This Is It!! Or Is It?

If you have MEGA plans for 2012, u better change yo dreams! Well, that’s if u watched that excuse of a movie 2012 (very many thanks to cable, I had failed to raise 13 g’s when it premiered in December, heck, I haven’t even got the dimes for Avatar now goddamit!)

This silly (and rather nauseating) movie is as usual, about an American punk, a mere limo driver (as if Imelda Kula’s husband) and also a science fiction author (as if Bishop TD Jakes) stumbles upon a hush-hush US government project (he bribed some presidential advisor) to save all genetically gifted and the heavily dimed American chaps from an impending catastrophe (as if Haiti and Katrina combined, only that this one has more white people) that shall wipe out the entire world as we know it. The world, as usual, is New York, Paris, some bits of Italy and well, some highways in Australia. Of course Africa as usual, has no landmark (except starving kids and flying bullets, and oh, some machetes along the way) and therefore doesn’t feature in the destruction of the world.

So when this taxi-driving bugger lands on this plot, he runs off to save his ex-wife (oba why, that’s why they call it ex, bitch!) and their kids (and deliberately leave his mother-in-law locked up in the garage). From here on, the ground starts breaking apart, matter of fact, everywhere this bugger steps, an explosion goes off just 2 inches behind, when he touches a building, it collapses like the twin towers, he goes on a plane, the run way just splits up! (If you are a sucker for plot in a movie, just drop by Cine 2 and probably catch “My brother’s keeper”, otherwise, this is just about explosions, bombs, and yet anatha American hero).

At the end of the movie, the American, plus the other most important people in life, American punks, survive. The rest of us guys, have meanwhile died, like roaches feasting on doom spray in their cupboard hideouts!

This movie revolves around a prediction by the Mayan civilisation, that says the world will end in 2012, a prediction that they made about 200 years before they were wiped out like viruses in a quarantined area, wonder why they couldn’t predict their own demise (the rocks that they used to write predictions on must have run out of space when they got to 2012).

These white chaps, why do they have to profit from scaring people all the time? They had Y2K in 1999, making chaps buy Anti-viruses by the drum loads, and nothing came to pass. They then sent Kibwetere leaflets to murder chaps in the name of the world ending. Then they made blockbusters like “Independence Day”, “The Day after Tomorrow” and “Dante’s Peak”, all showing the end of life as we know it (As in New York, Washington and London, and a bit of Paris, just to legitimise the word world), but the beginning of their richness, through we buggers that be queuing up at Cineplex.

Another confused bugger wrote a book titled “The Bible Code”, sold so big, he even did part 2. What this confused Jew bugger was doing was “interpret” the Torah, that’s the Bible in Hebrew. The chap apparently uses some mathematical calculations that bring up a series of sentences, and he claims he saw “twin towers 9/11”. The punk, who must think humans are probably the densest chaps that ever existed (he’s partly right, coz the part 2 of the book sold like a billion copies) goes on to say that the bible, through codes, showed that “George W Bush wins election, Al Gore Supreme Court”, what a bunch of pansies!

Why cant this bugger just look through the bible and tell us if FDC has any chance at next year’s election, or the bible only deals with US stuff and their bullshit? Or if Tiger Woods will come back to golf (Not that we give a rat’s ass but just for just)? Or maybe if Spanish soaps will stop being bought by Ugandan TV networks as if “Sanford and Son” dvd’s cant be found (yeah, American too, but quite funny!)

In the Noose this week!!

Newspaper editors are making us (we chaps who remove staples, read the damn papers and staple right back) very pissed, neva mind we don’t pay (see brackets preceeding these brackets to confirm that both stuff in the brackets conform, then leave brackets and continue with the damn story, will ya? Sench u for yo-wa co-operation)

This entire week has been full, and without any sensible reason, of these 10 year olds that have just gotten their PLE results. Next week, we shall be chocked down our throats with O Level results. Matter of fact, even ENTIRE lists of those graduating from whichever of the existing 20 universities are printed in the national papers! What crap!! We want news goddamit, that’s why we call them news-papers, not announcement papers!

Here is a brief look at what my newspaper would look like, if I discovered that these silly results thingies sell;

1- West Nile’s best could miss secondary

In what seems like a Mel Gibson movie where the main star has to seriously get fucked up like a freakin little criminal, John Starks (the main character of this plot) who apparently was the only chap to score aggregate 4 in the ENTIRE West Nile region (this is some bullshiee) might not go on with secondary school coz his parents dimes are way to low to pay for the stuff this ka bright chap may need to get that engineering degree he is still dreaming of. On learning this, John has since reduced his dreams to vehicle mechanic maintanace as-if engineer but just a mechanic, as the technical schools nearby could take him on for little dimes. You can help him though, by contacting our offices, you nice guy you!!

