Grey's Mulago Anatomy!!

It is January something-th 1965, and elevators have just been introduced to Mulago Hospital. Fast forward 45 years later, and nothing’s changed! This is a very big clue as to why the movie “Last King of Scotland” was heavily done in Mulago, all that the guys had to do was shoot the scene, then add some old cars to it!

Getting to this place reminds you that yes, the world will end, and you are goin’ to kick it! ♪Can I kick it…….yes you can!!♪ Where was we? Ah yech..the elevator!

Did you know that the Mulago elevator has an operator?? Me neither!! There’s a chap that sits there, so you have to tell him what floor you are headed to (they are like 5), then he pushes for you the button! This is great, I would NEVER have reached 3^rd floor without the genius thinking of whoever put this guy there, coz getting to that button must be some hard shit!! This guy did industrial engineering goddamit, push a button? Now that’s some hard stuff!

Getting off the elevator (after trying not to breathe for like 5 minutes – germs and all), one enters a kind of flea market, all sorts of people just there on their floor – with their kids – and wires hanging from them to a nail on the wall, IV they call it. You’ve got to do some side-stepping moves to get through the crowd, coz the chap you know is in the “private wing”, which is a small cubicle at the corner of the ward.

It’s around this time that you ACTUALLY feel the malaria is kicking in, you feel nauseated and taste aspirin every second you breathe, and start asking questions like “why the hell did this guy get messed up? I should never have known him?” But that’s only if you are a Budo fella, they can’t stand this shit – mixing with poor folks! “Am Budonian goddamit, gotta sticker on the bumper of my car to show for it bitch!” they quip.

The so-called private wing ain’t that private, coz there’s 2 beds, and the other bed is occupied by some old chap, keeps coughing for air (ooooh, that’s so mean) and his equally old wife is trying to stuff brown porridge down his throat (ooohh, that’s so mea…..piss off conscience!)

Now you want to give this chap you came to visit his splash and take off, but the chick you are with starts asking stuff of “how are you feeling?” not good I’d suppose, I mean he just fell off a bike for christ’s sake. Then the card is unleashed “Get well soon you boda-riding punk you” didn’t we tell you to walk instead? He had a deal? Well how’s the deal going now? What? They cancelled it? What do you know! Next time be patient aaiit? Oh sorry, you are patient as we speak, hahaha patient, be patient, next time! (making fun of the sick will bring bad luck, if only you believe that shit!)

Time to leave “bodaboda” ward (fact: almost 5 boda accident victims enter this ward every hour, it was re-named boda-boda) and the side-stepping resumes, this time we have to use the steps, and some chap is spraying chlorine all-over the crib, smells like an empty swimming pool, but with a strange pungent twist, as if “Capital Pub”, so now you are falling sick for real, feels like food poisoning, but it’s the effects of the spray.

Now you vow never again to watch “House” or “Scrubs” coz hospitals ain’t that cool after all. Just pray you never get sick!

Jehova’s "rather annoying" Witnesses!!

It’s an early Saturday morning, taxi touts are wailing their voices hoarse as they call out for chaps right outside yo house (instead of just going for a kasiki – if the objective is to lose the voice), the room looks hazy (effects of the kasiki), then a bang on the door;

That shit of saying “who is it?” ended in the 90’s, these days we just open the door. Some ruggedy-looking character stares at you, expecting that you know him and his purpose;

“Goodmorning Sir, I am from blah blah blah ministries, could I take just 5 minutes of yo time?”

“What is this shit about?”

“Did you know that Jesus loves you?”

“Where the fuck is that guy? How did you get his number? Why didn’t he just call me to say so?”

“Oh, you know we have met so many of your kind, doubting Thomases, but we keep the faith, one day you shall accept him, Timothy chapte……..”

“Cut, cut, cut, cut that bullshit! Look, my neighbour may stand yo shit, but am not going to let you lecture me on your stuffs, I gotta headache, and I love the satan chap that made me blast all night, come back anatha time!”

