The world's ending potponed

Harold Camping is an old, wrinkled, one-testicled nut case that convinced us all that the world was going to end on May 20^th, and he got some major fans too while at it, coz on the 18^th May, guys went over to chicks and had new pick up lines; “babe, remember when u said u could only have me if the world was ending??? Well, u have 2 days to go………bitch!! Now where and when???”

Just as we thought that it was a hoax by some crazy loon that was so old he knew he was going to die anyway, shit started happening.

Bin Laden got killed on May 3^rd! This infidel-cleansing-self-appointed religious crusader had eluded the world for decades and had acquired Satan-like status, “too bad even for God to catch!” If Bin Laden can get killed, then this world is surely coming to an end.

Oprah’s show got killed: The chick said it’s her last season after 25 years on air. Now how shall we know what book to read? On whose couch shall Tom Cruise jump after getting a new chick? How will Obama win a re-election? How will WBS survive with it’s only remaining talk show, “Jam Agenda”? The world will just end!

The pope on twitter: After a lot of soul searching (and finding only child-boy molesters), the catholic church decided it was time to get hip, groove to the jive and have swag! They first opened a facebook page which was quickly filled with stray confessions from chaps that couldn’t get up for the 7am mass and requests for “penance” by some perverts! They then decided to go twitter on 29^th June with the Pope Benedict XVI (no relation to the BMW X series) sending the first tweet, “"Dear Friends, I just launched News.va. Praised be our Lord Jesus Christ! With my prayers and blessings, Benedictus XVI". Are these the same guys that have still jammed that the world is round? For real? The world must be ending.

The US gets bankrupt: Ok not yet, but they shall be declared “bankrupt” on August 1^st if they don’t meet their 1 trillion dollar debt, most to China. Now who is going to remove Ghaddafi from power? Who is going to lecture Kagu when he goes for a 5^th term? Who is going to lecture Mugabe? Shall they still refuse his wife to shop there? They badly need dimes? This is it!

Chameleon gets another hit: For real? After 10 years of this shit? His new catch line is “me set the trend and de adaz fallo me” nga it’s now a new same raga beat for 4 songs in a row! This world should end!

Another building collapses in Ntinda – that’s normal;

“Election loser Mbabali withdraws case against VP Sekandi yet he looke like he was set to win – denies taking 200 million shilling bribe” – that’s normal stuffs!

Yellow is back!!

Researchers at the Uganda Virus Research Institute are pissed! They have given the government 2 weeks to answer their demands or they go on strike!!

Nah……. That’s the news that everyone in Uganda would expect, seeing as it’s a new trend to strike – effects of boredom after the Premiership went on a break.

Anywho, the Virus researchers are angry with Wakiso district land board for issuing land titles to chaps for space around the Ziika forest in Kisubi. There’s a forest in Entebbe??

In this forest dwells the dreaded “Aedes Africanus” mosquito, whose name sounds like a soul singing sister, and is solely responsible for the spread of yellow fever.

NRM mobilisers were extremely happy with this news and run to their masters to report that there is actually a faster way to turn the population yellow, and it’s a simple mosquito! Their hopes were quickly dashed when the researchers swiftly added, “between 10% and 20% of people that get it will die, most likely before the next election”, and they quickly climbed down the sand castles they had built with their selfish egos hoping for a windfall of dimes from the national reserves.

The researchers say that this mosquito is used to pinting blood from forest monkeys, and sometimes from taxi conductors and boda boda riders, “it kinda comes across the same to me, I s’pose”, one “Aendes mosquitos” was over heard telling a researcher.

With this data, the institute was quick to send a warning to the rest of the human beings to stop encroaching on this forest lest they fall dangerously ill, and miss all the political comedy action on NTV news!

Vaccination slips for Yellow Fever are compulsory when going to many countries, especially South Africa. They used to go for 17,000 shillings but have now since been revised to 70,000 bucks on the black market, with the go-betweens blaming this rise on the sharp increase on prices of sugar! Now that the yellow fever is for real (thanks to those silly encroachers, and smelly taxi guys), getting this card is going to even increase in cost, due to the factors of demand and supply.

