Religious Turf Wars!!

A cold war is brewing in the church establishment, its the kind that has all the ingredients similar to the fights between the government and the opposition establishment.

Noteworthy is the fact that these two institutions are way older than the chaps that are claiming to fight for them. The Anglicans, who used to be known as protestants, are deeply divided into 2, because a gay chap was elected to lead them. So the anti-gay faithfuls are hanging on to their religion but no longer pay allegiance to their leader, and so the Pope (NRM) has been calling on these disgruntled fellows from the Anglican church (FDC) to defect and join them, where they will be accommodated (Fat Jobs).

Let’s try and decipher the history of the beef atwixt these 2 old institutions!

The Catholic church were the original faith spin doctors! A couple of these guys sat down and came up with an encyclopedia of ballistic war stories (The Israelites and the Philistines), love triangles (David and that ballistic chick Bathsheba whose chap was sent to the frontlines so he could have her), jealousy and witchcraft (The queen Jezebel) power and strength (Samson) and how a chow can bring down a man (See Samson and Delilah)

One of these chaps that was writing these stories said he wanted to copyright these works so that these pumpkins who make Spanish Soaps don’t copy their shit, he said the spanish stuff would be like;

“Errduarrdo, (with a strong R), what is the source of your strength??”

“Marrrriiaaa, if you just give me one kiss, I shall tell you!!”

“But Errrduarrdo Do Santos, please tell me! And here’s yo kiss”

“Well baby, its in my hair!!!”

The next time u be hearing those evil sounds in the background of the soap as Maria is chopping off Erduardo’s hair!

The group of authors then decided to call this book the bible!! And anyone who follows these teachings, was known as a roman catholic!

However, these teachings were very discriminative to the chicks! Feminist activists, who may have included the great great ancestors of Miria Matembe and Winnie Byanyima, went up in arms, saying that if Makerere Uni can give chicks 1.5 extra points to get to campus, who the hell are these guys whose biggest job they can give a chick is to be a nun!! They protested this shit, broke away and came to be known as Protestants! Luckily for them all the tear gas at that time was being used in World War 1.

So these Protestants based themselves in England, while the original church remained headquartered at the Vatican in Rome, Italia.

After some good years, football hooligans and FDC protestants (or protestors) began to protest every little thing here and there, giving the Protestants a bad name, so they switched their name to Anglican, a move that was recently done by AIG, who are now called Chartis, because AIG was so broke, they couldn’t associate themselves with the name anymore.

Anglican, however means English! I don’t know if they are sending out a message that this is strictly English stuffs! However, Anglicans do the exact opposite things catholics do. While catholics have mass, Anglicans have service! While Catholics serve some small white thingy as holy communion, Anglicans serve biscuits! While catholic priests are only allowed to chow themselves, mbu celibacy, a term now commonly referred to as Palm-ella Handerson, Anglican priests get married!

It’s because of this little factor that one of their Bishops decided to marry, but for him, he had been eying this boy for like 25 years, a common result of all chaps that be in seminaries for over 9 years, mbu studying theology!

So this guy married a fellow dude, and somehow got elected to head the entire Anglican church! There was even no vote rigging, voter intimidation and ghost voters, he won squarely! Most people who follow this religion were pissed off like a problem at these new developments. Even broke Africans who be waiting for foreign aid from these chaps were like “keep your dimes, we cant take dimes from you filthy bums” (pun intended)

Now the chaps at the catholic church were watching these developments very keenly. Anti last year the Vatican declared a 3rd quarter loss, mbu because the dollar had lost value. They even, for the first time in the 85 years of the existence of the Vatican radio, accepted commercial adverts to run on their station, so as to make a dime. You be there on a sermon;

“Kyrie Eleison, Lord God hear our prayer, we offer to you these thanks, for all these brethren who are here to day…….erm, will be right back after this short commercial break, with the rest of the prayer!!”

“Did u know that Nomi cleans all stains in cuffs, collars and difficult to reach areas??? Use Nomi, for fast growing children!!”

“Welcome back from that commercial break……Lord, as we was saying, we give to you our daily thanks…….”

The most controversial means yet for the catholics to make more dime however came in the form of the Pope telling all disgruntled Anglicans to join the Catholic church, this was like 3 weeks ago, he didn’t mince his words;

“Don’t be left out in the cold, bring your tithe here to Rome, leave those gay punks!!”

Archbishop Robinson responded, I think yesterday, saying the catholic’s refusal to ordain women as priests was one of the reasons the Anglicans were formed, and since they are still as archaic as that time, why should anyone re-join them!!

As a seventh day absentist, I am following these developments with much glee, just to confirm that my religion is still the hardest!!