Get these ads off the radio networks!!

Too much of anything is always bad – that was a popular saying in those days when elders still mattered. Water, much as it cleans our clothes, floors and gives us a ballistic time when we go swimming, could drown yo ass if it comes in torrents, like the floods of Bwaise.

Wonder what am on? These silly adverts of “Get off the sexual network”, we need to start ads to get these annoying ads off the radio networks!! At first, chaps were like “my, these ads are really pumpin some sense into me, I felt guilty as hell listening to that ad with my wife in the car…..” this gave the buggers behind the sexual ads more gusto to pump in more ads.

Now, the bastards have even started using kids, poor little children, in an effort to scare the wits out of us chaps, not minding the effects it will have on these kids, like one where a kid has no dimes, for some reason cant buy chicken, or whatever the hell it is that this kid has been buying for a long time, and explains to a friend how “daddy died from a side dish, and now I cant afford chicken as I used to”. And what the hell is it with the side dish?

In our days, before we grew into the “rolex” age, we used to sit home for a meal, and on the side used to be a dish with carrots, veggies and stuff, known as the “side dish”, add if you will. Now you cant even ask for one, coz of these ads. If you want carrots, you’ll be forced to say “erm, Bub, could you please pass me that plastic thingy with carrots and stuff, need some veggies, sench u” otherwise if you say “Bub, can I have some of that side dish”, Bub will think you want his wife!

But then again, the ads are apparently targeted at married people, who seem to have taken cheatin on their wives to levels unknown to their single colleagues. All this time, I thought it’s the single chaps, we irresponsible-no-givin-a-shit type that were spreadin this insect like a problem, kumbe it’s those chaps that lied to a priest and over 800 guests mbu “I swear this is my only chick from now till I enter the ground lifeless”, they be on the hunt for fresh gazelle every second their wives turn their heads to look at yet another dress they may want, at Woolworths, thinking they are couple-window-shoppin, kumbe the bastard is shopping for a fresh female kill!

These married chaps need a whole new level of counselling if these ads are for real. What’s the idea, the BIG IDEA, of these ringed-fellows not being happy with one wife? After making us pay pledges, fines at meetings, putting us on “time keeping committee” where we wake up at 6am to ensure the future bastard is at the salon to have his hair trimmed, probably so that other chicks attending the wedding shall like him, and not as a close friend, and then they do this shit to us? Chicks should stop calling these chaps their “Mr Right”, coz now we know they are “Mr Right Now, glad to meet you, now I gotta run!”

Chicks shouldn’t be giggling either, coz we all know these married guys are not on a sexual network with their pillows, palms and towels, that kind of full time cheatin ends after high school, don’t be deceived, it still goes on till death, on a part-time basis, and as some genius put it, “it’s making love to someone you really love”, plus it doesn’t spread disease. Back to the point, chicks abet this vice. Nga they can be smiling when they see a ring on a chap! They be like “mama, as this ka guy is so ka sweet, he decided to stay faithful to one chick forever? I WANT HIM!!”

Us rolex-munching, beer-guzzlin single chaps are labelled as “cant be trusted, he wants to hit it and quit it”, but fortunately, we have discovered who the REAL lumpens are, thanks to those annoying adverts!!

So here’s our new slogan;

BACHELOR FOR LIFE – HELPING STOP THE SPREAD OF DISEASE – and also helping poor little kids eat chicken for life!!!

Phone company blues!!

It must really be a bitch to work in the marketing department of a phone company in Ug right now, those guys don’t sleep. And it’s not only them that are losing sleep, we the confused clients are as confused as a DP party leader trying to figure out what faction to join.

Warid has unlash the new paka last, with a very annoying ad about a chap who hesitates to say “I do” in church till they tell him the marriage is pakalast, and that’s when the bastard screams I DO!! If I were the chick, I would bitch-slap this lumpen to reality, “coz I ain’t airtime bitch!!”