2 – Mityana’s best wants to be priest, and probably pope, if he continues with this "best" stuff

Wilson Kasozi, one of the hardest chaps outta Mityana (erm, it’s somewhere in the middle of Uganda, as if near Lake Kyoga) says he wants to be a priest. In a strange twist of events (most best chaps say doctor, engineer and other stuff that needs lots of reading, and not reading facebook walls, but real books) this guy ought to be the first chap we have heard of that did well at school, but aims for some stuff that doesn’t require lots of brain, but faith. Apparently he has been inspired by the school’s parish priest, whom he used to do housework for, and probably spend a few night’s in his arms, and eat chocolates and stuff from this guy, coz that’s how they roll bitch!

3 – Mukono’s best wants to be engineer

Yeah, and so did ALL of us. Well, if he gets to secondary school and joins interact club or the debate club, his wishes will be turning to Lawyer and Mass Comm graduate as the years gradually pass by, however after A level, he shall have settled for Social Circus at any campus, so this headline shall have been a waste of ink.

4 – Jinja’s best prayed to God

Kikwete Alex scored aggregate 6 but was Jinja’s best, he attributed this to his daily prayers to God for success. No wonder the ka idiot got 6, he could have gotten a 4 if he just read his books instead!

“God, whats up, its me Alex yet again, I have sent many prayers but you are not replying, is Warid down? Anyhoo, I have just been passing through this science book and I can assure you, stuff beez tight!! I still cant figure if the fish breathes through the fin or through the gills, that one, I tell you, has jammed. So what you can do for me player, well, just sort out these examiners so they don’t ask about fish, sawa?? Laterz dude!!”

See, that’s how you get 6 punk!

5 – Kaliro’s best attributes success to canes

First off, where the hell is this Kaliro place? Am sure they got lots of forests and twigs to cane these bu boys! This chap (Kaliro’s so-called best) must aspire to be a pastor, or a pastor’s assistant, coz no one likes a hot butt more than pastors, he could do very well for himself in that area. Since caning has been banned from most of the major sensible schools, this guy is sure going to flunk his A levels coz he may have nuttin to inspire him from now on, he should probably give his dimes to West Nile’s best.

After my PLE (I was Wakiso’s 987^th best), these New Vision bastards didn’t even want to know what I wanted to be. I would probably have said pilot, coz those posers walk into airport terminals like movie stars with 5 BALLISTCLY BALLISTIC escorts wheeling suitcases, but then again what the heck, with aggregates like 17, who gives a shit what your retarded ass wants to be? Oh, I know, a POLITICIAN!! (they are ALL accepted here).

A teen's blogpost y'all!!

The so-called queen’s language is taking interesting dimensions, as new slang crops up every other generation. In our hip days, females were known as kyanas, or byana, depending on what school you went to. We have since adopted to chicks, while the little irresponsible midgets / brats refer to them as shawties now.

Having a conversation with these retarded (and mostly broke) punks can easily send you into a comma as a result of a brain overload to the part of the brain responsible for putting interpretation to words, just imagine these lumpens get a website where they interview the vice-president;

Q: Yo dawg, wass cracka-lackin hommes?

VP: Did you just call me a dog?

Q: Peep this man, this cat don’t know a dawg dude!!

VP: Did you just call me a cat?

Q: Yo Chill out hommes, we just wanna get the low down on the peeps that be takin facebook snaps of ya’lls papayas dude!!

VP: Get these idiots out, NOW!

Q: Yo Chill out son!

VP: Am not yo son...!!!

So Mr VP, don’t be so concerned, but yo PR chaps should have warned you, this is the new lingo, adopt or retire. Let me do what yo highly paid PR’s should have told you before accepting interviews from the juvenile lumpens, yeah yeah I know u are a busy cat, and you have to leave, but al be done in a jif, see, that’s even shorter than a jiffy!

Lumpen: Dawg, y’all must be a mean cat, yo pimp hand is way strong, y’all have survived almost three-zo playa-hatin’ attempts on yo ass dude;

Interpretation: Just Chill out, what this circus reject is trying to say is that you have some very tactical ways (pimp hand) of dealing with your political detractors (player haters) and have survived three (three-zo) attempts at yo VP seat.

