Finally.....An Apology!!

News streamin in from the religious foundation is strengtehning the faith we 7th Day absentists have in our religion. From Dublin, Ireland, we are told that the catholic church has FINALLY apologised to victims of child molestation by their priests, and the Irish government too was quick to also issue a ki apology for not having followed up on reports from parents that they suspected their young innocent bu boys were walking in a funny way whenever they came from church!

The Cardinal of the Irish church was first to issue the apology, after a 3 year commission of inquiry set by the Irish govt discovered that their priests had been molesting these prospective choir boys since 1930!! The buggers haven't apologised for slavery yet, and it officially ended around 1880, those religious quanks!!

This inquiry comes hot on the heels of the 2002 Boston inquiry of a similar nature, in which implicated priests, who had been repeatedly molesting boys were simply taken for mental rehabilitation sessions after being found guilty, then re-assigned to other parishes. R. Kelly, who was as if guilty of the same charges, just that he went a step further and peed on his victims, and filmed the stuff, and said it was his twin brother, well, recently got away with these atrocious acts. In Uganda, he would have been fined according to those bu small signposts we be seeing, "no urinating here....fine 50,000/=". If the music industry was like the catholic church, after being found guilty, The pied piper and so-called king of R & B would have gone to a mental instituition for like a week, then would have had his ass re-assigned to another record label......virgin records!! Would probably have found MJ there.

The Archbishop of Dublin Diarmuid Martin, who took office in 2004, presented an abject apology on behalf of the church for the inaction of his predecessors. The report, which covers the period from 1975 to 2004, focuses on 46 priests in particular and 102 in general, all working in the archdiocese of Dublin. "I offer each and every survivor my apology, my sorrow and my shame," Martin said.

Bugger, like that will change anything. And apparently, some boy was discovered to have been molested by 2 different priests!! What in the world took his ass back to that church after the first loss of his behind virginity?? That little punk should apologise for making the church apologise for his liking of this shit!! He went back?? Why??

Here's the big one however, the Irish Catholic Church paid some insurance company so that if these reports came out in a bad way, which ofcourse the prelate pumpkins knew would, the insurer would pay any costs that would arise, how convenient, spiritual punks!

The Anglicans are pissed that they have a gay bishop, and want to cross over to the catholic side, while the catholics are pissed that the have gay paedophile priests, well they can't cross over. Welcome to the 7th Day Absentist church, where we tell it like it is! Keep yo kids safe, avoid church!

Murderous Marketing!!

Some quasi geniuses at Unilever, makers of almost everything you find in your loos, from washing soap to Vim, have come up with an ingenious slogan for one of their flagship products, the powder detergent, OMO! The slogan goes, “Omo, dirt is good”.

They even went a step further to make tv ads showing a kid rolling up and down in mud, in a vain attempt to tie his shoe laces, till he gets home all covered in mud, and the mom is soooo excited that she now has a chance to use up that Omo she just bought! Then the lousy ad narrator says dirt is good, coz children get to learn so much, like tying shoe laces, for example.

Askaris and other broke chaps that usually hang in my vicinity, waiting for that legendary 500 bucks coin we “corporatal pretenders” be dishing out to them after they’ve refrained themselves from stealing the side mirror of that jalopy wheelbarrow on 4 wheels, were more overjoyed than mothers of Kintante kids, when they heard that a soap manufacturer has declared dirt as being good. One was overheard saying how he was saving up to bump up to this detergent, distance himself from the usual bar soap, and impress Nantume, that chick that serves katogo at the Prime Ministers building, and how he could now use that dime to go to the tailors and sew up a new belt from the sisal threads he’d been collecting!

Parasites and other germs that be chilling in mud, waiting to enter humans and turn dirty chaps into “river blind” characters were seen celebrating the announcement by Omo, coz now they have been given free breeding grounds, in the name of kids fetching them from muddy areas, for free.

Lice and jiggers were more than ecstatic to hear that Omo has finally stopped fighting their breeding grounds, and has joined hands with them to declare they are the best pals to have.

Some ads completely make no sense at all, like the one of some bugger that hates his chick’s food, “what is this, I cant eat this bad food”, then a chick is like “but when I use Royco, see what happens”, then the lumpen starts showering praises on his now excited wife! I shall personally start yelling at the bu chicks at Chillies the day I discover they are not on this Royco bandwagon!

