Gotta love movies on a stray Monday afternoon (u have to forget work for a while, who the hell loves work anyways?). Chaps that write this shit are just too imaginative u wish you would watch a movie the whole day (and not who killed Captain Alex…wololololololo).
Watching “Heat”, the 1995 crime movie, police on the hunt for the bad guys, one of the guys who has been trailed for the most part of the day gets on the phone to the other guy and goes;
“man u gotta watch yo back, the feds are so onto me like a cheap suit…” and it sure does remind you of some knock off CK jean that just couldn’t let go of your skin.
Although most old (30 year old buggers) pretend not to watch cartoons (not today’s, those suck) but am talkin’ bout the looney toons, some of these guys had one liners that just crack you up, like the chicken Foghorn Leghorn;
“This boy’s as confused as a feather in a whirlwind…”
“This boy’s as strong as an ox….and just about as smart”
“That girl’s like the road between Fortworth and Dallas…….no curves!!”
“Some days it don’t pay to get outta bed”
“What’s the matter with you, you look like 2 miles of bad road!!”
“Are you alright son, I keep hearing the most terrifying sounds in there!”
“You’ve gotta be a magician to keep a kid’s attention more than 2 minutes nowadays”
“That dog’s busier than a centipede at a toe-countin’ contest…”
“That boy’s just like a tattoo….gets under yo skin”
“That boy’s as timid as a rodent at a cat-show!”
The mafia movies though have memorable quotes for the bad-ass-ness they potray those chaps;
“I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse”
”You talkin’ to me”
“This isn’t personal kay, this is business!”
“I took the liberty of bullshittin you!”
“Men should be like Kleenex…soft, strong and disposable!” (chick to a bunch of chaps)
“Your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash!”
“That’s classified, if I tell you, I’ll have to kill you”
“Sucking all the bone marrow out of life doesn’t mean chocking on the bone”
“You seem somewhat familiar….have I threatened you before?”
That’s too damn serious for my liking, back to my favorite chaps, Sanford and Son (Redd Foxx) and Richard Pryor, and the favorite one liners, first Mr Foxx;
“The food here is so tasteless…u could eat a meal of it and belch, and it wouldn’t remind u of anything!”
“I am 65, my friends’ say I look 55, I feel 45, I’ll settle for 35, but u make me feel 25!”
“Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone!”
“A girl’s legs are her best friends, but the best of friends eventually have to part..”
“She’s got TB…..Terrific Body!”
“Let me tell you something. If you ain't outta here by the time I count to three I'm gonna take this crutch and wrap it around your head so many times you'd think you were wearing a wooden turban!”
“Employment officer: What’s yo education background?
Sanford: Well I was working towards my PhD but didn’t quite make it!
Employment Officer: Well how far did you get?
Sandford: About the 10th Grade!!”
Richard Pryor:
“I went to Zimbabwe…I know how white people feel in America now, relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren’t coming after me!”
“I believe in the institution of marriage and I intend to keep trying till I get it right!”
“He was doin a sentence.....triple life! How do you do triple life? He has to die and come back and go to prison? F*****n kindergarten, get your little ass back to the penitentiary!”
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings…..and lawyers!”
“You don’t f**k with double muslims, coz they can't wait to get to Allah, and they always take 8-12 people with them!”
“Slaves built all the shit down here…..or carried the shit that built it!”
“I’m not addicted to coke, I just love the way it smells. I couldn’t stop, I put the pipe down, it jumped back right at me!”
And that’s just about it!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
No title...(i fear those google ads that come with it)
Yes “anonymous”, I have been “outside countries”, just here in Kigali, but since I parted with 360$ for a bullshit 40 minute ride, I can also pose that I was outside countries! We really are low developed countries. Those tea drinkers at the UN in their free time should add one more objective in the MDG’s, “buy a serious plane for your freakin national airline, u poor Africans”.
These Rwanda Air chaps have a plane that has propellers, some shit I saw in God’s must be crazy! Who still flies this shit! Before the damn thing can kick start the engine, some chap starts rotating the propeller blades till they catch momentum then the engine kicks off. And the in-flight entertainment is an instruction manual of “where to find the floaters in case shit goes down!”
