This couldn’t wait, its an emergency. Either am drunk or am seeing things funnily, “am seeing in tongues!!”
Today’s headline, in the New Vision, “Security to clear parties, weddings” is not supposed to be a big deal, but read the paper, and u are in for a ki deadly shock. Under the new bullshit so called guidelines, issued yesterday, wedding receptions will only go ahead after clearance from the Police. Not bad, you may think, then here this;
“any gathering of more than 5 people in the city and its suburbs must get a clearance from the IGP”, this guy is goin to be the busiest chap EVER!
“We are sounding a warning. No gathering of more than 5 people, even if it is in your compound, shall be held without the clearance from the IGP. We want to ensure the safety of our 32 million people. If business owners can’t afford security gadgets, they should hire bouncers” What gives?? Is hiring free or what!“
This does not stop at weddings, but also applies to wedding meetings, funerals and vigils. Places like funerals attract many people so we need to ensure their safety”What crap!!
So now am in my compound, trying to drink that deadly evening pint, my 3 neighbours have shown up and 3 OB’s have brought pints! Shit, we are now 6, what can we do?
“Does any of you guys have the IGP’s number, we cant meet now, we are 6!!”
“Let one of us go drink at the garage, ok 2 of us so they don’t be lonely, that way, when the police show up, we shall be 4 and 2, no offence”
How about bars, there are usually crowds of more than 5. Now Cayenne has to get “multiple clearances” from the IGP, seeing as they host about 5,000 characters in a night!If this aint bullshit, then there’s no other name for it. Luckily, we have been thru this crap before and this too, shall pass, like the bullshit order to close bars at 10pm!Silly Police, like they don’t have any useful shit to do anymore!
Am really feeling bad for the time we have to go for a vigil, chaps, don’t die, I don’t have the IGP’s direct line, or we shall just dispose of you like the mafia, coz I ain’t getting arrested for nobody!! (that’s my excuse)
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Beef with a plan-less "tycoon"
So what’s goin’gz on in this state? Funny shit I tell ya’
There’s a new clown in town! After the pre-mature death of theater factory and the rise of the "same-joke superstar" Pablo (who laughs at his own “jokes”), we finally have a clown we can always miss that important beer to go see……Mike Ezra, the show stopper (or is it starter)
This genius will play with your mind like he was a research scientist at a NASA lab, if he doesn’t leave you in stitches to nurse those broken ribs resulting from the very had laughs, he will leave you in a state of awe, asking him to come give a donation to your NGO or you begging him to lend him some money hoping you will get an interest in the very short term.
I subscribe to the former, the laughing kind!
This genius clown borrows money from one person, then spends it like he had a direct phone call to Jesus and the guy assured him that the world was ending the next day. He will hire a helicopter to go watch a national soccer game, complete with a ring of bodyguards that rival his competitor in the money show business, Col Gaddafi him-u-selef! He will then pay, hard borrowed cash, bonuses to each team player for the win before flying his broke self to the Sheraton.
This carefully-scripted show confuses the Sheraton management into submitting to the broke lumpen’s demands to get an entire Presidential suite on credit;
“Bub, I think he is good for it, he moves in a chopper and shit, let’s just give him the rooms”
“Yes Sir”
After getting a free room, he calls in the press to show them how he is living the life of royalty and issues a blank cheque to these greedy pests who in turn shower him with phony names like “young mysterious tycoon”.
These little shows of sycophancy on the part of the uncouth press give him leverage with more banks, lenders, real tycoons and some international exposure that portray him as credit worthy, a guy whose dimes is stuck in a bid for a large English club, Leeds United (as reported by the reporter hyenas) so he can borrow and will pay back with major interest.
However, the truth is always lurking behind everyone like a hungry dog waiting for you to drop that chicken bone! It strikes like lightning and exposes like a prostitute on Speke Road!
