!

It usually goes by many names, bureaucracy, red tape, kitu kidogo e.t.c. One may be easily convinced that this kind of thing only happens in government offices and the UN but u’ll be shocked! Let’s review Uganda’s worst places to ever go to for normal bizness:

1 – Bank;

Ok so u finally got that job as Junior something something at that telecom company, u are in charge of handling accounts, so they call you some pompous stuff like “accounts relation manager”, u be posing in the bar with your “big name”, talking bout “big is me”, and u have the bizness card to prove it. Heck, u even dish out yo bizness card to that chap that slashes yo compound, saying “call me if u need a new slasher, errrm, let me give you my card, even though it would be much easier to just save my number in yo phone, but just have zis one!”

Anywho, becoz u have this cool job, u are required, by company policy, the rules imposed by the slave owners, to have a bank account, because they will not be paying cash like that job you had before as a supermarket attendant, but yo money shall be wired direct to your account.

So u pick a quick boda b and dash to the nearest Barclays bank, because they sponsor the premier league. As soon as u get to that chick at “account opening”, she beez like “hold on a second, al be with u in a giff”, since she will somehow be on phone!

When she does get to you, the questions begin;

“Erm, we have a lot of products, do u want a flat rate account, savings, salary, business, ………”

“I need my employer to send me money”

“Ok, that’ll be a salary account. Luckily for you, this one has no charges at all. Now, we need a letter from your employer introducing you to the bank. We shall also need a referee, and he must have an account with us. Also, we need a copy of any bill you have, water, electricity or DSTV. We shall also need a letter from your LC. On top of this, we need 2 passport photos…….”

“But excuse me, I don’t know anyone with an account here, and I still live at my mom’s”

“Sorry, but you need to have those!”

Eventually when you do get the account open, the guys who said there are no charges, jump on your bu little dimes like hyenas on a carcass! Ledger fees, monthly levy, salary processing fee e.t.c eat into that balance of yours! HATE BANKS!!

2 - MTN and the police!

So you lost your phone? Bambi sorry! So what are you doing about it?

Well, the first step you should do is to go to MTN to get a replacement SIM, but they will tell you to first go and bring a police statement explaining how you lost that very precious SIM card of 3 thousand bucks! At the police station, you find Corporal Akello on duty;

“The chim card ij losht! Ello, first give me de money for de foolscap, we don’t have de papers ello!!”

A quick 1 thousand bucks usually does the trick! 2 hours later, and you are rushing back to MTN with a statement! If you are lucky, you wont be asked for a receipt of that SIM!

3 – MAKERERE transcript office;

If you want to kill someone, just go to the transcript office at this so-called university! They will give you a million reasons to murder them, and they will do it so casually!

“Don’t u see am having breakfast, come back later”

“Where is your file? You left it here? No, come back later I have to find it first!”

Meanwhile all this time the bitch is swinging around on some rusty chair that was recently passed on down from the vice-chancellor’s office!

4- JUBA Airport.

The WORST PLACE TO EVER BE!!! This place is so weird! Anywho, when u get there, they stamp some Arabic shit in the passport, and it says “register within 3 days”.
Of course you wont see it. Time to leave is now the worst! So u get back to the airport, and they be like “u did not register within 3 days, so u have to pay 60 dollars, fine”. It doesn’t come with a receipt.
“Go to the photocopy there, pick up 3 forms, fill in 2 of them. Make a photocopy of your passport on this page here, and this page here, then attach the forms to this form here! Pay 10 dollars to the photocopy guy and he gives you a receipt that allows you to leave!”

What a hussle!

Then you go sit on the benches in the “waiting lounge” till some chick comes walking around, “are you on Sudan Airways?” “No, am on Air Uganda” “Oh, sori”! U just be there praying that the Air Uganda chick tells u otherwise, Yo On Your Own!!!