Lumpen: Peep this yo, those mo-foz done messed up and taken snaps of dem papaya fruits and posted them up all over the media crib dude, but yuz is a cool cat, always to sneak outta there as a fresh animiz y’all;

Interpretation: Just Chill out man, what this bed-wetting punk is portraying is that despite the fact that these guys took photographs of yo paw paw trees so they report on you to the press that you have massive wealth, you came out of the scandal on an as-is where-is basis, some mahogany stuff dude;

Lumpen: Yo dawg, gots some low low that yo side-shawtie hoochie mama was up to no good, trippin all over the press that you done flicked her ass back n forth, rocked her world like a darn rodeo jerk, and u done messed her marriage dude, what’s with that steeze player?;

Interpretation: The half-wit moron’s question here basically is that some chick (shawtie) has been to the papers saying she had sexual relations (flicked her ass) with you, and stuff of the like, so what would you say to that, and also, you are not a sportsman (player) and also, JUST CHILL OUT man!

Sperm....Spam mail!!

Spam mail is on the rise. I be getting weird mails from this chick Lisa, who is insisting that I view her pics. Then I be getting invites from “FuckBook”, mbu Jackie wants to be your friend. The Viagra guys however send spam, or is it sperm, on a daily. Cheap Viagra is what they say, wonder how they figured I needed this shit. “Enhace your guy: Add 5 inches now, free monthly trial inside” are the other ridiculous messages featuring in the inbox, it’s just weird when I be opening mail in a café and have to hide these things.

There is however this mail that came marked as spam, but I was not sure. I even resigned from any obligations I had to do for the next 30 years coz am goin to be rich, am goin to be on Forbes magazine “top 10 African billionaires” the title will scream. See there is this guy Uche Ukowchuku, he is a nephew to Sani Abacha, the guy that coincidentally died from a Viagra attack, I think his ghost is the one sending those Viagra mails. So this Uche character says he has FINALLY, after years of legal battles, managed to get some 30 million pounds…..get that? 30 million pounds!! That’s what the next 50 or so wannabees in the next 50 or so lousy Big Brother show winners will earn, combined, in the next 200 years, but am going to get it now!!

I told a couple of chaps, including the landlady of my palatial iron-sheet thatched bungalow to organise the land titles, deeds and all those other documents that show she owns the house, coz I was goin to OWN it in the next couple of hours, all I had to do, was type my bank account details, my passwords for my email accounts and facebook account, and also some money through western union to facilitate the transfer of 30 million pounds to my account, just that he would want to remove 20 million, so I was going to keep 10!

After sending these details, I waited around the place for the mail to tell me to run to the bank, and luckily, I was at the café at Nakumatt, and my account is at KCB Nakumatt, so the dimes would be seconds away as soon as this chap confirmed, and yes, I had sent the dimes through Western Union KCB to facilitate this deal, total input, 300,000 ug bucks, for a cool return of 10 million pounds, more than soccer player’s monthly wages combined.

The café attendant saw me pace up and down so he came over to see “what was up”, I told him I intended to buy the café, so he should be very nice if he still wanted his job! After inquiring what the hell I was exactly up to, I printed out for him the mail from Uche, and showed him the payments I had made, he said it was a scam, but I told him the “just because Uche picked ME, not HIM, was the reason for his rather weird remarks, this was for real.

Within the next 20 minutes, I got a call from one of the characters in my gmail inbox, inquiring why I went to New Zealand without telling him, and how I got stuck at the airport, and why I still need money in New Zealand yet I was answering my phone here in Kampala!

My goodness woolooloo, it hit me! SHIT! I had been scammed!!! Spammed!!! Flim-flammed!! Hoodwinked!!

So fellaz, am in the process of apologizing to all the clients I told to sod off to hell with their bu-little dimes! I am sorry Landlady for saying yo house was shit and I was goin to fix it! I am sorry café boy for saying I could pay yo three months salary in 2 hours’ time!!

Lets end with a popular Nigerian sayin’ chineeke ooohh, u are a foool-oo, trostin os nogerians-oo!!!

Out to change bank details.

(this story has definitely been falsified to give the impression that I had a ballistic day, don’t be a foool-ooo like me-oo!)

The Wrong arm of the law!!

Saddam Hussein's notorious cousin Ali Hassan al-Majid, known as Chemical Ali, was convicted on Sunday in Baghdad, Iraq, and sentenced to hang for ordering the 1988 attacks against the Kurdish town of Halabja that killed more than 5,000 people in clouds of poisonous gas. It was the fourth death sentence for al-Majid.