Credits mounted this chap like a young bull elephant on heat, and screwed him like a young bull elephant on heat! He was cornered like a house rat and his only remedy was to run head first onto it’s attackers, no time to think, lay strategy and see a way out, coz he had no other way out, being the plan less rat that he is.
He ran straight to his creditors through his former ass lickers, the press, showing off wads of suspected fake dollars, coz he carefully left behind the chemicals and type writers he had used to print all these rims of paper!
Which idiot pushes off creditors by showing them money……GIVE them the dimes BITCH!!
It’s like your dog barking hard coz its hungry, then the best you do is come out the window, show it a bag of freshly roasted sausages, then telling it not to complain, “coz there’s food, bitch!”
So as we await the next part of this tragi-comedy, coz it sure may not end well, I hope the chaps from barbed wire could start a series around this clown! Or maybe there’s a larger story behind it…..only time will tell!!
There’s a new clown in town! After the pre-mature death of theater factory and the rise of the "same-joke superstar" Pablo (who laughs at his own “jokes”), we finally have a clown we can always miss that important beer to go see……Mike Ezra, the show stopper (or is it starter)
This genius will play with your mind like he was a research scientist at a NASA lab, if he doesn’t leave you in stitches to nurse those broken ribs resulting from the very had laughs, he will leave you in a state of awe, asking him to come give a donation to your NGO or you begging him to lend him some money hoping you will get an interest in the very short term.
I subscribe to the former, the laughing kind!
This genius clown borrows money from one person, then spends it like he had a direct phone call to Jesus and the guy assured him that the world was ending the next day. He will hire a helicopter to go watch a national soccer game, complete with a ring of bodyguards that rival his competitor in the money show business, Col Gaddafi him-u-selef! He will then pay, hard borrowed cash, bonuses to each team player for the win before flying his broke self to the Sheraton.
This carefully-scripted show confuses the Sheraton management into submitting to the broke lumpen’s demands to get an entire Presidential suite on credit;
“Bub, I think he is good for it, he moves in a chopper and shit, let’s just give him the rooms”
“Yes Sir”
After getting a free room, he calls in the press to show them how he is living the life of royalty and issues a blank cheque to these greedy pests who in turn shower him with phony names like “young mysterious tycoon”.
These little shows of sycophancy on the part of the uncouth press give him leverage with more banks, lenders, real tycoons and some international exposure that portray him as credit worthy, a guy whose dimes is stuck in a bid for a large English club, Leeds United (as reported by the reporter hyenas) so he can borrow and will pay back with major interest.
However, the truth is always lurking behind everyone like a hungry dog waiting for you to drop that chicken bone! It strikes like lightning and exposes like a prostitute on Speke Road!
Credits mounted this chap like a young bull elephant on heat, and screwed him like a young bull elephant on heat! He was cornered like a house rat and his only remedy was to run head first onto it’s attackers, no time to think, lay strategy and see a way out, coz he had no other way out, being the plan less rat that he is.
He ran straight to his creditors through his former ass lickers, the press, showing off wads of suspected fake dollars, coz he carefully left behind the chemicals and type writers he had used to print all these rims of paper!
Which idiot pushes off creditors by showing them money……GIVE them the dimes BITCH!!
It’s like your dog barking hard coz its hungry, then the best you do is come out the window, show it a bag of freshly roasted sausages, then telling it not to complain, “coz there’s food, bitch!”
So as we await the next part of this tragi-comedy, coz it sure may not end well, I hope the chaps from barbed wire could start a series around this clown! Or maybe there’s a larger story behind it…..only time will tell!!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Cool Colonialism!!
The world is round – definitely true, the church people can smother themselves on this one, they were wrong to reject those “scientific facts”.
I don’t even have to go Galileo on this one, coz hairstyles do come back, huge shades and bags made a comeback, and yep, colonialism too, it’s back big time, but I don’t think you know this!