Warid’s offer however is turning out to be the ballisticeth, in terms of we humans, always looking out for the cheapest alternative, except if you are Nasser Sebagala and u put all yo dimes on a losing DP presidential bid, knowing full well that that stuff of “we shall remove Museveni” is so cliché, even old people are sick of hearing it.

Back to Warid, they have made calls so cheap, heck, even the chap that cleans out the kaveeras that have been dragged by rain water right up to my door step can call me to tell me his bullshit of “zeya have very many polysins zis time, zat will be 5 souzand for today, senk u veli many!”

The Orange buggers (bless their internet), in a bid to counter ALL this progress made by Warid, came up with a very genius plan, to reward people in a back to school promotion, to last the month of February. We subscribers to this network were jumping in celebration whenever we would buy airtime of 5 thou bucks, coz we were rewarded with an exercise book, from some punks called “Picfare”, 32 pages to be precise!! If however you bought airtime of 2 thou, these guys gave u a “Nice Clear” pen. We couldn’t believe our eyes, becoz for ONLY 5,000 shillings worth of airtime, one was crystal clear sure of winning a book worth a magnanimous, whooping, overwhelming, HUGE 200 shillings! Converted to Dollars, 200 shillings has no dollar value! They don’t see sense in such little dimes, even the American beggar may land u a round-kick for undermining his integrity with 2 hundred uganda bucks, but no, not Orange. They have however put their act together and offered us at least 5 days of free talk if you can load airtime on yo phone, however, u must only be calling anatha chap on Orange, the challenge now is, WHERE THE HELL DO U FIND A CHAP ON ORANGE??? We have since donated these books to our housegirls to be writing in the shit they need for the week;

1 onions

3 bunzaalis

1 slippers for uncle

3 tomatoe for boil food

2 tookes for lunches

5 kilos groundinutis for baby and milk from goat

2 chapati

that is for whole week!!!!

The Zain punks, now famous for bringing in that chap for just an hour, after advertising for almost a FULL year, 365 days, 60 billion seconds, 80 million hours, only to perform for just 1 hour, are also trying to jump on this bandwagon. They are offering a similar thing, but don’t be so sure, coz they are advertising free calls from 6am to 6pm if u load airtime the previous day, but knowing their stuff, you may load airtime and get just ONE hour! They’ve done it before!

MTN has stuck to their ol skool “MTN Zone”, looks like all the chaps in their “innovations and keeping up with the rival” department took indefinite leave. They even brought back kabiriiti, talk about stale shit!

UTL has insisted that their market is STRICTLY on campus, so if u never catch Hot 100 FM, u may think they went extinct. These guys can be found at “Buzz teenies awards”, “Buzz teenies magazine”, “Campus nights” and “Youth without dimes awards”. They gave up on us chaps already!

We only wish 2 telecom companies, like strugglers Orange and Smiles telecom could gang up and offer free calls to chaps on their networks, but then again, are they that many?

Al just buy 2 dual sim card phones, and call for free from whichever network the person am callin is on, its that simple!

The Porn Again Church of Pastor Sempa!!

The "Pentecostal church", what a bunch of collosal failures, i mean the preachers, not the believers!

First, i gather wind of some disturbing stuffs, Pastor Sempa showed a pornography video of 2 men doin the damn thing, mbu "to show how bad this shit really is", then that greedy billy goat Benny Sin, or rather Benny Hinn, got the boot from his wife of 30 years, and trust red pepper to come up with "the untold story", which says that he was actually the guy in the videos Pastor Sempa had been showing just days prior to the divorce filing, apparently he is an ass licker, not the corporate political type that does what it takes to please the boss, but literally, and his boss is a fellow man!

Makin fun of religion as an institution is one thing, could get you shot by some overzealous fanatic that beleives all this shit, like the guy that beat up his wife for daring to say Man U is some bullshit team, he is still on the run, and the wife is still in intensive care, it's therefore scary to jump on chap's beliefs, but as for their shepherds, the gay pastor ones, fuck 'em!!

So here's how the service went (Sempa's).

Opening scene; a church, somewhere on Makere Uni campus, time check, 9 am.
Enter a pastor with a flat screen tv and dvd player, worshippers think they have FINALLY gotten the time to watch "the passion of Christ" for free.

