January 09 - In a nutshell!!

So the year has come to an end, you can know this because the bored chaps at Sanyu FM have started playing Christmas songs already, and the chaps at the New Vision are asking you to write to them who did what, for the year 2k9.

At this here blog, we are going to re-coup the happenings of 2k9, since that’s the fad these days, who are we not to jump into the bandwagon!

January:

The year began on a horrendous note, no fuel. In January 2k8, rioters in Kenya, who were quite displeased with the way Kibaki had firmly entrenched his behind at the Presidential chair in the Kenya State house, started burning anything that moved. Truck drivers responsible for ferrying fuel to Uganda were beaten up, and their fuel sniffed by the rioting goons. In Jan 2k9, the excuse was that the pipeline was being repaired. The fuel scarcity meant that all Kampala posers parked their Hummers at home and borrowed the Premios for safety.

Gas station owners, especially those little unknown ones increased prices to 15,000 bucks a litre, which pissed off boda boda chaps. People would be driving around town and whenever they saw a queue, they simply joined, only to reach the pump and hear “its over”, so chaps used more fuel, looking for fuel!

Around the 5^th of this month, a security officer shot a cleaner at Garden City Stan Chart bank, and gave himself a dose of 1 bullet as well, ending his miserable life instantly. A note found on him claimed that the cleaner was on his sexual network, but her husband had just been released from prison so she was going back to him, so since he didn’t have 100 million dollars signed on his pre-nup like Tiger Woods so she could stay on his network, he killed her, and himself!

Musician, or is it froggy voiced artiste, a one Chameleon was knocked senseless when he had an altercation with some chap from Club Silk. It was also over a woman. The irate chap apparently followed the froggy voiced fella outside the night club and knocked him down with his car, like a bulldozer bringing down an electricity pole, leaving the frog, sorry, artiste hospitalized. He (of the froggy voice) was still recovering after apparently sleep walking his way into the tabloids, by breaking his legs after falling off a hotel balcony in Tz, an event that called for an inquiry into whether his blood stream had traces of the ganja!

On around 17^th or thereabouts, Uganda Investment Authority knighted telecom company Warid as Sir Investor of the Year. Young fellas and corporates were pissed by this dubbing, because these Warid punks failed to bring in Beyonce, yet Zain had brought Akon and MTN had ferried in UB40, who are these punks who haven’t even brought at least Mr Blue??

30^th Jan was the worst, pay tv pretenders GTV threw in the towel, and disappeared with our dimes! These thieving lumpens had only soccer to show on their pathetic excuse of a TV network, coz the 5 or so other channels that they had on offer were as boring as Top TV and Record TV combined! They just woke up and put notices on their doors “sorry pumpkins, but we needed this dime, do not even try to call any of our phones, they are OFF godamit, so we shall leave you with 2 wise words, figure them out, but the last one ends with off!”

Lets see what February brought, next time!

Men like em.........skirty!!!

Good question, what do men like? For starters, anything that wears a skirt as conventional clothing, ranging from the hot shot company MD to the low life house maid, depending on how many pints one has had, no discrimination on this issue.

Some men however, like the Archbishop Robinson of the Anglican church, love people in skirts, that’s a given, however, they love those men that be masquerading in skirts with names like Father, Bishop and Pope, they love em all cassock-wearing spiritual asses!

Men, that is the rest of the species with the decency to be normal, are lesbians, yes, they love chicks. Matter of fact, if a man ever caught his wife in a compromising position with another chick, he would be super excited, he would just ask his wife “please please please honey let me watch!!! please continue, I love u babe, u are the shit, me n u forever babe!!!”

However, when it’s the other way round, a chick will grab the nearest panga and slice up that gay delivery chap that is warming his groin up against her boo! These gay bastards with all their dime, trying to mess us up! How come the lesbian organisations don’t have dime to convert broke chicks into their societies? We, the normal chaps are thinking of sinking dimes into the lesbian groups, coz gay buggers are taking over, cutting our foreign aid and stuff!

Y’all must be wondering, when is the next point coming up, as in what else do chaps like, erm, sorry to bust ya bubble, but that’s just about it – chicks, lesbians or straight ones, that’s just about it!

What, did u say cars? Nah, that’s no longer an issue, fuel prices bust our bubble! Phones? What’s that shit? Unless you live in Masaka, it’s all good now! Money? Oh shit, sorry I forgot, men love their wallets BIGGER!

Lumpens be walking up to highly educated chicks seated at their desks posting snaps on facebook, drop a ballistic Samsung phone, with airtime, and their number, never to say even a word! That trick, although such a cliché, unbelievably still works. The chick beez calling, never mind she’s a hot shot 26 year old rising up the ladder of that top 10 tax paying corporatal company and the chap is a 57 year old civil servant with 20 houses, built from Global Fund dimes. First she’ll be telling her girls, “what the hell is wrong with that wrinkled ol punk, sending me a phone as if!!!”