Ali Hassan had on an earlier judgement received five death sentences for genocide, crimes against humanity (specifically wilful killing and extermination), and war crimes (intentionally directing attacks against a civilian population). He was also sentenced to multiple prison terms ranging from seven years to life for other inhumane acts.

Now how on earth are these guys going to pull this off? Let’s see. The first conviction said he should be hang, then the second involved gassing his ass to oblivion, the third probably a firing squad, the fourth, well, maybe starve him to death. This bugger has been sentenced so many times to death, there is no chance of a presidential pardon, even if it would help the prez get a third term.

This is how I think it will go down;

First, they are going to drag him downtown to where Sadam was hanged, then hang him up high and kick off the stool on which he shall be standing, causing him to freefall and snap his neck like a twig off a Christmas tree, yeah, those we used to snap off to brush our teeth while vacationing at Mt Muhavura.

After this, some witch doctors shall be called to resurrect his ass back to life, “cause we ain’t done with the villain yet”, then he shall be shot to death, to fulfil the wishes of the second court that sentenced him.

Before he can say the words “allah akubar”, his soul shall be caught by some mosquito nets they shall have set up right above the execution guillotine, and he shall be returned to life, coz he still has "2 more death sentences to serve godmmit". His frail self shall then be dragged to the electric chair, where he shall serve his fourth death sentence, but they wont really let him go this time, coz the last sentence has to be served too. But that’s the tricky part, coz in the midst of all this, he also has multiple prison terms of 7 years to life!

How do judges do this shit? They are supposed to be so called learned fellows but the shit they sometimes pull off exposes their stupid side. Like the chap they sentenced to 4 life times in jail! Who thinks of this shit? Do they know “you only live once?”

According to legal brains (that’s how the buggers pose on us) I asked a few questions, a life sentence is 25 years in jail with butt-hungry homo-sapiens, also called butty boys! We don’t know if that applies here in Ug. It seems these sentences used to be carried out in the days when chaps like Abraham used to live till 900 years, but are still considered precedent in today’s cases.

Imagine if African presidents used to rule in the days of Abraham when u live till 900, removing term limits would be for every day, 5 million bucks every 4 years to amend the constitution, and Chemical Ali would have some relief that atleast he would be out, probably at 750 years old.

This is why I fear judges, and their ridiculous bullshit!

You are what you read!!

There’s some stuff known as “reading culture” that is creepin into our society, it’s apparently good, according to those publishers “Fountain”, “Longman” and “Oxford”, who do nothing but print boring “text books” thinking we shall fall over ourselves buying that crap. Their titles include shitty ones like “A concise History of East Africa” and “Water-borne diseases of Equatorial Africa”, who reads this shit?

Next to boxers, the next favourite present chicks give chaps on their birthdays, before they split up and she returns for her stuff, are books, and not this shit from Longman. Recently, I stumbled upon a book called “The Secret” at some house (not published by Longman or Fountain) and proceeded to open it’s pages, since TV was showing “La Tormenta Del Edoso”, or somethn’ of the sorts, on virtually ALL channels (why cant DStv be free).

The first page of the secret was some handwritten stuff, “to you my sweet pie on yo bday, me n u forever babe!!! Love, ………..(insert chick’s name here)

Then the book itself.

It went on to divulge information which shall help you get through with the trials of life, in a nutshell, it was saying…..well, cant really say it, it’s a secret, you know!

Ah what the hell, let’s dissect the bloody thing already. The book claims, that all you need to do, is set yo mind to focus on what you want, and you shall have it, and this process is known as the law of attraction. I have since spent the last 3 or 4 days focusing on snaps of Tyra Banks!

This silly book further goes on to insult our intelligence by saying if you ever wake up and the toothbrush falls to the ground, then by the slightest you get pissed, then several bad shit is goin to come yo way the entire day, however, if you just smile coz the brush fell down, then the day will be as fantabulous as a Fido Dido Chocobar! There will be no traffic jam, there will be no chick in the ATM machine when you get there, the boss will be happy, yo soccer team will win…….blah blah blah.

These are some of the disadvantages the “reading culture” have brought, we tend to believe this stuff.

Looking at magazine racks, one only has to feel sorry for chicks, coz these mags do nothing but mess up with the only powerful tool a woman has at her disposal….self esteem! There’s a variety of them to mess up with chick’s heads, Marie Claire, Oprah, Flair, For Her and the winner of ‘em all, Cosmopolitan! These are women, writing to other women, how to please chaps.