“Ok, just keep these books atleast”

Then the chap leaves 2 books called “Watchtower” and “Awake”, y’all must have seen these nicely coloured little pamphlets, must cost a heavy dime. Then the articles just confuse the mind, the one I have now (latest edition, perks disadvantages of living next to the road, ah heck, these bastards will find you anywhere) has the following;

When was Jesus born; Was he really born in December? Does it really matter? Now this was some interesting shit! Finally someone believes Christmas was invented by Uchumi supermarket, so they hit their yearly targets in a month, so I attempted to read this stuffs, and it went thus;

“THE exact date of Christ’s birth is not known,” says the Encyclopedia of Early Christianity.” These guys went ahead to bash chaps for celebrating the day that was apparently forged, and they even add that God him-u-selef told chaps not to watste time on this birthday stuff.

This leaves me TOTALLY confused! Chaps are walking door to door telling guys “oh shit, sorry, but what the first white guys told you is some bullshit, this is the real deal.

The biggest hard hitting one in the latest edition, is the article that says “being born-again is total bullshit” am pretty much sure these guys have a website with the same stuff, so all ye folks that think am on the usual 7^th day absenteest stuff, you are wrong.

As a chap that hates competition, am getting really pissed with these jehovah buggers, ruining the flow of anti-establishment, coz when u are many (anti-christmas chaps), the whole thing becomes stale, so now I have to end that shit, and pick on someone else, to hell with those chaps, NEVER open for them your doors!

Sorry Sir...it's a security pre-caution!!

The security level has been heightened, to green, possibly from purple or magenta. At this rate, security organs (that sounds like the liver, lungs and other body organs) are going to run out of colours for the various security levels! When some Nigerian chap was caught with a bomb in his underwear (how serious could a piece of wire sharing space with pubic hair really be) the security level was heightened, even here at Bodaboda (the bar that looks like a home decoration showroom, as if Nina Interiors), bouncers were seen fondling boys testicles looking for wires in their panties, or boxers, depending on whether one was a pastor (panty-wearing fuckers) or corporatal buggers (boxer-wearing posers, how do I know, it’s the commonest gift from chicks these days, on these chap’s bdays).

When the Togolese footballers got themselves a bus ride through a hail of bullets, the security level at Iguana was increased, the Iguana bastards put 2 security men at the entrance with all sorts of gadgets to check we pint-loving chaps. And the level should have been reduced, coz why would these Togolese nuts drive into Congo? Even Kagu stopped at the border goddamit!

Going to the airport these days is such a disaster, and am not talking of the chaps that be leaving, am talking of the chaps picking up people. It used to be that when one was leaving, he would go through about 3 different checks, and the most one would do in the name of being checked was to remove a belt, meanwhile if you were just dropping someone, you would just walk downstairs and chill at the Crane cafeteria, no checks. Unfortunately we are now living in a global village, also known as United States. When the US bastards increase their security bullshit colours, we are quick to copy and paste. These days dropping someone off at Ebbs is crappy. The entrance to the terminal has a super sensitive machine, even a metallic button makes noise, so avoid wearing jeans, coz these bastards will think it’s a wire in the boxer, kumbe it’s just yo button.

Avoid having stinky feet, coz these days the shoes have to go off, kama what or what! If you are the bling bling kinda fella, a super retarded little midget that thinks Lil Wayne is a cool cat, yo gonna be in for the roughest ride of yo life, coz all that fake shinny shit on yo wrists, plus the large clock with a spinner hanging on your neck will have to get off, you’ll just be talking nonsense mbu “dawg dawg, y’all peeps need to chill me y’all, calm the fuck down man, this is how I roll dawg, I aint gonna blow shit up y’all, that steeze is for punk ass mo fos!!”

Just here 2 days back, an Air Uganda flight was re-called while en-route to Juba, apparently this was after a warning from US security agents. What’s with these guys, now they are tired of scaring their own people they have jumped on our shit! Am sure the shareholders of Air Uganda are still cursing these US buggers for making them waste fuel.

Some chap was saying we should stop using colours to grade security levels, coz colours don’t scare shit outta anyone, they should rank the threat by STD’s. So if a Nigerian punk, having failed to get dimes through your email, decides he wants to meet 78 virgins in heaven after blowing yo asses to smithereens gets caught with funny looking wires in his pants, and they are not earphones for his i-pod, the security level should be heightened to gonhorea, that way chaps will be like “ok, he may have a bomb, but we’ll survive at least”. Then if the threat is like the real deal, where the suicidal guys have even sent the dimes they received to their family, and now the family has bought an escalade to pose mbu now they are rich, then the threat should be put at full blown AIDS. Now that will scare the crap outta guys. They will be seen repenting for having been an active member of a sexual network, with nuns!

