Ze Srii Aza Manth-ez!!!

Well well well, it’s one of those mornings that look like a holiday, owing to all this Christmas stuff goin around, and yet you are in office, bambi, sorry!! Now since the year is coming to a crisp end, and news reaching this desk, or rather the phone next to it, is that the Venue has opened after being refurbished into a 5 star bar, so if you don’t have a loose 7 thou for just 1 pint, never mind it tastes EXACTLY the same as that Bell at Mama Toffa’s container in Kawuku, don’t drag yo broke ass there, mbu it’s happening!

July

2^nd, Zain launches Zap! Big Deal! When these guys of Zain said they were bringing something new, advertising in newspapers that “something big is coming from Zain”, we thought they were sending more nude snaps of their CTO in action with intern number 2, kumbe they were just copying what MTN had done a month or so earlier, punks!

7^th, MJ, King of Pop and also King of little children’s behinds, who had died in June (how the hell didn’t I see this), was lain at some stadium in the Who S of A for final prayers, before he finally goes to heaven to meet more little boy angels!

21^st, lousy chap Akon, who had jammed to go to Kenya 5 times, and postponed his visit to Ug 3 times, accepted that he had a kid with a Ugandan chick, Awori something, which came as a very big relief to this Awori babe, coz she had been dying to be in the news.

On 26^th, The Sinan talk show, hosted by Faridah, shocked the wits out of normal chaps when she hosted a working prostitute on her show. This prosti wasn’t playing around, and was mentioning very nasty things. She said mbu sometimes she encounters very large men (she meant their member’s) who after doing the damn thing with, she has to go look for an open clinic for treatment!! The chick, also said she got her first kid at age 13, and had 5 kids by age 19!! Well, since she has experience in the chowing area, I bet the best job for her would involve chowing, what the heck, let her stay in the damn prostitution business!

August

Olara Otunnu, that 57 year old man with no wife and kids, returned to Ug after almost 23 years. He had expected to be welcomed like Gaetano, but unfortunately no one had ever seen his bed-minton matches on live Tv, let alone him just being with a chick! He was later quoted as saying the Government planned to call him gay as a smear campaign, and have introduced the anti-gay bill so he doesn’t stand for President!

Around 26^th, professional music plagiarists / thieves, Mowzey and Radio stole yet another song and beat, Bread and Butter from some broke artiste called Arafat, who claimed he didn’t have money to promote his song first! They had earlier done a similar song to some Zambian, and anatha to some Nigerian, and the beat for the Zuena song came from P-square. What a bunch!

September

For 2 days or so, we stopped watching Palestinians throwing stones at Israeli police to catch our very own Kiseka Market chaps, throwing stones (and used condoms) at riot police. Broke chaps, who really didn’t give a rat’s ass whether the Kabaka did what or what, needed some exercise to erase the bad memories of the brokeness they be lounging in. Political analysts (or just people that want to be seen and heard on radio or tv) went on all radio stations claiming to dissect the root cause of the conflict between the Kingdom and Government, forgetting the simplest of em all, CHAPS ARE BROKE BITCH!!!

10^th , as a result of these punks mentioned above, some 4 radio stations had their mics un-plugged, and we are not talking of them having a show in Club Silk, sponsored by Club Beer, that’s a different un-plugged, these were switched off indefinitely, till they say those three little magic words to the Govt, “am choooo chowi!”

18^th September, the GREATEST day for any male (except a certain Pastor we know) Pole dancing was introduced in Kampala. It wasn’t exactly a night to remember, as all these things we copy from white chaps are not done well. Strecth-marked chicks who had no business showing off their cellulite skin in public were the so-called entertainers, they tried out their shit from 10pm to 11pm when they gave up due to exhaustion, then the MC, with no shame, told the audience to go try it out, never mind its they who paid to watch!

