Living through Load Shedding a.k.a The Dark Ages

With the constant load shedding, it’s extremely hard to stay at home (and study the science of “how candles really work”) and also become the first human to calculate “the speed of dark” while at it, which shall soon be discovered in Uganda at this rate.

Going to the bars is no longer cool. Bar owners are sick of Pastors being the only business people driving around in brand new cars, so instead of feeling pity on us “patrons” (who the fuck calls someone a patron, what are we, old chaps?) they are also increasing prices like crazy. Recently UBL and Nile breweries increased their beer prices by 202/= (wonder how they came up with the 2/=) but bar owners shot up by 500/= (while “up market” posers increased by 1,000/=).

They claim it’s because of DSTV and Generator fuel price hikes….i kinda believe them.

So if we are going to spend money because there is no power, what better way to really spend it than go to the movies!

Because it’s an experiment, I had to go alone. You don’t want to go with someone to Cineplex on an experiment (of the VIP seats: for if you eat a frog, eat a bloody LARGE one damn it) and get embarrassed when u start unleashing 5 thou notes hoping they count to 60 g’s! Meanwhile, the ka ballistic brown brown is checking her bu nails waiting for the ticket, never to offer to “help”, so much for women emancipation!

Anywho, over to the counter to yell at the chick inside:

“VIP seat bicth!! How much shall my wallet part with??”

“It’s 30 thousand Sir”

“Whoa…..does that come with fries??”

“No, but it comes with a free drink…oh, and a snack of your choice”

“You mean like a pizza?”

“No, erm, we have pop corn, crisps and some other snacks”

“Now that’s something…..could you hold on a second while I call my date, I think al take the ordinary seats….2 please”

So much trouble just to watch “Bridesmaids”, al experiment with the VIP when “Austin Powers: The Prequel” is ever made.

Now it’s late to wait for someone for the movie, but the large frog still has to be eaten. Off to Dolphin Suites for an elegant drink with Mike Mukula. He usually uses the gym there (even though he has his own) and I sit at the bar, so technically, we drink together…erm, at the same place.

The menu looks reasonable, 16 thou for food and 5 thou for a pint. Well, this is some VIP shit, the mind thinks. After 3 pints and food, the waiter brings a bill of 36,600/=. Simple mathematics had told me 3 pints is 15 g’s and food 16g’s, so that’s a cool 31 g’s. So waiter, what’s the BIG idea with yo bill, punk!!????

The waiter then returns the menu, and directs me to the bottom of the page where the little words say “Prices Exclusive of VAT”. Fuckers!!!

Luckily, Warid to Warid was still 5 shillings per second, help was on the way.

Next time, al just eat a bloody small frog!!

UK: Hunter Hunted!!

The world has just become too funny!

Libya’s government, led by Muamar Ghadaffi, has just asked UK Premier David Cameron and his entire government to step down because they had “lost all legitimacy”.

Libya said, "Cameron and his government must leave after the popular uprising against them and the violent repression of peaceful demonstrators by police. Cameron and his government have lost all legitimacy. These riots show that the British people reject this government which is trying to impose itself through force. We call on the UN Security Council and the international community not to stay with it's arms crossed in the face of the flagrant violation of the rights of the British people."

In the meantime, Iran has urged Britain to show "restraint" in dealing with rioters. Foreign Ministry spokesman asked "the British government to prevent the use of violence by the police, and to engage in dialogue with the protestors and examine their demands in order to restore calm".

Zimbabwe President Mugabe urged Britain to first put out the fires in it's own house before trying to start fires in other people's houses. "Britain, I understand is on fire, especially London and we hope they can extinguish their fire, pay attention to their internal problems and to that fire which is now blazing all over, and leave us alone", Mugabe said.

In the meantime, 3^rd world dictator governments the world over have issued fresh travel advisories to their citizens intending to visit the UK. They have asked all their citizens to evacuate the country, which has been plunged in total chaos for the past 5 days, “only essential personnel in embassies may remain”, the advisory added, stopping short of saying, “that’s if we still have relations with UK and still have an embassy”.

The International Olympic Committee is also being asked, by these same chaps, to see if the 2012 Olympics may be moved to a country with no chaos, like Chad! Nations are advising their sportsmen not to go for the Olympics if they are to be held in chaotic London.

Foreign sportsmen, especially those in the premier league, are advised to evacuate their families and leave only essential staff like translators as they wait for the kick off. They are however advised to keep in touch with their embassies in case they too need immediate evacuation.

Now this is the New World Order.....coming on the heels of China telling the US to sort it's financial mess....or else!!

Sometimes it feels nice to be in the 3^rd world, we welcome the UK to our lifestyle, as we wait for walk to work nonsense, and show them how rioters are handled!

Get rich or try dying....

The rate at which we want to get rich…real quick, is quite alarming. Kla has been attacked by a socially contagious disease known as network marketing, and the ring leader of this financial circus is a company named Quest Net, who come hot on the heels of Tianshe and GNLD, which sounds like a rapper’s name. These chaps can make you resign your job for this shit.