Alternatively, they should stop giving that horny royal bastard Mswati any more virgins. That bastard doesn’t need them, suicide bombers do! Apparently the promise of 78 or so virgins when they get to heaven after blowing themselves up, in a crowded place, where at least 1 american is present, is what gives them the nuts to do this shit. So if they could be persuaded to go and start new lives in Swaziland, they wouldn’t have to do this shit, that way we can walk in and out of bars, airports, buildings in town, without ever exposing our smelly socks!

Military Coporates!!

One of the best selling books of fiction (just about 3 levels after the bible, yes, fiction) is Tsan Tsu’s Art of War. This chap was giving military advise to war mongering Generals who believe we must live like those animals in Ngorongoro park, the ones that be slicing themselves up as seen on NatGeo wild.

Lions be chasing buffalos all day, and once they have the guy, they go ahead and make buffalo kebabs, buffalo steak, buffalo sausage and all sorts of ballistic meaty stuff, and drink down this roast with a toast of buffalo blood. We humans resort to this kinda behaviour when we have been pissed the fuck off and resort to arms, except Kony, we still have no clue what the hell this chap is angry about, otherwise we would have bought it for him, probably with global Fund dimes, fuck poor guys, they don’t have guns.

So anyhoo, Tsan Tsu was explaining all that shit of platoons, army structure, strategy and all that other stuff you see in movies, but only that this time, the book wasn’t talking about Americans winning every war they put in their movies.

Today however, this book is being used as a guidance kind of thingy, erm what’s that word, erm, tool, yes tool, guidance tool, had to do some corporate speak there. You see, organisations are now run like the military, like soz (have to stop hanging with little campus chicks at T1, they say "like soz" all the goddam time)

Strategy: Tsan Tsu says that when one goes to battle, the generals must first sit down, with maps, walkie talkies and shit, just in case they need to call the wife and say they wont be bringing milk that evening, but shall be dodging bullets in Garamba, or some shit like that (the Togolese punks should have read this, they should have known better not to drive through Congo, those punks) and map out a formula to flush out the guys they are fighting. They split the army into sections, battalions, platoons and divisions, one reporting to the other, each with it’s own commander, and an overall leader.

Corporatically speaking, these divisions include Finance, marketing and sales battalions, HR an Administration platoon, and the Managing Director’s office / Division. The wise ass leader is the bugger with the vision to tell you crap of where he sees the company in the next 5 years, because he has been decorated more than you, with an MBA, Doctorate and many other abbreviations you don’t click, including the BTAFCG (Buzz Teens Award For Cool Geezers). This leader’s authority is usually un-questioned, otherwise you will get a warning letter for “kumanyiira-ing the company visionary.

Tsan Tsu also tells us (we war generals) that we must use foot soldiers to gather intelligence from the communities, coz you can never win a war if the locals don’t like yo ignorant asses, y’all need public support, guns alone don’t do much.

Corporates call these guys sales executives. They went a big step further by taking this “foot soldier” thing too far, nga these bu guys can walk!! The blazing sun beez sending Ultra Violet rays straight into their brains, they are the un happiest job holders in Uganda, right after house maids, but before prostitutes and wanton whores.

They move around trying to be spies, looking for data on what the other company is doing so they do it, talking nice to possible clients (locals) to get them on their side, and once in a while, they go to the rival company seeking employment, with cv’s showing they have done this shit before, they are called defectors, but luckily they are not in the military, else they would have been shot, or clobbered to death with business cards.

As for strategizing, these days you walk in office and the bugger is like "evryone, gather around, today we have a brain storming strategy session, so, what's on your minds folks!"

Chaps that be surfing the net are usually corporatals, so am sure all ye folks are members of a certain battalion here or there, enjoy yo spying days!

Fuel management letters de-classified!!

The letter just lay there on the table, to be fair, it was all it could do. “Dear so-called manager”, it started, I was hooked!! I removed the collar hook that was attached to my new shirt and sat down to read it, the letter, not the hook! “Your incompetence baffles my mind”, it had gone on to add, I immediately knew that this was a good student of Shakespear. “The chutzpah, the guts, the balls you have to deny me this job are enormously gigantic….” I carefully filed the letter in the dust bin!