Finally, this Tusker Project Fame thingy was taking place, and was oddly being watched by more people than thought. A Kenyan chap named Debarl (this has to be a stage name) was the last chap evicted by end of this month. The MC asked him to do one more song before leaving the house, which is quite like saying “Erm Debarl, since you are leaving the house, please sing for us one more song just to remind the public why they don’t like you!!!”

Christmas - In the eyes of a grande IDIOT!!

Christmas time is a festive time - a time for parties and presents and songs that we all love, except for Bonny M and their ♪feliz navidad♪ bullshit, which I for one got tired of in approximately 1994, and which now causes me to dislocate my forefinger stabbing the car-radio button every hour or so. Usually Capital FM starts this mess on November 25^th-ish!

In these day’s when Pastor’s (They are many), Apostles (Mitala), Prophets (Kakande) and Bishops (TD Jakes) have hijacked religion and monetarized every aspect of it (Buy my inspiration book and cd at only $25, or come for my seminar instead, $10 a seat), and some Pastors (Kayanja) even tried to emulate the Holy One, or is it Ghost, who turned water into wine, by being creative enough to smuggle it instead thru their lakeside palatial homes, the real story of Christmas is fading into obscurity, as these afore mentioned buggers will be selling Christmas message cd’s instead of reminding us what the hell exactly it is we are celebrating.

If the Anglicans were not poking their snotty noses over their Bishop’s bedroom windows to figure out which entry points they use for their relaxation with their significant others, maybe they would be preaching the real message. I happened to take a break today from meeting foreign dignitaries (Indian shopkeepers I was chatting with in Bugos) at about 11am to stroll to aristoc and pick a book to whiz the rest of the day by, knowing full well that all members of the public were at work, my my, when do people work?? There was a long queue, like the one of MP’s waiting for the 5 million bucks bribe at Mosa Courts a couple of years ago to lift the Presidential term limits.

Anywho, the Christmas message even in Africa is soooooo lost, judging by what chaps were buying at aristoc. Get this, and no offence to anyone that buys this shit, but there was a fountain that was spraying white crystals into the air, onto an artificial snowman dressed up as Father Christmas, while the Snowman was ringing a bell, and that was what chaps, many of them Africans, were queuing up to buy! No comment.

A christmas card I found at some desk had on the back, “Hallmark, manufactured using pulp from managed trees, for every tree cut down, at least one is planted!” So we shouldn’t really give a shit about the Christmas message within, but should buy because these guys are so nice they will replace your tree! Let me remind you of the original Christmas story, as we knew it!

Somewhere in Bethlehem, where today Israelis are making minced meat of Palestinians, there was a ballistic chick called Mary, she was too ballistic, even God couldn’t resist, and she hadn’t been on ANY sexual network since she was born, so God sent some flying chap, an angel called Gabriel, to tell her she would get pregnant soon, with a man-child called Jesus. Gabriel didn’t attempt to pull a ki fast one on her, coz God used to see EVERYTHING goddamit!

Without even going to Dr Ssali’s clinic, like that 57 year old of 2 months ago, Mary got preggers, as The National Enquirer would have proclaimed, had it been there. Her husband Joseph, who every chick must want by now, I mean yo virgin chick gets pregnant, by anatha dude, and u stay with her??? Howly??? Anywho, this Joze character took Mary to his ancestral home in Bethlehem so she could get to Dr Ian Clarke’s IHK for a caesarean, but it seemed God jammed this stuff, mbu it was not yet time for that technology to hit the streets, so they instead went to an inn somewhere. Mary, bless her, gave birth to a bouncing bundle of joy, and placed him in a manjor, which is a feeding thingy for sheep, it was late in the night, so Jose couldn’t rush out to get pampers and SMA gold, so they instead wrapped him in bands of cloth, and Mary did the breastfeeding thing, she knew Dr 90210 would do the implants some later day! (real blasphemy shit going on here!)

