The Holidays!!

The holidays, as they call them (well it’s just 1 bloody week, that’s like leave) mean that we get to spend very precious seconds (about a trillion of them) away from those nut-cases, aka bosses!

The last time I was with a member of this species (Bosses), the punk had told me (after requesting to be off till Feb 3^rd, it’s the HOLIDAYS goddamit!!) “Younga man, when I was yo age (they always try to be philosophical), I loved my work, which is why I have climbed the ladder to get where I am, there was no time to rest. Bill Gates once said, at a conference in San Fransisco (like it matters where the hell he said whatever the hell he was going to say), a man’s wealth is measured by the time he spends on increasing the value of his resource (Okay first, that was some bullshit, makes no damn sense, and second, Bill Gates only talks about micro-chips and shit!), in other words son, I need you back here on 27^th Dec at 8am, not 7.55, not 8.05, but 8. And remember, you are entitled to my opinion!” Punk!

So the precious seconds are spent watching movies and avoiding relatives, what with their same bullshit of;

“Ehhh, hello, long time”

(Yeah, long time indeed, what’s the answer to that greeting)

“Well done”

(What’s the answer to that as well)?

“Merry Christmas and happy new year!”

(Ahhhh whatever!!)

So you avoid those characters coz of the monotony of the same greeting, and settle for the telly where non-stop movies with a Christmas theme are order of the day, like the movie of a chap who “hated Christmas” but by the end of it, he loves it! (yawn yawn)

However there will always be an American movie, where those selfish capitalist war-mongering punks will always try to convince us how “bad” they are. Like that 1997 movie Red Corner by Richard Gere where the chap is a businessman in China, just like these chaps here in Kikuubo that own Supermarkets, then he gets in some shit in China and has police chasing him down the streets after he has disarmed a chap that was trying to kill him in a cab, so he somehow gets his ass on top of a shanky buiding (or is it hut, it’s China in a US movie u know) then he sees an American flag about 7 buildings away (shanty ones at that) and makes a run for it, never mind he still had handcuffs tight on his wrists, and he probably saw a Ugandan flag just next to him but didn’t give a damn about the stupid thing.

Long story short, he jumps over the roofs, and runs all the way to the “mighty empire” embassy and jumps down the road! What? U said what? Broken legs? Oh no, remember the bit of “he’s American?”, okay, so he jumped down, dislocated his shoulder, grabbed it and popped it back then raced to the gate of the embassy where they opened the gates for him. And no, ALL the motorbikes that were chasing him for some reason appeared to be moving soo bloody fast, but they just couldn’t get this handcuffed chap, those silly Chinese, or rather, those super ballistic Americans!

The Unit (a series) didn’t fare any better (in my books, even though they clearly don’t matter), well these guys had their friend kidnapped in Iraq, and like a thousand angry “insurgents” ready with camcorders and blackberrys to film this guy and post the stuff on youtube, asking for a million or so dollars, and for the unconditional pulling out of US troops from Iraq, and oh, a bonus request for Israel to end the Gaza siege the second they view this clip. But since these are just a thousand gun wielding angry Iraqis, the Americans just need to send 5 of their “black hit squad SWAT team”, and to our amazement, they rescue the guy – and kill 999 guys, they just leave one to tell the story to the entire country, and to their kids, grand kids and great grand kids – DON’T MESS WITH AMERICANS, even if its just 1 chap!

Long story shorter, much shorter, I settled for a weird series from India, named “Mumbai calling”, a call center in India serving calls for chaps in the UK. One of the call center agents got a call from “Wembley”, the guy wanted to know the specifics of the latest phone, Indian chap goes; “it’s got 2G, 3G and the Bee gees, plus it has Blue tooth, Red eye and Brown nose” Well, u get the point, yaar! No? (that’s how Indians speak) “It’s very hott outside, no?!”

How to get an Xmas break of 2 weeks!!

One of the disadvantages of having a laptop with easy access to the net (wireless) is that every time the TV gets annoying (which is like every second an ad shows), we resort to the net for a distraction, and end up posting a thought or two before returning to ads, that’s my excuse, what about all the fellas that can’t keep their paws off facebook??

It’s probably Monday, and you are back in that boring workplace, but it’s cool today, coz the boss is off till 4^th Jan, so you had to drag yo ass to work ‘stead o ‘im!! So, I am here today to give you tips on how “you , yes you, can be the boss, and get 2 weeks off next time!”