Enter Pastor, as usual, he has one message, "fuck gay punks", "I know most of you have come in here today to get the day's message, and oh, you also may want to drop in a few confessions to the big man, you naughty people you, but then, when i really think about it, that won't do me any good, now will it?? I led a rally last year on Kampala road for the immediate release of Rose Kabuye from France, mbu she had commited genocide, it really had nothin to do with my work as God's servant but fuck it, i wanted to see my picture in the papers, that didn't really work, even after protesting to the gates of the French embassy"

"Amen.........amen brothers and sisters!"

"After that, I discovered that my fellow Pastor Kayanja was gay, like a freagin old boy of Kasasa in the 90's! Makin noise didnt help me much either. So I held a HUGE anti-gay rally in Mbale, just here here last week, but CNN hasen't even called me for a one on one (I would prefer it on Amanpour by the way, just in case u call, sench u!) So, with that little history, I present to you the first gay porn movie ever, so those of you that came here today to be born again, you are lucky, coz you shall also be porn again!!"

Time check...9.15AM, and a porn movie is screened in church! Several tittles have been suggested coz we don't know what the heck was shown,

1- Mary's poppin - By Anna Porn-ikova
2- I know who u did last summer - By Arnold Swazen-pecker
3- Good Will Humpin - By Wesley Pipes

That must have been a horrifying experience for these church guys. Why in the world would you ever do this shit? And who makes gay porn movies? this bugger should be charged with some shit.......Amanda's angels were arrested at any given opportunity till some got saved...oh, that was shadow's angels.

As for Benny Hinn, that high roller who made guys buy him a personal jet, he got what was coming to him. Tiger Woods had just called him to pray for his marriage, then he saw the news, "Benny Hinn fails to pray for his own marriage", so he cancelled.

If these are the chaps goin to heaven, ad rather go to hell, coz they'll probably show gay porn in heaven.

Dispatch from Buja!!

Chillaxing is the main theme of my existence, so unlike Bond, my licence is to chill…..! The adventures found me chillin in the ballistic valley of Buja aka Bujumbura in the past few days, which explains to all the ARDENT readers of these here pages, yes, ALL the 3 of you, why the nonsense hasen’t been flowin’

Burundi is still one of the few African countries, oh sori, one of the many African countries where buggers believe they will shoot themselves into agreement, the agreement being that the guys with the bigger and better guns shall be in power, while the chaps they claim to be fighting for shall lose limbs stepping on land mines and being caught up in the crossfire, which is why after 7 pm, if you haven’t yet reached the capital and are still driving around, you are forced to stay in some town, as if Karuma falls during the LRA hey days, till morn.

They say Rwanda is the land of 1000 hills, Burundi is the land of 6000 hills, and tens of thousands of bazooka rocket launchers hiding in those very hills. It’s not that bad however, as there is some calm these days. Business is booming and we opportunists couldn’t miss the chance to go see what’s up, just in case some chap wanted a laptop or two, so we could charge the bugger in the thousands of dollars, reap from their ignorance and dash back to the comforts of Just Kickin to drink the extra dimes.

However, the dimes weren’t seen.

Chaps down there drink pints like there’s no tomorrow, and that’s not a sayin, coz these chaps maybe thinkin’ “fuck it, I may step on a landmine and lose my throat, get me a pint now!” Enter a bar at 2 pm, and you won’t be disappointed, unlike these Kla buggers who start filling up their fridges at 4pm, as if we don’t want a pint! The French culture of “pose”, that was highly practiced in Rwanda before Ugandan businessmen fell in and showed them the way, is highly revered in this ballistic place. Businesses close at exactly 1pm, everyone goes either home or to the bar, only to return at 4 pm. Heck, even bank tellers don’t give a monkey’s blue behind who the heck you think you are, step in at 1.01 pm, and they’ll be like “turi gu pose (we are on pose goddamit)!!”