Cosmopolitan for example (found in supermarkets all over the place) has some bullshit of “100 ways to make him happy”, and as a chap who is currently 100% behind the Bahati anti-gay bill (kill me now gay bastards!!) I wish I could get a chance to write for Cosmopolitan coz that title would change to “4 ways to keep him happy”, and they are;

1 – Let the chap pint till whenever

2 – Don’t get pissed coz he didn’t touch the supper – he had pork chops at Mateos godammit!

3 – Don’t check his messages – THEY ARE HIS!!

4 – Don’t set a marriage date 3 days after meeting the bugger!

That’s it!! Forget Cosmolpolitan!

Then “Flair” magazine of this month is talking bout “24 ways to please him in bed”, gee, are they that many? Like what? Get him a pint while you are at it? What’s with all this “advise?”

And where the hell are the men’s magazines? I wish I land on that mag that also has;

“24 ways to delete your messages, before she sneaks up on yo phone!”

“30 ways to have 6 chicks at the same time, and marry just 1”

“15 ways to avoid chowing the housegirl, pint or no pint!”

“How to become the king of Swaziland”

“How to be in the opposition, and avoid rape charges”

“How to be Olara Otunnu”

“A million ways to know she’s fakin’ it”

Now that would be a best-selling magazine.

What would Jesus do..........at yo wedding!!

“Toot toot tooot tooot….” the phone message tone went off, it was an early Wednesday morning, and the jam was piling up outside, coz it was 7 am, just after that over-rated eclipse. A phone is the most powerful tool, coz no matter what it is you are doin, you will always want to check what the message is. Tales have been told by Bernie Mac (RIP) of his time in the midst of a chow when the chick’s phone rang, and the bitch answered it, and was like;

“hello, what am I doing,…errm, nuttin……oooohhh…. what’s up?!!”

The urgency of this message therefore dragged me out of the sticky sheets to search for this nuisance, then opened tha damn thing, and found one of those “8008” thingies;

“We have attended ALL our friends weddings, now it’s our turn to have ours; U are therefore invited for Punk X and Punkess X’s weddings meetings this Thursday at Conclave Gardens, when you reach the Fene tree on Ntinda road, branch off to the right and drive till you see an old bus, that’s the place, bring a friend, u punk!!”

Since the bugger actually helped out at some wedding you were in charge of, you drag yo ass there, then see the budget, big shit I tell ya’. Decorations, filmography, music, venue……things are damn expensive these days, even the chick that places balloons around, in the disguise of “decorations” charges 5 million bucks these days.

The bible, the closest we have to that guy God, tells tales of large weddings, heck, even our very own ancestral tales have it that weddings lasted 6 days or so, matter of fact, when a prince married a chick from another kingdom, the 2 kingdoms would join up, so Kagu’s kid should marry Kibaki’s kid and all this Migingo bullshit shall be solved, just like that.

If only Jesus was present these days, guys would be booking him like those chaps that speak at introduction functions, coz this guy would single-handedly deal with all this craze of wedding meetings.

All one would need to do was to bribe some disciple, so he would bump up yo name on the list of weddings Jesus would attend, it wouldn’t matter that security at yo wedding would be tight, all yo phones would have to remain in yo cars, and the cameras would be confiscated by Jesus’ PGB chaps at the entrance of the wedding venue, which is probably the only thing you would be paying for, 6 millis for Munyonyo.

After confirming that Jesus would attend, you would then have to buy a few drums of water, and make sure they are different, some boiled water, some distilled water, some river water and some mineral water, that way, when the guy casts his fingers in magical jestures and turns the water into wine, you shall have different flavours, sweet white wine, dry white wine, sweet red wine and dry red wine (by the way, you wont have to pay corkage for this stuff, coz it’s already in the drums).

The next step would be for you to dash down to Hot loaf and buy some loaves of bread, then send some chap to Anderita beach to fetch you a couple of fish, 2 nile perch shall do the trick, coz with these, Jesus can feed 5000 people!

Now, with the food and drinks covered, there’s the matter of the church fee. Forget that shit. In yo midst, Jesus will not only pray for yo bloody wedding, he will go ahead and heal those old chaps that have found their way to the wedding, a double blessing, heck, he may even raise some chap that died and really wanted to be at the wedding, a Lazarus of sorts.

So fellaz, if you have already accepted Jesus in yo life, hope these miracles worked for ya!