There is some Ugandan so-called motivational speaker, Muhe…something, annoying bugger that wears lip gloss, has books all over the counter shelves of Aristoc and writes a “motivational” column in the Monitor. To hell with that bugger!! What is he saying that we haven’t heard already, “follow yo dreams??” that is so cliché.

I am therefore organising this “webinar”, which shouldn’t be confused with a certain luganda word. I will be here selling 30 tickets and a certain pastor we all know (names withheld because we all know the name) shall pay for all of them thinking the offer is some other crazy shit, so its “seminar” on the web, pastor!

So, here is what you need to do to give yourself that oomph, that confidence to be a manager;

10 – You like not doing anything, just be at yo desk typing posts on your facebook wall and updating your profile picture, then once in a while check on yo employees.

9 – You don’t think of “plan” as a 4 letter word, it’s a process goddamit!

8 – You have no trouble telling others what to do.

7 – Work fascinates you – you can sit and watch it for hours.

6 – You like “sweating the small stuff”, and giving “attention to detail”

5 – Your favourite line is “what would branson do?”

4 – Your Bible is “Rich Dad’s cash flow quadrant”

3 – Your favourite horror writer is Donald Trump

2 – Your breakfast is an orange and a pineapple slice

1 – And the big one, the job getter – You enjoy having people despise you for just doing yo job!!

Once you have these qualities, you are ready to have a 2 week Christmas break!

*bits copied from some book I was perusing!

Floetry in Pint-ville!!

I walked all the way to a bar

To be fair, it wasn’t that far

My first order was for food

They said it wasn’t that good

Coz all they had in the kitchen

Was nuttin but bones of chicken

I instead settled for a Bell

Though the last time I drank it I fell

And that story I’ll never tell

For it makes me feel like hell

On seconds I may tell is as well

Since its quite a pretty tale

Twas a beautiful Monday morning

All Christians were still in mourning

Their saviour had died that Friday

Resurrected and disappeared that Sunday

This Monday was still an Easter

I walked to the bar and asked the Mister

For a Bell and ice cold Twister

He gave me a crate of Bell to drink

Till my head span and stopped to think

I tried to leave but tripped on the chairs

Fell all the way down the concrete stairs

Drunkards just watched me agape in stares

I thought it should only be fair

If they could also fall and the pain we share

So today am getting another pint

Hoping I won’t fall like the last night!

Christmas Blues!!

Whoever invented the internet, and the laptop with wi-fi connectivity, bless em, and may their birthdays be re-named “the REAL Christmas”, not this other BS! (Funny, the day is so “Holy” cant get my rotten oblongata to type BS in full!)

Anyway, if it weren’t for youtube and time to post a few rumblings up in here, this would have been a day as ordinary as the last 20 christmas days or so we have peacefully enjoyed since the post election violence of the Luwero jungles. It is so cliché, that today’s happenings allover Ug are as predictable as this;

24^th Dec – Little boys from the Naguru slums shall be moving up and down carrying branches off Balsam Fir trees, the real name for the christamas trees here, which by the way serve 2 purposes, coz on the 1^st of January, residents of Arua light them up and run while dragging them on the roads such that the flying embers create “fireworks”. The Naguru boys sell each “tree” at say 3k bucks. Posers and corporate buggers that have just received Christmas bonuses in the amount of “their monthly gross salary” shall be seen over-filling the Game Stores parking lot to procure an artificial plastic Christmas tree, with decorations to match.

Midnight 24^th – Very religious chaps shall be seen trekking to Christ the King church where they shall be lining up to kiss the feet of that Jesus statue that imposes it’s presence over the believers. Others will be seen queuing at the statue of Mary, which is protected by a gate, and just holding on to the gate in a spiritual trance. The rest of us, who be going there due to “family pressure”, were saved by the genius that opened a bar at the car wash / parking lot of the church! We strongly adhere to the core principles of seventh day absenteeism.

23^rd – The rest of the chaps pile up at bus stations, although the luckier ones opt to service their cars at the nearest gas station and head to the village to remind the rural folk there what it means to live a good life. Chaps be chilling as the village folk run over themselves to impress the “summers” from the city, by fetching water and dressing in their new-ish t-shirts, so they could probably get a coin or so from these rich city folk!