The most fascinating thing was a telecom company called U-Com, these guys have the exact symbol of UTL, that smiling thingy with two dots on a u. Their airtime is called “Mango Juice” and they have the same ads UTL used to run when that motor mouthed bugger was in charge of marketing, oba he is called Anfield. Talk about trend setting!
The beaches however, are as ballistic as the Hawaii sands, chaps should shoot their videos down there if they want to really pose. Half of Buja is on Lake Tanganyika. That beach resort “Bora Bora” looks like the Jay Z “Big Pimpin” video, for reals, complete with some yummy brown browns seated under some umbrellas waitin for some white chap to buy them a pint, us non-french buggers be jealous as the guys be on that “comma sava” bullshit! Next time, al move with a dictionary.

In terms of sanity, Buja is as chaotic as Kampala. Chaps outside their main post office, located right in the city center, engage in fruit-selling, so one has to walk carefully lest he slides off a banana peel, and falls like a cartoon character in the center of town. Cleanliness?? For what?? That shit is only for Rwanda. There’s 2 roundabouts in a city of about a million cars, so traffic police do the honors of directin traffic, and at their border post, just give the bugger yo passport, and watch as he writes yo details in a counter book, you be as if you are at the gate of the Warid head office, and the askari is asking you to sign off yo details. Forms?? What for??

After the June elections however, when chaps are sure of some sanity or outright gun battle, shall we opportunists drag our asses back down there, not even the ballistic brown browns or the 1000 bars shall convince us otherwise!

The Happenings!!

This is probably going to be the WORST music year or Ugandan chaps, Bebe Fool got shot, and we are going to have 39 songs about it, and that is just from Bebe Fool himself! One song will be about the President and the IGP visiting him, just confirming how fuckin big he (or rather his ego) is.

The second song will be something like;

Tupac was shot, for a reason;

50 cent was shot, for a reason;

Bebe Cool was shot, for a reason;

Marvin Gaye was shot, for a reason…..and blah blah blah.

The fact that he gets to be thought about, right here on this excuse of some writings, then maybe, just maybe, the fucker maybe a big is big afterall!

On to more important matters….of national proportions;

I have been labouring to explain to punks how to infiltrate Uganda, and not in a security way, this is election time, you could get arrested, for rape and treason, if you keep yappin on about security stuff during these sensitive times.

To be Ugandan, several ways of life must be adhered to;

• Credit:

“Hello Mr shopkeeper sir, I want to buy credit”

“Sorry ma’am, we only sell in cash”

“No no, u don’t get it, I need credit for my phone”

“Madam, our phones are only sold in cash”

“But I have cash, I just need credit for loading on the phone!!!”

“Ooooh that, sorry madam, here is your credit”

Citibank employees, who were recently shut down due to “credit crunch” always get heart attacks whenever they hear the word credit, that’s exactly why they call it airtime!

• Branch off:

While giving directions, this word is tres important. Unlike the whites that be like “erm, move 20 miles down to elm street, take the first right and move 2 blocks down, u’ll see the mart…..thank you bub!”

In ug : “Now, you are going to waaaaallllllkkkkk until you find a big mango tree, then move on just a little bit till u find a junction, then branch off to the right, then the first house with a grey gate…..it’s not the one, but u will see a ka small tree opposite, then that house behind it, is the one!”

• Line:

“Hello shopkeeper, I want a Zain line, how much is it?

“Now, u want a line to hang the clothes?”

“No, I want one with the same number as my Orange line”

“Ooohhh, a sim card, ok, that’s srii souzand, senchu preasse”

• Traffic jam:

While in a traffic jam, look around, there’s always a man and a woman in a car. If woman is reading newspapers and man looking impatiently at the traffic lights / police directing cars, MARRIED PUNKS!!! If the chick is talking endlessly to a silent oldish man, MARRIED WITH CAMPUS CHICK, if both man and woman are in conversation – DATING, FOR LIKE 2 WEEKS, if woman is talking and man not – MAN HAS BEEN CAUGHT CHEATING, she is asking about the sms’ from that wench Hilda, and who the fuck is Hilda?!.