In the meantime, government has promised to do nothing, blaming all this fracas on the opposition who scared away tourists with their walk to work antics leading to forest encroachment and hence giving the forest mosquitoes free and fresh blood to feast on.

Strikes......Strikes....Strikes!!!

The latest fad in Ug these days is strikes, even students in freakin’ Bupadhengo SS in Kamuli yesterday were at it, and for the stupidest reasons brought forth thus far – vote rigging in favor of boarding students! What the hell is that??? On further questioning, they reluctantly confessed that the actual reason for the strike was that they were pissed off because Cesc Fabregas wanted to leave Arsenal and that the Government was doing nothing to intervene……plus they were being caned with thorns too, as a bonus reason for the strike, make it more legit!

These little fuckers picked a leaf from their lumpen cousins at St Kaggwa School in Bushenyi whose school was closed last week due to a strike for the extremely flimsy reason that they were being fed on posho and beans, yet they wanted more rice! Where do these maggots come up with these strange reasons from? Do they know what we ate while still there? For 6 straight years? (Some of us Kabojja boys can add 7 years to the posho and beans eating tally!).

Recently, students at some obscure school you don’t give a shit about located in Kabale went on a rampage destroying school sauce pans and vandalizing the kitchen stores for raw cassava and sweet potatoe tubes instead of learning the real use of a vernier calipers, for the silly reason that they wanted GTV because all soccer games had been moved away from DSTV, and the poor headmaster gave in, but on the day he procured the set, GTV closed, it’s management disappearing like Micheal Ezra’s dimes!

Campus students are now looking like the civilized lot among all students, having not had a riot in the last 3 months! Congs fellas! Maybe we shall see more first class degree holders this next graduation, as we watch the grad process for 7 days!

The students may not be wrong after all, seeing as everyone else is striking, starting with the Opposition groups who were super pissed they did not get a podium finish after the elections, missing out on holding that famous bible and swearing all sorts of promises they shall never keep! Like “ensuring service delivery by curbing corruption!” They walked to work and were tear gassed back to oblivion till they get more dimes!

Traders felt that they were not getting enough attention, and closed their shops for 2 days, till some of them reached home and saw there were only Ground nuts instead of the usual meat in the main food bowl. They quickly re-opened before we knew weather they had actually been listened to or not. But it seems they didn’t, cause they have promised to shut down for a week if govt doesn’t do something in 2 weeks time. Looks like they are saving up for that protest this time round.

Teachers seem to also be tired of their little lumpen students taking all the shine – as if they are not there! They have promised to lay down their tools, which consist of boxes upon boxes of chalk, in 2 weeks time, if their salaries are not doubled – and then some – from a paltry 200,000 to 460,000 or thereabouts, “our money cant afford firewood anymore, yet our former students are all buying cooking gas and staying in the Bugolobi flats”, one of them was overheard wailing to a government official! They have told them to wait for the next budget, or rather the next Government, if they cant be patient for one more year!

Smelly taxi touts and their caveman uncivilized co-workers, the taxi drivers halted work for 1 day to demand answers from government! They had promised to do 2 days but the brokenness was for CHOGM and World Cup combined. They have since resumed their daily tasks of spreading nasty rotten-egg-like arm pit odor to sassily dressed corporate bu-nankas heading to work, by spreading their arms allover the taxi trying to collect that 1 k note from that charcoal vendor seated at the back! Hope their grievances were solved, because the Samona health and beauty division was given a contract to manufacture more low priced bathing soap this week!

In the meantime, studies have shown that usually it’s broke people that protest, riot and cause mayhem to the rest of the unfairly advantaged world citizens with dimes, so in case you find yourself striking…….just know you may be broke!

As for me, av been on strike (read broke!!!)

Women 'n power!!!