Secretly at 12.30 am she beez calling;

“Hi, is this Honourable…………….. (insert name of a 57 year old wrinkled govt official), I was meaning to call…erm….is yo wife at home….i think I want to see you…..”

The wrinkly old thieving bugger is like;

“Aki chu a rry I was wanted to or-so call, I sent some bu frowers to yo-wa office, and air ticket to cape town, we sha-rr meeting zeya”

“Ahhhh my gash, you shouldn’t have, ok, I’ll get leave next week, then we hook up!!”

Ok, this is some chauvinist shit, but 80% of the times, this shit happens, and somehow the snaps are leaked to the internet (See Jagaza with Zain, in Cape Town).

So there u have it, chaps like dime…..erm…to get the only thing they like, BIRDS! We can comfortably say, men love bird watching! They are hyenas always on the prawl! They are lions, always on the hunt!

Disclaimer: Any similarities with actual people is coincidental! Except the Jagaza wrinkled man......BITCH!!!

Women like ?**? bigger!

"Women like it bigger.......call 0752-XXX-XXX" so goes the ad that u will find pasted on almost every thing that stands still in Kla.

We, the male folk that are still trying to figure out chicks, were left puzzled on what exactly women want bigger, although the naughty Ethics Minister, a one Buturo chap, was quick to point out that these posters were an unpleasant sight in the city, so we ruled out they had TOTALLY nothing to do with the following;

1- Car: Of late, women are driving bigger cars, Prados, Range Rovers and the all new VX are nolonger the monotony of Kikuubo hustlers that dress like Congolose Bongo stars of the mid-90's. Chicks be hooting at us boda boda riding lumpens as they make their way to the traffic lights just before they turn orange, then unleash a ki lip gloss after they have swung by the lights, surviving being caught by the red light by a whisker. Now they have mirrors on the bonnet, dashboard and the steering wheel, make-up aint a hustle no more!

2- Home / house. We know they like bigger kitchens, but that was then.....this is now!! A compound with an umbrella like tree where they can pedicure and manicure their bu precious nails while the wind gently blows through their ballistic hair is a MUST!! Bugolobi flats??? Why are u kumanyira-ring her?? Lets do this in English preaze.....why are u familiar-ing her???

3- Bag: Y'all seen those bags chicks carry these days? They like their bags...er...bigger!! Chicks got tired of coming to that house and there's just 1 towel! They be saying mbu its the trend but kumbe the bathroom slippers for the night are in. Some naughty chaps at BBQ lounge were overheard telling some chick that holding that bag is just making a statement, "willing to be carried tonight!!"

4- Shades: They have to be HUGE, like the eyes of the characters of star wars movies. These bu tiny shades of yester-year are nonsense. Women like them bigger - shades, that is!!

5- Rav4: FINALLY, something women don't like bigger!! 2 doors? She'll take it!!

So what was this Nsaba Buturo's fuss? And why the hell is he always attacking popular things!!

So women, what should the men's posters say......men like it......... (fill in very appropriate word here, we are sending this shit to the Ministry of Ethics for interpretation!)

The Life and times.......of an askari!!

As I was relaxing at the gardens of who gives a shit, the resident askari of the area walked over to ask for a ki 100 buck coin so he could get a cigarette! I used this chance to ask him about him-u-selef, and here’s the uncut and unedited version of the story, this cost a cool 2 thou bucks, and half of my lager, so here goes;

My name me am called Sylvester (I knew it, pure pre-colonial name, very common also with wheelbarrow pushers and chaps that sell braids and sugarcanes at the traffic lights). I hail from Kibibi district, Mutunyoza parish (what the hell is hail, kumbe I thought it was just in Hail Mary, full of pints! ((blasphemous punk!)) Con-ninue, priz…. My fazza, was a parish chief, at the LC1 level, incharge of education, so we were big people (wonder what the LC2’s kid will say, bigger people, perhaps?).

Anyway, my fazza he had the many wives, very many I tell you, you hear of the Mswati, my father was bigger. I was the child number 14, from my mazza, ze wife number 6! But when he passed by the way……”hold up, u mean passed away?”.......ah, u English people, did u know that that is not yo-wa language?.......”that’s for another time bugger, go on”………sench u, anyway, my fazza he passed on the way, then the wives they started to fight for the belongings!

Wife number 1 and the number 2 got very many of the lands, and they gave the childrens of them, us we were left to suffering, so I entered the lorry for the primary school, which was going to Kampala to bring the firewood, and I was the turn boy, but when I reach the Kisenyi, I jump out!