U may not get what am getting at, but in my managerial days (Yep, I roll like that), I had several letters from the employees, not the MBA type, seeing as they were gas peddlers, aka pump attendants, and I stumbled upon this file, and remembered that first letter, but these are the things you have to go through as an employer, sorry, manager of A’ level drop outs, no offense drop outs……none taken, I presume, so check it out;

To

Human Resource

Sir/Madam

I here by submit in my application into your office. I am Ugandan by nationality and religion by protestant. I managed to pass well S4 but failed to join higher level because of lack of school fees. So I requesting you to employee me I promises to work hard in everything. GOD BLESS YOU.

Yours truly,

Nantume Glorious

(Who the f**k names a kid Glorious? Like there were no baby name books at Aristoc!)

Then this wise ass;

APOLOGY FOR HAVING GIVEN OUT A WATERING CAN

I here by apologise for having given out a watering can to a taxi driver at around 2pm. I was kind of trying to help a stranded customer i.e taxi driver in particular, when he proved to not be co-operative at all. Here comes this guy in a situation whereby he is pressed against the wall and I was the only one who could save him, so I decided to get him out of the ditch in which he was stranded.

I offered the guy fuel in one of our cans and he promised to bring it back sooner than I thought he could. He left 10,000 with me as security, but to my utter disbelief, he came back at 6pm and that’s when all hell broke loose after the manager finding out that I had given it to him. In short, that’s what transpired and I apologise for the scene I created.

Kula Dante

(Oooohh cooool, am sure the mom had watched the Pirce Brosnan flick Dante’s peak, then named this little bugger of….sorry, bundle of joy!)

And then the chap attempting, but not a wise ass...

Statement of coaster

It was on Thursday afternoon a coaster came on my pump he told me put in for ten thousand then after he came back on my pump and he told me you diesel or petrol then I say that I put in petrol, then after he came to the manager around 6.47 that Enos he didn’t put for me fuel then I say that I put fuel, so I cant curr with coaster.

So am sorry for that manager am sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Thank you sir manager.

I pologyse for what I did to coaster manager I will never, never, never, never do it again, next time chance me manager.

Thank you sir manager.

Mugasa Enos

And finally….the winner (if u understand this, u are true management material)

RE – APPLOYG LATTER

I kindly apploige for having not possed that I will never do it.

Yours faithfully

Jackson Kato

And that was my morning. I apploige but i gots to go!!

7 ways to stay healthy!!

So you have made a resolution to keep healthy this year, or rather, just the first three weeks of the year before you get more important shit to do, like chill a café pap and read a novel or something along those lines, just chillin’.

You have no idea how to keep this resolution, but luckily for you, you have just stumbled upon something that will make this resolution a reality, just 7 simple steps to keep healthy, for as long as the resolution holds.

1 – Lose weight – A very common resolution, coming a close second to “stop smoking”. You have 2 options; the first, just walk along Kampala streets and look out for those posters saying “lose weight while still eating, call 075X-XXXXXX”. Look up that lumpen that owns that phone and he gets you some powder of sorts that he’ll tell you to add to yo meal, probably Johnson’s baby powder, but what the heck, you have faith in the chap. Or, u can just drag yo ass to one of the many “health clubs” in town, pay membership and use their gym facilities, never mind these “health clubs” have the best bars and roast pork right outside their gyms, irresistibly ballistic I might add, the roast that is, so u get to pay them to lose weight, then pay them again when yo done gyming, in the name of "2 sticks of pork, with accompaniments" to gain back the weight, bright chaps these guys.

2 – Get a checkup - See your doctor if you don't know your most important health numbers: cholesterol, blood pressure, blood sugar and BMI (body mass index). Just know that “consultation fees” have gone up to 35,000/=, and that’s before the guy gives you the magic numbers, that amount is just for “saying hi” to the doc. An alternative is to get a job with a corporate slave driver e.g banks and telecom chaps, they usually have medical insurance schemes, use it to the fullest. If the doctor bugger gives you 8 years to live coz of that high cholesterol stuffs, tell him you’ll pay him in the 10^th year, that way, he has to figure a way to keep you alive longer.