After the lousy opposition miserably and predictably lost the election, only one of them remained sane enough to accept that shit was really tight their sides and conceded defeat, and coincidentally, it was the only woman candidate, a one Beti Olive.

She rode mainly on the federo ticket, some shit we non-voters don’t give a rat’s behind about, and also on the female ticket, “it’s time for the women to have a chance to be on top”, she didn’t intend any pun!

But critically looking at women in power, it just doesn’t seem like the right time. The few that have tried haven’t been that “motherly”, like Margeret Thatcher or almost “on top” Hillary Clinton with their dictatorial tendencies. Even in the damn Bible, chicks are wicked and prostitutional, u wonder what the authors were thinking, let’s examine these extinct bitches!

Eve:

According to the ki holy book, this bitch is single handedly responsible for us going thru bullshit times like elections and Buganda riots, coz the creator was so pissed by the actions of her “handsome baby”, not Winnie’s Besigye, but that “sucker for apples” Adam, that he has since sent all of us humans to “toil till the death and haha like NSSF’s Jamwa"!

The book says that the snake convinced Eve to insist on a chow….i mean, an apple, and it’s her weakness that allowed for her to convince “baby face” Adam into sin, hence our current troubles, but you don’t believe that do ya?? Even my housegirl, if she really wanted, could give me that apple, that’s my weakness bible punk, leave Eve out of it!

Jezebel:

The biggest sex symbol of the ages till Madonna and Janet Jackson showed up! This chick was referred to as a pagan coz she insast on believing in her own gods, and the rituals involved heavy chows that even the Shadow’s angels would shudder. She used this religion to have her political enemies killed (as if she couldn’t charge them with rape or treason) until she herself was disemboweled and fed to a pack of dogs. Nga the bible is violent!!

Bathsheba:

Solomon’s mom didn’t come into the picture after her ballistic son, but rather in a bizarre sexual story before Solomon, but av really hahad this book, it’s for PG 25!!

It was a cool breezy ki afternoon, the day of the week unknown, when King David was strolling in his compound; his eyes then moved over to the fountain at the end of the compound, where a ballistic naked chick was taking a shower. He immediately called his Interior Minister to start tapping her phone, from where he was told she was the wife to one of the army commanders.

He summoned the Chief of Defence and asked for the chick’s husband, a one Uriah, to be immediately deployed at the frontlines of Garamba, from where he was quickly and obviously killed, those machete boys were not fooling!

In consolation, he brought her to his house and married the damn chick, and henceforth stopped her from showering at the fountain, lest some other king, probably the Kimeze chap of Kayunga, spots her ballisticness. But, the chick was preggers with Uriah’s kid, but by some magic, that kid got nipped in the bud, and sent to heaven before the 9 months prescribed time by David’s OBGYNs, so David proceeded and did the damn thing and out came Solomon as the “original first born”. Now that’s sex, intrigue, murder….....as if a ki-nigeria!

Delilah:

This one was described as a philistine prostitute from the start, probably picked up from the Speke Road of the philistine streets. Her intelligence brief, ordered by the torturous ISO garbage of the time was to seduce that Israelite strongman Samson with her ballistic brown-browness so he tells her his secret, just like the snake did to Eve. Nga men we have suffered with chicks!!

That fucker went down, and told her the secret, the bitch hadn’t even asked for dimes!! What gives!!!

With this little history about chicks, Beti Olive thus got 0.15% of the votes!!!

Why he failed to vote!!

Why Olara Otunnu failed to vote:

10 - He got a wife on valentine’s day, it was more important to stay with her.

9 – His lucky red shirt he used on valentine’s day was still dirty, he couldn’t come out.

8 – Like many karimojong, he didn’t know it was voting day.

7 – He thought it was NRM day.

6 – He listened to ALL the candidates, and couldn’t think of who to vote for.

5 – He failed to find Obote’s name on the ballot paper.

4 – His name was on the Luweero register, he has instituted a truth commission.