First, I used to sleep on the bus stop, there was a nice chair that was put by the people of Mango telecom. I use the kaveeras of Bin-IT, they are very big and cover me ploperly! Then I was walking one day, and saw the askari, and ask him if I want to be askari, he say I must finish P7, I tell him I finish S2, at the school, but no school fees. He tell me to follow him, and the next day, I get the gun, and the training and they put me here.

I stay with my friend, also askari, there in Kisenyi. We have a very big house, eh, even other askari they like it, we have 1 bedroom, and a bathroom outside. The rent is 14,000/= a month, so me I pay the 7 thousand, and him the 7 thousand. My salary is 45 thousand, so I walk to home, and send some money home, to build the house. The grass for the roof is very expensive, so I save 5 thousand every month, so I finish the house!

My wife is in the village, but I need to have the 4 other wives, so I be big like my fazza! The children are only 6 now, I want about 9 more, then I stop. Future? shyaa, nga us we were 14 and now look, we have made it!!

Senk u for zis 2 souzand, God bless u very many, today, am going to buy a full roast maize, for 1 souzand, everyday I buy the half a cob, but today, u have given me the blessing to eat full cob!!

Personally am out, for a full Nile Perch grilled rib – luckily the askari wont read this shit!!

Alcoholics Synonymous

Butabika Hospital

Ward 4C

Dept of Alcohol and Drug abuse

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) session

9.02 am

John: Hi all, am John..

All in unison: Hi John

John: And am an alcohol addict…..

All: Murmers across the room.

John: Well, am here today because the court sent me here, otherwise Maggie may take the kids from me, that’s my wife, that lumpen Maggie!

All: Ohhhhh, sorry….

John: Am here to let this off my chest, see it all started with global warming….

All: What…what how …..liar liar….boo..

John: Here me out fellow drunkards, and cocaine addicts, let me tell you my story!!

All: Ok…ok go ahead!

John: As I was saying, it all started with this global warming thingy. Our government stopped getting money from donors, because they had been told to reduce on their manufacturing, so they had less money at their homes, thus the credit crunch…in my wisdom, to save this country from an economic breakdown, I realised that teetotallers don’t drink alcohol, they spend their miserly incomes on a cup of coffee and some tea bags! Let’s be frank: teetotallers are a pessimistic and morbid lot. What do they care if the economy goes to hell? Their lives suck anyway, what’s one more shadow in a pit of gloom?

We drunks, on the other hand, are the very personification of optimism and hope. When the Buganda riots broke out and all shops went to hell, which businesses remained open, which group kept their wits about them and organized havens of civility and order? The bars and the drunks, that's who. Bead for Life, Zanzi and Mateos were blazing like the day was normal.

Historically, drunks have always held high the torch of hope where others fell into despair and whimpered for mercy. Sometimes it meant setting things on fire with that torch, but that was just to wake those gloomy bastards up. Yes, it is plain we must march (or stagger, if we’re really stimulated) forth and inspire the country with our natural confidence and cheer.

However, the pangs of headaches and high appetites brought upon us by the effects of dehydration have made us use up the dimes Maggie was supposed to buy the kid’s milk with, darn her and the kids, the whole bunch just cant let me be! Beer advertisers that tell us “we deserve it, after a day long’s work” and don’t tell us that it may lead to loss of Maggie and the kids, are to blame!!

All: You are in a state we call denial……..u’ll get over it if you hang in here more, and stop watching premier league, and buy African Woman more often, and move to Warid Paka Last!

John: That’s some gay shit!! Al remain Alcoholic Synonymous! Fuck that bitch Maggie, and them kids!!

Warning: Alcohol is dangerous for your health……and the kids too…..and even the wife!! Strictly for sale to persons over 18!

Western Culture Invades Africa!!

The western culture, or can we say, the white man’s world, has caught up with us like the swine flu! Our most bored public servant, a one Nsaba Buturo, has been assuring the donors that they can keep their bu dimes if they want to, after they threatened to do so if the new bill against batty boys, aka homo chaps, is passed!

The minister of ethics, or is it for ethics, has still refused to make a statement about the state of expiring drugs at the National Medical Stores, or the many potholes that have returned to our roads just as it was in 1 BC (Before CHOGM), he has instead spent endless hours watching the Big Brother show then proclaiming “they should abolish shower hour”, oh, so he was watching too!!

This chap is wasting his time, coz the western culture caught up with us the day Shadow’s Angels became Ug’s most sought after devil worshippers (they said so). These days we do really weird shit.

The other day, I was invited for a surprise party….for a 1 year old pumpkin!! It’s possible this little bugger was still even blind, what with those Chinese eyes! (not profiling, but that’s what they look like).

This party pumpkin (names withheld, due to the sensitivity of the matter) bought Tequilla, Vodka and several cans of pints for this bash, and oh, he threw in some balloons just to legitimise the original cause.