However, these ads are preferred to these warnings we be getting on a daily. “Get off the sexual network”, the ad screams ALL day. These sexual network chaps really have a dime coz there’s no turn you make and don’t hear their stuff! If you try to dodge the ads, the DJ will have that as his/her only topic, from Sanyu FM to Radio 1. Unfortunately after 5 pints at JK, that’s the last thing on most minds, that’s if you don’t end up in an accident, trying to dodge that pothole.

These however don’t compare to the LOUSIEST of them all, Warid paka last, where some villager is complaining mbu “Mister Cheyamani, there is ku-ledit-y ku-lanch, fuel-o ku-lanch…..” That’s when u feel like punching the speaker!

So all those against adverts, we need to pay like Dstv for a radio station, 30 gs a month and get spared this shit.

Out!

Warning, Christmas Shoppers!!

We here at the The mall Police are writing this letter to warn you. You probably have never heard of us and didn't even know that we existed. Yes, we do exist! It is our job to watch shoppers and to be sure that no offenses are committed. You have grievously erred and are receiving this friendly citation as your last and final warning.

Mall shoppers are notorious for their offenses. We work very hard on a daily basis. Produce is one of our most difficult beats, and it is there that we first noticed you. You started at the apples and picked only the very biggest and best. Do you not realize that when you choose the best produce only the smaller and less quality items are left for our other customers?

At the egg plant section, you actually reached over the wilted bunches which we had carefully placed near the front and reached all the way to the back to take crisp fresh egg plants. It served you right when the automatic veggie sprinklers came on. You thought that was an accident, didn't you? And the bananas! You passed by the ripe ones and took the green ones! No one does that! Just because they will ripen by the next day does not mean that you should buy them.

We saw you turn over a basket of strawberries to see if there were green ones on the bottom. And you SQUEEZED a melon to see if it was ripe. You were saved only by the fact that you put the melon in your basket after the squeeze. Our swat team was ready to strike. You are very fortunate!

Moving along, we would like to cover a few other matters. We no longer have butcher counters where the butcher can select meat and pass it off -- er -- sell it without regard to quality. We saw you selecting the leaner cuts of packaged meat and checking for excess fat. This, again, is not permitted. Actually, these packages are all pretty much the same and poorer quality items are hidden under the good stuff anyhow. Now that we are wise to you, only the poor quality meat will be in the meat counter when you shop. You may have suspected that we are doing this already.

In regular grocery items, our agents saw that when cans of vegetables were three for 5 thou, you were buying only two. When cans of vegetables are three for a certain price, you have to buy them all whether you need them or not. That is the rule. Never, ever, let us see you buying just what you actually need.

What took place on the bread aisle is a true atrocity. You squeezed several loaves to see if they were fresh before taking one. It is only because our agents are so busy that you manage to get by with this week after week. After all, if we took action against everyone squeezing bread, we would get little else done. (By the way, those rules about squeezing toilet paper are a fallacy. You are allowed to squeeze it. However, if your thumb goes through the wrapper, consider it purchased -- it is yours!)

There are many other violations that we did not cover at all: the way you checked expiration dates on milk, the way you passed over the non-grocery items thinking, no doubt, that you could purchase them cheaper elsewhere. Do you not realize that these items are carried as a convenience for our customers? If you fail to buy them, they might be discontinued. Then what will you do when you need shampoo and don't have time to go elsewhere? See how this works?

In the checkout lines, remember the "no talking rule" and do not complain to your fellow shoppers about how long it takes to get out of the mall. Those little last minute candy items at the check out lines are there to occupy you. Take advantage of the opportunity to run up your bill a bit more while waiting.

Finally, remember we at the Mall Police are always on duty. You may look for our agents in overcoats and for cameras or mirrors in the mall, but you will never see us. Changing malls will not help -- we are everywhere. We are taking notes and you are being observed. Consider this a warning. Change your ways immediately or you may never eat again! And don't bother typing this and placing it in the Suggestion box, it's just a decoration. Now enjoy your shopping!

Pest Invasion!

U know yo way of life has been seriously disturbed when some fellows interfere with yo normal way of life. It's holiday time and all sorts of creatures are making noise in our previously quiet environs.

