Just when we were wheezing in relief that Easter and all it’s bunnies / eggs were behind us, the marketing honchos at all major shopping stores quickly sat down in their boardrooms and connected to their teleconference TVs, thanks to Cisco networks, and decided they needed a very fast scam to get people shopping soon, or they wont be able to get those usual bonuses.
At the end of one table was the Walmart CEO, in the screen were three partitions with major representatives from the other large retailers, UCHUMI, Nakumatt and Woolworths. The first point on the agenda was to thank whoever came up with the idea of God and his son’s birthday, and how he resurrected, hence more shopping on christmas and easter, but now they urgently needed more dimes. The woolworths’s guy said that in Africa, people have too much love for their mothers, so why not make a mother’s day, and it shouldn’t, he repeats, it shouldn’t, be on the same day as women’s day, that has it’s own shopping lists.
Before we knew it, the chaps from Hallmark, the largest card making factory was in cahoots with flower growers to create a love day, and name it after a saint, a catholic whose morals dictate he doesn’t see a single chick in his entire miserable life of compassion and prayer stuffs, but instead banished to a world of masturbation and glancing at choir chicks…..but no, he was a saint of love, what an irony!
But wait, all the males were pissed, what about father’s? “k , here u go, a father’s day too!”.
The role of the chaps in the boardroom was to concoct these days, then pass the idea down to marketing, where that overzealous marketer that wants his “employee of the month” picture up on the company wall for 3 straight months is given the task of confusing the masses. He first dashes off to ZK advertising where they put up a concept;
The concept:
Make people feel AS GUILTY as possible for ignoring their mothers, something like “she has been there for you since inception, she washed your stinking napkins and went days on end to ensure you had the best nurture she could offer, this is the right time to give back, buy a full mother’s day gift pack, complete with a sweet card at Nakumatt, offer is on this week till Sunday, mother’s day, at only 200,000 shillings, terms and conditions apply!!!”
Even restaurants have jumped into this bandwagon. Kisimenti restaurants that usually sell a buffet for 1 at just 40,000 bucks, taxes exclusive, now have “special” mother’s day treats, heck, even Bebe freakin Fool has a mother’s day concert….what gives???
I hope everyone has a mother’s day everyday, what’s this shit of waiting for supermarkets to remind us! When I finally join “Shell Select” chain of supermarkets, anticipate the following days:
“Side Girlfriend’s day – new hideouts shall be unveiled to all ye married folk!”
“Corruption free day – The government will shut down on this day, and buy apples for the poor citizens”
“Chicks who work at night day – Nurses, shop attendants, employees of call centers (those telephone punks), night watch women (how don’t they rape these chicks? Oh, they have guns)”
“People who work on Sunday’s day – unfortunate tellers at Kikuubo bank branches, choir members of boring catholic churches, pump attendants, taxi lumpens – shop free “safi” drinks, 1 to each of you”
My supermarket ads will also involve some bullshit from Blueband, “mommy, mommy, can I take the blueband to Mike’s house??”……”why?”…..”because Mike is my beast friend, and he is shorter than me, so I want to give him some blueband so he can grow and he becomes tall like me…”….”ok tall punk, but bring it back when it’s done, daddy needs to grow tall in certain areas too!!” Then the catch phrase “Blueband, helping mothers REALLY celebrate mother’s day!”……or “Blueband, helping promote “best friend’s day!!”…..well, u get the point!!
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