A star arose in the east, and we are not talking bout a star like R Kelly, but the shiny thingy in the sky, and appeared to three wise guys who then travelled to Jerusalem bearing gifts for this new celeb kid. The gifts they bore included Gold (probably from Kisangani) and stuff called Myrrh, which by the way is some kind of chewing gum, which means that the Uchumi Jerusalem stores were still open and anyone that bought Gold got a complimentary Eclairs to go with! Mary fed the Eclairs to the sheep!

So this kid grew up to spread the word, told it like it was, fed 2 thousand guys on 2 loaves of bread and 5 fish (without a single wedding meeting), turned water into wine at some bash (even paid the corkage), walked on water (David Blaine failed) and even brought some chap from the dead (he probably hadn’t finished clearing his banjas). Unfortunately, he was rounded up like an opposition party leader, tried for high treason (at least they didn’t add rape) and sentenced to hang on the cross with 2 low level burglers (probably iron bar hitmen)!

His followers however insist that he died for our sins, but the Romans that hang him say he was claiming to be a King of the Jews, yet he was in their territory (Kayunga!)

So while u buy cards, just know it was becoz of the brave guy whose escapades have been mentioned above.

PS: If the pearly gates of heaven are actually there, I see some chap reading to me this stuff, and kicking my ass to some plane in flames written on “Departures: Final boarding call: Destination: HELL: Return time: NEVER”

April and May 09 - Oh what a bummer!!

The year is almost ending and we were just on March. Lets do a double month here shall we, April and May, here goes;

A survey done in April showed that online shopping was low in Uganda. Let’s see why. After Nigerians scammed many Ugandans with that crap of “Mo nem is Chuu Achukwu, I om a kozin to Soni Abocha, sond me yo e-mail odress and bonk occount details and we sholl share de monny equally!” After that shit, who will return to the internet for online anything?

Dream galz split! If anyone had known that this could actually still be a news item on the archives of a country’s history, they would shudder with so much shame, even Nsaba Buturo’s statements will seem like a better option to read!

April 16^th, the fire-spitting, or is it saliva spitting IGG Justice Faith Mwondha, who had become a ball and chain around the neck of any chap that was in charge of even the slightest dime was re-appointed as IGG and her deputy sent packing to idle-land, also called indefinite leave. The IGG, who had refused to be vetted by those thieving buggers, also known as MP3 players, or rather MPs, had insisted she had been chosen by God (a personal and family friend) and could only be vetted by Him.

Down South in SA, the chap who washed his belongings with hot water to avoid catching the real cause of these numerous “get off the sexual networks” ads, a one J Zuma, was on his final campaign trail, and got a surprise visit from the man whose wife waited 27 years for him while in jail only to be divorced like a bad skin disease, on the 28^th year, a one Nelson Madiba the Hardest!!

28^th April, Nakumtt Oasis launched, but unfortunately, the corporatal beer guzzlers and party blasters were pissed to the core, when they went there and found that all investments were geared toward escalators, banks, a large shopping mall (like we don’t have many) and silly coffee shops! Where is the cinema? Where is the bar? Where is the disco?

Sunday May 2^nd, rally driver Riyaz Kurji drove off the course drawn on his map and into an anthill, unfortunately, not even the airbags could save him. He died instantly.

On 8^th May, Orange (those Quality-minded buggers) announced that Shaggy was coming to Uganda. Their expatriate staff were so excited they were going to see a superstar for the first time in Africa, while the locals were like twakoowa!! Insiders were overheard opining that Shaggy, who was returning to Kampala for the 23^rd time (he first came with the NRM government) had a secret family in Entebbe that he was coming back to see, but disguised it as a concert!

Well, as u can clearly see, no news is boring news, 2 months of total bullshit!! When are the riots reaching?

The dime is in Communication Bitch!!

Looks like the radio station business is booming, like a freakin nuclear bomb on a test from Iran! Last time we checked, there were like 156 licensed radio stations, and the Uganda Communications Commission has just moved into one of the most ballistic buildings in Bugolobi, meaning they are making a killing in terms of currency points. These pumpkins have the audacity to kumanyiira taxpayers by putting a sauna and gym in their premises, and wait for it, the big one…..a day care center for children of the chaps that work in there!