• Function:

When a couple enters a bar or social area like a wedding venue, the guy will be 4 steps ahead of his chick – MARRIED, if they walk hand in hand – ENGAGED, if man walks in, then chick falls in 20 minutes later – SIDE CHICK.

• Dreadlocks

He is a DJ in real life, spinning keyboards while arranging tracks on PC DJ and pretend to be changing CD’s, kumbe the program is doing the magic, and he’ll probably tell you “wat a gwan star” whenever you meet, just hold up yo fist and reply “big tings a gwan pon di plyess man” and he will be yo friend!

• Rugby club;

There are 2 of these, so if you have just landed from Cabinda and your bus survived being shot at, you may ask some chap;

“Yo, where u at?”

“Kampala”

“I know we are in Kampala, but where exactly?”

“Kampala u bitch!!!”

He meant Kampala rugby club! The other one, known as Kyadondo, is referred to as “Dondos”, so if the guy says u meet up at “Dondos”, do not drag yo self to Nandos, u will be stranded by the roadside beeping this chap as if Ken “the bitch” Lukyamuzi and his broke self, asking for his whereabouts!

• Speeches

The phrase “at this juncture” HAS to be used, something like;

“Mr Speaker Sir, at this juncture, I would like to introduce the minutes of the last meeting”

• It’s happening

“Yo, let’s go to Mateos, today, it’s happening!”

“What’s happening? is there a beer riot or wat?”

“No, it’s happening!”

“What’s happening?”

“Mateos u bitch!!”

And that’s just about it, from my desk!

Out!

I'd like an iPad!! Regular please...

The chaps at Apple, no, not the stuff the snake made Adam and Eve share, before they got full knowledge that they had spent their entire lives doing kimaansulo for God, Jesus, and the chaps that used to watch E! on the TV stations back then, but Apple, the IT company, have unleashed a new product known as the iPad! Most of us (ok, just me and a couple of other broke fellaz) are still blasting on the iPod shuffle, the one of 512MB, made in 2005, and we are posing like a problem!

The good thing is, when you do a quick search on this so-called revolutionary widget, or gadget, you only land on jokes about this so-called phenomenal product, coz it does sound like a sanitary pad, hence;

“I’m not buying an iPad! Period!”

“They should have just called it the TamPod!”

“This gadget costs bleedin’ money!”

“Should I go to an Apple store or a feminine isle at the supermarket to buy an iPad?”

“After this, Apple is launching the iMaxiPad and iTampon!”

“How can I get one of these……no strings attached?”

“Don’t worry Steve Jobs, this will all be over in a small period of time”

“Hope there are no bugs with security. Wouldn’t want anything embarrassing leak from my iPad!”

“iPad, now with bleeding edge technology”

“iPad, helping people to deal with 24 hour news cycles”

Yeah, I know, don’t have to rub it in so much, but I never even thought of any of those, simply copied and pasted.

Ugandan posers will now be seen on facebook yapping about this new gadget as if it is ballistic. The thing looks like a laptop but quite thin, wonder how u shall be carrying it around the taxi park, with background lights and all, oh, it’s got a cover!! Ah what the hell, maybe u can afford the 500$, sawa, wish you the best in this new period of gadget wizadry!

Of course some chaps are out there defending this name, saying they should have made fun of mousepads too, and pads of paper, and that these are just like the usual lame fart jokes, but what the hell, those are the Ofwono Opondo’s of Apple, will say anything to make it (their employers) look better!

Speakin of new products, when was the last time anything was ever “unveiled” down here? Chaps at Jua Kali invented some shit that pounds groundnuts in seconds, but never to go to Serena for the “unveiling”, which probably explains why village chaps are still using pestles (remember that shit?) to break their backs in an attempt to make a meal, yet the gadgets were unleashed, but with no guarantees, so if you get shocked just trying to plug it to power, that’s entirely yo-wa shit!