3 – Eat healthy – So sorry campus chap (and recently employed bachelors), but rolex isn’t classified as healthy eating, for supper, lunch and breakfast all at once. Fine, it helps with that other resolution of “save dimes and rent my own house this year” but fucks up the resolution of “stay low on charcoal pieces in my food” and “eat less food packaged in polythene bags”.

4 – Sleep lots – If you are one of those unfortunate chaps that have a makeshift church outside yo home, burn the bitch down (the church), coz u need to sleep for 7 hours, forget Napoleon’s crap of 4 hours for men and 8 for women, its 7 to 8 for all. U be there in yo 6^th hour of sleep, then u hear that “kumbaya” bullshit from across the road, and wonder whether these buggers have also cut short God’s sleep with their noisy praises, no wonder its so hot these days, God has no ample time to make nice weather coz some singing idiots keep waking him up and messing with his resting cycle, these Christians need to cool it down, the prayers that is!

5 – Drink less sugary stuff – Like a stale beer maybe, or Moonberg lager.

6 – Avoid eating in front of your TV – Av also hahad this one. Apparently being distracted while you eat is un healthy, probably the stomach is an attention craving little bitch that is so jealous of the TV and wants you to give it it’s all, never knew that!

7 – Eat lots of veggies and fruits – If you cant come across cabbages and carrots by day's end, get some grass from the compound and steam the stuff, and not Bobi Wine’s kinda grass, but the stuff that chaps use to make brooms.

I'd rather be blogging!!

Phewks, the damn holidays are over, till March or April when these god chaps remind us that Jesus died, again, and resurrected, AGAIN, and chaps will be falling over themselves at Uchumi trying to get their paws on caricatures of easter bunnies to take easter eggs to their kids, and later on in the year, chaps shall be flooding “wherever it’s happening” with weird costumes mbu its Halloween, and then next will be the turkey-slicing craze, of sijui thanksgiving!! I vote in favour of returning colonialism, why did we ever kick out the British and their “nice ways”, only to try and practice the same shit all by ourselves?

In the spirit of maintaining this culture, we shall have new year’s resolutions, as made by everyone else; I personally promise to remain a skunk!!

1 – Politicians – We resolve to steal dimes in a more discreet way. We promise not to build houses here in Ug where everyone can see and question which projects the dimes came from.

2 – That chap at the Ministry of Education – I promise not to employ any more relatives in the Ministry. I had even appointed my mom to do some stuffs with the UPE project but now she’s on her own.

3 – That 12 year old ka girl at Kitante – I promise not to look at boys.

4 – That broke chap at yo office, ati office messenger – I resolve to work REAL hard this year, this is the last year for this brokenness bullshit!

5 – That corporate chap – This year, I have to get one more degree – oh, and a promotion.

6 – That corporate boss – This year, we shall hit all our targets, and get a 5 percent growth in sales, we shall achieve this by blocking facebook first!

7 – Opposition politicians – We shall abuse the President fewer times, and talk about real issues, well, fewer times too.

8 – Smokers – We SWEAR, we SWAGGER on our mom’s graves, this year, FOR REAL REAL, we shall stop smoking, if not, we shall reduce to 1 pack a day, but we SWEAR for real this time, forget the last seven new years we’ve been promising, this time, this is it!!

9 – Fat chaps – We shall exercise more this year, gym, sauna, what, we shall be there. MTN marathon, we shall be the first to register, burgers and that other Nandos stuff, to hell with them (although a dominoes pizza every after the workout never killed anybody).

10 – The 32 year old chick – I HAVE TO GET MARRIED!!! Oh, and have a kid too!

11 – The 25 year old graduate that just got a job at MTN – I shall get a girlfriend, and buy her a phone!

12 – Bebe Fool – I shall bring in the Hummer………eh eh maama its for rio rio……gwe this time am not playing those of those….kale u wait and see me, u will know who is big!!

13 – The ardent book lover – Try to understand the REAL message in The Secret!

14 – Porn collector – Collect as many porn movies as possible to elevate my religion to porn again status!

15 – The blogger – Ah well, what can we say, we’d rather be blogging as usual!

16 – Married buggers in sexual networks – We promise, SERIOUSLY, that we shall not drive our cars into trees outside our homes, chicks fall out a 'em godammit!!

17 – Single chaps – We shall trick all our married friends to knock trees, we want to pick up the chicks!

Resolution for blogger: Done!