And why do plane chaps scare the wits out of passengers before take off?
“Sir, u are seated at the emergency window, are u sure u can handle the requirements…..well good, now we shall be flying over water so in case we crash we shall land in the water, first look outside to make sure there are no obstacles then lift this door as instructions show, after that, you are required to stand on the wing and help ALL other passengers off the plane, but first, get your emergency floater from beneath the seat!”
“Who the hell you think I am?? The damn pilot!!! I thought he gets everyone off!!”
Of course after this scare, all we need is a beer to help us forget, but no, not this eagle air look-alike! Juice and water, if u don’t want, jump out the emergency window bitch!!
So much for all that dime!
Anywho, back to the ballisticness of Kla, and the theatrics contune!
A mayoral candidate of some obscure part of town you don’t give a rat’s dirty behind about got “kidnapped”. He must be cursing his gods (yep, the small buggers that drove him to pull this one off) for the media treated the whole farce like a true one-man circus, using apostrophes for serious words like “kidnapped” and “missing”. We got tired of this kidnap bullshit when a movie “director” got “kidnapped” 2 days before the release of his lousy flick, only to turn up “tied by ropes” at a railway crossing, knowing too damn well the last train that worked here was in 1951, too convenient if u asked. His movie went on to flop and his name disappeared like a government commission of inquiry report! And hopefully so will this candidate....who mysteriously "appeared at a police station covered in blood, because one of his captors "punched" him".
In other sides, advertisers have continued to collude with telecom “giants” to rip us off by continuously lying to us only to be awaken from our broke slumber a tad bit late. The buggers at MTN have been advertising 1/= per second, u would think you have finally arrived to the promised land of super savings on airtime and super diverting that dime to the sexual network (I know u would).
Airtime bought and sim card procured, u proceed to make that 59 second call before you are rudely interrupted and cut off like a half-complete building falling in the city center! These bastards then tell u “oh, u didn’t know?? Ok it’s 1/= per second alright, but only for the first 4 seconds. The rest is back to the normal programming of the usual 450 bucks a minute, starting from the 5th second……soriiiii!!!”
MTN, keeping u connected….or is it disconnected!!
3rd time name changers (as if divorced and re-married chicks) Zain have taken the sexual network of partners to a level last seen since King Mswati married his 13th chick, just last month! After a bitter divorce with that hoodlum Celtel who ripped us off in 1995 with huge brick phones of 2 million bucks and calls at 3 thou a minute, they brought in Wyclef Jean to perform at their wedding ceremony with Zain. After not even 3 years, they decided that Zain was impotent, and the bastard wasn’t circumcised, so they married Airtel and pronounced him yesterday and their new name change! Get off the sexual network, u buggers!
Well I wouldn’t mind these chaps, the real chaps to be shot are the guys doing these day’s ads. These things are more nauseating than a Celine Dion hit song! The chaps that do the Warid thing with a nagging campuser (or so we assume) always asking where her chap has reached;
“honey, where are you???”
“am in a traffic jam…”
“eh eh…nga I cant hear the traffic man, tell him to blow his whistle…”
“Officer………”
Bullshit chick, after telling the guy to blow the whistle, she then calls and asks the incompetent bugger to hoot to confirm he is on his way, then that? Who would want to give his chick his Warid number if this is the shit she will be doing? Guys, style up. UTL not wanting to be outdone in the “worst ad ever” bandwagon, unlash a nursery rhyme that can make u wish their licence was cancelled, and it goes;
“One croc-dyylo beat a telephone….”
Anyway, some crap like that, it’s so embarrassing even to type out the whole thing, but what the heck, who cares right?
In more interesting news though, the campaigns are going unexpectedly smoothly this time round. Journalists from CNN and the BBC are super pissed they have no usual African violence shit to report. No guys pangaring themselves or destroying plantations, well, that’s at least for now (Indians are already scuttling to the safety of the kibera slums), hope the status quo remains and these journalists go back where they belong.
