Sperm....Spam mail!!

Spam mail is on the rise. I be getting weird mails from this chick Lisa, who is insisting that I view her pics. Then I be getting invites from “FuckBook”, mbu Jackie wants to be your friend. The Viagra guys however send spam, or is it sperm, on a daily. Cheap Viagra is what they say, wonder how they figured I needed this shit. “Enhace your guy: Add 5 inches now, free monthly trial inside” are the other ridiculous messages featuring in the inbox, it’s just weird when I be opening mail in a café and have to hide these things.

There is however this mail that came marked as spam, but I was not sure. I even resigned from any obligations I had to do for the next 30 years coz am goin to be rich, am goin to be on Forbes magazine “top 10 African billionaires” the title will scream. See there is this guy Uche Ukowchuku, he is a nephew to Sani Abacha, the guy that coincidentally died from a Viagra attack, I think his ghost is the one sending those Viagra mails. So this Uche character says he has FINALLY, after years of legal battles, managed to get some 30 million pounds…..get that? 30 million pounds!! That’s what the next 50 or so wannabees in the next 50 or so lousy Big Brother show winners will earn, combined, in the next 200 years, but am going to get it now!!

I told a couple of chaps, including the landlady of my palatial iron-sheet thatched bungalow to organise the land titles, deeds and all those other documents that show she owns the house, coz I was goin to OWN it in the next couple of hours, all I had to do, was type my bank account details, my passwords for my email accounts and facebook account, and also some money through western union to facilitate the transfer of 30 million pounds to my account, just that he would want to remove 20 million, so I was going to keep 10!

After sending these details, I waited around the place for the mail to tell me to run to the bank, and luckily, I was at the café at Nakumatt, and my account is at KCB Nakumatt, so the dimes would be seconds away as soon as this chap confirmed, and yes, I had sent the dimes through Western Union KCB to facilitate this deal, total input, 300,000 ug bucks, for a cool return of 10 million pounds, more than soccer player’s monthly wages combined.

The café attendant saw me pace up and down so he came over to see “what was up”, I told him I intended to buy the café, so he should be very nice if he still wanted his job! After inquiring what the hell I was exactly up to, I printed out for him the mail from Uche, and showed him the payments I had made, he said it was a scam, but I told him the “just because Uche picked ME, not HIM, was the reason for his rather weird remarks, this was for real.

Within the next 20 minutes, I got a call from one of the characters in my gmail inbox, inquiring why I went to New Zealand without telling him, and how I got stuck at the airport, and why I still need money in New Zealand yet I was answering my phone here in Kampala!

My goodness woolooloo, it hit me! SHIT! I had been scammed!!! Spammed!!! Flim-flammed!! Hoodwinked!!

So fellaz, am in the process of apologizing to all the clients I told to sod off to hell with their bu-little dimes! I am sorry Landlady for saying yo house was shit and I was goin to fix it! I am sorry café boy for saying I could pay yo three months salary in 2 hours’ time!!

Lets end with a popular Nigerian sayin’ chineeke ooohh, u are a foool-oo, trostin os nogerians-oo!!!

Out to change bank details.

(this story has definitely been falsified to give the impression that I had a ballistic day, don’t be a foool-ooo like me-oo!)