How important is this crap? A sauna for the workers? And just opposite this building, ok not exactly opposite, but in the vicinity, is the ONLY free drugs for all clinic, in Kiswa, and since the doctors don’t have a day care center, they are off on Sundays, so if u are a rioter, housemaid or boda boda lumpen, never get malaria on a Sunday, otherwise it’ll be yo last headache!!

So how can you….yes you, the enterprising fella, cash in on this communication blitz, well you just start a radio station too. What did u say? I cant hear you? How to run it? Simple, just follow these guidelines;

1- The morning breakfast show: U will get a noisy guy, and a noisier chick to present on this show, and once in a while throw in a 3^rd chap just to make it look as if you actually care for the listener’s lousy views! Make sure these guys forge topics every morning, and pretend to the public mbu someone has written a letter and is seeking advice. Always let it be about love, coz as said before, men and women are totally different species, so the guy will always have a different opinion on the matter from the chick, this will make listeners think that they have “chemistry” so they will keep calling in! Forge a story like “erm, this letter is from Stella, now Stella says her boyfriend is still in love with his first love and he cant make up his mind, what can I do?”

Lady Presenter: Stella, do yourself a HUGE favour and leave that idiot alone…

Guy presenter: But honestly, let her give him time to think about it…..

Both: Callers, what do you think? The lines are open 0914-222222 call in now!!!

Now that’s what I call fast cash!

2- An easy phone number: Keep the listeners calling in by getting an easy to cram number from the million phone companies we have, so when the morning show buggers say “call in and advise Trishia on this problem”, chaps have the number off head, and by the way, u receive a dime for every call made to this number! So make it 0914-222222

3- Lunch hour request: Around this time, most corporate buggers have gotten a small break from that dictator/terrorist also known as the boss. At this time they like to listen to a particular song before they go back to the terror squad known as office, they will definitely call in at this time.

Scenario: Hi, this is Patrick, please play for me the song “we shall overcome” by Don Williams, for my listening pleasure. Ka ching, dimes in the cash till!

4- Evening drive: This show also usually has 2 presenters, but in most cases 1 loud bugger is good enuff. Don’t bother the people in Finance with requests to buy more CD’s, just make these guys read the newspapers and come up with the day’s topic, then people will call in like a problem, gone are the days when Rasta Rob played more music, and even Mitch tried, but these days, talk, talk and more crappy talk, cheaper for you, the radio station owner!

5- Late Date / Late night drive / Midnight love: This is the final show you will have to present to your listeners. Just get a guy with a deep voice, if you cant, get a chap and put him so close to the microphone and set it to some computer program called “voice interchanger”, available from all software pirates in any of the plazas in town. Get some broke campus chicks and give them airtime, chips and chicken and a free kabiriiti phone and instruct them to keep calling to air out some imaginary problems that this deep voiced fella will dispense some advice on! In about a month, REAL people with REAL problems will start calling in too. Investment? Chips, chicken and airtime – results? Very good!

If advice followed above works, then you shall be receiving dimes from all these advertising chaps in tow, and your license fees shall construct a swimming pool for the employees of the Uganda Communications Commission. Good Luck!

What it do....March 09!!

March 09, a very weak month at the pearl. Well, lets see what happened anyways!

March 5^th, now that’s how bad March was, there was no news from 1^st to 4^th, but on 5^th, an LRA top dawg, a one Kwoyelo, was harvested like a drunk grasshopper from the jungles of the Garamba Forest in the Congo, he was roasting elephant meat! This punk was flown into Entebbe aboard one of the army’s military choppers, and disembarked looking like a demented witch that had just fallen off it’s blazing broomstick, coz he was all strapped in tubes of water dripping right into his bloodstream since he had a couple of bullets lodged in his intestines. He is still in custody.