25^th – D Day! One is left pondering what all the fuss was about in the first place. The city gets virtually empty, a bad day for street beggars and pineapple sellers at traffic lights, they usually stay home cursing this God fella and his son’s birthday. DVD hawkers and boda boda chaps in their wisdom, go to churches to try and earn something. The boda chaps go to transport (and kill a few believers in the process in accidents) while the DVD fellaz be hawking the story of Moses, Jesus and Ben Hur. Speakin of which, who the hell is this Ben Hur fella? Never heard o’ im in Exodus, Leviticus or any another story from the Authors of the world’s bestseller, the Holy one.

25^th – Again! Chaps be eagerly awaiting the soccer game that’s going to show. In the village, they first go to church late, but being the dime-laden characters they be, they are ALWAYS offered a bench at the front, where a poor family is usually and hastily evicted to take their broke asses to the back, or better yet just leave the church premises altogether, “I mean, how much tithe are they shoving in the basket goddamit!!” At bout 6pm or so, they head to the nearest hotel and force the manager to cut the Boney M BS (there it goes again) they have been playing for their usual customers, and switch on Supersport 3, coz Man U is on, punk!

25th – Uganda’s biggest network, if we are to actually believe their words, will show “Sound of Music”, at exactly 3.30 pm. Before that, u will be bored, ALMOST to death, by “Christmas Carols from Our Lady of Council Sister’s Choir”, where the sound of the piano will drive you to almost breaking up the TV set, but since you haven’t “hang” with the parents all year, u just cut yo losses! At 5.30 pm, they will screen “Roots”, again, for the 50^th time, and when that “tape” starts chewing on itself, they will quickly bring out the “Shaka Zulu” re-run! At 9pm, ALL the networks will air the day's news, and guess the first story........"32 babies were born on Christmas day, at Nsambya hospital, 12 babies were born, including 3 triplets and 2 twins"....3 triplets and 2 twins????

26^th – Boxing day - Who buys presents in Africa? Well, this day is supposed to be the day when chaps open up the gifts they received, but as u may or may not realise, chaps here only buy Christmas Cards!! That’s just about it! This is one free day to relax.

So anyways, there goes anatha day, with no sense whatsoever, except for all ye chaps that be working ssoooooooo extremely hard all year round, this is yo ka chance to meet up with the folks!

Time for UBC!

Xmas Break!!

Happy Holidays to all ye chaps that have been giving me backup up in here (Ms Drama, Ashy), and the rest of you buggers I keep meeting and you be like “that was some crazy shit you posted today” and I just be in shock “you mean you know my shit??? Now, pay for these pints if you don’t mind!”

Lets cap off this year, before the dreaded campaign season begins, and FDC chaps start throwing stones all over again! Let’s resume from September.

Septmeber, this was filled by a surge in ritual murders by chaps looking for a quick dime by chopping off little boys parts for sacrifice to their gods. Chicks were seen rushing their young ones to Salon Sparrows to get their ears pierced and rings in far to reach areas, so they could not be sacrificed in case they were kidnapped while playing “mommy and daddy” in the old and un-used dilapidated building outside Buganda Road P School.

7 Ugandan cricketers saw the light (and snow, and skyscrapers, and dimes, and fly-overs too) and ran off from their team mates after playing a tourney in Canada, they are currently cleaning shit off old people and throwing out the garbage from homes.

Kony Rebels moved to the CAR, a country near Sudan, and mutilated chaps like they used to do here in our backyard. These chaps don’t need visas and air tickets to move within Africa it seems, and we don’t really know why they have beef with CAR.

Sep 30^th, Kabaka Mutebi and HE M7 finally met at State House to drink some chai and talk about how to probably share power. It was all plastic smiles and dishonest handshakes as the 2 moved around watching their backs to see if any knife had been drawn for a final stab! We, the confused and scared chaps still have no clue what these 2 guys yapped about, but it was probably about the new upcoming movie “Avatar”, because even Mwenda still doesnt know anything!

October 7^th, Somalia’s junior Defence Minister was arrested on suspicion that he was going to blow up a few things here and there, until they clarified he was on an assignment! He probably looked like some chap on the wanted list, THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE!