As for the promises, true to political comedy…the railway will be fixed, just like that, federal governance for all, pay rise for every living thing in Ug, loans to students, scrapping pay as you earn for those below 400,000 (that’s MANY of us), inquiries into the 1935 massacres of blacks by the colonialists, and oh, the 1986 ones too (u all know who this is, he of the disbanding the electoral commission, fuck free education and good health, only the commission matters now)….if only promises would come true, elections should be everyday.
These Rwanda Air chaps have a plane that has propellers, some shit I saw in God’s must be crazy! Who still flies this shit! Before the damn thing can kick start the engine, some chap starts rotating the propeller blades till they catch momentum then the engine kicks off. And the in-flight entertainment is an instruction manual of “where to find the floaters in case shit goes down!”
And why do plane chaps scare the wits out of passengers before take off?
“Sir, u are seated at the emergency window, are u sure u can handle the requirements…..well good, now we shall be flying over water so in case we crash we shall land in the water, first look outside to make sure there are no obstacles then lift this door as instructions show, after that, you are required to stand on the wing and help ALL other passengers off the plane, but first, get your emergency floater from beneath the seat!”
“Who the hell you think I am?? The damn pilot!!! I thought he gets everyone off!!”
Of course after this scare, all we need is a beer to help us forget, but no, not this eagle air look-alike! Juice and water, if u don’t want, jump out the emergency window bitch!!
So much for all that dime!
Anywho, back to the ballisticness of Kla, and the theatrics contune!
A mayoral candidate of some obscure part of town you don’t give a rat’s dirty behind about got “kidnapped”. He must be cursing his gods (yep, the small buggers that drove him to pull this one off) for the media treated the whole farce like a true one-man circus, using apostrophes for serious words like “kidnapped” and “missing”. We got tired of this kidnap bullshit when a movie “director” got “kidnapped” 2 days before the release of his lousy flick, only to turn up “tied by ropes” at a railway crossing, knowing too damn well the last train that worked here was in 1951, too convenient if u asked. His movie went on to flop and his name disappeared like a government commission of inquiry report! And hopefully so will this candidate....who mysteriously "appeared at a police station covered in blood, because one of his captors "punched" him".
In other sides, advertisers have continued to collude with telecom “giants” to rip us off by continuously lying to us only to be awaken from our broke slumber a tad bit late. The buggers at MTN have been advertising 1/= per second, u would think you have finally arrived to the promised land of super savings on airtime and super diverting that dime to the sexual network (I know u would).
Airtime bought and sim card procured, u proceed to make that 59 second call before you are rudely interrupted and cut off like a half-complete building falling in the city center! These bastards then tell u “oh, u didn’t know?? Ok it’s 1/= per second alright, but only for the first 4 seconds. The rest is back to the normal programming of the usual 450 bucks a minute, starting from the 5th second……soriiiii!!!”
MTN, keeping u connected….or is it disconnected!!
3rd time name changers (as if divorced and re-married chicks) Zain have taken the sexual network of partners to a level last seen since King Mswati married his 13th chick, just last month! After a bitter divorce with that hoodlum Celtel who ripped us off in 1995 with huge brick phones of 2 million bucks and calls at 3 thou a minute, they brought in Wyclef Jean to perform at their wedding ceremony with Zain. After not even 3 years, they decided that Zain was impotent, and the bastard wasn’t circumcised, so they married Airtel and pronounced him yesterday and their new name change! Get off the sexual network, u buggers!
Well I wouldn’t mind these chaps, the real chaps to be shot are the guys doing these day’s ads. These things are more nauseating than a Celine Dion hit song! The chaps that do the Warid thing with a nagging campuser (or so we assume) always asking where her chap has reached;
“honey, where are you???”
“am in a traffic jam…”
“eh eh…nga I cant hear the traffic man, tell him to blow his whistle…”
“Officer………”
Bullshit chick, after telling the guy to blow the whistle, she then calls and asks the incompetent bugger to hoot to confirm he is on his way, then that? Who would want to give his chick his Warid number if this is the shit she will be doing? Guys, style up. UTL not wanting to be outdone in the “worst ad ever” bandwagon, unlash a nursery rhyme that can make u wish their licence was cancelled, and it goes;
“One croc-dyylo beat a telephone….”
