Friday, December 23, 2011

The Story of the Miracle Birth

An extremely long time ago, 4BC or thereabouts, before the introduction of company-branded calendars and office-department end of year parties, there was a young virgin named Mary, who lived in Nazareth, and had just been engaged to a one Joseph, whose stag party had been held at a remote drinking spot in Galilee, a small town where he lived with his fiancé Mary, and it is rumored that the wine got finished, but there was no one to turn the plenty of water into boxes of Namaqua, not at least for 30 more years or so.

Earlier on in the Old Testament, the Nastradamus of the times had predicted that in this very dingy town, the messiah would be born to a very special lady, whose pregnancy was to be inflicted by Gad himself, as the future kid was no human being, but would come in human flesh, although a Gad in his own right. A cross-section of atheists that was refusing to believe this theory was asked to look into their LG freezers where they saw that the water they had put in as liquid had turned to ice which was also steaming cold, it was all water in 3 forms, innit, atheist bitch??? *good one

Then an angel visited Mary one day,told her kneel down and pray, for unto her a man child would be born (*then Lauryn Hill used that line in her hit jam, Zion), not Pee Wee Herman, but a child who is a boy, through a chow by the Holy Spirit. While still blasting away to her engagement to the carpenter, she miraculously missed her period, and dashed to the nearby pharmacy where she procured herself a pregnancy test kit which she peed on and gave a 2 minute wait for color separation, watching with bated breath as the colors turned all the way to positive.

It was hard work explaining to her fiancĂ© how this happened, for he must have thought it was that dis-trustful blacksmith that lived next door. The next thing we heard, he had taken her to court like her name was Bad Black, only to turn around and give her a lip kiss in court. Pundits trying to figure out what the hell was going on were later told that Gad had sent an angel to Joseph’s dream telling him to calm the hell down, it was really his kid, and which male lumpen wouldn’t want his wife to have Gad’s kid?

On a starry night, Joe and Mary headed to Bethlehem for a census that had been called up, probably to figure out how to share the nation’s resources, like Abyei. Because all the inns were full, the young couple found a stable nearby during labor pains where the handler’s said “Push”, while she cursed the hell out of the person responsible for taking her through all this pain, like any woman would do…poor Gad! The father couldn’t attend the birth ceremony, a theory that explains why men, till today, dodge the hospital during child birth! The kid was then placed in a manger and dressed in fresh Huggies and baby overalls.

Nearby in the fields, an angel appeared to a bunch of shepherds who announced to them the birth of the newest celebrity kid, Gad’s own, and these rushed over there to celebrate like it was a Chaka Demus and Pliers show! To crown it all, 3 wise guys appeared from the east bearing gifts, which have been revealed to be the new Play Station 5, “It’s a Baby Boy” cards from Bethlehem 24 hour shopping center and myrrh, among other stuffs.

Reigning NRM ruler King Herod had asked the wise guys to show him the new kid after finding him so he would show his respect, like South Korea to Kim Jong Il, but the wise guys “had a dream”, not that one day they would be free at last, but that the naughty King was planning to kill off his future competition like a lion that had just taken over a pride, so they never reported back, earning themselves a name, "NRM rebels", and the kid surviving to tell his stories.

This, ladies and gents, is what we are celebrating, the birth. Any other related stories can be found in the bible!

1 comment:

Ms.Drama said...

there is a special corner and mob timber awaiting your slow roast somewhere in the future.
LOL...sirree

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