15^TH, the gay bill which has rocked the world (except Uganda) was introduced in parliament. Blokes ranging from US Prez and even the Pope, were heard opposing it, coz the bill said gay chaps should be hang, and probably shot after they had died, just to be sure their ghosts don’t hang around town! The Famous Pastor who had issues turning water into wine, hasn’t yet commented on this touchy issue, but we are as if sure of his comments!

Somali terrorists threatened to send Ugandans to heaven (or hell) earlier than anticipated, by blowing them up to minced meat, and probably feeding them to Marabou Stork. This was due to their being pissed at Uganda’s continued presence in their not-so gifted by nature territory! Uganda’s president responded that “he has fought many battles and won, and this too!!”

Nov 10^th, General Kazini was clobbered to death, by a mere woman! This is not chauvinist, but this chick wasn’t even a Private for Pete’s sake! Apparently he was beating her up! Lydia Draru, the killer chick, had come out of her house to announce to her neighbours how she killed the General. She was probably wailing “excuse me, excuse me, anyone who can hear, I interrupt your morning programmes with this special announcement, I HAVE KILLED HIM, now that was it, you can return to normal programming!”

14^th, announcement by nudist employers Zain that R Kelly, that other star of his own nude show, although his show had a 3rd co-star, urine, shall be performing in Kampala next year. Big Deal!

23^rd, Land Bill passed, and all this despite the little cups of tea shared by the big men sometime in October. Taxpayers dimes spent on teabags and tea spoons went to waste when this bill was passed despite it being a “big issue” at the meet.

December is still on, only a fool would do a roundup yet we still aint done yet, but since I am a fool, well, what the heck, let me be a different one for now!

Blending in the Cultures!!

There will always be cultural and political differences whenever you move to a new community, like if you live in Kampala, then you go see those ancestors in Katawki, u will be pissed when they keep feeding you shit, like there is no food where you’ve been; grandma first brings roasted maize, “take yis wanu, its veye chweet…” she fumbles trying to speak through her toothless gums (harsh??? shya, we shall also get there, leave mi alone), sori folks, that was my conscience telling me its usual un-called for bullshit!!

Before the last grain is off the roasted maize cob, grandma than walks in with a steaming dish (metallic stuff from the 1980 steel factory that still existed) of boiled potatoes and half cooked beans, with large salt crystals still showing on the beans. The food comes and at first glance, you think its some sizzling pork from Faze 2, kumbe they open it and the steam sends you to a temporary daze, like some rugby chap that just got knocked the f*** out! Your stuff of “am full” falls on deaf ears, and I don’t mean that grandma doesn’t want to hear it, but SHE’S DEAF GODDAMIT!! (Piss off conscience, but we shall get deaf too).

Anyway, before u know it, grandma gets those bu boys that usually live with her, probably rejects from one of her useless sons that didn’t have a dime to purchase a condom, and tells them to dress up they are going to church to pray for that guy that lives 3 hills away from them, who died of ringworms, and this is when you know that Global Fund dimes actually kill people when stolen.

The kids come out dressed to kill, with a t-shirt written on “G Unit” and khaki shorts that you sent to the village when you were done with Kitante Primary School, and “Umoja” slippers, only worn when going to church! (F* Off conscience, we may get broke too!)

Seeing village life opens your mind (however silly it may be) to the fact that life has so many dimensions! Which is why its very hard for one to move cities, or villages for that matter.

Our young brothers in Kigali (A fatwa may be issued on my ass for typing that) are so different it may take a full year before one actually settles in (depending on one’s social index projections) coz these guy’s don’t play around. If you drive around, you MUST have a fire extinguisher in yo car!! If that stuff applied in Kla, guys would be emptying their extinguisher powder on boda boda guys that be riding like roaches fleeing from doom!

You must also have a reflector, incase you run out of fuel and yo car is stuck in the road. Here, we just go to the nearest tree, gather some branches off it and spread them a meter from the car. If it gets dark and you don’t see these leaves, sorry but the accident that you will cause will mean I get to have company as I wait to be towed away!

For those that want to get married, Kigali is it! There are few places for “clando” activities, plus, there’s only 850,000 inhabitants of the city, compared to Kla’s 3 milli, so everyone knows yo stray ass. If you don’t have dimes to fly her to Kla once in a while (the clando chick), STAY ON ONE NETWORK PUNK!!