Anyway, some crap like that, it’s so embarrassing even to type out the whole thing, but what the heck, who cares right?
In more interesting news though, the campaigns are going unexpectedly smoothly this time round. Journalists from CNN and the BBC are super pissed they have no usual African violence shit to report. No guys pangaring themselves or destroying plantations, well, that’s at least for now (Indians are already scuttling to the safety of the kibera slums), hope the status quo remains and these journalists go back where they belong.
As for the promises, true to political comedy…the railway will be fixed, just like that, federal governance for all, pay rise for every living thing in Ug, loans to students, scrapping pay as you earn for those below 400,000 (that’s MANY of us), inquiries into the 1935 massacres of blacks by the colonialists, and oh, the 1986 ones too (u all know who this is, he of the disbanding the electoral commission, fuck free education and good health, only the commission matters now)….if only promises would come true, elections should be everyday.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
All work and no pray.......(ignore that ad up there)
In case you thought priests were the only chaps that worked on Sundays (yet their boss rested on this day), u sure were wrong. A larger number of us are beginning to work on Sundays so don’t be super shocked when yo boss asks you for that precious Sunday to come in and polish up on that presentation to the board. In fact, u expect others to work, so why not you….and here are the “others” that work on Sunday;
Rolex sellers;
Coporatal chaps these days drink till morning (my advise to them is to go jump of a roof if they are looking for a faster way to kill themselves). They usually drive off at 6am and head straight to that rolex guy for that much needed fix, before they go home, sleep and return to the bar on a Sunday evening on that bullshit of “man we pushed till morna, it was 7 in the cocks when I walked out..….man we were super baalaaazzzedddd!!” These factors have created jobs on Sunday mornings for Sula’s competitors. And trust these guy’s street smarts, there is now a rolex with katogo in it, wa’gwan!!
Fake pastors;
These chaps are super busy on Sunday sowing seeds of empty after-life promises to unsuspecting members of the congregation who would not have lost their dimes if they had drunk ‘til 7 in the cocks’, and would only have spent 3k bucks on a katogo rolex other than the car log book and land title they have promised “Evangelist Apostle X” for that last spot in heaven (and a visa to the US while at it, and oh, a passport too before u 4get sir pastor)!
Service Industry employees;
From Cineplex to all shopping malls, Sunday is no rest day, that Sabbath shit of “respect the resting day” ended on that exam paper of CRE, of PLE. Nga u can see bu smart chicks climbing taxis at 7am and u think we are such a religious society, until the taxi passes the road going up to Christ the King Church and stops at Nandos where the bu chicks step off and head to Dominoes or Mateos and organize the aprons for work. Bosses who refuse to work on Sunday then stroll in and start yelling at the poor bu chicks “Customer is king”, fuck off u lazy boss, at least she woke up to work, cut her some slack, this ain’t yo office bitch, u are no king here!
Street Vendors;
For some reason, people be bored to death on Sundays, there is nothing to do at home. TV stations show live proceedings of church services / masses (as if they think we don’t know where the churches are) while radio stations play gospel music (as if they think we don’t know where the churches are). The only alternative is to buy newspapers or movies (for a standard 1 thou). These vendors be walking around with baggage on their hands you would think they were created to be forklifts, then Jah changed his mind, he said “fuck it, let it be a human”. Their arms be bursting with veins that look like chain saws as they carry around that mass heap of merchandise, even garbage trucks do less mugging work than these guys.
Telcom Engineers / Switch attendants;
These guys usually pint at Silk but do not tell you they have work on Sunday, anti they are posers like that, what with the branded pickups and blackberrys! They climb poles during the day and make reports on Sunday while checking if our networks are clear, but do not observe the day of the Sabbath, they probably think it’s a Jacuzzi bath tub kinda thingy, after theorizing it with their pie charts and exponential formulae…so they go to office instead to check the blinking thingies on the mast computer controls.
So we basically have these people to thank, along with smelly housegirls and lice infested gate keepers and the insanely broke private security askaris for keeping our Sundays alive. The rest who do no shit on Sunday, it’s time to pick a leaf, and these are;
Bloody Government employees – just driving around our cars to pick charcoal and shit.