Well, it’s not like there are white uniformed chaps out there whipping blacks to submission, but this colonialism has hit us through our tv screens! We are being intoxicated (and am sure as hell not complaining) by tv shows, we have even started speaking like a true colonial character in the modern times, so if you ever catch yourself saying some things, just know that Kwame Nkurumah and Patrice Lumumba will bitch slap you when you eventually meet, coz this is the shit that people here in Ug have resorted to;
When asking for directions:
“Erm, drive about 2 miles after the Ntinda trading center, you will find a bunch of cabs after a Shell gas station, take a left and drive about 3 or 4 blocks down that lane then u’ll see my apartments, holla at yo bwoy when u get there!!”
In real African stuff, this is how we used to say….before the movies!
“kati now, u will drive up to Ntinda, then u will continue driving doooooowwwwwn until u find a stage for special hires at a big mango tree, branch left from there then u will pass about 3 or 4 houses and then u will find as if a ka flat with a green gate….that’s my gwa!”
These days however, here is how we do it…after a couple of series and movies:
When u go to Mulago:
“Man, ad like to see House……or Dr Cox!”
When a police man “pulls you over”
“Officer, I was only doing 80 miles an hour, you popo’s make us sick!!”
When at a petrol station:
“How much does your gas station sell a gallon?”
When sending the housemaid for slippers from the kafunda shop:
“Go down to the store and get me some rubber push-ins!”
When ordering takeaway at Chillies:
“Do you cats have fries?”
When going to the village:
“Man am going to the country to see my old folks!”
When going to the salon / barber shop:
“off to the hair dressers”
When before an England soccer game, you can sing their entire anthem, and can't pass the line of "Oh Uganda......." in ours.
When your ringtone is the Liverpool anthem.
When you say "you are playing at home at Stanford Bridge"
That’s just the few av encountered, we’ll pray to God the whites don’t actually physically come back, although all indicators point to the fact that we may want them back, if our lingo is anything to go by.
I don’t even have to go Galileo on this one, coz hairstyles do come back, huge shades and bags made a comeback, and yep, colonialism too, it’s back big time, but I don’t think you know this!
Well, it’s not like there are white uniformed chaps out there whipping blacks to submission, but this colonialism has hit us through our tv screens! We are being intoxicated (and am sure as hell not complaining) by tv shows, we have even started speaking like a true colonial character in the modern times, so if you ever catch yourself saying some things, just know that Kwame Nkurumah and Patrice Lumumba will bitch slap you when you eventually meet, coz this is the shit that people here in Ug have resorted to;
When asking for directions:
“Erm, drive about 2 miles after the Ntinda trading center, you will find a bunch of cabs after a Shell gas station, take a left and drive about 3 or 4 blocks down that lane then u’ll see my apartments, holla at yo bwoy when u get there!!”
In real African stuff, this is how we used to say….before the movies!
“kati now, u will drive up to Ntinda, then u will continue driving doooooowwwwwn until u find a stage for special hires at a big mango tree, branch left from there then u will pass about 3 or 4 houses and then u will find as if a ka flat with a green gate….that’s my gwa!”
These days however, here is how we do it…after a couple of series and movies:
When u go to Mulago:
“Man, ad like to see House……or Dr Cox!”
When a police man “pulls you over”
“Officer, I was only doing 80 miles an hour, you popo’s make us sick!!”
When at a petrol station:
“How much does your gas station sell a gallon?”
When sending the housemaid for slippers from the kafunda shop:
“Go down to the store and get me some rubber push-ins!”
When ordering takeaway at Chillies:
“Do you cats have fries?”
When going to the village:
“Man am going to the country to see my old folks!”
When going to the salon / barber shop:
“off to the hair dressers”
When before an England soccer game, you can sing their entire anthem, and can't pass the line of "Oh Uganda......." in ours.
When your ringtone is the Liverpool anthem.
