Yes “anonymous”, I have been “outside countries”, just here in Kigali, but since I parted with 360$ for a bullshit 40 minute ride, I can also pose that I was outside countries! We really are low developed countries. Those tea drinkers at the UN in their free time should add one more objective in the MDG’s, “buy a serious plane for your freakin national airline, u poor Africans”.
These Rwanda Air chaps have a plane that has propellers, some shit I saw in God’s must be crazy! Who still flies this shit! Before the damn thing can kick start the engine, some chap starts rotating the propeller blades till they catch momentum then the engine kicks off. And the in-flight entertainment is an instruction manual of “where to find the floaters in case shit goes down!”
And why do plane chaps scare the wits out of passengers before take off?
“Sir, u are seated at the emergency window, are u sure u can handle the requirements…..well good, now we shall be flying over water so in case we crash we shall land in the water, first look outside to make sure there are no obstacles then lift this door as instructions show, after that, you are required to stand on the wing and help ALL other passengers off the plane, but first, get your emergency floater from beneath the seat!”
“Who the hell you think I am?? The damn pilot!!! I thought he gets everyone off!!”
Of course after this scare, all we need is a beer to help us forget, but no, not this eagle air look-alike! Juice and water, if u don’t want, jump out the emergency window bitch!!
So much for all that dime!
Anywho, back to the ballisticness of Kla, and the theatrics contune!
A mayoral candidate of some obscure part of town you don’t give a rat’s dirty behind about got “kidnapped”. He must be cursing his gods (yep, the small buggers that drove him to pull this one off) for the media treated the whole farce like a true one-man circus, using apostrophes for serious words like “kidnapped” and “missing”. We got tired of this kidnap bullshit when a movie “director” got “kidnapped” 2 days before the release of his lousy flick, only to turn up “tied by ropes” at a railway crossing, knowing too damn well the last train that worked here was in 1951, too convenient if u asked. His movie went on to flop and his name disappeared like a government commission of inquiry report! And hopefully so will this candidate....who mysteriously "appeared at a police station covered in blood, because one of his captors "punched" him".
In other sides, advertisers have continued to collude with telecom “giants” to rip us off by continuously lying to us only to be awaken from our broke slumber a tad bit late. The buggers at MTN have been advertising 1/= per second, u would think you have finally arrived to the promised land of super savings on airtime and super diverting that dime to the sexual network (I know u would).
Airtime bought and sim card procured, u proceed to make that 59 second call before you are rudely interrupted and cut off like a half-complete building falling in the city center! These bastards then tell u “oh, u didn’t know?? Ok it’s 1/= per second alright, but only for the first 4 seconds. The rest is back to the normal programming of the usual 450 bucks a minute, starting from the 5th second……soriiiii!!!”
MTN, keeping u connected….or is it disconnected!!
3rd time name changers (as if divorced and re-married chicks) Zain have taken the sexual network of partners to a level last seen since King Mswati married his 13th chick, just last month! After a bitter divorce with that hoodlum Celtel who ripped us off in 1995 with huge brick phones of 2 million bucks and calls at 3 thou a minute, they brought in Wyclef Jean to perform at their wedding ceremony with Zain. After not even 3 years, they decided that Zain was impotent, and the bastard wasn’t circumcised, so they married Airtel and pronounced him yesterday and their new name change! Get off the sexual network, u buggers!
Well I wouldn’t mind these chaps, the real chaps to be shot are the guys doing these day’s ads. These things are more nauseating than a Celine Dion hit song! The chaps that do the Warid thing with a nagging campuser (or so we assume) always asking where her chap has reached;
“honey, where are you???”
“am in a traffic jam…”
“eh eh…nga I cant hear the traffic man, tell him to blow his whistle…”
“Officer………”
Bullshit chick, after telling the guy to blow the whistle, she then calls and asks the incompetent bugger to hoot to confirm he is on his way, then that? Who would want to give his chick his Warid number if this is the shit she will be doing? Guys, style up. UTL not wanting to be outdone in the “worst ad ever” bandwagon, unlash a nursery rhyme that can make u wish their licence was cancelled, and it goes;
“One croc-dyylo beat a telephone….”
Anyway, some crap like that, it’s so embarrassing even to type out the whole thing, but what the heck, who cares right?
In more interesting news though, the campaigns are going unexpectedly smoothly this time round. Journalists from CNN and the BBC are super pissed they have no usual African violence shit to report. No guys pangaring themselves or destroying plantations, well, that’s at least for now (Indians are already scuttling to the safety of the kibera slums), hope the status quo remains and these journalists go back where they belong.
As for the promises, true to political comedy…the railway will be fixed, just like that, federal governance for all, pay rise for every living thing in Ug, loans to students, scrapping pay as you earn for those below 400,000 (that’s MANY of us), inquiries into the 1935 massacres of blacks by the colonialists, and oh, the 1986 ones too (u all know who this is, he of the disbanding the electoral commission, fuck free education and good health, only the commission matters now)….if only promises would come true, elections should be everyday.
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