Re-writing History!!

While flipping through Adolf Hitler’s book Mein Kamph, it dawned on me that these chaps all have details on their history that we Africans savour on in the name of passing time. We literally know about Napoleon and his end at waterloo, we have heard of George Washington a countless number of times, Barrack Obama, Beckham and all these other chaps that literally have NOTHING to do with us!

So it got me thinking, why don’t we come up with a way to make our history so cool that we shall be interested in it?

In Hitler’s book, there’s this passage in the intro;

7) Herodotus (Book VII, 213218) tells the story of how a Greek traitor, Ephialtes, helped the Persian invaders at the Battle of Thermopylae (480 B.C.) When the Persian King, Xerxes, had begun to despair of being able to break through the Greek defence, Ephialtes came to him and, on being promised a definite payment, told the King of a pathway over the shoulder of the mountain to the Greek end of the Pass. The bargain being clinched, Ephialtes led a detachment of the Persian troops

under General Hydarnes over the mountain pathway. Thus taken in the rear, the Greek defenders, under Leonidas, King of Sparta, had to fight in two opposite directions within the narrow pass. Terrible slaughter ensued and Leonidas fell in the thick of the fighting.

The bravery of Leonidas and the treason of Ephialtes impressed Hitler, as it does almost every schoolboy. The incident is referred to again in Mein Kampf (Chap. VIII, Vol. I), where Hitler compares the German troops that fell in France and Flanders to the Greeks at Thermopylae, the treachery of Ephialtes being suggested as the prototype of the defeatist policy of the German politicians towards the end of the Great War.

This was the exact same storyline for a movie called 300!! Kumbe all this time this was a history lesson! Now, we have to do this thing in the Ugandan context, maybe these dotcomers will finally learn their own history, instead of clamouring for green cards! So here goes;

Tales abound of how the god king Kabalega, in despair after the white men had come into his kingdom, called together the highest council of noblemen, advisors and defence forces! He had addressed them thus;

“Noblemen, we have been sold out for a few pieces of silver and household mirrors by a few chiefs in the counties!! This treachery shall only be met by death to the traitor”!

THE IMPERIAL BRITISH EAST AFRICAN COMPANY:

Around this time, the imperialist slave traders from the British Government had sent FJ Jackson as an agent and spy of the Imperial British East Africa Company. His role was to oversee the British sphere of influence, which included Buganda. He quickly enlisted some broke hunters, who also served as chiefs, bribing them with some shiny glasses which when they looked at, they would see themselves, they named these things mirrors!! While on his way, busy recruiting and bribing black chiefs, Jackson heard the news that Karl Peters, a German of Nazi origins who was preferred by the Catholics, had come to Buganda. He rushed to Buganda and negotiated with Mwanga who, however, refused to sign a treaty with him because of the Catholic influence. The Catholics' fear was that any treaty with Jackson's company would favour the Protestants.

“Dawg, u gotta sign this shit or there are gonna be some deadly consequences up in this piece” Jackson had assured Mwanga!!

“No way Mr Jackson, but the chaps at the vatican already signed the agreement with me, just before I burnt up their gay followers, sijui matrys!” Mwanga had retorted!

This was put to rest by the Heligoland Treat of July 1 1890. Under the treaty signed in Europe, the territory known today, as Uganda was to become a British sphere of influence and in return the island of Heligoland in the North Sea was ceded to Germany by Britain. This was clearly some bullshit!! These buggers were sharing pieces of land in east Africa like a dominoes pizza, in exchange for land back at their home, where Mwanga couldn’t go, coz he had no green card……and visa….and even no passport photos!! This set of events really pissed him the f off!!”

At the same time, Emin Pasha was in Sudan planning to annex the kingdoms of Buganda and Bunyoro for Turkey. At this time, the LRA rebels and SPLA had no idea what was going down! Also Charles Stokes, a missionary defector had become a stubborn dealer in arms and was believed to be on the way to sell arms to Kabalega, the major enemy of the whites. He unfortunately brought junk choppers, and the Sebutinde commission was to discover this years later!! He was to pass on his secrets to a business man friend of his, Emma Kato!

Against this background, Captain Frederick Lugard was dispatched to forestall the Egyptian threat and to prevent Stokes from selling arms to Mwanga and Kabalega. These events were clearly missed out in the Nicholas Cage movie, Lord of War!

The Catholics and Mwanga, whom they regarded as their sympathizer, saw the coming of Captain Lugard, a representative of the Imperial British East Africa Company, in December 1890 as a triumph for the Protestants. They immediately dispatched some gay chaps to disorganise the protestants, right from their leader the Archbishop Robinson, so they could neutralise the threat of Lugard!

With the use of threats, Lugard managed to secure from Mwanga and the Catholics an agreement the god king Mwanga had initially refused to sign. He later helped to beat off one invasion of Muslims from Bunyoro, proceeded to Nkore and signed a treaty with Ntare V to stop arms reaching Kabalega. This made Kabalega angry, pissed him off to the core! He was heard ranting; “these mavuki have jammed me to get arms!!! Wewe, presidential advisor, get me on e-bay……NOW!!! Get me Nicholas Cage!!”

They almost stopped him from visiting Kayunga, where he had wanted to rally his subjects!

Lugard reinstated Omukama Kasagama in Toro who had been defeated by Kabalega at the battle of the Kruger! Kabalega had commanded his troops well, assuring them;

“MEN, it’s here at the kruger that our blood will flow! It’s stains shall be a reminder of what heroes we have been, and our names shall live forever in history books, kapish???.....KAPISH!!”

MWANGA AND KABALEGA'S RESISTANCE
This countrywide resistance to the imperialist colonial bastards had come too late. Omukama Kabalega had been fighting a lone guerilla war for nearly eight years. Despite starting with only 27 men, and 6 guns, he still lost! No one was on his shit!! They loved the mirrors GODAMIT! With the depletion of their forces, Mwanga and Kabalega were captured on April 4 1899 in Dokolo, present-day Lira, in a house of a Langi chief. They were on a pint!
They were both exiled to Seychelles Islands where Mwanga died. Kabalega lived there for a long time and was permitted to return but was kept in Jinja where he died in 1926. His body was taken to Mparo in Hoima for burial.

THE 1900 BUGANDA AGREEMENT
With Mwanga and Kabalega off the political scene and Mwanga having been succeeded by his infant son in 1900, as if Oyo, but not quite, the Buganda agreement was signed between Sir Harry Johnston and the Buganda regents with negotiations being undertaken by the missionaries.

The Lukiiko was created with its functions defined and, above all, it was subjected to the overall control of the colonial government.
Buganda lost its independence through the agreement. In fact, the 1900 Agreement was a capitulation document, because an established kingdom was ceding its power to a foreign authority.

This explains the non-ending riots for their rights that were signed away in 1900! However, a new breed of chaps have since taken over from where the colonialists left, and that history is for some other day! The movie shall be in stores as soon as we get the Global Fund Dimes!!