When you say "you are playing at home at Stanford Bridge"
That’s just the few av encountered, we’ll pray to God the whites don’t actually physically come back, although all indicators point to the fact that we may want them back, if our lingo is anything to go by.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Corporate farewells!!
Do You ever be in office (yeah, that corporate stuff) and some little bored nut from HR shows up with some form you have to fill up coz “some employee is leaving”, so he / she needs some stuff written on about them, possibly nice stuff……here’s what you actually be thinking about (I have actually been busy…some bullshit, I know, so I decided to copy and paste this shit from some place I can’t really remember so it looks like I have a new blog post, read on)
Get Well soon leave / Sick leave
Good luck with the op! I’m sure the surgeon has extracted stranger things from “up there”.
If you die, can I have your desk? No, only kidding! But assuming the worst happens, can I have it? Only kidding! Although you never know.Let me know about the desk.
You’re so brave! May you endure the searing pain with dignity, and I hope the very long road to recovery will be worth the obvious distress it will bring to you and your family.
Don’t
Eat
Anything
Too
Hot while you’re recuperating!
Do
Ingest
Every medication you doctor gives you!
Please
Advise
If
Nothing works and you’ll be off work for longer!
Look on the bright side mate! That morphine drip will be a lot stronger than that other “stuff” you like to put up your nose, eh?!
You are actually leaving!!Now they’ll never know who was stealing all the pens! And they never missed that photocopier. Nice one, dude!
Good luck with your new “career” – when I see a nicely sewn mail bag I’ll think of you.
Are you going to masturbate over the boss’s desk like you said you would? Oh go on, it’s your last day after all!
Congrats on your new career in “customer relationship management”!Don’t forget this customer likes large fries with his Value Meal.
The washroom won’t smell the same without you! I’ll miss you like you missed the bowl, Lol!To be honest, that was pretty disgusting.
Maternity leave
Can’t quite imagine someone having sex with you, but well done anyway.Congratulations!
What colour is it?
Here’s to many years of sleepless nights and vomit! Really, it only gets worse. You may regret this.
Yeah, it’s a baby. What a miracle. Special bundle of joy etc.I know what one looks like, so don’t junk up my e-mail with baby pictures.
Does it look like you? Or does it look like the father? Only kidding! Although Jeff in Accounts mentioned something about… anyway, congratulations! I think.
Salesman of the year award
I’m so excited for you! It must be the best thing that’s ever happened to you! It’s probably the best day of your life, right? I guess that’s kinda sad in a way. It’s only a sales award after all.
OMG dude, whose cock did you have to suck to get that award?!?!?!Seriously, let me know.
God bless you! An angel from heaven must have been on your shoulder when you made that winning sale. And Jesus himself can guide you to strive for more! Have you felt Jesus’ love lately? I’ll be round your office in a while to share some exciting news about God’s big plan for you! See you soon!
I know what you did to get that award, you filthy pervert. I was hiding under your desk with my camera phone.Don’t believe me? Search “Sock Puppet Anal Domination” on YouTube.
Hey Dave, well done! I’m so happy for you. I always knew you were the best. That cute smile, those big eyes… you are a special guy. I’ve been thinking about you a lot.I’ll swing by your office after work, maybe we can get to know each other a little better?XXXJohn
(Disclaimer: Employment termination may result from using these comments. Do not use.)
Get Well soon leave / Sick leave
Good luck with the op! I’m sure the surgeon has extracted stranger things from “up there”.
If you die, can I have your desk? No, only kidding! But assuming the worst happens, can I have it? Only kidding! Although you never know.Let me know about the desk.
You’re so brave! May you endure the searing pain with dignity, and I hope the very long road to recovery will be worth the obvious distress it will bring to you and your family.
Don’t
Eat
Anything
Too
Hot while you’re recuperating!
Do
Ingest
Every medication you doctor gives you!
Please
Advise
If
Nothing works and you’ll be off work for longer!
Look on the bright side mate! That morphine drip will be a lot stronger than that other “stuff” you like to put up your nose, eh?!