The ICC, having missed the chance to nab Kwoyelo since he was not on their warrant list, got so pissed that they were going to be bored this year, and instead issued an arrest warrant for Sudanese prez, a one Omar el Bashir, on March 6^th. He was baptised by the ICC Chief Prosecutor as a “war mongering punk that should be brought here to white man’s land so the blacks wont be killed”. The Sudanese officials of course, in typical style, showed the middle finger to international reporters, when asked to comment on the issue. They are still holding it up!

6^th – Dreadlocked bugger Bebe Cool made a Bebe Fool out of himself when he announced that his Hummer was on the Mombasa – Nairobi route heading straight to his rented 3 bedroom house compound. This was despite the fact that his Range Rover had just been attached as collateral for a debt of about 20 million bucks, which is the same amount a Hummer fetches in just taxes alone, but since the Hummer hasn’t arrived, guess it was good publicity for his next album.

About 3 days later, as in 9^th, should have just typed 9^th instead of feeling cool, mbu 3 days later, who types this shit? anyway, on ze 9^th, a cargo plane carrying supplies to Somalia crashed on take off at the Ebbs airport. We still don’t know whether it hit a pot hole or was trying to dodge it when this happened, but since this is the grand country of pot holes, we don’t need the black box to figure this out. And since only the black box survives plane crashes, why don’t they make the ENTIRE plane a freakin black box?

12^th March, Orange telecom launched. The CEO had these wise words for the anxious clients-in-waiting, “you should not expect lower rates but you will get better quality in terms of value”, a statement that pissed off boda boda goons and houseboys allover the country, “coz they don’t eat quality BITCH!!”, which explains why they missed the Shaggy show to launch this company!

Since there was NO news in March, no riots, no Olympics, just nadda, the final piece of news came in the form of “City socialite and wannabe model Judith Heard got twins”, like we give a rat’s ass!!! Who the hell is this socialite bitch and how much does she give back to the community? And why the hell do people care what’s going on in her life? She should be taught how to use twitter, and leave our papers for more constructive stuff, or better yet, move to the US and hang with Paris Hilton and her small bu dogs on her palms!

Out with March ’09!

Feb 09 - The happenings!!

Feb 1^st really had no news, and that’s why no one was really surprised when the headlines of that day were “George Obama arrested on drug charges”. His claim to fame was that he had the same father as the chap that is now the US president, never mind he lives in a shanty part of Nairobi. Why was this news??

On the 7^th, the mighty visionary Kagu, decided to sell 117 of his cows at an auction and the loot was to be used in government projects. Project coordinators were seen celebrating coz more free money for them to embezzle was coming their way. Apparently these cows were gifts to the prez from chaps within the country, they probably wanted tax pardons or some free acres of land in Lugogo, coz who the hell gives a rich guy gifts?

On 10^th Feb, one of these buggers that keep calling themselves “ba upcoming” a chap called Omulangira Suuna, released a song praising new US head honcho, Obama! He was definitely taking a cue from chaps that have made a killing mentioning the name Juma Seiko in their songs, or G Wavamunno! However, the American President was too busy watching America’s Pop Idol, that this song didn’t get his attention, oh, and also the fact that it was on a writable CD, couldn’t play on Air Force one!

On the 12^th, Tusker Project fame winner, a one Esther Something, said she had finalised her maiden album, 11 tracks to be precise. It’s December, and we don’t seem to have heard the “hits” she claimed took her long to produce. Her manager Straka, who wedded herself to a hospital bed just here last week, was helping her with composing her luganda songs, they were probably about how to plan for weddings!!

A cabinet re-shuffle took place, 16^th Feb, and chaps that had no constituencies were dropped from cabinet, like a bad habit. Suruma of the temangalo fame, Mulira of the blackberry fame and some other chaps we really don’t give a shit about, were re-assigned to other duties, and told to get constituencies of their own, which may probably explain why these chaps want many districts these days. The president’s wife, an owner of her own constituency, benefited from these new developments!