The first thing they shall be quick to tell you is that “this is not a scam”, and they shall send you to websites with “investors” penning glorious reviews about how their lives changed the day they were introduced to this “investment of a lifetime”.

The characters peddling these financial falsehoods have been trained….really well, to ensure they get dimes from you, and your friends, so if any chap calls and tells you the following, be wary;

“Hey buddy, are you sitting down? I hope you are, coz this will KNOCK YOU OUT! Are you tired of working for a boss? Do you hate it when you have to wait for a salary? Do you want to go for holiday ANYTIME and ANY PLACE you want? Are you tired of me asking all these obvious questions? If your answers are yes, Congratulations, you are a winner and I am here to help you!

What am going to tell you has been kept a big secret by the richest men on the planet. Do you know how Donald Trump makes billions? 2 words….network marketing!

All you need to do is bring in all your friends into our company, and the money we use for advertising shall be given to you. You’ll be a millionaire in 1 year tops. How long would it take you in your current job to be a millionaire?”

Most members of this scheme are corporate employees who are actually sick of their bosses and will hold on to anything to realize their dreams. One member who has been in this scheme and has been employed by a top corporate company was seen driving around in his new ML Mercedes….he claimed “it had nothing to do with his job as a procurement manager, and that the stationary actually got lost in transit, the benz was from selling bio discs”, and he has refused to resign his job for this new lucrative venture…..we don’t know why.

Another government official who joined this scam…..erm sori, scheme, was plotting to use these proceeds from this new found venture to build an arcade and name it “Mama Nantume Plaza”. He claims he will fully finance this plaza from proceeds from “network marketing”, and swears on his kid’s graves that he did not use the money signed for Aggreko that went missing! He has also refused to resign from that low paying job at the ministry, deciding to give less concentration on that money minting Tianshe herb!

If you really want to make quick dimes however, forget this network nonsense, the only rich guys in it are the actors in their promotional videos, you could however get rich real quick by either selling cocaine, playing lotto games, betting on Uganda Cranes, becoming a politician in KCC, turning into a Ho-fessional at Speke road or simply join NSSF as the MD. These will however get you killed real quick either in prison or by suicide……but at least you tried!

The world's ending potponed

Harold Camping is an old, wrinkled, one-testicled nut case that convinced us all that the world was going to end on May 20^th, and he got some major fans too while at it, coz on the 18^th May, guys went over to chicks and had new pick up lines; “babe, remember when u said u could only have me if the world was ending??? Well, u have 2 days to go………bitch!! Now where and when???”

Just as we thought that it was a hoax by some crazy loon that was so old he knew he was going to die anyway, shit started happening.

Bin Laden got killed on May 3^rd! This infidel-cleansing-self-appointed religious crusader had eluded the world for decades and had acquired Satan-like status, “too bad even for God to catch!” If Bin Laden can get killed, then this world is surely coming to an end.

Oprah’s show got killed: The chick said it’s her last season after 25 years on air. Now how shall we know what book to read? On whose couch shall Tom Cruise jump after getting a new chick? How will Obama win a re-election? How will WBS survive with it’s only remaining talk show, “Jam Agenda”? The world will just end!

The pope on twitter: After a lot of soul searching (and finding only child-boy molesters), the catholic church decided it was time to get hip, groove to the jive and have swag! They first opened a facebook page which was quickly filled with stray confessions from chaps that couldn’t get up for the 7am mass and requests for “penance” by some perverts! They then decided to go twitter on 29^th June with the Pope Benedict XVI (no relation to the BMW X series) sending the first tweet, “"Dear Friends, I just launched News.va. Praised be our Lord Jesus Christ! With my prayers and blessings, Benedictus XVI". Are these the same guys that have still jammed that the world is round? For real? The world must be ending.

The US gets bankrupt: Ok not yet, but they shall be declared “bankrupt” on August 1^st if they don’t meet their 1 trillion dollar debt, most to China. Now who is going to remove Ghaddafi from power? Who is going to lecture Kagu when he goes for a 5^th term? Who is going to lecture Mugabe? Shall they still refuse his wife to shop there? They badly need dimes? This is it!

Chameleon gets another hit: For real? After 10 years of this shit? His new catch line is “me set the trend and de adaz fallo me” nga it’s now a new same raga beat for 4 songs in a row! This world should end!

Another building collapses in Ntinda – that’s normal;

“Election loser Mbabali withdraws case against VP Sekandi yet he looke like he was set to win – denies taking 200 million shilling bribe” – that’s normal stuffs!

Yellow is back!!

Researchers at the Uganda Virus Research Institute are pissed! They have given the government 2 weeks to answer their demands or they go on strike!!

Nah……. That’s the news that everyone in Uganda would expect, seeing as it’s a new trend to strike – effects of boredom after the Premiership went on a break.

Anywho, the Virus researchers are angry with Wakiso district land board for issuing land titles to chaps for space around the Ziika forest in Kisubi. There’s a forest in Entebbe??