You are actually leaving!!Now they’ll never know who was stealing all the pens! And they never missed that photocopier. Nice one, dude!
Good luck with your new “career” – when I see a nicely sewn mail bag I’ll think of you.
Are you going to masturbate over the boss’s desk like you said you would? Oh go on, it’s your last day after all!
Congrats on your new career in “customer relationship management”!Don’t forget this customer likes large fries with his Value Meal.
The washroom won’t smell the same without you! I’ll miss you like you missed the bowl, Lol!To be honest, that was pretty disgusting.
Maternity leave
Can’t quite imagine someone having sex with you, but well done anyway.Congratulations!
What colour is it?
Here’s to many years of sleepless nights and vomit! Really, it only gets worse. You may regret this.
Yeah, it’s a baby. What a miracle. Special bundle of joy etc.I know what one looks like, so don’t junk up my e-mail with baby pictures.
Does it look like you? Or does it look like the father? Only kidding! Although Jeff in Accounts mentioned something about… anyway, congratulations! I think.
Salesman of the year award
I’m so excited for you! It must be the best thing that’s ever happened to you! It’s probably the best day of your life, right? I guess that’s kinda sad in a way. It’s only a sales award after all.
OMG dude, whose cock did you have to suck to get that award?!?!?!Seriously, let me know.
God bless you! An angel from heaven must have been on your shoulder when you made that winning sale. And Jesus himself can guide you to strive for more! Have you felt Jesus’ love lately? I’ll be round your office in a while to share some exciting news about God’s big plan for you! See you soon!
I know what you did to get that award, you filthy pervert. I was hiding under your desk with my camera phone.Don’t believe me? Search “Sock Puppet Anal Domination” on YouTube.
Hey Dave, well done! I’m so happy for you. I always knew you were the best. That cute smile, those big eyes… you are a special guy. I’ve been thinking about you a lot.I’ll swing by your office after work, maybe we can get to know each other a little better?XXXJohn
(Disclaimer: Employment termination may result from using these comments. Do not use.)
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Do you pay yo taxes?? Well i try....atleast!!
I've just been registering for a TIN, e-tax style. U see, as a professional lounger with a licence to chill, sometimes we need to make a dime, I mean the utility bills wont magically stop looking for me like a search warrant from a Grade 2 magistrate’s court!
Hence the need to be “tax compliant” in order to hammer a couple of deals here and there.
The process is quite interesting, you use the computer to get your details to URA, that way at least you can lie to a computer without it noticing the body language and investigating further.
Did I say lying, sori, I meant “clarifying”.
The first step is to tell the damn thing yo name, the Sir name and the other one, first name, that one from the white people in the bible thingy.
Then , she asks you for the amount of money you earn, yearly income. Its at this point that a pop up window appears saying “SERIOUSLY!!!! FOR REAL!!!!JUST THAT??!!” and you be like “Fuck off, it’s for true god damn it!”.
She then proceeds to gather information pertaining to your expenses, and after typing in this stuff, she asks, “will you please remove amounts relating to alcohol and tobacco, these cannot be reduced from taxes liable…….” Then I be asking, if a car takes fuel and it is an expense, in the same vein, the body takes fuel / alcohol to keep in shape”, “bullshit” she replies, “take it off”.
She then asks me if I had any other sources of income. I inquired if sending emails purpoting to be Sani Abacha’s son asking if I can send money through your account as a source of income…she refused to reply, “idiot alert” the pop up said!
It is at this point that I scattered to the FAQ’s page to figure out what to deduct and avoid giving my dimes to the hyenas at KCC’s road maintenance division, and here they are:
If cockroaches ate your socks, you are allowed a claim of not more that 60% of the amount the socks were worth, within the financial year of income being declared.
You may not deduct condoms and birth control pills, for you are depriving us of future sources of income, you selfish abortionist bitch!!