Pepsi has been posing on us with “mountain dew”, complete with buses and mini buses runnin’ around town promoting “their new drink”, kumbe they are just bottlers. Coca cola has brought “Schweppes Novida”, but the way they are parading themselves around one would think their master “brewer” came up with this shit! Zain over posed with the “blackberry”, one would be forgiven if he thought they were made at their Wampewo offices.

So because we haven’t un-val anything, no material from me, plus, this post really has no direction, just to keep the bloody blog alive!! Out!

We're Rich Bitch!!

ALL this time I had NO clue we were this rich, am talking about Uganda, the pearl of dimes! It was announced early today, by none other than the richest in the pearl, the Foreign Minister, a one Sam Kuteesa, that we were joining the bandwagon of rich individuals and nations in donating money to Haiti.

Not to miss yet another opportunity to be seen on the front page of the newspapers, at whatever cost, lousy but somehow commercially ok as-if musician Bobi Swine also added his name to the list of chaps doing something for Haiti. Just like the last time when the lumpen promised Owino market traders 20 million bucks, if any fool dared buy his over-rated bunch of metal with weed leaves all over it’s dashboards, full and well knowing no one would buy it, this pumpkin has promised a concert at the end of next month, when ALL this fracas will probably be over, proceeds of which will go to Haiti victims, yes, ALL the 200,000 shillings that’ll be left over. Clown!! Well, he got the front page he badly craved, now he is on to the next circus parade.

Back to Uganda, and their lousy and rather miserly contribution. Watching CNN last week, the list of contributors was a Hollywood thingy, with Angelina “big lips” Jolie and her adopted son Brad Pitt contributing 1 million dollars, George Clooney, Matt Damon, Bill Clinton and some other characters you don’t really give a shit about also raising dimes in the region of a million dollars each, heck, even chaps through their phone networks sent dimes to Wyclef Jean, until they said he was using that same charity to organise his last few concerts, hence him coming out and crying like a little baby wanting more SMA gold, at a hastily arranged press conference.

As the millions in dollars were still racing in, and featuring on CNN and other big networks, Uganda, not wanting to miss a chance to also be counted among the “who is who” of the world, today woke up with their own BIG announcement, a donation to Haiti.

Al Jazeera, BBC and CNN Inside Africa quickly called up Emirates Airlines and booked first class tickets to send their international correspondents to hurry up and be the first to cover this event, so they could let us, the viewers, be the first to know! White chaps with television equipment were seen taking lifts up and down the Serena hotel setting up their systems, attaching mics to their ears so they would transmit the happenings LIVE goddamit!!

It was around this time that the Hon Sam Kuteesa walked into the room, with a swagger that would make Bill Gates quiver in the knees, like a servant (Ofwono Opondo) whose master (Kagu) has just walked in.

Then the announcement!

“Thank you all for coming, as u know, we have always been pan-africanists, and we shall always stand by our brothers in their hour of need…..”

Christian Amanpour’s assistant was seen frantically trying to get a hold of her boss, so they could stream this announcement live.

“Well, unlike Senegal, we shall not be calling Haitians to come live here, but through the African Union, we can always find places to accommodate those that want to leave Haiti and come to Africa. It’s with this kind heart from the people of Uganda that I announce a contrution of 100,000 US Dollars to the people of Haiti……”

“What?? Excuse me Sir, I’m Hossan Hassan from Al Jazeera, I think I heard that wrong, did u say 100 million US Dollars?”

“No, 100,000 US Dollars!”

“Sir, George Clooney, alone, contributed 1 million Us Dollars, is this your personal contribution?”

“As I said before, this is the contribution from the kind hearts of 33 million Ugandans!”

“This is some bullshit, we just spent 200,000 US Dollars to come for some announcement of 100,000 US Dollars!! Am outta here!”

What mattered was, we were on TV, international TV! When chaps were literally STARVING to death in Teso last year, all they were told was to eat mangoes and steal food from neighbours, I guess that 100,000 Dollars wouldn’t have helped much, and that Bobi Swine fellow didn’t even hastily organise a concert, what a bunch! WBS just doesn't cut it, now does it?

For God and my TV!