Corporatal punks – Just because they said 8 to 5 Mon to Fri doesn’t mean you can’t work out of hours.
The buggers at Aristoc – Why the hell do they close on Sundays, as if we don’t want to read then!
Iguana bar – These punks don’t know that the best pint is on a Sunday, what’s with the closing?
Motorcyle freaks – Oba are they working when they ride to Entebbe beaches with bu chicks clinging on..
God – But u guy God, why don’t u solve the world’s problems when all the above are sleeping?
Well, as for me, the tables wont wait themselves, let me go see what this corporate punk wants!
Rolex sellers;
Coporatal chaps these days drink till morning (my advise to them is to go jump of a roof if they are looking for a faster way to kill themselves). They usually drive off at 6am and head straight to that rolex guy for that much needed fix, before they go home, sleep and return to the bar on a Sunday evening on that bullshit of “man we pushed till morna, it was 7 in the cocks when I walked out..….man we were super baalaaazzzedddd!!” These factors have created jobs on Sunday mornings for Sula’s competitors. And trust these guy’s street smarts, there is now a rolex with katogo in it, wa’gwan!!
Fake pastors;
These chaps are super busy on Sunday sowing seeds of empty after-life promises to unsuspecting members of the congregation who would not have lost their dimes if they had drunk ‘til 7 in the cocks’, and would only have spent 3k bucks on a katogo rolex other than the car log book and land title they have promised “Evangelist Apostle X” for that last spot in heaven (and a visa to the US while at it, and oh, a passport too before u 4get sir pastor)!
Service Industry employees;
From Cineplex to all shopping malls, Sunday is no rest day, that Sabbath shit of “respect the resting day” ended on that exam paper of CRE, of PLE. Nga u can see bu smart chicks climbing taxis at 7am and u think we are such a religious society, until the taxi passes the road going up to Christ the King Church and stops at Nandos where the bu chicks step off and head to Dominoes or Mateos and organize the aprons for work. Bosses who refuse to work on Sunday then stroll in and start yelling at the poor bu chicks “Customer is king”, fuck off u lazy boss, at least she woke up to work, cut her some slack, this ain’t yo office bitch, u are no king here!
Street Vendors;
For some reason, people be bored to death on Sundays, there is nothing to do at home. TV stations show live proceedings of church services / masses (as if they think we don’t know where the churches are) while radio stations play gospel music (as if they think we don’t know where the churches are). The only alternative is to buy newspapers or movies (for a standard 1 thou). These vendors be walking around with baggage on their hands you would think they were created to be forklifts, then Jah changed his mind, he said “fuck it, let it be a human”. Their arms be bursting with veins that look like chain saws as they carry around that mass heap of merchandise, even garbage trucks do less mugging work than these guys.
Telcom Engineers / Switch attendants;
These guys usually pint at Silk but do not tell you they have work on Sunday, anti they are posers like that, what with the branded pickups and blackberrys! They climb poles during the day and make reports on Sunday while checking if our networks are clear, but do not observe the day of the Sabbath, they probably think it’s a Jacuzzi bath tub kinda thingy, after theorizing it with their pie charts and exponential formulae…so they go to office instead to check the blinking thingies on the mast computer controls.
So we basically have these people to thank, along with smelly housegirls and lice infested gate keepers and the insanely broke private security askaris for keeping our Sundays alive. The rest who do no shit on Sunday, it’s time to pick a leaf, and these are;
Bloody Government employees – just driving around our cars to pick charcoal and shit.
Corporatal punks – Just because they said 8 to 5 Mon to Fri doesn’t mean you can’t work out of hours.
The buggers at Aristoc – Why the hell do they close on Sundays, as if we don’t want to read then!
Iguana bar – These punks don’t know that the best pint is on a Sunday, what’s with the closing?
Motorcyle freaks – Oba are they working when they ride to Entebbe beaches with bu chicks clinging on..
God – But u guy God, why don’t u solve the world’s problems when all the above are sleeping?
Well, as for me, the tables wont wait themselves, let me go see what this corporate punk wants!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Time for Defections!!