You may deduct wages for the shamba boy, gate chap and that broke chick that mops the house and irons the clothes, God knows how they need that ka dime.
If your household property, particularly chairs and wardrobe furniture was destroyed by a pride of rodents probably from the neighbor’s house because yo broke self has no food (hence the feast on the wood), you are liable to pay this amount, coz you are an irresponsible punk that failed to buy rat poison, this is a punishment (and a present to the government)
In case your expenses are more than your income, make sure your name is Bebe Cool or Micheal Ezra, coz we sure aren’t taking your shit! URA giveth, URA taketh away!
And that’s how I became “tax compliant”.
Hence the need to be “tax compliant” in order to hammer a couple of deals here and there.
The process is quite interesting, you use the computer to get your details to URA, that way at least you can lie to a computer without it noticing the body language and investigating further.
Did I say lying, sori, I meant “clarifying”.
The first step is to tell the damn thing yo name, the Sir name and the other one, first name, that one from the white people in the bible thingy.
Then , she asks you for the amount of money you earn, yearly income. Its at this point that a pop up window appears saying “SERIOUSLY!!!! FOR REAL!!!!JUST THAT??!!” and you be like “Fuck off, it’s for true god damn it!”.
She then proceeds to gather information pertaining to your expenses, and after typing in this stuff, she asks, “will you please remove amounts relating to alcohol and tobacco, these cannot be reduced from taxes liable…….” Then I be asking, if a car takes fuel and it is an expense, in the same vein, the body takes fuel / alcohol to keep in shape”, “bullshit” she replies, “take it off”.
She then asks me if I had any other sources of income. I inquired if sending emails purpoting to be Sani Abacha’s son asking if I can send money through your account as a source of income…she refused to reply, “idiot alert” the pop up said!
It is at this point that I scattered to the FAQ’s page to figure out what to deduct and avoid giving my dimes to the hyenas at KCC’s road maintenance division, and here they are:
If cockroaches ate your socks, you are allowed a claim of not more that 60% of the amount the socks were worth, within the financial year of income being declared.
You may not deduct condoms and birth control pills, for you are depriving us of future sources of income, you selfish abortionist bitch!!
You may deduct wages for the shamba boy, gate chap and that broke chick that mops the house and irons the clothes, God knows how they need that ka dime.
If your household property, particularly chairs and wardrobe furniture was destroyed by a pride of rodents probably from the neighbor’s house because yo broke self has no food (hence the feast on the wood), you are liable to pay this amount, coz you are an irresponsible punk that failed to buy rat poison, this is a punishment (and a present to the government)
In case your expenses are more than your income, make sure your name is Bebe Cool or Micheal Ezra, coz we sure aren’t taking your shit! URA giveth, URA taketh away!
And that’s how I became “tax compliant”.
Funny exam answers!! (from the net)
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children,Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.”. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.
29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is In the East and the sun sets in the West.
30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of river to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children,Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.”. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.
29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is In the East and the sun sets in the West.
30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of river to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Makerere University's Usual Shenanigans!!
Once again, news is coming in from the dead university…Makerere uni. Yep, they are on strike again. You will be forgiven if caught wondering “but I haven’t heard of any tear gas there”, but that’s because this time round, it’s the lecturers having a go at it, they were sick of the students having all the strikes to themselves!
This time, they are asking for some dimes which they were depositing to NIC and they haven’t received a coin yet the contract mbu ended in 2k5. Talks between the Uni chaps and the goats from the Ministry of Finance failed to resolve this shit. After more than 7 hours of nail-biting negotiations (yep, chaps were just biting their nails, bored like an askari at an ATM machine), there seemed to be no end in sight, just like how we students saw no end in sight in our horrendous search for that elusive transcript and gave up!
Freshers / new blood who had just finished their orientation week, begged the chaps of Nile Breweris to extend the orientation period of free base pinting and chow experimenting for as long as the lecturers kept up their resolve not to teach.
