Policemen are bullshit, except during those times when u are being robbed and call on them for help, but other than that, fuck ‘em!! This rant would have also been sponsored by anyone that drives.
So it was a cool Saturday afternnon, just driving around like it was a freakin music video (only that there are no chicks that pull up in a convertible when I stop at the traffic lights, only rowdy taxis trying to cut their way to the front, the pedestrian walking space), oh, where was we? Ah, driving! I knew full well that I had the old driving permit thingy, seeing as getting the card type costs a cool 120,000 bucks, WITHOUT the bribes / tips / facilitation you have to give to that “permit broker”, the idiot that has already-signed medical forms from the only approved KCC clinic to prove yo eyes were not damaged during the “red eye” outbreak, so u can see the road!
Anywhoo, with an old expired permit, yo brain as a driver knowing you shall be stopped anytime is as alert as a PGB chap assigned to guard the President’s favorite daughter, she gets a scratch, u are so dead!!! So, several tactics have to be applied, seeing as you shall be in this cat and mouse game for quite sometime. Here are some of the tricks;
• Only drive when it’s raining, these guys fear to ruin their white uniforms coz shit, they cant afford OMO, and freakin bar soap never removes the damn stains!
• Always look 100 meters ahead of you, if you see a cop, wait for a truck or pick up and drive close behind it, they always give these first priority!
• Talk on the phone while you drive by, as if u never saw the lumpen stopping you……then pray he doesn’t have a motorbike!
• Borrow your cousin’s ID, yep, that chap that works in CMI, and flash it as u drive past them as they try to pull u over!!
• Move with at least 5 thousand bucks, bribe the bastard!!
This Saturday however, shit was tight! The fuel was on E, and the gas station was a few meters from where this traffic punk was standing. A quick glance in the mirror confirmed the worst, no trucks pass this side, heck, there was no freakin car in sight, I was done in for, I was fucked, I was in shit!!! “Drive on punk, and try to look confident…..” I quickly re-assured my self.
The buggers hand went up, and on looking at the rear-view mirror, I knew it was me, no other car in sight, although I kept praying he was raising his hand to stop that chap that was walking by, but wapi!!
“me brodda, get me de driver’s pemitttt ello!!!”
“here u go sir”
“ello, did u know dat de ppemmitt expired…….long ago??”
“Sir, I must have left the new one in another car, this is my uncle’s car!!!”
“but ello, am going to give u de ticket!! What do u think??”
“Ok, just bring it, atte what can I do?”
“But u man, are u a Ugandan??? Kweli are you sure??? It seems u don’t understand how we do here!! De ticket iss 40 souzand, but I can make it go, if u understand?”
“ehhhhh, but I don’t understand!!”
“just bring what u have and we are all happy”
“I have 10 thousand, but as u can see, there is no fuel in the car”
“ahhhhh….kyoka u, I have change, just bring the money, but close the fist like this, they may see me!!”
“ok, first bring the balance….”
“but u dont trust me when I have saved u 40 saouzand, ello, u are being difficult!!”
“Ok here sir”
“Senk u, u are the responsible chitijenz we want……have a good day!!”
As I burst, I saw his hand go up……..another 5 thou in 5 minutes!!! Shit, am joining the freakin police!!
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