First, the little rascals are back, reminding every parent to stop drinking his usual 2 pints a day and save for the ka punk to return to school soon, and oh, the increased utility bills at home, plus more cereal and milk for the ka lumpen.

These little fools we have grown used to, so not much complaints. The problem today is with those characters that have just been deported for yet another crime from the so-called "developed" cow-ntries, particularly the US! I was disturbed when a couple of weekends ago, I met these 3 chaps that were up to 2002, rugby club chaps, born, bred and flunked their exams here in Ug. Somehow they went to the US to clean saucepans, wash nappies and carry heavy boxes and made themselves a few dollars, which they spent on ear rings and larger than necessary t shirts, mbu they were in Luisiana with Nelly!

Then as expected, they no longer had any kb for me, they were on their own shit;

"Dawg, last night i got up at 4 am to catch our football game, man I think we shall have a perfect season!"

In my attempt to mix with these lumpens, I was like;

"U mean heathens played at 4am?"

"No dawg, am talkin bout the Giants!! We squashed the Patriots 14-3 at their own home, that coach's gonna git laid to like 30 hoochies tonight dawg, he called the right play when we were just 30 yards from the hommer!! Wonder what will happen when they come to New York"

I don't really get this stuff, chaps that go to India come back just fine, neva to speak like the Gujaratti chaps, "I vanting to giw u discount on all ittems", a strong emphasis on the t's! So what's with the US and UK that get's guys all acting like run-away slaves? This guy got a phone call and went;

"Yo, where are u cats at? JK, aiit that sounds like a nice plan mate, 'll git there as soon as my homes drops by in his wheels, kinda nat feelin this boda ish"

So he had to go, and said "aiit fellaz, am outta this piece, keep it pimpin!"

That's when I figured maybe this Disney World trip isn't such a nice idea, if am goin to come back embarassing myself like this.

Being here long however has it's drawbacks too. Just here here on Thursday, a head of a goat was found in the office of the Lira Municipal County town clerk, or some other chap, and what the hell is municipal?? Back to the goat!

The head had on lip gloss, ear rings and beads around its severed neck. The Lira chaps swiftly called in the local parish priest to say prayers for their office, thus casting out any demons that this head was bringin into the office. Seriously?? That's all I have to do to mess up this Director of Finance that keeps refusing to sign my allowances? Like the goat had some radio active rays that will cross into the heads of the office bearers and make them so stupid, they needed a priest to clear the airwaves before they resume work!

Ait cats, I gots to buzz right now, keep it pimpin'

Strange but true!!

Since we Africans don't have any literature to look into our older times (I gots to compile me one of these soon), we are forced to deal with what's on hand, and since I don't have internet at my desk like Ashy and Ms Drama, its to type this shit and walk all the way to a cafe with my ka old flash disk that sometimes jams to load on the lousy cafe computers, so here goes, but with a Ug touch;

Nero's wife had 500 donkeys at her disposal to keep her bath continually topped up with fresh milk, as if African Woman cover girls.

The women of Nothern Siberia express affection to their bu hunks by showering them with lice and slugs, like oba who?

In Italy, a local law forbids women christened Mary to work as prostitues, so there's only Amanda's angels, not Mary's angels.

In New Zealand, a cow was sentenced to 2 days in jail for eating grass in front of the city courthouse, it was probably a rioter.

The world's largest bee, the carpenter, has tried to mate with everything that flies including birds, light aircraft and hang gliders. King Mswati has tried to mate with everything that has just turned 17, 11 months and 29 days.

The Romans cured toothache by tying toads to their jaws, we cure toothache by chewing on an aspirin on the spot of pain.

The black widow spider eats it's mate after mating, as if Lydia Draru!

Snails can sleep for three years at a go, like the chaps making the northern bypass.

Octopuses can eat themselves if they get very upset, like if you refuse to grant them a district!

Polar bears can smell you up to 20 miles away. You can smell a bar waitress or a pump attendant up to 20 miles away.

Dolphins sleep with one eye open, but so do the PGB chaps.

Oysters change their sex according to the temprature of the water around them, and so do ALL our politicians.

Out!

Researchers have discovered..............