In this forest dwells the dreaded “Aedes Africanus” mosquito, whose name sounds like a soul singing sister, and is solely responsible for the spread of yellow fever.

NRM mobilisers were extremely happy with this news and run to their masters to report that there is actually a faster way to turn the population yellow, and it’s a simple mosquito! Their hopes were quickly dashed when the researchers swiftly added, “between 10% and 20% of people that get it will die, most likely before the next election”, and they quickly climbed down the sand castles they had built with their selfish egos hoping for a windfall of dimes from the national reserves.

The researchers say that this mosquito is used to pinting blood from forest monkeys, and sometimes from taxi conductors and boda boda riders, “it kinda comes across the same to me, I s’pose”, one “Aendes mosquitos” was over heard telling a researcher.

With this data, the institute was quick to send a warning to the rest of the human beings to stop encroaching on this forest lest they fall dangerously ill, and miss all the political comedy action on NTV news!

Vaccination slips for Yellow Fever are compulsory when going to many countries, especially South Africa. They used to go for 17,000 shillings but have now since been revised to 70,000 bucks on the black market, with the go-betweens blaming this rise on the sharp increase on prices of sugar! Now that the yellow fever is for real (thanks to those silly encroachers, and smelly taxi guys), getting this card is going to even increase in cost, due to the factors of demand and supply.

In the meantime, government has promised to do nothing, blaming all this fracas on the opposition who scared away tourists with their walk to work antics leading to forest encroachment and hence giving the forest mosquitoes free and fresh blood to feast on.

Strikes......Strikes....Strikes!!!

The latest fad in Ug these days is strikes, even students in freakin’ Bupadhengo SS in Kamuli yesterday were at it, and for the stupidest reasons brought forth thus far – vote rigging in favor of boarding students! What the hell is that??? On further questioning, they reluctantly confessed that the actual reason for the strike was that they were pissed off because Cesc Fabregas wanted to leave Arsenal and that the Government was doing nothing to intervene……plus they were being caned with thorns too, as a bonus reason for the strike, make it more legit!

These little fuckers picked a leaf from their lumpen cousins at St Kaggwa School in Bushenyi whose school was closed last week due to a strike for the extremely flimsy reason that they were being fed on posho and beans, yet they wanted more rice! Where do these maggots come up with these strange reasons from? Do they know what we ate while still there? For 6 straight years? (Some of us Kabojja boys can add 7 years to the posho and beans eating tally!).

Recently, students at some obscure school you don’t give a shit about located in Kabale went on a rampage destroying school sauce pans and vandalizing the kitchen stores for raw cassava and sweet potatoe tubes instead of learning the real use of a vernier calipers, for the silly reason that they wanted GTV because all soccer games had been moved away from DSTV, and the poor headmaster gave in, but on the day he procured the set, GTV closed, it’s management disappearing like Micheal Ezra’s dimes!

Campus students are now looking like the civilized lot among all students, having not had a riot in the last 3 months! Congs fellas! Maybe we shall see more first class degree holders this next graduation, as we watch the grad process for 7 days!

The students may not be wrong after all, seeing as everyone else is striking, starting with the Opposition groups who were super pissed they did not get a podium finish after the elections, missing out on holding that famous bible and swearing all sorts of promises they shall never keep! Like “ensuring service delivery by curbing corruption!” They walked to work and were tear gassed back to oblivion till they get more dimes!

Traders felt that they were not getting enough attention, and closed their shops for 2 days, till some of them reached home and saw there were only Ground nuts instead of the usual meat in the main food bowl. They quickly re-opened before we knew weather they had actually been listened to or not. But it seems they didn’t, cause they have promised to shut down for a week if govt doesn’t do something in 2 weeks time. Looks like they are saving up for that protest this time round.

Teachers seem to also be tired of their little lumpen students taking all the shine – as if they are not there! They have promised to lay down their tools, which consist of boxes upon boxes of chalk, in 2 weeks time, if their salaries are not doubled – and then some – from a paltry 200,000 to 460,000 or thereabouts, “our money cant afford firewood anymore, yet our former students are all buying cooking gas and staying in the Bugolobi flats”, one of them was overheard wailing to a government official! They have told them to wait for the next budget, or rather the next Government, if they cant be patient for one more year!

Smelly taxi touts and their caveman uncivilized co-workers, the taxi drivers halted work for 1 day to demand answers from government! They had promised to do 2 days but the brokenness was for CHOGM and World Cup combined. They have since resumed their daily tasks of spreading nasty rotten-egg-like arm pit odor to sassily dressed corporate bu-nankas heading to work, by spreading their arms allover the taxi trying to collect that 1 k note from that charcoal vendor seated at the back! Hope their grievances were solved, because the Samona health and beauty division was given a contract to manufacture more low priced bathing soap this week!

In the meantime, studies have shown that usually it’s broke people that protest, riot and cause mayhem to the rest of the unfairly advantaged world citizens with dimes, so in case you find yourself striking…….just know you may be broke!

As for me, av been on strike (read broke!!!)