They jammed!
The following people are therefore urged to make use of the situation at campus for their own ends;
Perverts: Yes, sexual predators and child molesters, the Serengeti plains of Makerere University are teeming with lots of prey for your perverted gratification. Bored chicks looking for a quick meal of “sips and sicken” are roaming the Masaai Maraa areas of Wandegs knowing they have no lectures to attend in the morning and have no food in the kitchen since the cooks are on strike too! This is your paradise, fools!
Recently-promoted-corporatal-buggers: They are never complete without a “ka-side-dish”, forget those bullshit adverts that hit us last year, chaps jammed to listen! You see, boy graduates, boy gets job, boy gets out of mommy’s house to rent his own, boy therefore becomes man, man meets chick, man confuses chick, man disturbs us for wedding meetings, man marries, man returns to school and gets masters, man gets promoted, man gets car allowance……he is still not complete until…..well, u guessed it, MAN FINDS OTHER RIB!! This one has to be a ka campuser who is simply mesmerized by that company logo on that company pick up and that company blackberry! This is the time, the bu chicks are just there grazing on boredom!
FDC / IPC strategists: These political clown fish will not sleep until there is a riot, and what better way than to incite a bunch of bored lumpens who have no dimes to take out the chicks they are roaming about with? FDC chaps love to see violence, tear gas and burning cars, these are their guys!
Members of Parliament: These guys somehow have the worst results in terms of education performance. While the Makerere chaps are still on strike, they should go bribe them and get their transcripts altered while they still have a chance. (and probably add to their list of concubines while at it)
Who else…..le me chiiiiiiiii…..hmm, no one really!
This time, they are asking for some dimes which they were depositing to NIC and they haven’t received a coin yet the contract mbu ended in 2k5. Talks between the Uni chaps and the goats from the Ministry of Finance failed to resolve this shit. After more than 7 hours of nail-biting negotiations (yep, chaps were just biting their nails, bored like an askari at an ATM machine), there seemed to be no end in sight, just like how we students saw no end in sight in our horrendous search for that elusive transcript and gave up!
Freshers / new blood who had just finished their orientation week, begged the chaps of Nile Breweris to extend the orientation period of free base pinting and chow experimenting for as long as the lecturers kept up their resolve not to teach.
They jammed!
The following people are therefore urged to make use of the situation at campus for their own ends;
Perverts: Yes, sexual predators and child molesters, the Serengeti plains of Makerere University are teeming with lots of prey for your perverted gratification. Bored chicks looking for a quick meal of “sips and sicken” are roaming the Masaai Maraa areas of Wandegs knowing they have no lectures to attend in the morning and have no food in the kitchen since the cooks are on strike too! This is your paradise, fools!
Recently-promoted-corporatal-buggers: They are never complete without a “ka-side-dish”, forget those bullshit adverts that hit us last year, chaps jammed to listen! You see, boy graduates, boy gets job, boy gets out of mommy’s house to rent his own, boy therefore becomes man, man meets chick, man confuses chick, man disturbs us for wedding meetings, man marries, man returns to school and gets masters, man gets promoted, man gets car allowance……he is still not complete until…..well, u guessed it, MAN FINDS OTHER RIB!! This one has to be a ka campuser who is simply mesmerized by that company logo on that company pick up and that company blackberry! This is the time, the bu chicks are just there grazing on boredom!
FDC / IPC strategists: These political clown fish will not sleep until there is a riot, and what better way than to incite a bunch of bored lumpens who have no dimes to take out the chicks they are roaming about with? FDC chaps love to see violence, tear gas and burning cars, these are their guys!
Members of Parliament: These guys somehow have the worst results in terms of education performance. While the Makerere chaps are still on strike, they should go bribe them and get their transcripts altered while they still have a chance. (and probably add to their list of concubines while at it)
Who else…..le me chiiiiiiiii…..hmm, no one really!
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