25^th Feb, Owino market was up in flames, like a school dormitory block! Here’s the fun bit, The Fire department, just a couple of feet away from the market, couldn’t put out the fire because…..wait for it……wait for it…..here it comes…….just a sec……they had no water!!!! It took a private company, Firemasters, located 40 kilometers away to come put out the fire. A yellow bus that happened to be passing by got itself a meal of stones from the angry traders, why? Coz that’s the freakin ruling party colour, and they were pissed with whoever was in charge!

Phewks, the month is finally ending, but ofcourse with a few bangs! Prez Kags “the ballistic visionary” M7 donated 1 billion bucks to the Owino market traders to re-build whatever was left of their burnt-up existence. He had probably raised that dime from the afore-mentioned auction, damn, that went well, we’ll all need to get the phone numbers of these auctioneers, 1 billion for a few cows, damn they are good!!

The King of Buganda also donated 5 million bucks, he probably hadn’t got the time to auction anything! He is a nice fella however. The froggy voiced singer Chameleon offered half a million bucks, he had probably spent the rest on medical bills on his countless fractures, never mind these chaps pay him in the millions to see his ass perform, and all he could return was a miserly half?

Ghetto pretender bobi swine, sori wine, had the nerve to say he was donating 10 million bucks, more than the king! Chaps had started ululating when they heard the legendary “wait……it has some conditions. See this here Cadillac, am putting it up for sale, if I get the 10 million, then it’s yours, but just know that in my heart, 10 million has burst to you guys, now, who wants to buy a crappy shiny silver car??” 10 months later, the swine is still driving it! How we forget!

And finarry, on 28^th, MTN brought mobile money. So that meant that now you cant hide anymore from that Uncle that keeps showing up from Ibanda for fees for his 13^th born kid. Now the bugger will simply say “I have been missing to see you in office ALL the time so I have been suffering trying to look for fees, but now MTN has brought you right to my doorstep, so whenever you see my beep at the beginning of the term, please send 100 souzand sillings, sench u very many”……Out with Feb!!

Co-habiting woos!!

Men are a TOTALLY different species from women, which begs the question, what the hell is wrong with Pastor K, and Archbishop Robinson and oh, all those fucked up priests!

Living with a chick though can be a daunting task for we species, coz the rules of engagement (not the fiancé thingy) are from a totally different globe! What’s with the toilet seat being left up? For the sake of the Ibanda chaps, lets explain.

The toilet has a cover, and a seat, so while peeing, the chaps have to lift up the seat so that he doesn’t sprinkle his un-wanted smelly liquids onto the seat, coz that’s property of the chick’s ballistic behind.

Fine, guys put up that seat and go about their bizness, but all hell breaks lose when the chick goes to the facilities and u left the damn seat up!! My goodness, its like a cat whose tail has been stepped on! Chick’s fur beez standing up straight as she rages on about how un-couth yo lazy ass is, cant put the seat back doen??? Who the hell do u think you are??

Then of course the argument starts, and trust chicks to always remember stuff of ages ago, she beez like “no wonder Maggie couldn’t stand yo ass!!” We are left no choice but to say “that was 21 years AGO, and we were in Kitante!!!”

The worst of course is the ego burster, the killer punch, the shit that drives guys to bars. See, you have just finished eating that ballistic katogo from Romalo, and you dumped the plate in the sink, and went back to blast on a pirated copy of 30 rock, its new godamit, clarity don’t count here! Then she walks in, mama mia!!

“You good for nothing BASTARD, cant you wash yo plate, do I look like a slave to you???”

“Look, the maid will wash them”

Then the punch, un-called for, you be still in the argument then she goes;

“pre-mature ejaculator!!”

So we all congregate in Gabiro, to maturely DRINK PINTS!!! If we had Tiger Woods dime, we would just buy a huge ring every time we forgot to wash the plates, and oh, give up our careers too!! Way to go Tiger, on the solution to this predicament.

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to matters described above are PURELY coincidental!!