The pint life however is ballistic, for the first week. To be more precise, Kigali is like Bugolobi, so assume you are new in Bugos. The first night, you will be blasting at Catch the Sun, like a problem, you will wish you never went back. The next day, you kick off early at Gabs, it gets boring, so you go to Zone 7, and you meet half the guys that were at Catch the Sun, then day 3, you hit Bead For life, and get excited how there are “many places” to hang, then you finally move to Bamboo Nest on Day 4, by this time you have been meeting the same chick, and you think you like her!

Day 5, “erm, Paul, where haven’t we been yet?”

“Sorry bro, but that’s all the places, back to Catch the Sun now”

So if you work there, remember that afore-mentioned chick that you liked? Now, marry her, coz if you stray at Bead For life, her friends will “report on you!”

(No offence Kigali chaps, but It is wat it is!! Happy Holidays PUNKS!)

Road trip to Kigali!!

The journey itself is freakin bullshitty, depending on how you get there, lets use the bus scenario.

Time check, well, there is no more time check, these days buses leave throughout day and night, but the 9am trip is the hardest. Chaps leave right on time (the only thing that’s probably done on time in East Africa), and when you get to Nateete, u be praying there is no riot for some shit.

The road to Kabale, the worst stretch of 500 km land known to man, is so fucked up, being on this bus is the same as being on a roller coaster, just that this roller coaster lasts 7 hours or so. Thankfully, these buses don’t stop by the roadside, so that smelly hawkers with expired biscuits and boiled eggs don’t jump onto the bus to sell their crappy un-healthy stuff to these passengers, those things are for the weak buses.

Nigerian movies show on these metal transporting devices, aka buses, and they put the volume so loud, you find farmers lining up by the roadside to atleast watch a 30 second clip of the movie as the bus whizzes by them, they return to mulching their yam gardens as they wait for the next bus! We chaps that be posing with i-pods, loaded with 300 of the hardest ol school jams, don’t get to listen to them coz this movie volume is louder than the earphones goddamit!

The boarder, hussle. U get out and all the 60 other passengers are lined up at the immigration place, the sun is so hot but u gots to stand with chaps and brave the heat. Some old woman from Congo will always come up with her immigration form and ask u to fill it , coz she cant write, all she does is give u her passport, and smile.

Enter the office, and these stamp-wielding big bellied civil servants be drinking black tea, with half a doughnut on the side plate, and a copy of the day’s newspaper half open, he looks at yo passport, looks at you, like you owe him some dimes, then lazily stamps the thing and throws it back at ya “I just did u a favour u little punk, now move along”, he seems to say!

No man’s land, 100 chaps following you with foreign currency and small calculators “my rate is better, how much do you have”, these chaps look like buzzing blue flies from a latrine, one wishes he had doom to spray them off!

After the pleasantries of having the passport stamped by the Rwanda chaps (they are an equally boring bunch like their Uganda counterparts), you head to the bus, where EVERYTHING has been removed from the bus, these chaps don’t play. U be like in a court house heading to jail as u all line up to re-enter the bus and point out yo lugguage, the chap opens it and checks virtually EVERYTHING in the bag. Any polythene bag is emptied, the contents dropped on the road, so you have to pick them up.

Some chick, bambi, had her bu panties and a few tampons thrown to the ground, she almost fainted with embarrassment, now that chap who was vibing her had lost the steam! After this humiliation, you are allowed to proceed.

Kigali is too quiet for the average chap that has lived in the rest of East Africa, we guys go crazy till morning, in Kigs however, u can have police come to your house at midnight and tell you to shut down the party, “it’s too noisy at this time!”. There are like 6 or so clubs or bars or hangouts, which can be a total blast if you are chilling here for like a week, that’s a bar a day.

The freedom to talk shit is still limited, owing to the events of the recent past, tempers can still flare and chaps unleash the un-forgotten anger that is still ebbing in their souls, thus a repeat of the 1994 occurrence, so even I am scared to type some shit, some security chap may be playing with google and lands on my shit, and this will be the last post!!

So, due to the circumstances mentioned above, I will say;

My, this country is TOO ballistic, there are NO potholes, there are BALLISTIC people, the police are VERY nice, the bars close in time so we go home and sleep instead of being a nuisance, the town is ORGANISED, and I will tell EVERYBODY about it!!

Over n out!!