News streamin’ in from my fav institution, the church, has it that “5 Bishops Defect to Catholic Church”. Confused as I usually be, I thought this was a typo error, thinking they had mistaken “Church” for “NRM”, coz chaps be defecting on a daily (if you blindly believe The New Vision).
To know that the typo errors were too many, consider these;
Last week, 3 UPC chaps “defected” to the movement. 2 were retired and 1 was active. The UPC said “they were of no consequence so they can BURST!!”.
In the church, 2 of the defecting chaps were retired, 3 were active, and the gay Bishop of Canterbury was like “well, 2 were retired, of no consequence, and as for the rest of those 3 little buggers, well they were so low in ranks that we can only sit by and wish them well….”
Any difference…..let’s see more coincidence;
The UPC is an opposition party, and so is the Anglican Church. These Anglican guys used to be known as “Protestants” till they heard that even the NRA had changed it’s name to a more popular UPDF, and “Reform Agenda” became “FDC” then “IPC”, so who the heck are they to maintain an unpopular militaristic name, coz it did quite sound like “Protestors”.
“Protestants” were mainly protesting the fact that their leaders were not allowed to legally chow their members of the congregation to senseless levels that they were forced to marry them. All they wanted was to marry! So they defected! And took the same Bible with them while at it!
Now, some of them are returning, just like the UPC fellaz! It comes at a backdrop of the Pope’s recent visit to Britain. No wonder they call him the “Holy See”, guy’s got vision godamit. We don’t know who his “Amama Mbabazi” is that paid these guys to defect, or whether they will be named Ministers in the Pope’s next Vatican cabinet re-shuffle.
In more disturbing news from the land of faith, little-known but wanting to be very known Pastor Sempa was at it again….showing gay porn in his church! What’s with this lumpen…and where the hell does he get gay porn??!! Even the hardest erotic movie dealers can never have this shit…..coz they don’t have it (and probably never want to)! We should investigate whether the Pastor acts in these movies himself! Chaps just beg him one thing;
“Sir Pastor, we have come here to get redeemed, please help us get “Born Again”!
All he hears is “We want to watch that gay Porn Again!!!”
And he does;
The shit we do for publicity!
To know that the typo errors were too many, consider these;
Last week, 3 UPC chaps “defected” to the movement. 2 were retired and 1 was active. The UPC said “they were of no consequence so they can BURST!!”.
In the church, 2 of the defecting chaps were retired, 3 were active, and the gay Bishop of Canterbury was like “well, 2 were retired, of no consequence, and as for the rest of those 3 little buggers, well they were so low in ranks that we can only sit by and wish them well….”
Any difference…..let’s see more coincidence;
The UPC is an opposition party, and so is the Anglican Church. These Anglican guys used to be known as “Protestants” till they heard that even the NRA had changed it’s name to a more popular UPDF, and “Reform Agenda” became “FDC” then “IPC”, so who the heck are they to maintain an unpopular militaristic name, coz it did quite sound like “Protestors”.
“Protestants” were mainly protesting the fact that their leaders were not allowed to legally chow their members of the congregation to senseless levels that they were forced to marry them. All they wanted was to marry! So they defected! And took the same Bible with them while at it!
Now, some of them are returning, just like the UPC fellaz! It comes at a backdrop of the Pope’s recent visit to Britain. No wonder they call him the “Holy See”, guy’s got vision godamit. We don’t know who his “Amama Mbabazi” is that paid these guys to defect, or whether they will be named Ministers in the Pope’s next Vatican cabinet re-shuffle.
In more disturbing news from the land of faith, little-known but wanting to be very known Pastor Sempa was at it again….showing gay porn in his church! What’s with this lumpen…and where the hell does he get gay porn??!! Even the hardest erotic movie dealers can never have this shit…..coz they don’t have it (and probably never want to)! We should investigate whether the Pastor acts in these movies himself! Chaps just beg him one thing;
“Sir Pastor, we have come here to get redeemed, please help us get “Born Again”!
All he hears is “We want to watch that gay Porn Again!!!”
And he does;
The shit we do for publicity!
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