Scientists are either busy chaps or are just a bunch of lumpens out there trying to make a dime like the rest of us. Its not often that they used to come up with a new discovery, but these days its everyday.

Listening to the news, there’s always some more crap these “researchers” come up with, and luckily they tell us how.

Last week, these bastards came up with a discovery that people who laugh 15 times a day are more likely to live till 85! Who pays these clowns to do this work? Who exactly will this “finding” help? Some guy used to laugh 18 times a day, but at 42, he got tear gassed in the riots, and didn’t make it to 52, lung complications, this would probably have reduced the “researcher’s” age findings from 85 to like 63!

Here’s some more stuff they “discovered”;

Doctors who listened to the beatle’s song “Staying alive” while performing an operation were more likely to have successful surgeries than those that listened to Celine Dion songs, ANY of them!

Couples who listened to Lionel Richie songs while making out were more likely to have healthier kids than those that were listening to Luther Vandross’!

People who voted for FDC were more likely to be involved in city riots than those who didn’t vote at all, ok that one is forged, because Uganda has no social researchers, only for malaria and AIDS!

Attractive children are more popular, both with classmates and teachers. Teachers give higher evaluations to the work of attractive children and have higher expectations of them (which has been shown to improve performance). So if u ever get ugly kids, don’t waste yo dimes at Kampala Parents!

Drinking 3 beers a day is better than drinking 12 beers on a Friday!! This research was most probably funded jointly by Fat Boyz and Just Kicking.

Loving your family helps reduce stress levels, even that cousin that keeps selling yo electronics so as to buy weed!

Biology Class - Reproduction!!

This part of the school Biology curriculum used to wake most chaps out of their usual school boredom. But just to spice it up, they need to be innovative and add these two, the amphibian theory and the dog theory.

This is what may be referred to as the amphibian theorem. Nat Geo wild and the Discovery channels have been kind enuff to send some of their inquisitive white employees (don’t say it’s racist, ever seen a black chap on these missions?? Yeah me neither!!) These chaps wear masks and be down in dirty rivers capturing the lives of frogs, fish and these other species called amphibians!

See, these creatures get classified as amphibian because of their nature of reproduction, in other words, they chow in a funny way! What happens is, the amphibian chick goes on a date or two with her prospective chow, eat up a few worms in a fancy but dirty river restaurant, then go for karaoke night with the rest of the frogs, making so much noise for the humans, croaking all night!

Next, the chick finds a spot where she lays a bunch of eggs, probably a thousand or so, then her date, who has been keeping watch all this time, comes over these eggs (pun intended). Well, let’s be more specific, he moves over these eggs, spraying them all over with his members! The fusion of these two elements creates new creatures. Abortion hasn’t yet started amongst these creatures, coz their foet-ai (pronounced fee-t-aaii) they develop outside of the chick fish.

Today’s theorem wonders what would happen if humans were amphibian! The only contact between boy and girl would be just holding hands. AIDS would be a disease for chimps only, and guy’s would never see the point of going hunting in Silk. When a human couple got ready to have kids, the chap would look for a suitable place for his chick to go lay her eggs, before he wanks over them, and then they wait for the kids that make it through the process.

Dogs are the most amazing though, Biology teachers should protest till they include the reproductive system of dogs in their syllabus, that way kids would be interested in Bios, as we called it. Movies have spoilt the whole anticipation kids used to have when going for Bios lessons. What the hell else do you have to learn when Sharon Stone gave you the basics? You be going to a video library and you fail to get a movie to watch, the chap just beez like “manager, we have this other collection here, maybe take a look!!” You just be in total shock as you see titles you have never seen before, “Remember the tight ones”, “This is surely it” and “The secrets of porn agains”.

Moving on to dogs, as Richard Pryor once put it, he used to get amazed whenever he found 2 dogs just locked up, trying hard to disentangle themselves while crossing the street, one says to the other “make up yo mind you silly bitch, which way do we go, left or right?” “I don’t know, u horny lass, u got us in this mess in the first place”

The theory here was, what if women could also just lock up like these dogs? Now that would get the rapists in a spot of bother. A chap just be there raping a chick and she locks up;

“Ok that’s it, get up, we’re going to the police station, and don’t try anything stupid, al simply tighten up, now move with me, lets go!!!”