So we were standing in the compound, eyes darting left and right, on the prawl for this guy’s wife’s young sisters that may have come for this occasion, when the pumpkin (names still withheld GODAMIT!) came out and was like, “ok guys, lets all go behind that tree, and when little Mikey comes out (shit, name not withheld, that’s the first clue about the idiot) we all jump out and scream SURPRISE!!!!

So because this chap had bought the pints, we were left no option but hide behind the tree, then we saw a little pram come out the main house, the guy putting his forefinger on his lips, signalling to us to remain still and quiet, till he reached the middle of the compound and signalled to us to jump out, well the chicks did, we disgusted chaps attempted not to embarrass ourselves and stay as macho as the way we had come in.

The kid was surprised alright, but not because it remembered it’s bday, but the noise from the bu girls was too much, shouting that stuff of “happy baffday baby, u are chooooo cute oh yech u are babay baby baby…yuk at me yuk at me...” and more crap along those lines.

Relationships these days are different, there are more divorces than wedding meetings! People no longer have fiancés but financers, where the dime ends, that’s it. Chicks of Ug (not you ballistic ones reading this stuffs) have even caught on the culture of shopping whenever they are pissed! This shit is for the movies!

Some chick said she likes this “shopping when feeling low” habit a lot, one day she saw a dress she really wanted, so she broke up with her chap, so she was driven to buy the damn dress. What happened to talking to grandma thru these issues?

Gay chaps are a minority, and like the jews, they have lots of dimes, fighting them is not advisable, however, that’s probably the only bit of western culture that shouldn’t invade Africa!!

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to the characters or scenario above is purely coincidental.

An MBA for this???

Authority makes me sick to the marrow! I never want to get an MBA or Doctorate coz that way the rest of my life shall be entrapped in bullshit I really don’t give a rat’s dirty behind about!

Reason for this rant:

Some chap told me to check on what it would take to open a forex bureau, just a ka forex bureau, but wow, what a trip to wonderland. The first thing of course was take a trip to BOU, where I was directed to the Non Banking Financial Institutions Dept, from where I was given a ki 100 page document to browse thru in my free time, then swing my ignorant self back to these offices after understanding the shit.

This document looked like that crap parliamentarians be releasing to the press, so that we think they are doing real shit;

“Office to the Clerk of Parliament: addendum to commission of security set up by Rt Hon Speaker of Parliament, by order of the Constitution Clause 3 subsection 2 b of 1978 and the 1998 act amendment as regards……blah blah blah crap crap crap….” and on and on the bullshit goes! How about simple English, punks!

Back to the forex document, the entire thingy looked like the stuff explained above, but let me break it down the way it should ACTUALLY be.

STATUTORY INSTRUMENTS SUPPLIMENT

SUPPLEMENT NO. 4

to The Uganda Gazette No. 8 Volume XCVIX dated 10^th February, 2006 (No Shit!!)

Printed by UPPC, Entebbe, by Order of the Government. (Oooooh, we are really scared!!)

Cutting through the crap, here are the conditions, in no particular order, but in the ballistic interpretation;

1 – A minimum security deposit of twenty currency points, and oh, it’s non refundable, whether you get the licence or not. And by the way, in case you were wondering what a currency point is, just scroll to Schedule 1 Form B of this heavy document, like on page 83 there!!

2- Premises for an office, must be ballistic, meaning that that garage behind your house won’t do, and please don’t think about Daddy’s boys quarters.

Clause 3 Subsection 2 Part a) A Class A licence shall be issued to transfer agencies, as if Western Union.

b) Class B shall go to a forex bureau.

Clause 4 – In considering an application under subsection 2, the Bank will require the following;

i) A minimum paid up share capital of two thousand and five hundred currency points, you’ve forgotten already??? Drag yo ass back to Schedule 1 and figure out what a currency point is…BITCH!!

Subsection “whatever” of this “whatever” clause that we are sure you have already forgotten, says that if you are to apply for a Class C licence, that’s if you still remember what that is, you shall be required to meet the following criterion;

Unfortunately, we have run out of capital letters, numbers and roman numerals to use for our bullets, so we shall go with the classic dots;

· The integrity of management shall be supported by 2 referees. If we discover that you have been poking your snotty nose in places you weren’t supposed to be, consider the dimes you deposited as non-refundable in one of the very many clauses above, gone, vamoosed, swindled, disappered. Scroll back up, and confirm that clause you naughty bugger!

Too many bullets, you must be lost by now. Read the rest of the clauses later when you are feeling better. And please, don’t forget to read our Remedial measures and Administrative sanctions, and oh, the anti-money laundering stuffs, and we are not talking about washing clothes, mbu laundry, but some other financial stuffs only for literate chaps!!

Still up for that MBA?