3 – He thought it was 1980 and Paolo Muwanga would automatically announce UPC as winners.

2 – He woke up and realized Kigundu was still head of the EC!

And the number 1 reason;

1 – He came to his senses and said “Fuck it!!! Who am I kidding!!!”

Election Crap!!

Election crap is back again, a time to test our fears and face our rioters! Some of us are not on that shit, it'll be business as usual until that tear gas canister interupts our good living.

In the meantime, I stumbled upon the "Ghetto Bible", a project some punks are trying to do so as "to get the kids to read the bible", whether it'll work is the wildest guess, but as a sample, they released the 10 commandments, just to see the public's reaction, and here they are;

1. I beez God. Don' beez dissin me wit otha godz.

2. Don' beez makin no hood ornaments like nothin in my crib, anythang upstayrs, orr anythang anywherz elz.

3. Don' beez usin my name 'n a wack way - homey don' play dat.

4. Y'all betta be keepin da sabbathh.

5. Don' dis ya mama ... an if ya know whoz ya daddy beez, don' dis him neither.

6. Don' cap ya bros.

7. Don' cheat on ya babies' mama.

8. Don' be liftin no goods.

9. Don' be lyin an' snitchin on ya homies.

10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin.

I hope to read the rest of it someday, if there are no riots.

Go thee forth and vote wisely, and cause chaos not!

Random stuffs....

It’s the season for bills, and implementing them. First was the king’s bill, which was implemented urgently like a vaccine for yellow fever, yellow being NRM! Then the bastards at KCC, tired of the little dimes sent for them to eat in the guise of fixing roads, have unlash a ki new bill that’s going to mesmerize the ordinary citizen.

The trade / licensing instrument of 2009 is now in effect, and a booklet of like 20 pages is out, naming the amounts to be paid by various businesses, and trust these chaps, they have missed NO ONE.

In order not to confuse chaps, they have Supermarket (large) and Supermarket (other), it’s up to you to figure. These bastards have also added on “circus show”, 60 thou a year, just in case “Akef circus” returns after Mubarak has been eventually toppled. (or maybe they want to fine those clowns at Amarula family for holding circuses disguised as comedy shows, and Pablo too)

As for these biznesses, brace yourselves, u are being watched;

“bread seller, tailor, wheelbarrow pusher (20k), saucepan repairer (30k), pocorn making machine (40k), stamp makers, website designing (wonder how they’ll find these ones in their homes and cars), pool table (60k), herbal/local medicine (100k), mineral dealers (including those that have been “recovered from muzungus” in an accident), bridal salon (180k), are these that many……….a list of 156 can’t be exhausted here.

Speaking of “Akef Circus”, y’all rememba those clowns (they really are) in the early 90’s that came over from Cairo (and disrupted our show of “hands off my car” on UTV) and ended up crashing their makeshift roller coaster before fleeing down south? Well they remind one of Hosni Mubarak, that chap that is almost being toppled.

Hosni, the 82 year old living mummy says he is so fed up of the presidency, but if he dares leave, there shall be widespread chaos in Egypt! But now, what can we call what is happening there right now? I never want to reach 82! Never to see clearly!

Hosni has been calling on African leaders to find a solution on “how to really cling to power”, and these were some of the responses;

Mugabe: “Fella, I was once your age and had the exact same situation, just look for the lead bugger and make him Executive VP”

Kibaki: “Same here bro, it’s hard being old”

Mandela: “Just quit!”

Kaunda: “Listen to Nelson, there’s life out there for we living mummies”

Kagu: “It depends…..are u a revolutionary?? No!!! Fella, am with Nelson on this one, Quit!”

Mswati: “Man, just hand over to Hosni W. Mubarak Gamal, we still do that here!”

Omar El Bashir: “Declare yourself “the last pharaoh bitch”

Zuma: “u raped who??? Oh, that, sorry bro, never really been in that situation!”

But if u also gave me 20 million every other election, just for just, I just may join politrix!!